why do men think i want to be the ow?

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I genuinely want advice or some sort of insight into why men behave on a certain way around me. Basically they try and rescue me, befriend me and then try it on. Now it wouldn’t be an issue if they were single but usually they are married.

currently i’m in the early stages of dating a lovely guy but this has happened through my life, even when i am in relationships.

i don’t cheat on people and get genuinely shocked and upset when these men try it on- as it offends me that they believe i would be ok with them hurting their partners and feel like the entire friendship was fake / feel used.

I am friendly, sporty (so talk about the gym etc) and treat men and women equally (as how friendly i am etc). It happens a lot, recently i was mentored by a guy at work and thought he was brilliant- really admired him and then he ends up trying it on (told me he had decided to leave his partner etc- which i didn’t believe but was absolutely shocked) The same week my carpenter tried his luck - also married with kids. it seems we have a conversation, get on like i would with a woman and they decide i am someone who is willing.

i also get messages on instagram from men who i work in the same field as who i know are married giving me compliments and then trying it on.

i just don’t understand why i give off these signals that it’s ok to try it on etc. i always ask about wives and children to them, i have 2 dc and talk about them.

Yeah we all get those. Just tell them to fuck off.

..Emi?

I don't know but lately I'm starting to think the majority of men these days have zero respect for their relationships. I've heard of 6 cheating incidents since Saturday including mine!

It's nothing you're doing, OP - these men are just twats. There is a certain kind of man who thinks that any unattached woman is a) desperate for male attention and b) available to him. It's as if a single woman is like an empty parking space - not being used by anyone else, so they think they can just drive right in.

Don't start thinking "it must be a thing I'm doing, I'm too friendly, I'm giving them the wrong idea, etc". These guys are sleaze bags actively trying to cheat on their wives (or just testing the water to prove to themselves they could) - a decent guy doesn't turn into a cheat if a woman is nice to him.

They're trying their luck. It's how they eventually get someone on board.

When I was at uni I worked part time tending bar, mostly during summer holiday. Some men assumed that because I was nice to them that meant I wanted to have sex with them. It was most often the men women wouldn't generally be nice to, so I must have confused them somehow.

A big fat no and they generally jogged on.

oh thanks i feel very reassured now! it just makes you loose faith in men which is depressing

For some people, it's just a numbers game. 'Try it on' with say10 people, not much chance of scoring. With 1000, more likely to get the rightsponse from someone, with 10,000 almost a certainty.

It's not you, it's them. Ignore.

Most of the regulars at the bar where I worked (an Irish pub type place in the US) were actually very protective of me and would happily tell some guy to feck off if they thought I was being harassed

But yeah, it's not you. A lot of the ones who were after me hardly knew my name.

You are fine, normal nice - they on the other hand are absolute fecking chancer wastrels !

What the hell is going on lately? Is there something being put in the water? Divorce lawyers adding something to make men act/be twats so they get more business?!? There really seems to be no hope. The things I’m hearing lately...

I get this all the time since becoming single last year. They must think we are damaged and can't protect ourselves from idiots like them.

It's not you, it's them. Don't worry about a 'vibe' you're giving off, passing the time of day with some men can make them mistake you're gagging for it.
I had someone over to measure up for a job the other day.
Sometime between getting his tape measure out and giving me a price, he must have decided I was up for it, and half an hour later he was messaging offering a different type of 'service'.
Even old friends with no prior warning have tried their chances, when I was separated.
Just ignore.

God this is depressing..

I want to have faith in men! I want to like and respect men!

I want to like and respect men!

I like and respect most men. I also understand that the way they view sex is different than the way we have to.

There is a certain kind of man who thinks that any unattached woman is a) desperate for male attention and b) available to him. It's as if a single woman is like an empty parking space - not being used by anyone else, so they think they can just drive right in

Exactly SendintheArdwolves

Generally - it does seem there are more who openly try it on & I see that as a consequence of less respect for relationships nowadays, and internet 'chocolate box' mentality with men logging on thinking they're some kind of lothario, loads of women available. All from the comfort of their chair. Probably even whilst shitting on the toilet, phone in hand

Mind you I see it with women too. DP is in early 60s so not young, but still strong and active with a distinctive silver fox look. I've seen women hit on him when I'm in same room/function gone off to get a drink or some such.

I'm not saying things were better before after all, lots of stuff was hidden. But now everything is so blatant, like a mad rush to have it all, be with different people etc

Creepy men have always been visible enough tho. When I split with H I was entirely unsurprised at the number of his so-called friends I had to tell to piss off when they 'happened to be passing by my house & thought they'd just pop in'.

I've had more guys hitting on me since my divorce a year ago than I have for the 15 years I was with my ex (which was none). All married. Two of whom are work colleagues who are seen as the perfect family men. One of them made it as clear as mud that he isn't having sex with his wife and just wanted a fuck. The other went running back to his wife and she has since been on all of our nights out with lots of pdas that I've never seen before despite knowing them both for 5 years.
I think they see a vulnerability that they can take advantage of. I'm struggling to explain myself - if you weren't single they wouldn't be interested as there is a man that "owns" you. You are off the market. And as you are single, you are fair game. You will want attention, made to feel attractive and wanted and to them that = potential sex.

i just don’t understand why i give off these signals that it’s ok to try it on etc

You don't. It's them. The creepy weirdos are small in number but they ahve a huge advantage over other blokes on OLD, in that they don't give a shit about: getting to know someone, embarrassing themselves, appearing too pushy, being unpleasant in their behaviour.

Thus they will send many, many messages and dick pics in a method known as playing the odds. The terrifying thought is that there must be enough women out there desperate/gullible enough to co-operate for these methods to be worthwhile, even if it is only 1 in 100.

Please do report any dick pics and aggressive messages. It's not normal or acceptable behaviour and if everyone could be bothered to report them, they'd soon run out of websites to use.

Not at all unusual I'm afraid, op. They see ordinary friendliness as an invitation so try their luck.

What wolves said.

Do you have lady parts? That's all it takes.
And there's no man around to beat them up by hitting on you.

I get this too.

There’s a certain type of man that thinks that single women are fair game because no one own them. There’s no boyfriend/husband to be worried about.

I learned the hard way that most men never want to be 'friends' with a woman. So now if anyone married is overly friendly towards me I realise what they're up to before the hitting on stage. I've had this happen to me actually with one of my dd's teachers. Some people have no shame.

It’s them, not you. Some men see eye contact as a bloddy invitation and yes it’s a numbers game (cast the net wide enough and all that), they will no probably hook someone with either low self esteem or who matches their own inflated ego eventually.

A gay friend who has been single for some time gets this all the time too. He often complains about the downside of being attracted to men, is that there are far too many of them out there who can’t see past their own dicks and ‘straight married men’, are apparently the worst.

I have noticed too, when I'm out with my dh for lunch. His colleagues who are married, or in a relationship are out having Cosy lunches together with other male colleagues . It gets my back up because they are supposed to be in a respectable position. My dh says it's fine if other half knows, but me is guessing their other half's don't.