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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can you forgive a cheater and how do you do it?

38 replies

Cardi0307 · 05/08/2018 00:27

Is it ever okay to forgive a cheater? And where would it even begin? How can you forgive that?

OP posts:
UnderTheBoat · 05/08/2018 01:46

For me it would depend a drunken kiss once would be something I could work on but a 6 month affair would be a no. It's hard if you love the person but that person must not have been happy if they strayed. I would forgive in time but the relationship would be over as the trust is gone.

How did they cheat? Hope you're okay xx

BertrandRussell · 05/08/2018 01:51

No, I couldn't. Why would you? Alone is much better.

Original poster
Cardi0307 · 05/08/2018 02:00

It was texting, a few kisses that led to sex(only once) but sexting continues.
This happened a month ago but I found out yesterday

OP posts:
Flightbite · 05/08/2018 06:10

@Cardi0307 I think the "only once" thing is part of the script.

RabbitsAreTasty · 05/08/2018 06:24

Only once. Yeah right. You know that how?

Is the sexting still going on?

Your post sounds like the rug has been pulled out from under your life and you are desperately trying to cling to your old reality. I guess this would be the bargaining stage of grief.

Have a look at the chumplady website to help yoi get your head around your new reality.

ComeOnGordon · 05/08/2018 06:34

I agree with the pp - a drunken kiss maybe but something that involved planning no. That person has no respect for you & everything you share together.

And I 100% agree with the pp who says it’s better to be alone - this is beyond true. Life is so much better now that I don’t have to think about what he’s up to and if he’s still cheating (Altho I am a bit worried that I’ll never live with anyone again - it’s so lovely just me and the kids).

mineisarossini · 05/08/2018 06:52

The trust has gone. The respect has gone. I suspect at some point the shock will wear off and you will consider leaving rather than having to try and forgive him.

Personally I could not live in fear of the 'next time' I would not want to be intimate with him ever again, and not sure I could look in the eye and not feel totally let down every single time. I can't give you advice on how you stay because that would be the last thing I personally would do.

Whilst you are deciding, have an STI test, get your finances in order, copies of everything, lock down your accounts and make sure you have secured some legal advice. Either way you owe it to yourself to be look after yourself now and your life needs to be protected.

Flowers for you.

Tryingagain1 · 05/08/2018 07:29

Sorry, I couldn't forgive a cheater where it wasn't a momentary lapse (e.g. quick kiss at a party). It doesn't sound like he wants forgiveness if the sexting continues Flowers

Theresnodisneyending · 05/08/2018 07:54

There are many aspects to a cheating incident. How you are as a couple. What happened. What he's told you. Who you are as a person. What he does after to reassure you for the rest of your lives together. Personally, it changes a relationship forever, and that dagger of mistrust never, even years later, goes away. You have to live with always wondering who he's been with, what he's been up to.

MinaPaws · 05/08/2018 08:02

I know it's possible because I've seen it done by a couple I'm close to. Classic story of shitty male behaviour. Affair starts after baby 2 comes along (apparently most affairs start then.) Wife found out, threatened to leave and take DC. He ended the affair, they moved away from area and started a new life. He's been faithful ever since and they are really devoted to each other. They have a very strong marriage. He wasn't the serial adulterer jerk type. He just made one serious mistake that could have cost him his family and it was a wake up call. It was horrendous for a while, but ever since - stronger than ever. It is possible. And although there are plenty of people on here who;d say it;s unforgiveable, and plenty of men who don;t deserve to be forgiven, if you both truly think you can sort it out, stay faithful and have a strong family life and loving marriage - why not? If it had happened to me, I think I'd have forgiven DH rather than be a single mother.

BeenthereandhavetheTshirt · 05/08/2018 08:03

The question is can YOU forgive a cheater ? I also imagine that you are only getting part of the story HOWEVER I do believe that social media etc makes all of this just so much more easy . It all depends on your history/length of time together/children etc etc BUT it is only a month in - this could have gone on and on ......... Imagine if this is something that started as a quick thing but then developed as they sometimes do - a year down the line he could still be at it with deeper feelings and lying to you all the time . For me it would be a no as I know what these kind of men are like . He wants more than he is currently getting from your relationship .

BeenthereandhavetheTshirt · 05/08/2018 08:04

Minapaws "If it had happened to me, I think I'd have forgiven DH rather than be a single mother."

  1. IF.............you really never know until it happens
  1. What a sad sad statement ......
sayithowitis · 05/08/2018 08:11

I haven't been in the situation, but I think I could forgive. What I would not be able to do, though, is forget. And that would be enough for me to end the relationship because I would always have the images of them together in my head. It wouldn't matter that those images would be how I imagined them to be together, they would always be there and would stop me being able to move on and trust him again.

Original poster
Cardi0307 · 05/08/2018 08:16

I want to be with him. But I’m still hurting over the situation. I know the girl as she works in the pub that is twinned with the pub I work in.
By coincidence we’ve moved a few villages over and I know that it’s chances of continuing are slim to none as she’s going back to Hungary.

I just feel so hurt by the situation and I desperately want to look at his phone so that I know.
He’s desperately trying to stay with me. I feel like I’ve been in shock, I’ve barely spoken to anyone since I found out and he’s been trying.
I’ve forgiven a cheater before and that guy cheated again. I just don’t want to make this mistake again

OP posts:
Original poster
Cardi0307 · 05/08/2018 08:17

It also stopped before I caught it

OP posts:
Chippyway · 05/08/2018 08:19

It saddens me the amount of posters that look down on those women with pity who forgive their husbands for cheating

Yes cheating is wrong and disgusting. But life happens sometimes and it’s never black and white. Who are you to judge?

If someone is willing to forgive her husband because she loves him and still feels as if the marriage could work surely that is better than being a single mother with no money ‘just because’ ?!

It’s the individuals choice.

OP - if he is willing to do whatever it takes to help you forgive him then yes I feel there’s a chance.

I honestly don’t know what I’d do in your position. If it was a one night stand then yeah I probably could forgive. But a long term affair would destroy me.

Original poster
Cardi0307 · 05/08/2018 08:22

We don’t have any children. And are not in the position to have children. We live together and it has been happily and judging by the messages it stopped when we moved in together.

Everyone keeps talking about the stages of grief? What are they? Will I be able to think clearly after them?

OP posts:
justanothermnetter1 · 05/08/2018 08:32

I did, and it wasn't the easy route however things have worked out now and we are happy but I understand it is not for everyone.

Pregnant with 2nd DH left me, slept with someone else a few times and just acted really shitty, this was for about 2 months then DC came along and he stopped. It all came out and I booked a one way ticket to stay with family and get my head straight. That evening he drove the 10 hours to follow me, begged my forgiveness and overhauled himself and really stepped up and has done ever since. Anything I asked he answered, anything I needed from he gave, for a good year I still questioned if it was the right thing, it was I guess like a grieving process. It's been 6 years now and I have no trust issues, we are in a good place and I am happy with my decision. It was difficult for a good couple of years but we made it through and in a way as cliche as it sounds are stronger for it. He did a lot of growing up! I think anyone can make a mistake, I myself have in previous relationships and I guess it's what you take away from it and how you are as a person. I think has he denied it, not been open and honest and not made an effort then I wouldn't have been able to work things out so I think really how he reacted to it all too had a big role in the outcome.

justanothermnetter1 · 05/08/2018 08:32

I did, and it wasn't the easy route however things have worked out now and we are happy but I understand it is not for everyone.

Pregnant with 2nd DH left me, slept with someone else a few times and just acted really shitty, this was for about 2 months then DC came along and he stopped. It all came out and I booked a one way ticket to stay with family and get my head straight. That evening he drove the 10 hours to follow me, begged my forgiveness and overhauled himself and really stepped up and has done ever since. Anything I asked he answered, anything I needed from he gave, for a good year I still questioned if it was the right thing, it was I guess like a grieving process. It's been 6 years now and I have no trust issues, we are in a good place and I am happy with my decision. It was difficult for a good couple of years but we made it through and in a way as cliche as it sounds are stronger for it. He did a lot of growing up! I think anyone can make a mistake, I myself have in previous relationships and I guess it's what you take away from it and how you are as a person. I think has he denied it, not been open and honest and not made an effort then I wouldn't have been able to work things out so I think really how he reacted to it all too had a big role in the outcome.

boredd · 05/08/2018 08:48

My mum forgave and is still with my dad after he cheated for 18 months. I think her decision was wrong as he was literally living another life, but I respected her decision to stay with him. They are as happier as ever but I occasionally think about the whole situation and find it really hard to trust men and scared to be in a long term relationship. The whole ordeal completely changed me as a person ( I was a teenager at the time and had to deal with my mum grieving, as she didn’t tell anyone other than me).

boredd · 05/08/2018 08:48

My mum forgave and is still with my dad after he cheated for 18 months. I think her decision was wrong as he was literally living another life, but I respected her decision to stay with him. They are as happier as ever but I occasionally think about the whole situation and find it really hard to trust men and scared to be in a long term relationship. The whole ordeal completely changed me as a person ( I was a teenager at the time and had to deal with my mum grieving, as she didn’t tell anyone other than me).

Flightbite · 05/08/2018 08:52

@Cardi0307 you sound in such pain, you don't have to make any quick decision, take you time.

Have a very unmusnetty hug.

Original poster
Cardi0307 · 05/08/2018 08:56

I am. I let him sleep in our bed tonight...just sleep.
Which is strange since it was our old bed that he done this in...
I can’t seem to get the picture of her in my bed out of my head

OP posts:
MinaPaws · 05/08/2018 08:56

@Cardi0307 without children in the mix, I'd walk away. No need to stay.

scrabbled01 · 05/08/2018 09:08

With no children involved I would definitely walk away. I can see that having children changes things but with no ties why put yourself through the stress?

I'm also not sure if cheaters ever change and become faithful, especially if they had a full on affair. I actually believe the ability to do that without guilt is in an individuals character.

I don't think they stay faithful, I think they get better at lying.