Please help if you have a wise word to spare. I feel as though I’m drowning in misery and despair.
We’ve been married six years, with 2DC. I’m convinced he doesn’t love me any more, but won’t tell me so. Either that, or he actually takes pleasure in hurting me.
- There’s no affection or intimacy, and hasn’t been for a long time. Years, really. Every six months I break down and cry, and I try to explain how how important physical affection is to me. He promises things will be different going forward and shags me out of pity. But nothing changes. It’s humiliating and hurtful - I have to practically beg him to hug or kiss me.
- He stonewalls me. We can chat about the kids and day-to-day things, but he won’t talk about our relationship problems. Sometimes the situation gets me down - I’m trying to muddle through for the kids’ sake, but when he does see me unhappy or crying (which isn’t often, perhaps once every six months) he’ll either watch me in silence or leave the room and ignore me altogether.
- He never thanks, praises or compliments me. I’m a SAHM and do everything around the house. I do a good job looking after the kids without much practical help from him. But he never has a kind word to say to me.
- He never, ever apologises, even when I’ve told him he has hurt or upset me. He can never, ever be in the wrong.
- He’s controlling with money. I have an allowance each month, and he says it’s for my personal use - haircuts, clothes and the like - but it won’t stretch to that. I don’t know what he earns and I’ve no access to his money. I use my allowance for the kids’ clothes, shoes, haircuts, medicines, food shopping, household items like bedsheets or towels - and I’m always having to ask for extra. I went shopping for some birthday presents for the DC recently and he gave me a cash handout in front of my Mum. I think he did it on purpose. I was so embarrassed.
But he won’t talk to me about any of this - surely he can’t be happy? You see, if I knew he was feeling this way, I’d do my utmost to reassure him, to show him that I love him and care about him - I would be so unhappy that he was unhappy. I love him so much, but it seems he doesn’t want any part of me. I’m just the housekeeper and mum, not a wife.
I’m missing something here, I know I am, because he’s a totally different man to the lovely man I married. But he won’t be honest with me. There’s a wall there. Maybe there’s someone else so he doesn’t much care what I think or feel? I don’t know what to do for the best any more. Whether to keep muddling through, or keep trying to talk. He doesn’t care enough to do things differently though, does he?