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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I cheating on him ? Feel guilty.

43 replies

wannabeyou · 07/08/2018 09:36

Hello everyone,

I don’t even know where to begin with this. I feel like I’m cheating on my partner (ex... I don’t even know what he is to me to be honest) and feel like cancelling my date with someone new.

I was with my ex for about 9 years, 1 DC, we were very young, the relationship was very toxic and abusive (on his side), thankfully not anymore. For one reason or another, he stopped contacting me and stopped seeing his child, during the period, I’m heartbroken, but I learn to get over him, took up new hobbies, enjoyed days out with the DC, more confident etc. It took me a very long time to get back to my normal self, after all the abuse, hurt etc.

Then 7 months later, I hear back from ex, saying how sorry he is, blah blah and I will take him back but keep my distance. Another argument happened and again I don’t hear from him again for two months, again I’m sad, but not as sad.

In the meantime, I was speaking to someone online, we are both clear we are not looking for relationships at the moment, but just seeing how it goes but, I have needs and haven’t had sex for three years, so it’s more of a casual thing, though we have planned to go out some where.

Then Lo and behold, ex messages, from not contacting us for two months, saying how sorry he is, now saying that he “wants us to be a family again, to live together again, he would like to re-kindle”. I tell him “I’m not sure because you (he) keeps coming in and out of our lives, even though the abused has stopped, I’m worried if we get close again, it will happen again, I’m worried to get close to him and be emotionally hurt by him”. Ex replies “it’s you (me) stopping us from being a family, but your (me) being selfish, think of it from DC’s point of view, it’s good to have two parents together, within a family unit”.

I’m now sitting here, just about to cancel my date with the new person ( as it feels like im cheating with ex-partner) as I’m seeing him next week. I don’t know why I can’t be strong. I’m not sure if I love my ex anymore, I’ve learnt to live without him, oh- I don’t know.

I was really looking forward to some action with my new date (I’m sorry if this makes me sound crass) but I genuinely think I will be cheating on my ex/kinda if I proceed.

OP posts:
QforCucumber · 07/08/2018 09:39

Don't cancel.

Your ex is manipulating you, he gets to pick you up and drop you when he feels like it, does he even care what that does to you and the kids?

The children do not need a 'family unit' if it means an unhappy mum and a disappearing dad

Anon90 · 07/08/2018 09:42

Do not cancel the date. Tell ex to fuck off. He will do the same thing again. He can seek access to kids through court. He wont.

NoFucksImAQueen · 07/08/2018 09:43

no don't cancel! he's a gaslighting abusive wanker and the abuse hasn't stopped he's still emotionally abusing you. if he wanted to be a family he shouldn't have been the way he was. he can't put that shit on you.
if he wanted to see his child he would but he doesn't bother. what kind of father is he!
you need to move on from him

WasFatNowThin · 07/08/2018 09:53

Yep, agree, don't cancel the date, your ex is a wanker.

Hernameisdeborah · 07/08/2018 09:54

Please don't cancel. Your ex won't change, he's just trying to control and manipulate you all over again. Don't go back to him, please. Is he aware you have been chatting to someone else? Maybe this is him not wanting to let you move on? You're not being at all selfish by not being with him. Quite the opposite, you are doing your child a big favour by keeping them away from this abusive arsehole.

ColumboHere · 07/08/2018 10:04

Have you actually met this online person yet?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/08/2018 10:07

Do not cancel the date. Tell ex to fuck off.

^ THIS.

Do not fall for it. He's full of crap. Go enjoy your new date. Do not go backwards, go forwards.

bionicnemonic · 07/08/2018 10:10

How can you think he’s not still abusing you?

Thatsfuckingshit · 07/08/2018 10:11

Sorry OP, the abuse hasn't stopped.

SuperSuperSuper · 07/08/2018 10:14

What an awful man. Don't let him manipulate you. You can be civil for DC sake but don't get embroiled again.

Hadalifeonce · 07/08/2018 10:16

I expect the gaps in communication are to do with him having other relationships during that time; and when he dumps/gets dumped, he calls you. Please do not cancel your date, and DO NOT see your abusive ex.

SomeKnobend · 07/08/2018 10:18

Ex is still being abusive, blame shifting and gas lighting. Tell him in no uncertain terms the relationship is over. Then no it isn't cheating, it's none of his business if you date as he's an ex.

Ullupullu · 07/08/2018 10:19

Children need stability, not a "family unit" where they don't know if dad is staying or going. Please stay strong and don't let him back as your partner.

LexieLulu · 07/08/2018 10:21

Do not cancel. You need the confidence from this date if anything.

Tell ex he is welcome to see child and you can make arrangements for that, but you're not a family unit anymore

Bekabeech · 07/08/2018 10:22

But be careful with new person. Your boundaries are shot to pieces, and you are extremely vulnerable.

I would strongly recommend the Freedom Programme. You need to rebuild boundaries and your self esteem

SparklyMagpie · 07/08/2018 10:36

Don't cancel OP and definitely tell your ex to fuck off. He's running back to you after he's been dropped by someone else.

You've said you've learned to cope without him, so fuck him off, he can't even keep contact with his child when he goes walk abouts,so he's chatting out of his arse wanting to be a family unit

Stay safe and go and enjoy your date!

Original poster
wannabeyou · 07/08/2018 10:37

I expect the gaps in communication are to do with him having other relationships during that time; and when he dumps/gets dumped, he calls you

Do you think so ?

Do you think he means it when he says he wants a family unit ?

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 07/08/2018 10:41

Seek counselling.
Keep all contact with ex to do with child only. And brief and professional. Preferably email, or text.
Continue to date if you feel ready, but don’t rush the relationship. Keep dating.
Your ex is still abusing you. He is preventing you from completely breaking free of his abusive cycle.
‘Your abuse prevented our family unit from being intact.’ Or even better dont reply at all.

C0untDucku1a · 07/08/2018 10:42

Of course he doesnt mean it!!!!

IDontEatFriedTurtle · 07/08/2018 10:54

You are not selfish and you are not cheating.

Two parents are great when both parents are great.

However, when one is an abusive cunt then it's just one sad parent and one abusive cunt. That is not preferable to one happy parent.

Hogtini · 07/08/2018 11:13

Don't cancel. You're taking positive steps away from this man by exploring someone new. He's just playing games.

QuiteCleanBandit · 07/08/2018 11:14

NO NO NO!
He was and still is abusive .
He is blaming and manipulating you .

Please dont go back.

Hernameisdeborah · 07/08/2018 11:33

I don't think he really means it when he says he wants a family unit. If he was that keen to have a happy stable unit he would have acted like a decent father and partner in the first place. He just wants to control you. Move on and don't look back. Xxxx wishing you strength and the life you deserve FlowersStar

magoria · 07/08/2018 11:59

When he says he wants a stable family unit. He means for now, until he is bored or the next better thing (woman) comes along.

Do not go back again. He is right your DC need a stable family until. That does not include him in and out. That is really bad and confusing for your DC.

He can bea good dad when not with you if he choses to be.

ferando81 · 07/08/2018 12:06

You will never live happily ever after with your ex.Grow up