My husband doesn’t love me, does he?

[RoboticMary]

Please help if you have a wise word to spare. I feel as though I’m drowning in misery and despair.

We’ve been married six years, with 2DC. I’m convinced he doesn’t love me any more, but won’t tell me so. Either that, or he actually takes pleasure in hurting me.

• There’s no affection or intimacy, and hasn’t been for a long time. Years, really. Every six months I break down and cry, and I try to explain how how important physical affection is to me. He promises things will be different going forward and shags me out of pity. But nothing changes. It’s humiliating and hurtful - I have to practically beg him to hug or kiss me.

• He stonewalls me. We can chat about the kids and day-to-day things, but he won’t talk about our relationship problems. Sometimes the situation gets me down - I’m trying to muddle through for the kids’ sake, but when he does see me unhappy or crying (which isn’t often, perhaps once every six months) he’ll either watch me in silence or leave the room and ignore me altogether.

• He never thanks, praises or compliments me. I’m a SAHM and do everything around the house. I do a good job looking after the kids without much practical help from him. But he never has a kind word to say to me.

• He never, ever apologises, even when I’ve told him he has hurt or upset me. He can never, ever be in the wrong.

• He’s controlling with money. I have an allowance each month, and he says it’s for my personal use - haircuts, clothes and the like - but it won’t stretch to that. I don’t know what he earns and I’ve no access to his money. I use my allowance for the kids’ clothes, shoes, haircuts, medicines, food shopping, household items like bedsheets or towels - and I’m always having to ask for extra. I went shopping for some birthday presents for the DC recently and he gave me a cash handout in front of my Mum. I think he did it on purpose. I was so embarrassed.

But he won’t talk to me about any of this - surely he can’t be happy? You see, if I knew he was feeling this way, I’d do my utmost to reassure him, to show him that I love him and care about him - I would be so unhappy that he was unhappy. I love him so much, but it seems he doesn’t want any part of me. I’m just the housekeeper and mum, not a wife.

I’m missing something here, I know I am, because he’s a totally different man to the lovely man I married. But he won’t be honest with me. There’s a wall there. Maybe there’s someone else so he doesn’t much care what I think or feel? I don’t know what to do for the best any more. Whether to keep muddling through, or keep trying to talk. He doesn’t care enough to do things differently though, does he?

It's not ok to live like that. He may have someone else, or he may be an abusive controller. Either way if he won't engage in conversation, write him a letter explaining how you feel and that if a way forward can't be found that you will be leaving. Assets will be divided. Might help focus his mind. Please don't carry on indefinitely as it's soul destroying for you and unhealthy for the children to see this as a relationship model.

I'm so sorry but what you've described is a loveless relationship. I would go as far to say he is being financially and emotionally abusive.

Do you love him or do you love the man you thought he was.

Walk away. Don't stay in this relationship it's toxic. Do not teach your children this is what a relationship is. They will grow up thinking it's normal to be abused or be abusive. They learn from what they see not what you tell them and don't be under any illusion your hiding it from them.

I'm so sorry

No advice at all but just wanted to say you're totally not alone. Apart from the intimacy aspect, my OH is yours to a T! I was shocked by the points you highlighted, it's like I was reading about myself.
Sorry to hear you're going through it too 🌹🌸

No he doesn't love you. He's not worth your love anyway.
He is a financial and emotional abuser.
You should divorce the prick because this is no life for you and you deserve better.

Find a good solicitor. If you are married to him then you are entitled to at least half of everything.

Even if you split you still have to work out what to do about kids and money. So - get to a couples counsellor. If things can be worked through great. If not you can have the conversation about the practicalities and things can be kept as amicable as possible

Apart from the money issue, you could have been describing my marriage.

I hadn't felt loved, wanted or appreciated in year's. I walked on egg shells because l didn't want him to get in a mood and to not barely speak to me for the next day.

I'd get one word answers. I always felt that l was letting him down if l had to ask for help with something, for example my laptop breaking. He works in IT but would huff and puff if l needed help.

He eventually met someone else and we are currently getting divorced.

So sorry you are going through this OP.

It sounds like he sees you as an employee, not his wife

You’re asking the wrong question.

Do you love him? Because on the basis of your post o can’t understand why you’d even want to be on the same room as him

OP this sounds awful, sorry presumably you were a capable adult before you met him? Go back to being that woman. Leave him and then do your own finances, find a man who treats you well etc.

He sees you as some sort of servant/child. The man you thought you married was just for show, this is the real him. Divorce him, sorry

He sounds like he doesn't appreciate you at all. I know you say you love him but what are you getting out of the relationship?x

He sounds horrible. If you do love him it might be worth one more cards on the table conversation but I would personally call it a day as I doubt he would change.

He's financially abusive. As well as not sounding like a pleasant person to have to be around for the rest ofyour life.

2 years ago I was like you. I realised that my marriage was a sham and I cried endlessly. I'm so happy hes gone. He is a bad man. Please get rid of him. You will be so much happier.

Can you get back into some form of work asap. You need to start thinking of your future, possibly as a single parent and how that will work for you. Dont ask him, tell him you are going back to work. If he tries to prevent you doing this i suggest you leave and divorce him anyway. You have to make a stand or he will continue to walk all over you.

It is wonderful not living with my husband. Saying goodbye to him was not easy but having a failed marriage nearly destroyed me.

Is he aware of the law change on coercive control? It covers emotional and financial abuse.
He is certainly not a nice person and not worthy of your love and the work you do for him, but maybe he doesn't realise that he is actually engaging in criminal behaviour. Do you think it would make a difference to him if you made that clear to him?
I think that whatever his motivations, you should LTB; your children will be better off when their main carer is free of this situation (without question). Also remember that it is your H that has broken the relationship.
Of course, wider society allows this abuse of women, because caring work within families is unpaid and there is constant undervaluing generated (particularly about SAHMs & part time working mums), which feeds an abuser's narrative.

Go back to work pronto and leave him with the kids! Get your own money and self respect. He is treating you like the hired help, handing cash over if you ask for it.

It doesn't sound as if he loves or respects you, no.

If he refuses to open up then there's nothing else you can do.

It's not normal not to know your spouses earnings. The money you say he gives you for you is being spent on the kids so that needs to stop straight away. It's not enough.

Do you have a career you can get back to?

I’m going through a break up with a guy with a lot of the same behaviours (except the money) and he’s been unfaithful to me.

I had a conversation with a counsellor. “What do you get from this relationship?” He asked me. I was completely floored because the answer was nothing.

If you have a good answer to this question, then perhaps there’s a way to fix it. If not, get out. It will be hard but worth it in the end. Someone said on another thread there are too many women living in the shadow of rubbish men. This and the question above, gives me strength, I hope it helps you.

Have you applied for Child benefit? Part of that process might help you find out how much he earns.

There's an outside chance he's Aspergic. DH is and he was very like this when DC were tiny. It came over as really controlling. He didn't mean to be, he just didn't get how inappropriate his behaviour was. If it is that, it should work for you to be very direct and unemotional with him. Sit him down and say: 'The allowance you give isn't enough. We have to raise it. The cost of living is rising. Essentials such as clothing for the children, food etc now cost X per month. I can't afford to take reasonable care if myself out of that budget. It's wrong that I can't afford basic self care such as haircuts and clothes. I work very hard looking after our home and children. My contribution is worth a lot. It would cost X to pay outsiders to do what I do. I need X amount of money on top of what you already give me.'

I remember DH being quite shocked how much it would cost to pay someone to care for the children whiel he was at work, to pay for a cleaner and a cook, if I wasn't around. He had no idea my stay-at-home contribution was so financially valuable. All men should be made to know this stuff.

See how he responds. If he is autistic, that should sink in as logical, though he may still resist it as they hate change. But if he seems to enjoy watching you squirm or get any sort of emotional sadistic thrill out of saying no, you have a more serious problem, as he's being abusive.

What do you get out of this apart from the pleasure of washing his socks?

It is not okay for you to be his housekeeper for the rest of your life. It really isn’t okay at all. You started your marriage with the best of intentions but now have to see that you have given him every chance to change and he hasn’t.

In your position I would take copies of bills, mortgage and his salary ( please ask for tips on here how to do this if you need to. Quietly put together a picture of your finances and then get some legal advice) then ask him to leave for a trial separation and consider a divorce.

You haven’t actually anything to lose because he has given so little to the marriage for so long.

You are in an abusive relationship but it isn't your fault. You didn't cause his behaviour and therefore you can't fix it.
I know that is tough to hear but it is reality.You deserve to be treated with love.

I guess he had an abusive childhood so the only way he knows to conduct relationships is by control.
Please read "Why does he do that" and The Verbally abusive relationship, once you start to understand he is the issue you will get stronger.

Tell family and please start getting support. Not everyone will understand as they assume marriage problems are 50/50.Until you have been in an abusive relationship you can't relate to it.Phone womens aid or email for freedom meetings local to you. It will help to know you are not alone.

Abuse is not rational and that is why couple counselling won't be a good idea. Even if he went he would use it to reinforce the image you are the problem.

I was in your situation and finally got out, it is a painful journey but I am much happier away from him. I am desperately sad that Ex is incapable of loving anyone as I see the impact on the children but it is definitely healthier for me to be away from his toxicity.He is now the same with the dc, fine on a superficial level but if they have needs he reacts badly. It is likely Ex has NPD which maybe the same for your H.
It explains why you thought you married one person but another man is now your H.

I was went for extensive counselling prior to separating (as assumed I must be the issue) and she recommended an approach, which might work for emotional unavailable men but not abusive men.

She suggested I email him to say I was unhappy, would like to resolve issues etc. Then completely drop the subject for 2-3 days, just be normal, don't raise any relationship issues in that time. A man who struggles with emotions but cares will process the information and after a few days will approach you. If after a few days you have nothing from him then it is a sign to walk away. His issues are too ingrained and he will never be able to respond to you in a healthy way. It really isn't you.

One warning, don't tell him you want to leave until you have lined up information. A highly controlling man will not let you go easily so will make separation difficult so plan your exit.

he's not being fair to your children either if he isn't paying for what they need but expecting you to. I would start with talking about finances and insist they are joint and explain he isn't contributing enough to run a family home. Being giving an allowance isn't acceptable you need to know how much money you as a couple have. Try and find out what he earns / has in savings. Collect evidence you can. Try and discuss it calmly and don't bring up all the other stuff. If he won't discuss it then I would plan to leave because he will be financially abusing you for the rest of your marriage and it's going to be better for you financially to get out of it sooner so you can build your own life. Can you share stuff with your mum? Could you and the kids stay there while benefits and maintenance kick in? Find out from CAB or websites like entitled to what you could claim in benefits and tax credits if you were a single parent. Type in different calculations if for eg you got a PT job. Delete your search history after. Could your mum help with childcare while you worked? Even if you/dh own the house you can claim housing benefit until it's sold. My friend walked away from a similar situation and stayed with friends for a few weeks, got a pt job and claimed benefits and housing benefits. It meant her dh couldn't continue manipulating her over money in fact he was furious the benefits system allowed her to start over and he had to get a lodger to cover mortgage and then sell. I think where there is controlling behaviour it's better to find a way to walk away and take away the control. Is there anyone you can confide in? You might be surprised how friends and family would react and help if they knew. By giving you an inadequate allowance and no access to other money he is creating a situation where you feel trapped and have to put up with his behaviour. Why will he bother to make any changes while he holds all the cards? Even moving out temporarily with children would rebalance the control and he would have to discuss the problems in your relationship. Renting somewhere on housing benefit doesn't affect any financial claim on house as it's only awarded short term pending a sale / settlement. In your situation I would go rather than negotiate with him to go because he will just cut off your money and you will be stuck somewhere you can't afford.

Sorry haven't RTFT but just want to give you a hug this is soul destroying. Ger out and get some counselling. Though from similar experience I know this is not easy to do when you are in it

He is treating you despicably. Look into what you'd get if you were to separate and agree with starting a part time job.

When does/would he say if you suggested splitting?