I need to stop caring what my sister thinks of me

[SisterNotCisTerf]

I’ve come to a decision today after she humiliated me in public with a hurtful remark that I need to shut off the part of me that takes on board anything she says. She has a nasty streak and it’s wounded me far too many times to be forgiven. There are only the two of us and I’m guilty of ignoring a lot of what she says for my parents’ sake but I can’t do it anymore. She makes me feel like I’m nothing, I feel like I’m justifying my own existence in response to her comments. I will still have to see her when I’m visiting my parents so I need to be able to tune out everything she says. I need to not care that she thinks I’m nothing.

Did you call her out on her hurtful comment today, what made you say no more?.

You do not have to see your sister any longer and you do not have to ignore her hurtful remarks for your parents sake; that has made her simply behave more badly. You do not have to see your parents either if she is present. You are protecting yourself from being further abused. If you do at all see your sister then try practising the grey rock technique on her.

Where did all this start?. This dynamic between your sister and you may well go back to your childhoods and your parents have likely done their bit here to further this dysfunctional dynamic between you.

What is your parents relationship like with your sister and you these days?. Are they afraid of your sister, do they or have they put her on a pedestool?. Was there overt favouritism towards your siblings from one or other parent, was love conditional?

You'll get some posters jumping to the conclusion it's the parents' fault your sister is toxic. Not always.

Ime of my toxic sister it took a lot of therapy to get out from under my sister's nastiness - even now I find myself sometimes wanting her approval. We need to grieve what we didn't get.

Your sisters behaviour is entirely her, there is nothing of you, or truth, in it. She enjoys putting you down bcs she's sick. Or am I projecting, as so many do..

You've made a very important step, you've recognised she is toxic and you know you don't want it any more. Well done.

yes, back away and resist the urge to apologise to her for being too sensitive just to get back to fake normal.

Sit with the discomfort til it passes

No I didn’t, I barely held back the tears while I mumbled my excuses to leave. She had a friend with her and I didn’t want to cause an embarrassing scene for them. My son was with me too.

It most definitely goes back to childhood. I know it does. I’ve explored it more times than I care to remember. I’m not interested in fixing it or confronting her, she won’t acknowledge any wrong doing, ever, she changes her version of events and often makes me look like a complete fantasist. She pretends (or maybe genuinely forgets it happened?) to have never had a conversation we’ve had and I look like a total idiot when I try and remind her what was said. (My Mum is guilty of this too)

My sister never left home so although she works, she is usually there when I visit at the weekend with my children. I’ve cut our visits dramatically over the years but I sometimes rely on my mum for childcare as I’m a lone parent so I do have to go there sometimes. And occasionally it’s nice just to see my parents. The Dc enjoy going too.

Sister is a snob. She looks down on pretty much every aspect of my life. I am actually pretty proud of her, she has a pretty good job that she loves and gets to do lots of exciting travel. I had actually just enquired about a recent trip she went on that sounded amazing and she followed it up with a really cutting remark. It floored me. Firstly because it is false. And secondly, it was just so nasty. And in front of people. Why? Why do that?

I might as well say what the comment was.

She said she was off work on a 3 day weekend as it’s a bank holiday where she works. I said that I was off work on Monday too. She said “you’re off every day, you don’t have a job”. I have two part time, minimum wage jobs that I work around my DC (one that has SEN), I replied “I’ve got two PT jobs” and she said “yeah but they're not full time” and I said “it still work” and then I made my excuses and left. The friend she was with was actually her new boyfriend (although she isn’t using that word yet) that I was meeting right then for the first time. My sisters job is a well paid, full time job, but it’s seasonal. So when she isn’t at that job she isn’t working, and as she lives at home with no bills she saves her money and travels when she isn’t working.

I’m angry with myself for letting such a throwaway comment from her upset me so much. That comment won’t be giving her a moments upset. She’ll have forgotten she even said it as soon as she walked away. I need to retrain my brain not to care what she thinks of me and my life.

I repeat, her comments have nothing to do with you. Really. They arent based on truth, she is just a bully and gets off on it.

My toxic sisters version of that is a very cutting reference to me being constantly on benefits - when I had never been on benefits and worked my butt off as a single parent.

My sister is also a dreadful snob.

She won't forget the comment, she'll bask in it for quite a while.

It was a poison arrow meant to hurt. So douwbt feel bad about being upset.

I feel like we should open a bottle of something springy

My sister also always made these comments in public, at public events - so I would have 'spoilt' someone's party by saying something. Or that's how I felt.

I cut her off 10 years ago. Bliss.

Maybe her job is not so fantastic. She only works half the year. That dig was to deflect from herself. I would be quick to say you're not full time either then but I actually think your comment was more dignifiedand she made herself look a tit

Yes she always does this when there is an audience. Usually my mother and Mum will always say to just leave it as she doesn’t want any rows. And it always seems to come from a really mundane, non contraversial conversation where it feels safe to discuss. I never see the comments coming and then I feel stupid for falling into the trap of thinking I was able to have a genuine conversation with her.

She's not got much to be snobbish about really though has she - she doesn't even live independently? If she had to keep herself in her own home she wouldn't be doing all this travel - and hey, she might have to have 2 jobs.

If part-time jobs don't count I don't see why seasonal ones should.

It may well be that your sister and mother are joined at the hip; they sound scarily similar to each other. They have both certainly tried to gaslight you and that is certainly a form of abuse.

Where is your dad here; is he still in your life?.

I would also consider finding other childcare as your mother does not seem to be an emotionally healthy person to be at all around either. Not at all surprised to read that you've already cut back the number of visits made; I would further lower those. It may well be a matter of time before one or both of them make such remarks about you to your kids as well, infact with your sister that has already happened.

I would agree with Springy in that her comments are nothing to do with you or are based on any real truth. Parents can and do fuel such toxic dynamics amongst children and it certainly seems to be the case here.

She's not doing so great though !!!
She may have a job but she is not independent.
She goes on fabulous trips as she sponges off your parents - no rent , bills etc.

You need a line. One that you repeat. You need to practice it and get confident in saying it.
Something like - 'thank you for pointing that out'
Just say that. Agreeing gives her no where to go. It makes her look a little silly. If she says more just repeat the line. Nice and simple. Don't say Anything else to the remark.

Silence is amazing too. When she spouts on you say nothing. Humans hate silences. She will spout on some more. Stay silent. Look at her or don't it makes no difference. She will then start to back track. We all do it. It's almost instinctive. Try it. It's really empowering.

You are better than her. Holidays and working full time are not the measure of someone. How you treat people is.

"Usually my mother and Mum will always say to just leave it as she doesn’t want any rows".

Your mother simply enables her other daughter to behave badly towards you by not pulling her up on any of this either so condoning this.

Your sister sounds exactly like my aunt. My mum is mostly NC with her and they always visit my DGM at different times. DM does make sure her sister is invited to family stuff but aunt mostly turns it down, which is better than when she used to turn up to everything and continually insult DM/me in a fake-posh foghorn voice.

Can you arrange to meet your parents somewhere where your sister won't be present, or visit when she's away on a work trip? I suspect that getting over her rudeness will be much harder if you keep rubbing salt into the wound by seeing her.

Why? Why do that?

Because she's horrible and you're a willing participant in her 'aren't I all that' one woman show. She feeds off your upset and tears. Not making a scene was just you prioritising her and a complete stranger over yourself.

What actually is the pay off for repeatedly exposing yourself to her vitriol? I suspect that your parents are your 'reason'. There's a dysfunctional, co dependent family dynamic at play here and the problem is, you can't accept that everyone in your family has chosen a role to play.

If you don't prioritise your mh, why do think that people who obviously aren't invested in your emotional wellbeing will?

Sucking up your sister's vitriol isn't going to be a successful strategy because she's better at sucking you in, than you are at defending yourself.

You have choices, not exercising them, is a choice.

I’d have been tempted to treat her like someone in denial about memory loss

‘Oh, dear, we’ve talked about this, remember? I work at Smiths on Wednesday and Bloggs on Thursday. I KNOW it’s not your fault that you forget things‘ and whisper tothe new friend ‘so sad really‘

But in reality I think a vague ‘hmmm, i daresay you’re right‘ works well in such situations. It’s fucking obvious to all that it translates as ‘bollocks, and you know it’ but sounds suitably noncommittal

Some people have to put others down just to keep themselves afloat.

The detail of what she said is neither here nor there - you are missing the point if you consume yourself with justifying your status against hers. She is just out to wound, attack and hurt you no matter what you were doing.

1. Keep out of punching distance as much as you can (LC/NC).
2. Grey rock - give no info on your life or bother even speaking in her company - nothing for her to latch on to.
3. Have a generic stock line ready to fire back so that she is in the spotlight "what do you mean by that" / "is that what you think?"
4. Always have an exit strategy - v calmly "I am off now - think I left my iron on"

You need to ask you DM for support and to intervene with an agreed comment ("enough, stop that, thats not fair") once you give her a signal.
If she cant/wont your DM is not your friend and is complicit.

These people NEVER change. Others see it tho - so look around and eye-roll if she kicks off - but you don't want your children seeing you being bullied - if they do show them how to deal with it.

Take back the power with dignity and calm.....

The potential new boyfriend with clock the nasty trait....

Expect her to ramp it up for a bit once you go LC/NC/grey rock - she will eventually give up.

She's not got much to be snobbish about really though has she - she doesn't even live independently?

No but she has been like this as far back as I remember since at least our teens. She is younger than me but always behaved as if she was better. She was the brainy one, I was the dumb one. I always feel stupid around her.

Mum and sister are definitely cut from the same cloth. My mum wouldn’t be spiteful towards me in the same way my sister is but she doesn’t confront her. She will say things like “oh you know what she’s like” as if it’s just what we have to tolerate as family. My mum is a big part of why visits have reduced. I don’t have other childcare, my DCs father has abandoned them altogether and his mother is lovely but very poor health. which is why I do sometimes have to rely on my mum. Mostly during school holidays.

My dad doesn’t get involved. He has learned to take the path of least resistance for a quiet life. He is right because the both of them change facts and make out you’re lying so you don’t get anywhere by confronting.

My mum definitely wouldn’t intervene on my behalf. If I asked she would say “I’m not taking sides” but in reality what happens is sister will make a comment, i’ll Respond, sister will snap back about me being touchy or sensitive and my mum will say “ok, I don’t need to hear this arguing” sister will walk off muttering about not being allowed to speak in her own house.

So your DM is worse then. For an adult to have allowed/enabled/facilitated bullying of a child is hideous.

Your DF is also complicit. His personal discomfort of interjecting / doing the right thing trumps his protection of his child.

LC/NC with the lot of them. Life will be so much nicer

You are right, I know this. I have my own issues with my mum aside from this and I’ve tried to put it all behind me because she is my Mum and I suppose I feel like I should be grateful for the good things she does, she is supportive with childcare. I don’t want to sever all ties but I’m definitely reducing contact even further. I’ve had enough.

I really feel for you, I had this with my sister. Her comments were like barbs that really cut me and my mum didn't do anything either.

I have no advice I'm afraid. My mum died and I cut contact. It's been lovely.