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Original poster

I've been dating someone who has just revealed that they are / have been a sugar daddy

59 replies

WallyB9 · 08/08/2018 09:43

I'm 57 and single and for the last few months - following some advise from younger colleagues, I have been on Bumble. I met a guy (60) and we have met up four times now. We have got on really well - although I don't see a lot of him. He revealed to me recently that he has been dating other women - as a sugar daddy. As I see it, paying for sex. I find the whole thing a bit sordid.

He's now sent me a couple of articles on open relationships. My interpretation is, he likes the 'grown up' normal things we have done together but wants to keep the exciting sex - predominantly with younger girls.

This is really not good news is it? It feels really wrong.

OP posts:
tsonlyme · 08/08/2018 10:18

Ick ick ick.

I once had to explain to one of dd’s friends that being a sugar baby was akin to being a prostitute, she had no idea and was talking about signing up to one of the sites. She thought these men would take her shopping and buy her all sorts of things and expect nothing in return. Every day is a school day.

RatRolyPoly · 08/08/2018 10:20

Boundaries. If this isn't within yours, don't go lowering them for this guy now!

FWIW I think it's completely reasonable to be appalled by this, and if you are, don't try to pretend you're not. Back away.

ScreamingValenta · 08/08/2018 10:20

I suppose this might suit a woman who was looking for friends with benefits rather than a partner, but it doesn't sound like he is for you. It's good that he has been honest about this with you before the relationship moved further. There's no reason to be rude - just tell him in a calm and dignified manner that you aren't interested in an open relationship, so it's time to part ways.

Whereismumhiding2 · 08/08/2018 10:22

Ewwwww, what a Creep.

InfiniteVariety · 08/08/2018 10:25

He's now sent me a couple of articles on open relationships

He's testing the waters to see if you're OK with this. I agree with PP that he wants younger women for sex and a woman in his own age group for the other stuff - outings, domesticity and possibly to care for him in the future as he ages. Drop him now and don't be that woman!

Original poster
WallyB9 · 08/08/2018 10:29

You're right. He has been open and honest - I didn't ask him about any details, nor do I want to know. He has said that he doesn't want to hurt me. Too late really.

I've told him that any 'open relationship' is not for me - he's still invited me out, albeit in September. I just need to say NO

OP posts:
Plantpotpot · 08/08/2018 10:30

I think he’s being honest and that’s a good thing. I also don’t find it ‘disgusting’ - they’re all consenting adults etc. Obviously you now need to run a mile though Grin

UpstartCrow · 08/08/2018 10:31

Tell him if he's looking for friends with benefits and an open relationship he should be honest and put that in his dating bio.

Newerversion · 08/08/2018 10:32

Hard as it may be I really would advise you to say no.

Men who pay for sex with you get women are neither nice nor trustworthy (I am looking at you, my revolting stbxh)
You deserve a relationship where you totally respect one another.

Newerversion · 08/08/2018 10:33

Sorry that should say younger women!

Bluntness100 · 08/08/2018 10:35

Honestly, I'm surprised you need to ask. He's basically paying young women to be with him, and even if he tells you he will stop he won't.

Personally I wouldn't want to be with a man who did this, and It seems neither do you. Just text him, decline and say it's been lovely but it's not for you. Then block.

Original poster
WallyB9 · 08/08/2018 10:37

Now that I look at his bio at the very bottom is does say SD with a picture of a sugar cane and a girl. I was totally naive. I had no idea what that was.

What's more - he is still out there on the site advertising the fact that he is looking for sugar daddy relationships

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 08/08/2018 10:38

OP - it’s clear you and him aren’t on the same page. And you just need to move on.
Point isn’t about who else he is dating. Point is that he doesn’t want to be exclusive with anyone. And you are looking for a traditional relationship.

His choice of who to date and sleep with is his. Not sure why he needs to he judged. You will only make yourself feel bad.

Being a sugar daddy isn’t the same as using prostitutes. No more then if you go on a date, have the man pay for diner, and then sleep with him - etc.... Or if a woman marries a man who makes lots of money and then becomes a SAHM, with a nice house and life style....

Wealthy, older men are rarely seen with women their age, when they date. It’s not sordid. It’s people’s choices. Both sides use each other.

Ignoramusgiganticus · 08/08/2018 10:41

So he's looking for respectable prostitutes Confused

PrtScn · 08/08/2018 10:44

Just say no and walk away. He has been honest with you, you both just have different expectations.
If you weren't interested in sex yourself but wanted the companionship of somebody you got along well with, then it could be an ideal relationship.
Or if you were also into having sexual relationships with several different people but also wanted the companionship of somebody you got along well with, again a potentially perfect relationship.

MistressDeeCee · 08/08/2018 10:45

OP you haven't even known this man long. & you've only seen him 4 times. Consenting adults can do what they want as long as not illegal. He's not hidden his preferences from you, and you aren't in a long-term committed relationship. You don't know him, and you're not into what he's into. So just decline and move on, there are other men out there don't get hung up on one you've just met really

ScreamingValenta · 08/08/2018 10:45

Does your profile make it clear you are looking ultimately for an exclusive relationship? That might be a way of avoiding wasting time with men who aren't seeking this.

I expect this man assumed people would recognise the 'sugar daddy' graphics on his bio. The rights and wrongs of the 'sugar daddy' concept are a separate debate, but I don't think he has done anything wrong in the way he has handled his interactions with you.

Don't drag things out by accepting further invitations. Draw a line under it and look for someone who wants what you do.

HollowTalk · 08/08/2018 10:47

I'd send him a message saying, "Blimey, when you were young did you think you'd grow up into such a sad bastard?" and then block him in every possible way.

Have you tried Meet Up?

ScreamingValenta · 08/08/2018 10:47

@PrtScn is spot on.

NicoAndTheNiners · 08/08/2018 10:51

And when you finish things pls point out to him that however he wants to dress it up he's paying woman for sex which is quite seedy.

JacquesHammer · 08/08/2018 11:03

Open relationships when mutually agreeable are not sordid or not respectable.

However you're perfectly reasonable to not want that and end the relationship.

Neither of you are unreasonable.

Original poster
WallyB9 · 08/08/2018 11:11

I understand re open relationships - for those that want one, fine. I don't. It would just play to my own insecurities.

OP posts:
Original poster
WallyB9 · 08/08/2018 11:13

And Hollow I've not tried Meet Up. Maybe I should. Thanks

OP posts:
SchnitzelVonKrumm · 08/08/2018 12:54

I can see the appeal of an open relationship but not with someone who pays for sex. Especially women young enough to be his grandchild. Grim.

blueangel1 · 08/08/2018 12:57

Seconding the "yuck" sentiments of pp.

There are lovely, normal guys out there. I'm pretty much the same age as you, and if I can find one, you can.

Flowers