It was only casual, so why do I feel sad?

[Flairhead]

I broke up with my husband at the end of October, we had been long term, over 12 years at that point, three years married. We continued to live together, but became more like housemates, separate rooms etc. No kids.

Just before Christmas, I ended up kissing a guy from work in a nightclub following the work party. It was still early days after the break up, so it didn't go any further than that, though I think he'd have liked it to. I explained the whole situation to him and he was absolutely fine.

I didn't see much of him for a few months, but then at the end of March he sent me a game request on Facebook, I started playing and from there we started chatting on messenger. One thing led to another, the conversation got quite flirtatious and (don't judge) we ended up exchanging naked photos. We ended up meeting the following weekend and had sex.

A couple of weeks after that we had sex again, but he's been working away a lot so since then it's only been sessions of exchanging photos. I guess you could call it a FWB situation, even though we only ever had sex twice.

Anyway, over the last few weeks me and my husband have been talking, there are still feelings there and we've been together a long time, so it looks likely we're going to give things another try. So last night I went round to FWB's to tell him things were going to have to stop. I know it wasn't exactly the same as an actual relationship but I thought it was the right thing to do, to tell him what was happening before he found out from anyone else through the grapevine.

He was absolutely fine with it. Just said OK and that it had been very casual anyway so it was fine.

Now I know that neither of us were looking for any more than just fun, and obviously I'm glad he's not heartbroken or anything, but to just say OK and then that's it? Whereas me, I'm feeling a bit sad about it. This guy was only the second person I'd slept with (he knew this) plus everything that happened made me feel good about myself and boosted my confidence a bit. I guess I'm just feeling a bit down that that's ended now. But there's no hard feelings and I'll still chat to him if I see him around work, on nights out etc.

Is it normal to feel sad after the end of a casual thing, even though I'm the one that ended it?

How can you "work through" not being attracted to your husband?!

To be honest I'm not 100% sure imsconequeen but I was doing fine for long enough before we split, I guess I'll just have to see how it goes. We're going to work on getting physical again and take it from there, see what happens.

But you weren't doing fine if you split.

Honestly, I have changed my opinion a bit. I think you are sad, not just because he let you go so easy, but because somewhere inside of you there is a part of you that knows this it's not going to work with your dh.

I'm not really sure what to add. I don't really get your post. It kind of makes your marriage a bit of a joke ! None of the reasons you're getting back together seem right to me nor does the fact that you were having sex with someone else......you can't have had such strong feelings for your "ex" husband then
I'm obviously boring and traditional though !

I know. The whole thing was a strange situation for me and not what I'd ever have seen myself doing. But after I'd had time to get used to the idea after what happened at Christmas it felt kind of like "why not?".

I'm not sure how optimistic either me or DH are really. I think we'd both like us to work out, but if I can't get past the attraction issue then that's a problem. I won't know until I try though.

With regards to FWB I have a couple going. I know the score and so do they. If one came to me and said they'd met someone, trying again etc if genuinely wish them well but be a tiny bit gutted and sad that it had ended. But knowing the status of our "relationship" would mean I wouldn't have a choice in doing anything else. Let's be real to have a FWB scenario you have to at least like the person on some level.

With regards to your marriage. I tried again, and I didn't fancy my H. But felt I should as we had a young daughter. It didn't work, at all. I couldn't make it come back. I was a similar age (18) when we got together and was with him for 16 years. We'd grown apart and actually I'm 18 months down the line and loving my life even if it's a bit lonely at times. I get the need to give it a final try, but don't flog a dead horse. Life really is too short.

Can you make yourself fancy someone again?

You sound lovely OP, and thoughtful, but I dont know how your marriage can work without sexual attraction, especially since you've subsequently had it with another party (whom you're now posting about, so clearly there's still a spark of feeling). At 31, and childless, I honestly don't know why you're flogging this potentially dead horse. Sorry to be so blunt but I'm 15 years older than you and I've been in a platonic marriage - it wasn't miserable (far from it, my ex was a nice man and a good laugh) but it wasn't fulfilling either and I regret wasting my thirties on it.

Does your husband know about your fwb?

No, he doesn't know and I won't be telling him. It wouldn't be at all helpful.

OP, why do you want to get back with your husband?

That's not to sound judgmental.

But I don't get it. You don't fancy him. You are sad you ended it with someone you do fancy. Counselling took as far as it could and it hasn't really helped. You will be now hiding the fact that you have had sex with someone else. If it ever came out, can you imagine how crushing that would be to your dh. His wife doesn't fancy him but had no problem shagging someone else.

It really doesn't sound like you actually want to be with your dh. So why are you doing this?

I do love my husband, but I'm not sure I'm in love with him. Like a PP's ex, he's a great guy, clever, good company and I'm sure would be a great dad. The attraction thing is the only problem.

I guess there's also a feeling that I don't particularly want to have had a failed marriage, but then no one does I suppose. I think I would just need to know that I've tried everything before saying enough is enough, and I'm not sure I'm there yet.

He sounds like a great friend. But a friend all the same.

I don't think a marriage is 'failed' because it ends. I am divorcing now and know that feeling though.

Does he know you love him but not in love with him?

It's ok saying you need to know you have tried everything. But dragging it out is going to cause more hurt and pain in the long run.

He does know that, yes. And I hated having to say that to him. He does want us to have sexual relationship if we stay together, but accepts that I may not want that with him, in which case that would be it. Honestly, I don't think I do want that, but I feel like I have to at least try.

OP - I don’t know how to say it in any other way - but you both are making a mistake.
You are both too too young for settling because you’ve been together for a long time and haven’t really explored others partners.

Even if the attraction is there - not many relationships that start in teenage years survive into old age.
Not these days, anyway.

You are friends now. Attraction can’t be ‘worked on’.
Please don’t force yourself to do anything you don’t want to. Getting physical with anyone - without actual attraction - how does it work????
There are other men who can be great fathers to your children.

Don’t waste yours and his time.

We did a bit of kissing the other night. All I could think about was my FWB. I know this isn't good.

DH is five years older than me so wasn't a teenager when we got together, but he has no experience of other relationships. It had only ever been each other.

It's our wedding anniversary tomorrow. He's been amazing about not pushing me, only going as far as I want to etc. But it can't carry on much longer with not going any further. I hate this. I don't particularly want to have sex with him but I don't want to end my marriage either.

What you are doing to him is not fair.

You know it's not going to work. It's not even like you think there is a good chance. You are giving him false hope

I'm not sure that either of us are that optimistic to be honest. We did try getting a bit more physical the other night and it felt like I wanted sex, but not with him. It was more that he was there and the stimulation was what got me going, rather than it being him. Sorry if TMI.

I don't think either of us are quite ready to pull the plug but the way things are, I don't think it can be much longer. It's literally just the fact I'm not attracted to him, it feels like he's my very best friend that I live with and share a bed with.

I think I know what needs to be done, I'm just not sure I can do it yet..... :(

I totally get you Flairhead.
Give yourself some time. You will get there. Make 100% certain you can't get pregnant. Start thinking about what a future without dh looks like. Maybe talk to a friend about it.

I saw my FWB at work yesterday. Went and chatted to him for ten minutes so I know we're absolutely fine after I effectively dumped him last week.

But it brought it home to me that yes, I definitely do fancy him. I'm not sure about his feelings for me but that's not a can of worms to open right now.

I think me and DH have limped along as far as we can. There's nothing there for me in terms of attraction and more and more often I'm picturing myself in a lovely little place that's all my own. When we first broke up last year I remember feeling so free, and I was looking forward to doing exactly what I wanted. I've never lived alone and that was something I was looking forward to experiencing, total independence.

Thank you everyone for your advice. I just need to figure out how to have the conversation now and take things from there. Where am I supposed to start?

Back to your original question I think you feel sad because the fwb could have been your life raft out. If he’d been full on and fought for you you’d have felt supported in leaving your husband. But you still can, you are storing enohhh and you’re too young and unencumbered to settle.

Sorry, storing enohhh should be strong enough

My FWB said he'd never want to get in the way of me and DH potentially getting back together. We actually had the opportunity to have sex again about 6 weeks ago, but didn't because I'm still living with DH, and he said he felt weird about it because of that, but that if I did end up living by myself "we'll talk". I never expected him to fight for me or anything.

I've been thinking about things a lot today and I don't think I can do what could potentially be another 50 years like this. I just don't know how to take the next step and finally finish it. I feel really bad about it because it's not as if he's done anything wrong

@Flairhead if it's not there, it's not there. He doesn't have to have done anything wrong for you to feel this way. Whatever you had has just gone and sadly sometimes that's happens.

Just because he hasn't done anything wrong (been violent, cheated etc) is no reason for you to stay with him.

You need to realise this op x

I think I've reached the stage where I've got to bite the bullet. I haven't even put my rings on today because it just didn't feel right.

Saw FWB again earlier. Didn't speak to him or anything, it was from a distance, but a feeling that "I've done the wrong thing" kind of hit me.

I need to do the decent thing, don't I? I just keep rereading what everyone has said and it's making more and more sense. I can't keep this going, it's not fair on anyone :(