I need to unpick and make sense of my feelings re DH...

[SoKissMeHard]

Thought long and hard about posting this. I have name changed.

Sooo where to start. I met my husband at Uni. He was on my course. He made me laugh so much. He was so easygoing and funny and kind and all that really attracted me. We were close friends for a long time before we got together.

I was at uni about 100 miles from my home city. DH is from uni city and that’s where we live now. Jobs were thin on the ground in our field and somehow we both managed to secure decent jobs here and now we have moved to a suburb and have two small children. I dropped down to part time and here we are.

On paper it’s all perfect. But I am miserable and resentful and I don’t know what to do.

Before we got married he always said he would move to my home town if the circumstances were right. I kind of married him on that basis. I like it here but I never wanted the possibility of moving home to be ruled out forever.

Now, like I said, two small (pre school) children. I don’t get on that well with my in laws. I mean there is civility all round but they aren’t my cup of tea and I don’t feel like they like me much either. They don’t offer much support with the kids. They love the kids but they very much have their own lives. Fine. Whatever. I don’t care.

My mum and Dad and siblings are falling over themselves for more time with the kids. We try to see each other maybe twice a month but it’s getting harder. Work is demanding. I’m very tired. They’re tired (still working full time). I’m so homesick and it has become increasingly apparent that DH won’t move. I didn’t want to broach it with him because I knew what he’d say. I put it off and seethed silently. Then last weekend we had “the talk” and right enough it’s a no. “We’ve come too far, good schools here, happy jobs, such an upheaval” was the gist of it.

He’s carrying on as normal (he’s a total ostrich over shit like this) and I can barely look at him. I feel so angry. I don’t know where to go from here. I feel very trapped because even if we separated I couldn’t take the girls so far from their dad. He’s a good dad, very hands on, involved, devoted to the kids.

He’s not the person I married. He is no longer easy going and funny. He takes life far too seriously. There is no spontaneity and he worries about everything.

I’m just struggling. I don’t know what to do.

How about you start making some final decisions on smaller things immediately. Things where he might normally overrule you. This might help you feel less helpless.

Driving can be a good one. Men often become the default driver. Easy to take that back. Got any others you can think of?

Like shamu I think you need to get out more on your own with your local mates.

I was just nuts about him when we were engaged and I guess the moving home thing didn’t seem so important. The main thing for me was that he seemed open minded about it and at the time that was enough for me. I feel like he shouldn’t have married me if he knew deep down that it wasn’t an option. It would have hurt like hell but at least I would have known.

I feel isolated and bitter and let down by my in laws. When I give this some proper thought, i think they are at the root of a lot of this. I don’t want to feel this way. I want to like them and enjoy their company but I don’t.

I don’t have many friends. I have my girls and my work and I don’t feel like I need friends so much. Never have done really. I mean I do have friends but I don’t tend to see them much although we WhatsApp etc a lot.

All my energy goes into keeping the girls happy. We do a lot of fun things together and I do enjoy life here generally. It’s pretty and it’s “naice” as they say. But I feel very alone. I don’t feel like my husband is on my side. Maybe that’s it.

I think the OP is getting a hard time and I'm not sure why.

Surely the issue is one of communication between you and your partner. You're angry because you feel that he lied to you and that's a horrible feeling. Whatever he said to you, you heard that he was open to doing something but it turns out he isn't so you feel deceived. It's understandable to feel angry about that.

What do you do about it? Well, address the communication issues between you. Work out if you can trust him, whether you misunderstood him or whether he has changed his mind, can you trust him or is this a symptom of a deeper issue.

That's my tuppence anyway.

When you talked about where you live, did you let him know how unhappy you are there?

Moving town or city isn't like deciding to go to a new supermarket. It's a major upheaval and it does come across as a little immature...we've lived in your town now it's time to live in mine.

Many people don't like their in-laws...they are not in your marriage.

The issue here is your relationship with your DH. You don't find him fun anymore...he's too serious for you.

When one thing isn't good...you look at other things that aren't going well.

If you were happy with him...your in-laws wouldn't be such an issue.

I think putting energy into reconnecting and spending quality time with him may help.

Do you have date nights?
Do you spend fun times...not as a family...but just the two of you?

Life can get boring and be a drag if you don't make a lot of effort to appreciate and enjoy it. Right now it's like he's lost his spark and doesnt quite light your fire anymore.

So to sum up.
Marriage is a compromise and the OP has to compromise by doing what her husband wants, because he has had his way up to now and it's only right that that should continue.

Good god.

Slapdasherie's summary is spot on.
OP I really feel for you, if it wasn't for the fact that my DD managed to sort things out I would've thought it was her writing your post.
Her situation was exactly the same as yours. She was desperately unhappy and, like you, very angry at being lied to.
Eventually she told her DH that she didn't want the marriage to end but that she and the DC would be moving to the city whether he came or not.
Long story short, her DH realised what a dick he was being, they both found new jobs and a great new school for the DC and are living happily ever after 15 minutes away from me and her dad.
Yes, moving is a major upheaval, but it's not as if you're going to the North Pole and it's a damn sight less "upheaving" (can't think of the right word) than divorce or living in misery for years.
Good luck. I think you're going to have deliver an ultimatum or two because if your DH is anything like my son-in-law (who I love to bits - don't get me wrong) he will make sure "the circumstances" are never right.

I married and moved 4 hours away knowing my DH wouldn’t move.
It’s my biggest regret.
I’ve made a life for myself and am happy but am getting (recently) massive waves of homesickness which is a bit silly after 20+ years of marriage.
I look back and think i should have moved “home” long ago.

Yep, happened to me too, Fishface

But I'm stuck in the wrong country. I long to go home but have to weigh up not living in the same country as my children.

OP you need to move if that's what you want. Once your DC's are in school they will have roots and so will you.

My above comment at 22.44 was not the OP, but to the PP who said, essentially that cities were big scary places.

I totally agree with slapdasherie, thus far OP has made all the compromises. She was given a verbal agreement that DH is now backtracking on.

I think OP is used to letting DH have final say so he's used to doing whatever he likes.

If she lets him know she's serious about this and she will move with or without him, then I think it's likely that he will get on board.

I suggest you read “Toxic In-laws” by Susan Forward, I’ve just finished reading it and it’s very helpful. Them slagging off your home town is not ok. The favouritism is not ok. DH burying his head in the sand and always getting his own way is not ok. You focusing on your children’s happiness and feeling lonely and doing nothing for yourself is not ok. I suggest you start doing an activity that’s just for you, maybe a weekly class or book group or something. And would your DH consider couple’s counselling? I think you really need it tbh. But if he refuses maybe get counselling just for you.

I’m trying to get my head around 100 miles.
I literally just picked a city...York and another one with a university...Loughborough

There you go...100 miles. A 2 hour drive. If I was living in Loughborough, I know I’d much rather live in York or a satellite town nearby.
( in all fairness to Loughborough, we stayed st the university and only drove through the town)

My point is trying to pick somewhere 50 miles between the two doesn’t make sense. There’s a lot of country in between. If you drive 50 miles you may as well drive the other 50 to somewhere that says homersther than settle for a half way house.

It sounds more to me that you are very unhappy with the status quo and your mind is dragging you back to a time when things were good.
A little bit like looking back with rose tinted glasses and the reality would probably be so different.

I think you and your husband need to rediscover yourselves.
Have a good long chat about how unhappy you are. Tell him you miss the fun loving spontaneous person he used to be ( but don’t forget you will have changed to)

I think you would benefit from some relationship counselling.to get yourselves back to where you used to be and the strong base you used to have and just change one thing at a time..
Moving at a time when your relationship is fragile could really upset the Apple cart..two new jobs which neither of you might like, new school, new house...might just be a bit much and the resentment you feel right now, might just match the resentment your dh might feel if he hates his job and hates being so far from family.

FWIW..I live in the same town as my children and grandchildren. I last saw my son 10 days ago for a couple of hours. My daughter on Friday but that was exceptional. She is busy taking her children to all sorts of things as she home educates and my son works awkward shifts and has three children of his own .
I might only see them twice a month.

Agree with Dowser

I could've written your post a few years back. With hindsight we should probably all have a structured life plan rather than "maybe one day" type plans as they can be misinterpreted and mean different things to different people.

I was desperate to move back to my home town and dh didn't want to, he said it was a dump (it is but I couldn't see it). I think to some extent I knew that dh was right it is better where we live and a nicer environment to bring up a family but for me the grass was greener and I harboured resentment as I felt that my opinions were not as valid.

Anyway we are a few years down the line and we stayed and I'm glad we did. It would've been a mistake to move back to my hometown (I don't like it there at all) but I think at the time I was lonely, isolated and generally dissatisfied. I now have a better job, the kids are settled at school and this is their home. When the kids are at uni we plan on relocating to a different place altogether.

I'm not sure what the answer for you is but I understand and empathise with your predicament.

Sounds positive Winnie

I think you need to further research jobs , homes & schools in your home city & then have s further conversation with your DH. I also think you need to address the fact that compromise in your marriage means you doing what he wants
I'd certainly be asking him why he thinks he gets to say no to this major life decision & think that's the end of it.

I feel for you. I moved back nearer to my parents when my DD was three months old. Ex husband did not want to move but I made it clear I wanted to go so he came with.

Now be good time to put your foot down before your kids start school as then your really be stuck. Your kids could also have a more active and loving relationship with your parents and siblings that they don't seem have with your husband parents...just be strong.

Slapdasherie, are you me?

OP, I can relate to a lot of what you are going through.

FWIW, I am trying to make the most of the situation as there is zero chance of us moving to my hometown, but I'm in a different country, my dh doesn't speak English very well, we would both struggle to find decent jobs at our age, and the difference in house prices where I come from and where we live mean that we would struggle to buy a two bedroomed flat. And I strongly suspect that such a move wouldn't make things better for me.

Whatever plan of action you choose, the anger/resentment poison needs to be dealt with. It's a killer.

I do hope you find a solution.