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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He goes out.. Too much?

30 replies

Newmum2018aug · 06/08/2018 17:38

Hi

I'm looking for some advice really, my boyfriend and I have been falling out quite a bit recently due to him going out drinking often.

I am currently 36 weeks pregnant, nearly 37 and he goes out to the pub I would say at least 3 or 4 times a week. This can differ sometimes he comes home at 7pm and sometimes he comes in as late as 12-1am. I am not trying to be unreasonable and I know he needs to spend time with his friends and I don't want to be "that" girlfriend that moans all the time but I can't help but feel like this is a bit much?

If I try to confront him on it he says I'm doing his head in and that if I don't like it I have the option to leave. He has also come home at about 1am before and told me the reason he stayed out so late was because I moaned and he would have come home earlier if I hadn't.

I'm just not sure what to do by this point, sitting in a flat on your own that many times a week is quite lonely and I don't have the energy to go out myself anymore. Do you think I'm being too controlling? I just don't know what to do if I express that I'm unhappy about it, it just seems to push him away more. Sad

OP posts:
twilightsaga · 06/08/2018 17:49

3-4 times a week would be too much for me. Has he always been like this? Is he trying to squeeze it in before baby comes? I'd speak to him and tell him when baby is here you're going to need him to be more present and his drinking will impact his parenting

amilosingitor · 06/08/2018 17:53

My dp can be similar. I'm also pregnant so feel your pain. Yanbu in my eyes but he won't see that just like my other half won't

Ruby09 · 06/08/2018 17:54

I wouldn’t be happy with that either . It’s not that your being controlling at all your about to have a baby you need him around. Realistically you could go into labour any day now your going to need him to be stone cold sober and be available for you.
You need a serious conversation and if he isn’t happy about it then unfortunately I’d be questioning my relationship. I’m so sorry to be saying that when your so close to giving birth :(

Notmany · 06/08/2018 18:06

How long has this been happening?

userabcname · 06/08/2018 18:06

Is this a new thing? Is he likely to want to continue this when you have a newborn? I needed DH to take over for me in the evenings after DS was born - I needed to rest, have a bath, eat and have a hot cup of tea to feel somewhat normal after birth and having a newborn breastfeed and sleep on me all day. Your partner does sound quite selfish and I would worry that he would not be willing to help in those difficult newborn days. A serious discussion is needed.

GertrudeCB · 06/08/2018 18:12

Yes it's too much. Also blaming you for staying out until 1 am ?? He needs to grow the fuck up or you will forever be the default parent

Original poster
Newmum2018aug · 06/08/2018 18:13

He's not always been this bad, when I first met him he would go about once a week. It seems to be like it got more often the more pregnant I got. Maybe he just can't stand to be around me at the minute I'm not sure. He has said it would all come to a stop when the baby is born but he has not been one for keeping his word. He always promises when he goes he will only have a couple of pints but he comes home pissed most of time.

I have mentioned to him that I need him sober for when I give birth but he is still going and moans whenever I speak up. This is why I can't have the discussion with him because I just get told I'm controlling him and he can't be controlled.

I hope that he will change when the baby is born but I'm not holding my breath Sad I just don't see why he would start caring then when he hasn't really cared about me throughout the pregnancy?

OP posts:
Original poster
Newmum2018aug · 06/08/2018 18:14

As I'm currently writing this he is at the pub and his phone is dead/off. Confused

OP posts:
IncrediblySturdyPyjamas · 06/08/2018 18:17

He has also come home at about 1am before and told me the reason he stayed out so late was because I moaned and he would have come home earlier if I hadn't.

This is part of your training, to stop you from moaning.

Swimminguphill · 06/08/2018 18:21

I’d be incandescent OP! I don’t think you should have to tell a grown adult that they need to be sober for the birth of their child. I understand people need to socialise separately as well as be together but I would expect him to want to support you and bond with you prior to the birth of your child. Once baby comes any issues in your relationship will be magnified x1000. If he can’t stay home now when it’s calm & orderly I don’t think he will want to once a crying, puking, pooing baby comes along. I don’t know what advice to give as it’s so hard when you are about to give birth and your hormones are all over the place but if it was me i’d Want to be somewhere safe, sheltered and nesty where there is someone around who could make me a cup of tea of an evening. Do you have anywhere like that? You shouldn’t have to confront anything other than the fact you will soon be bringing a new life into the world just now. Do you have a loving family or good friend you can either have come over or go and stay with, depending on your housing sitch? Goes without saying BF can stay down the pub...

Seniorschoolmum · 06/08/2018 18:25

Op, you need a back up plan for when you go into labour. You can’t rely on your dp if he is going to turn his phone off.

To be honest I don’t think you can rely on him at all. He sounds very immature & selfish. Do you have someone better, close by?

blueangel1 · 06/08/2018 18:28

@Seniorschoolmum - I agree. I think I'd be looking for someone else as a dependable birth partner.

Mishappening · 06/08/2018 18:29

I'm a little puzzled as to why you have chosen to have a family with this man.

dirtybadger · 06/08/2018 18:37

Im not pregnant, dont have DC, and dont even live with my DP! I dont think I would stick with him if he was at the pub 3 x a week until 1am odd. And it doesnt even effect me directly. Its just a big warning that someone is a feckless and also I would be concerned about alcohol problems developing if they are drinking the whole time. Surely he is going to work hungover? Is he driving in the morning? Is this the lifestyle you want, single parent 3 days a week+? Because presumably hes at work all morning and afternoon, then at pub, so no use at all?

LeftRightCentre · 06/08/2018 18:40

I would ditch someone who did this. He's an alcoholic and a dick to blame his alcohol abuse on you and moaning. He'll only get worse.

Merryoldgoat · 06/08/2018 18:46
  1. Find a new birth partner.
  2. Leave him.

Seriously. You’re heavily pregnant. You r asked him not to go to the pub so much at a time when you’re vulnerable and need support. He’s told you to leave if you don’t like it. He’s not a partner. He’s an arsehole.

It’s a shame you’ve realised so late on but start making plans.

Baby should your name, seriously consider not putting him on the birth certificate, ensure you claim everything you are entitled to.

Are you financially independent? Do you have family who can help you?

Mrskeats · 06/08/2018 18:49

I don’t get why any woman would have a child with someone who is not a grown up,

Original poster
Newmum2018aug · 06/08/2018 19:08

Thank you everyone for the comments, I realise there is some emotional abuse going on here with the things he says to me like the fact it was my fault he came home late.

I understand that a lot of people think I should end the relationship but id end up having to move to a flat on my own and bring the baby up alone. This is a massively scary concept for any woman. I chose to have this baby with him because he wanted it at the time, when we found out I was pregnant we were both really happy and I never would have thought things would go downhill like they have. I'll also mention the fact he is 33 years old for people calling him immature. I'm 25 myself.

I feel so lost that I'm so heavily pregnant and nothing is what a envisioned Sad bringing a baby into the world with a broken family was never something I would have done had I seen it coming, it seems as though he was a different person at the start of all this.

OP posts:
Mary1935 · 06/08/2018 19:25

Hi Newsum - congratulations on your upcoming birth.
He’s showing his true colours isn’t he. Four times a week - getting pissed - what type of father will he be?
He’s not listenening to YOUR NEEDS is he?
Mine did this except it was not the pub - it was his mother he was seeing four times a week.
You are putting yourself in a difficult position. Do you work? Will you have access to money?
He is being emotionally abusive - he thinks he can do what he wants. What will he be like with a crying baby?
Have you got family you can turn too or good friends.
He may let you down - we’ll hes already letting you down isn’t he.
It’s not a partnership and I have doubts about him being able to not drink or listening to your needs.
He’s selfish and immature.
Look after yourself.

twilightsaga · 06/08/2018 19:32

They are always a different person at the start op but people like him always show their true colours. I had a lot of problems with my ex when pregnant and for a while after till I dumped him off. It made having a newborn ten times harder as I had his crap to deal with on top of everything else. It made my anxiety go through the roof post natal. Look after yourself and don't be scared to be alone if that's what you ever needed to do. Tell him he's got a chance to shape up now before baby is here and show you he can be there. It would be very difficult for him to just suddenly stop this behaviour after birth especially as it's a stressful time for you both. He needs to start now

lifebegins50 · 06/08/2018 20:44

How long were to together before pregnancy?

I really feel for you, he doesn't want a partner in the true sense. Perhaps he liked the idea of a baby but is determined it won't change his life.

You will be better off without a drunk or belligerent partner when in labour. Can anyone else step in?

It will be his loss.

What is your housing and work situation?
Don't give the baby his surname...you will really will regret it in the long run.

Sadly if he is 33 then he is really unlikely to change.

ednclouda · 06/08/2018 20:53

ive read your post what will he say after four nights of no sleep with newby 'your doing my head in ' again serious thinking and support network uppage for you chicky

Quartz2208 · 06/08/2018 20:56

OP unless something changes you will be raising this child on your own

Age is a number behaviour is what counts and he is being immature

Fairylea · 06/08/2018 21:00

My ex was exactly like this and it’s why I left him when dd was 6 months old (she is now 15). If he won’t change I think you’d be better off on your own, it’s a miserable life playing second fiddle to the pub.

usernamefromhell · 06/08/2018 21:07

OP I totally understand why you're scared and loathe to chuck him out now.

Maybe get the birth and first few weeks out of the way before you do it. Make sure you have a reliable birth partner and call in as much help as you can from friends and family and focus on getting through that.

But this won't get better. He won't change after the baby arrives: odds on he'll get worse. He is abandoning you at the time you really need his support to get plastered every night. He almost certainly has an alcohol problem. Imaging trying to bring up a family with a man like this. Imagine having to explain to your kids night in/night out that dad isn't here because he's gone to the pub. Imagine not being able to rely on him to do drop-offs or pick-ups or do enough housework to enable you to look after the kids.

I guarantee you this is not the man you want to bring your children up with. By all means put it off while you deal with your immediate challenge. But don't put it off too long. You can have a great life without him and with your baby. Don't waste your time and energy and your child's future with this dead beat.