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Original poster

Husband manipulating toddler?

37 replies

Whatdoidonow18 · 07/08/2018 08:11

Husband getting toddler ready to go to nursery, I'm ill so still in bed.

First he woke me up coming in with dd to get dressed and singing songs Hmm so I gave her a kiss and a cuddle. I complained about being woken up so he left.

5 minutes later they are ready to leave, I hear husband say quietly "Do you want to say Goodbye to mummy" Toddler says No
Husband says OK and goes to take her downstairs.

I called him out on it and he said I'd already said goodbye.

Dd is a real daddy's girl and I was starting to feel like it was because he's manipulating the situation and now I feel like this is proof.

Am I going crazy? Sad

OP posts:
DaanSaaf · 07/08/2018 08:14

I'm sorry, I don't understand what the issue is?

EB123 · 07/08/2018 08:15

I can't see what he did wrong?

Shoxfordian · 07/08/2018 08:15

He shouldn't have woken you up when you're ill. Not sure I quite understand the manipulative part of it.

Cambionome · 07/08/2018 08:17

I think you need to explain the situation a bit more clearly here, op, because I can't understand the problem either! Confused

DameSquashalot · 07/08/2018 08:18

I don't understand either. Is there a part missing?

He shouldn't have brought her in, knowing you were ill

RobinEggs · 07/08/2018 08:20

What’s he doing that’s manipulative? It sounds like he was just chatting to dd as he was getting her ready

Sittingonthefence83 · 07/08/2018 08:20

So are you thinking that he would have known that your DD was going to say 'no' therefore making him reassured that she prefers him?!?

Whatsforu · 07/08/2018 08:21

I think feeling unwell is clouding your judgement. You were unhappy because your DH woke you, then unhappy because he didn't disturb you a second time!!!! Sorry I don't see any manipulation.

SoyDora · 07/08/2018 08:23

He asked her if she wanted to say bye and she said no... I can’t see any manipulation in that? If he’d have said ‘you don’t want to say bye bye to grumpy mummy do you?’ or something like that you’d have a point.

pallasathena · 07/08/2018 08:24

You're not well and you're over-thinking. Get some rest and you'll feel better about things. We all lose perspective a bit when we're not well and building things up that are of small consequence in reality is sort of understandable.
Its normal for toddlers to display parental preference at this stage. Just bite your lip, see it as a normal phase and don't get upset about it.

BaronessBomburst · 07/08/2018 08:24

Knowing that you were already awake I would have expected him instead to have said "let's kiss mummy goodbye" but even so, I still can't see any manipulation.
Who is the primary carer? Who spends the most time with her?
It's not uncommon for young children to appear to favour one parent over the other, but it can also change on an almost daily basis. They're fickle creatures. It doesn't really mean anything!

Lullalullabyes · 07/08/2018 08:26

He probably didn't want to disturb you a second time when you'd told him off the first time.
Don't really see how that's manipulation of your daughter

PatriciaHolm · 07/08/2018 11:02

I don't get it either. Do you feel he was trying to get her to say No she didn't want to see you?

I can't see what he's done wrong here. You complained about being woken up - tbh I wouldn't have even asked the toddler if she wanted to say goodbye, I would have just left!

RatRolyPoly · 07/08/2018 11:13

YABU. Feel better soon Flowers

Thatsfuckingshit · 07/08/2018 11:18

I don't get it. It sounded like he asked her if she wanted to say bye and she didn't.

Is it that she didn't that has upset you?

PinkHeart5914 · 07/08/2018 11:21

You think his manipulative cos he asked a toddler if they wanted to say bye to mummy? Wtf? Confused if me or dh are taking the dc out and the other parents is in the garden/kitchen/getting dressed we’d always say do you want to say bye

Some children are just daddy’s girls/more for mum it’s just the way it is 🤷🏻‍♀️ Don’t take it too heart

DarklyDreamingDexter · 07/08/2018 11:34

DD didn't need to say goodbye again as she had already said goodbye once, as you said yourself. He was just checking, not manipulating! There's nothing sinister there unless there's a whole back story of previous form you haven't mentioned.

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 07/08/2018 12:44

I think I get it... you are annoyed that he was going to bring her back in to see you again (if she’d said yes) when you’d already asked to be left alone. The ‘manipulation’ is that he would have said ‘Sorry, DD really wanted to say goodbye’ when in fact he had asked her if she wanted to. Is that more or less what you’re annoyed about?

I must say that in isolation, it really doesn’t sound like anything to get worked up about and doesn’t seem like it merits a whole thread. But I’m poorly at the moment too so I do sympathise! Hope you feel better soon Flowers

Aria2015 · 07/08/2018 12:48

Perhaps he could have said 'say goodbye to mummy, she's not feeling well' rather than asking her and her being able to say no but it's easily done so not sure it counts as manipulation.

endofthelinefinally · 07/08/2018 12:48

I know what you mean OP.
My MIL was very, very manipulative with DS1. It is hard to describe to people who are not familiar with it. She did a huge amount of damage deliberately in order to make my life very difficult. She was so determined to get at me that she didn't care how much harm she was doing to him. She was a classic narcissist.
It is a small incident at the moment.It could be manipulation, it could just be thoughtlessness on his part/sensitivity on your part. Keep an eye on things for now, see how it goes.

SoyDora · 07/08/2018 12:51

endofthelinefinally I am genuinely just interested as I can’t see it myself... but what part of what the DH said was manipulation of the toddler? Or could be interpreted as such? To me, he asked her a question and she answered. It wasn’t a leading question, he wasn’t putting words in her mouth or trying to twist the outcome, he simply said ‘do you want to say bye to mummy?’ and she said ‘no’. If he’d said ‘mummy is being grumpy, you don’t want to say bye to her do you?’ I could see how that could be interpreted as manipulation.
As I said, just curious as to what I’m not seeing in the interaction!

HollowTalk · 07/08/2018 12:52

That sounds awful, @endofthelinefinally. I'd hate anyone to try to come between my children and me.

endofthelinefinally · 07/08/2018 12:56

SoyDora
That is why I said I might not be manipulation.
In my opinion it might or might not be.
I think in the DH's position, given that OP was ill, had already had kisses and cuddles with DD, the best thing would have been to take her straight to nursery without putting the idea in her head that she needed to go and see the ill OP again. But, it could easily be misjudgment/thoughtlessness.
Because I have experienced really shocking manipulation I am probably more likely to see it/consider it.
It is hard to judge on one small example.

SunflowerJo08 · 07/08/2018 12:58

I'd imagine that your DD considered your kiss and cuddle to be a goodbye. She may also have picked up on your annoyance at being woken up. To toddlers, we also smell, act and talk differently when we are ill, and this can be disturbing, which they can't work out is "because we are ill".

More than likely your DH is in a grump because you are ill and it is down to him to pick up the pieces. Unfortunately that is fairly common.

supercalifragilistic2 · 07/08/2018 13:04

Are you suggesting that he knew you would be grumpy if they woke you up, so did that bit deliberately to get a reaction and then asked the toddler if they wanted to say bye to mummy (knowing they would said no, because mummy was just grumpy to them)

Sounds a bit of a stretch. Your possibly overthinking this.