I need to unpick and make sense of my feelings re DH...

[SoKissMeHard]

Thought long and hard about posting this. I have name changed.

Sooo where to start. I met my husband at Uni. He was on my course. He made me laugh so much. He was so easygoing and funny and kind and all that really attracted me. We were close friends for a long time before we got together.

I was at uni about 100 miles from my home city. DH is from uni city and that’s where we live now. Jobs were thin on the ground in our field and somehow we both managed to secure decent jobs here and now we have moved to a suburb and have two small children. I dropped down to part time and here we are.

On paper it’s all perfect. But I am miserable and resentful and I don’t know what to do.

Before we got married he always said he would move to my home town if the circumstances were right. I kind of married him on that basis. I like it here but I never wanted the possibility of moving home to be ruled out forever.

Now, like I said, two small (pre school) children. I don’t get on that well with my in laws. I mean there is civility all round but they aren’t my cup of tea and I don’t feel like they like me much either. They don’t offer much support with the kids. They love the kids but they very much have their own lives. Fine. Whatever. I don’t care.

My mum and Dad and siblings are falling over themselves for more time with the kids. We try to see each other maybe twice a month but it’s getting harder. Work is demanding. I’m very tired. They’re tired (still working full time). I’m so homesick and it has become increasingly apparent that DH won’t move. I didn’t want to broach it with him because I knew what he’d say. I put it off and seethed silently. Then last weekend we had “the talk” and right enough it’s a no. “We’ve come too far, good schools here, happy jobs, such an upheaval” was the gist of it.

He’s carrying on as normal (he’s a total ostrich over shit like this) and I can barely look at him. I feel so angry. I don’t know where to go from here. I feel very trapped because even if we separated I couldn’t take the girls so far from their dad. He’s a good dad, very hands on, involved, devoted to the kids.

He’s not the person I married. He is no longer easy going and funny. He takes life far too seriously. There is no spontaneity and he worries about everything.

I’m just struggling. I don’t know what to do.

Aside from your mum and dad having easier access to the kids, why do you think moving would make you so much happier? What are the job prospects like in your home city? Are you sure you're not just displacing your unhappiness with your job, the exhaustion of raising young children, your relationship, etc. onto the issue?

"He worries about everything". He's a dad now, with responsibilities. If he was acting like a uni student at this point I'd be worried.

I’m in exactly the same position as you OP. I have no idea how I ended up living in the same town as my OHs family and so far from mine. I’m annoyed at myself daily. I’m totally stuck. I have no idea how to solve this problem.

Okay how about compromises? How about a move to the middle so you can continue to commute to work/see his family but are 50 miles closer to your family? Sadly both my parents have passed away - I will always regret being far away from them after Uni. There are good schools everywhere! These are just excuses and why does he get final say? You've had years being in his home-town, move before the children start school and have some time in yours - it's fair and right.

Re his change of persona - often caring men with young children worry about protecting them in practical ways such as finances/schools (taught this by society and parental views of fatherhood) he needs to remember emotional needs too. Is he stressed with work? An unhappy Mum has a huge affect on the family. You need to carry on talking.
Spend as much time with your family as possible, you'll never regret doing so. Good luck.

He went to university in his home town. That tells you everything you need to know. I don't think he ever had any intention of moving, sorry.

You could find that you don’t see your family much more than you do now if you moved. They couldn’t do childcare if they work full time and you see them twice a month as it is.

Also would your feelings towards your husband change if you moved?

I understand you want to be nearer your family it it is a big upheaval. How realistic is it eg both of you getting new jobs?

I've had similar, and totally understand the resentment, when you feel he's had things his way for so long yet won't even contemplate doing things your way at all. If he's adamant you can't move to your home town you definitely need to make some changes which are a compromise though. If not, you may feel you have no say in your family life and the resentment will affect your relationship for the worst. Would he move elsewhere if there were good schools there? Does he appreciate how little his family helps, compared to what your family is offering?

Is he the boss of you? He can say you are not moving. You can say you are moving. Start researching schools and jobs.

There's no mention of your friends in your post. Surely leaving all of them behind would be a problem if you moved?

You want to live in your home town, he wants to live in his. Your options are a) one of you gets your way and the other doesn't or b) you live halfway between.

Your husband chose to go to uni in his home town. You moved there, met him and chose to stay - he doesn't want to leave, and has never shown any desire to. This whole "if circumstances were right, I would consider moving to your home town" is incredibly vague and I'm surprised you "married him on this basis" - to him it meant "I'm not ruling it out - if my home town was entirely destroyed in a flood or something I might think about moving". Whereas you seem to have heard it as "Yep, we'll live here for a few years then I'd be up for moving to your home town permanently".

You said yourself that jobs in your field are "thin on the ground" and you have two small children who are settled. On paper, it does sound a bit unreasonable to suddenly uproot everyone. I don't think you're unreasonable to want to move, but I don't think you have grounds to feel "cheated" or misled in any way.

Could you rent a house where you think you might like to live and find a decent, full time job there. I think this is what I'd do in your shoes ideally. Would your family allow the childcare element to happen so that you could assume the single parent role? Maybe your H would then realise that this is an option and he would possibly choose to follow. You on the other hand would get to try it and find out if it really is as good as you imagine.

Thats a tricky one that you need to unpick.
You say he has changed, do you still love him is he loving towards you? People do become more serious once kids are born.

You say hes a good hands on dad but suggest that you feel unsupported - in what way?
Is it just the in laws and missing your parents and siblings that are the problem or do you feel socially isolated? Are froendships an issue that you think might be resolved by moving?
You said he would consider moving if circumstances were right, on a practical level how would you all benefit from the move, especially if jobs in your field are thin on the ground and you have been able to secure good ones where you are?
Is there anything to be done that would make you less homesick?

Did you really marry him on the basis that one day he might consider moving to your home town?! I don't think you're reasonable here because you both have good jobs where you are, it's a city so I'm sure you could find new friends to see and things to do, your parents are super keen to see your children but is that because they don't see them all the time? I get the impression you were expecting some childcare from your parents in law but they're your children, totally your responsibility.

Be responsible for your own happiness and try to enjoy the place you live in a bit more. Join meetup, make some friends. If you use that energy you're currently using towards feeling resentful towards making the most of where you are then you might even like it there.

Oh dear, you really married him on basis of the future option of him moving to your home town? Pull the other one, if it was the dealbreaker you say it was why let it get this far?

No one pointed a gun to your head, you chose to stay, get married, buy a home and have children where you are currently located. Tbh I wouldn’t be in any great hurry to change jobs (in these economic times) move house and uproot my children so my OH could be closer to their family.

This is what happens when you kick the can into the long grass, life doesn’t stop and the trapping of adult life makes the subject of where you live harder, not easier. You can rewrite history and make staying where you are sound as some noble sacrifice on your part and now ‘it’s his turn’ to reciprocate but that’s not how it works. Your dissatisfaction in your choices way back when are feeding your general negative feelings now.

I’m not unsympathetic to your distress but you’re you’re going to have to make a decision to come to terms with your situation or let the resentment build and poison your relationship.

Moving house is a red herring here OP (IMHO). It seems that you are looking for external excuses to be miserable whereas the real problem is the relationship between you and your DP.

You say he's changed, he's no longer fun, he worries too much, he takes things way too seriously. This is what you need to be addressing. Why is he unhappy and worried? What would make him feel better? You're angry and resentful. I think the main reason you want to move home because you don't want to be with him any more.

Would counselling help? I don't have any magic solutions for you other than a suggestion that you focus on your relationship, not where you live.

Some of the responses are very harsh. I think the OP needs some TLC and as she is from a loving home would like to seek it there.

Life is often hard - our dreams and world view don't often match the reality. I remember feeling like this when my DC were little- working flat out and doing most of the mental load and caring - career not living up to the dreams of fulfillment we are sold, living in a place I hated and my DP not really pulling his weight to help us move on. Also that realisation that you are never going to be "amazing" or do something world changing - it's hard - give the OP a break! She is feeling a bit down and frustrated by life and so interprets that as being "homesick" as luckily for her her home is a safe place she feels would improve things if she could retreat to it.

I do think you need to reconnect with your DH - you seem to be pulling away from one another and resentment once it sets in festers (and your DH may be totally unaware or have not really grasped how strongly you feel about the issue) - so having a really good talk with him about your feelings is a must.

Do you really love your DH, have you felt passionate in the past about him or do you feel you have missed out a bit if he was a comfy, safe option? I didn't get the sense of love or passion for him from your OP.

Can you get the similar jobs, houses and schools where your parents are?
It is a bit odd to just want to move to be near your parents. There needs to be something else otherwise you may end up resenting them too.
Moving back to your home town is unlikely to be what you had 20 years ago.
I think you are a little bit unreasonable.

Depression often comes into the gap between fantasy and reality. You have a fantasy that your life would be so much easier if you moved back home. But you would still be busy/ overworked and tired as you have 2 small dc. The reality is this is where you are right now. Your dps work so will be busy with their own lives. When you visit they are all over you as you are a welcome guest but living beside them will not always be like that.
Its important to accept where you are as its in that you will find contentment. Take steps to make life a bit easier.Regular babysitter so ye can get out. Take up some fun thing for yourself where you meet new people and build a network around yourself.
Maybe keep an eye on jobs nearer your dps as your dh might be tempted by a good promotion as he sounds like he is thinking seriously about your dcs future which, believe me, is a strong asset in a guy.
100 miles is nothing. Try in the Summer especially to get home for longer spells. Have your dps up to stay.
But, sorry, l don't think you are totally living in reality here. If you hate being at home..part time could you go back to work. Being on your own with 2 preschoolers is not always fun .
Its part of life growing up to find the happiness within yourself as that way you will be happy whereever you go.

I have moved ‘a lot’ and all I will say is that you can move but the issues go with you , and if you think it will be easier it probably won’t be as different things come into play, whether it’s lesser jobs and a resentful husband or parents not quite as on tap as you thought they would be etc. Also if your parents are still working then they are fit and able for a fortnightly visit and the same in reverse, that isn’t that far , I think you may create as many problems as you solve

Thank you. A lot to think about and address here but I’m at work right now so I’ll revisit this later. Just wanted to let you know I’m still here and I’m reading all replies x

Hi OP. Agree with other comments that moving won't solve all your problems, just maybe provide a temporary distraction.

If you're set on seeing more of your family perhaps you could stay with them during the holidays. I know someone who does this although she is a teacher so obvs the hols match up with the kids. If you think this could resolve the problem then sit down with your DH and have a conversation about how to make it happen. And be clear about what you agree.

Hope you find a solution to this.

Right so.

My home town is a major city. The uni town is a large town. Employment prospects are far better in my home town and I’d get paid more for doing what I do (DH probably wouldn’t have much of a difference salary-wise). We are very fortunate to have landed the jobs we did in Uni town.

I’m actually beginning to wonder if it’s even about where we live now. I wonder if it has now become a point of principal for me. Why does he get to decide everything, why does he get the final say? I recognise that’s perhaps an immature way of looking at things but it is what it is. You may disagree but from the discussions we had back before we got married, I feel he has moved the goalposts.

I am angry with myself for allowing this to happen and I do recognise my own part in this.

He’s a good person. Devoted to us, I recognise that. I never have to worry with him about abuse or cheating - hes just not that sort. But I’m so angry with him. So angry that I don’t know where to go from here with him. I also harbour a lot of resentment towards my in laws. Not for not helping. Whoever said the children are my responsibility is entirely correct and I don’t expect anything from them in that regard (in fact I don’t particularly like it when they babysit - they feed them too much crap and they park them in front of the telly). I can’t bear the favouritism they show towards DHs brother, and his son. DH seems oblivious to this but to me it is incredibly obvious. I want to shield my kids from that. They also alienate me (perhaps unintentionally) by slagging off my home town. I don’t think they mean it - I think it’s just thoughtlessness. But again I don’t even think DH notices.

It has reached the stage where I have no interest in being in their lives and I tolerate their contact with the kids for DH. I don’t want to make life so difficult for him, he loves his parents)

The issue of his patents are a white elephant. Wherever you lived you probably wouldnt get on with them and theit attitude would bother you.

Your anger seems something else though. He doesnt get the final say you can choose to go if you want just like he can choose to stay.
However whoose argument is more compeling?
Objectively besides the fact that of the two of you, your financial circumstances would improve how would he and the children benefit from a move?

Why does he get to decide everything, why does he get the final say?

Well because you let him. Stand up to him and say 'no' to his 'no'.

Say you've lived in his terms long enough and now is time for him to be the one that compromises.

He's just used to getting his way, so he thinks no is the end of it. It's not.

Objectively besides the fact that of the two of you, your financial circumstances would improve how would he and the children benefit from a move?

Well obviously a major city has more opportunities and amenities for everyone. A greater spread of people. Perhaps even better schools.

Shambu I think it depends on the major city in question. In some the preception of more opportunities is cancelled out by more and stronger competition. Last job my friend applied to had 300 applicants. Moreover over population can mean amenities are overstretched places in good schools hard to come by and house prices mean homeownership is beyond the reach of those on high middle incomes. Also poor mental health and social isolation is poor prevelant. Admitedly that last one could be down to more people.

I think you need to get out more.