Am I cheating on him ? Feel guilty.

[wannabeyou]

Hello everyone,

I don’t even know where to begin with this. I feel like I’m cheating on my partner (ex... I don’t even know what he is to me to be honest) and feel like cancelling my date with someone new.

I was with my ex for about 9 years, 1 DC, we were very young, the relationship was very toxic and abusive (on his side), thankfully not anymore. For one reason or another, he stopped contacting me and stopped seeing his child, during the period, I’m heartbroken, but I learn to get over him, took up new hobbies, enjoyed days out with the DC, more confident etc. It took me a very long time to get back to my normal self, after all the abuse, hurt etc.

Then 7 months later, I hear back from ex, saying how sorry he is, blah blah and I will take him back but keep my distance. Another argument happened and again I don’t hear from him again for two months, again I’m sad, but not as sad.

In the meantime, I was speaking to someone online, we are both clear we are not looking for relationships at the moment, but just seeing how it goes but, I have needs and haven’t had sex for three years, so it’s more of a casual thing, though we have planned to go out some where.

Then Lo and behold, ex messages, from not contacting us for two months, saying how sorry he is, now saying that he “wants us to be a family again, to live together again, he would like to re-kindle”. I tell him “I’m not sure because you (he) keeps coming in and out of our lives, even though the abused has stopped, I’m worried if we get close again, it will happen again, I’m worried to get close to him and be emotionally hurt by him”. Ex replies “it’s you (me) stopping us from being a family, but your (me) being selfish, think of it from DC’s point of view, it’s good to have two parents together, within a family unit”.

I’m now sitting here, just about to cancel my date with the new person ( as it feels like im cheating with ex-partner) as I’m seeing him next week. I don’t know why I can’t be strong. I’m not sure if I love my ex anymore, I’ve learnt to live without him, oh- I don’t know.

I was really looking forward to some action with my new date (I’m sorry if this makes me sound crass) but I genuinely think I will be cheating on my ex/kinda if I proceed.

How can he want a family unit when he disappears for months and doesn't bother with his child?!why would you even want a man around who can do that so easily?

Your ex is still abusing you, he's blaming you for his shitty behaviour.

Make a decision about the new person either way, but don't believe and go back to your ex. 100% agree that his silences correspond with new relationships for him - he's not even seeing his child in this period, does that sound like a good dad to you?

He doesn't want to be a family unit again, he just wants you back in 'your place' and he will continue to abuse you, likely see other women, and be a terrible parent to your child.

Being honest with yourself, do you really think your child would be better off in a family unit with a father who doesn't care enough about them to see them regularly? And one who abuses their mother?

You will never live happily ever after with your ex.Grow up

Hey, Fernando, fuck off.

How dare you be so rude to someone who is struggling with victimhood and abuse. It doesn't make you big and clever to put women down in this situation, so I suggest you grow up.

Just asking my voice to everyone who said to ignore your ex. I'm not sure if it's him you are seeing next week or your new date, but if it's your ex just remember you are actually under no obligation to meet him at all. He doesn't care about you or your kids. Don't fall for his bullshit.

Oh lovely, he's definitely still abusive. It's not you who has split the family up, it's his abuse. I'm getting the same bullshit from my ex - he tells me that I have decided to split the family and I tell him that no, that I have decided to stop being in an emotionally, financially abusive, controlling and jealous relationship.

I would also make sure he can't see your online messages. I hope he doesn't know any of your passwords etc. New bloke on the scene and he now wants to be a family unit?

he sounds like a waste of oxygen in my mind(I'm a bloke and can't stand shysters)

Don't waste anymore time on your ex (he is that for a reason), move on and enjoy life.

Thanks everyone for your replies. I didn’t feel he was being abusive, I believe he actually felt the way he did, in regards to the situation but couldn’t accept it from my point of view.

Ex replies “it’s you (me) stopping us from being a family, but your (me) being selfish

Im not sure if im correct when i say this (MNers im happy to be corrected if im wrong) but isnt his behaviour a form of gaslighting?
He is making you question your choices by placing blame on you. Your not together because of you? Yet hes the one who pisses off effectively ending whatever form of relationship you have each time?

This it manipulative and emotionally abusive.

Going back to him, think of the message this would send to your child. No, they wont see that you tried to save a family unit, they will see it as they only ever deserved a dad who was barely there, fucked off and never gave enough of a shit about his own dc and a mother who would never stand up and move on and just took him back each time. Dc deserves better than that right?

Dont cancel your date. Go have fun and be happy.x

OP I asked if you have ever met the online man because I wonder if your ex is messing with you in some way. To me, it seems more of a coincidence that he gets back in touch with you just when you are about to embark on something new.

As Ineed said, could he have your passwords/access to your messages, could he have set someone up to play a 'trick' on you or could it even be him messaging you pretending to be someone else?

Hello Columbo

Yes, I have met this person before, we went out for a coffee very early on, whilst chatting, as I wanted to be sure he was genuine. We are having our first actual date next week. I’m still thinking about it to be honest.

even though the abused has stopped
No it hasn't stopped.
He's actually ramping it up again.
Leaving for months on end.
Gaslighting.
Stonewalling.

Has he been paying towards his child while he's been off shagging other women and leaving you 'holding the baby'???

I wouldn’t go near the ex again. It sounds like you’ve worked so hard on rebuilding your life and he has the potential to undo all the good you’ve done for yourself and your children.
He can’t pick you up and put you down when he wants. Giving him another chance will be like giving him the green light to say ‘yes you can treat me like this but I’ll always take you back’.
It’s not on. You deserve better.

Tell ex to take a run and jump. He is manipulative and immature. He walks in and out of your life. He tells you to think of the DC but he walks out on you and DC. Go out with the new guy and enjoy yourself. Your Ex is still abusing you emotionally. You are worth more.

Even if you had strong feelings for this arsehole you shouldn't have him back. No one should disrespect you by picking up and dropping you when they want.
The fact you say
I don’t know why I can’t be strong. I’m not sure if I love my ex anymore, I’ve learnt to live without him, means that you are not even that bothered about him anyway, so even more reason not to have him back.

Don't pretend its for the kids that it's a good idea. It's not. Do you want them to grow up accepting treatment like your ex has treated you? Don't be persuaded that a "family unit" is best for the kids. Yes it is IF it is in a healthy, respectful relationship. Definitely not in a dysfunctional, unhealthy relationship like yours has been with your ex.

How are you getting on @wannabeyou?

You need to do whats right for you (not going back to him!) Please don't feel guilty about dropping the the happiness hoover and moving on!
You deserve so much more!
You would have a huge weight lifted off your shoulders and you will be so much happier.
Even if you try it and decide it's not for you - at least you would of tried it out, you never know.

Oh how selfish you are, thinking about things from your CHILD'S point of view
He's a man child. He'll never improve. Only expect disappointment and hurt from people like this.

Please don't go back. Remember the toxic and abusive stuff from the first time round which took so long to recover from and ask yourself whether you want to be back there again. People don't change that much.