I need to stop caring what my sister thinks of me

[SisterNotCisTerf]

I’ve come to a decision today after she humiliated me in public with a hurtful remark that I need to shut off the part of me that takes on board anything she says. She has a nasty streak and it’s wounded me far too many times to be forgiven. There are only the two of us and I’m guilty of ignoring a lot of what she says for my parents’ sake but I can’t do it anymore. She makes me feel like I’m nothing, I feel like I’m justifying my own existence in response to her comments. I will still have to see her when I’m visiting my parents so I need to be able to tune out everything she says. I need to not care that she thinks I’m nothing.

i can't help thinking that the new boyfriend may not be impressed with her nasty, snobby attitude there. You have had good advice on here. She is not better than you. You were taking an interest in her life when she made a spiteful, unnecessary remark and showed herself up. Hold your head high and go grey rock with her. Don't expose yourself to such negativity.

I’m going to have to read up on this grey rock. I have no idea what it is. Thanks everyone. I don’t feel as upset now. More resolved to set some personal boundaries. I’ve been thinking about other relationships in my life and there’s a pattern. I let people do this to me.

This is not acceptable. She’s got nothing to be snobby about. Leeching off your mother. Next time you see her and she makes a comment you need to say back “and when are you moving out and standing on your own two feet then?” She’s utterly bitchy and out of order. Time to start flexing your muscle. You are in a position of power because you control access to the grand children. You say to your mother “I’m done listening to her bitch and I don’t want it in front of my kids. Next time we come over she needs to be absent or you won’t see us” start being powerful and no nonsense. Foot down. Go to therapy for help with confidence if you need.

As tempting as that would be cawfee it would be the perfect invitation for her to lay into me about “all the benefits” I get (supposedly because I “don’t have a job”) and prove that I wasn’t standing on my own two feet. If it matters I get CB, WTC and CTC and a very small amount of housing benefit as well as my wages from both jobs. I work between 22 and 30 hours a week.

I never see the comments coming

Yes! A poison dart from absolutely nowhere!

She's SICK. You have to get that. I've recently had to have contact with this sister bcs our very old parents are becoming very frail. Guess what, these poisonous comments are winging their way on WhatsApp! (the last one was that I made our mother fall over. You couldn't make this shit up.)

If you want to feel truly sorry for me? I have TWO sisters like this

Could you see your mum at yours if you want to keep seeing her? Or drop your dc and run if your mum is doing childcare?

As for the non-commital comment mentioned by pp, I totally agree, but I’d be saying ‘Why be such a bitch every single fucking time’ but in a really bored, couldn’t really care less about her answer tone. She’ll be completely unable to respond to that. Just don’t react to her, look up grey rock, yawn in an exaggerated fashion, roll your eyes at her, say ‘Yeah, whatever, you’re obviously SOOOO superior and amazing, yes, yes’. Ooh, major passive aggression, do it! Can I come and help?! I hate people being like her, such a bitch.

I'm Nc with my sister - best decision ever!

You don't have to see her again or have anything more to do with her.

I'm also a Lp I managed without childcare from my parents millions do. To be honest I wouldn't want my DC being the next generation being indoctrinated into the dysfunction. Pay for childcare or work out a reciprocal arrangement with another mum.

I don't speak to or about (irl) mine any more. I don't go to my parents house but then I'm lc with them too. If I see my mum it's at mine or in town.

What the hell has she got to be snobby about? She's still living at home and they're supporting her! Even if she did it's an unacceptable way to behave.

Tell her you no longer wish to have any more to do with her, then block her on everything. Mine threatened to come to my home. I had texted her I wanted nothing more to do with her and why (inc her assaulting me) so I felt confident in saying if she did I would consider it harassment and contact the police. That if she forced me to do that I'd be pressing charges on the assault too. As a result she didn't turn up.

It's my 3rd time going Nc with her, the first 2 I was persuaded to give her another chance by my mother. This time was different. Partly because I was very calm and very clear that I no longer wished to have anything to do with her nor even hear about her. Partly because mum witnessed the tail end of the assault. So could no longer deny to herself that my sisters treatment of me was excessively bad. Prior to that she was all "we'll all siblings fall out sometimes".

Mine has made similar digs. In all honesty I believe she has very low self esteem thus feeling the need to put others down. She does it with others too - it's why she's no real friends or a relationship either.

Pps are right though - what the digs are about, even the reasons are irrelevant, the point is she wants to hurt you. It's not even indifference. So don't give her the opportunity. People like this don't change.

It sounds like she is at least your mothers golden child if not your fathers too. Have you read up on toxic family and golden child/scapegoat scenarios? If not I'd definitely recommend you do.

"He is right because the both of them change facts and make out you’re lying" he's an enabler which means he isn't your friend either. You also need to google gas-lighting - that's what you're describing here it's a particularly nasty form of emotional abuse.

Your mother IS taking sides in not dealing with your sister - she's taking your sisters side. I've had similar conversations with my mother.

Honestly I highly recommend Nc with sister vlc with parents inc not leaving children alone with parents. People who golden child/sg their own DC tend to carry that through to grandchildren too. Mine certainly did. I think you'd find it a huge relief.

If you’re going to research the Grey Rock technique, you may as well browse around the outoftheFOG website. It’s full of insights.

Sounds like your DM provides childcare at her house? Still, I’d avoid visiting when your sister is around. Wait for her to go back to work, or out. Or meet up with with your DPs outside of the house.

Nothing is going to change your sister. But there’s no obligation for you to keep sticking around her, letting her poison drip onto you.

I’ve been no contact with my poisonous little sister for several years, it really is life-changing. I barely think of her at all, unless another relative mentions her. For the first couple of years, people tried to convince me to ‘mend this silly quarrel’ or ‘forgive and forget’. I was a broken record of ‘it’s not a quarrel, it’s a decision about the kind of people I want around my kid and myself’. Now no one bothers.

I advise you take the moral high ground, shut down contact and commentary, and go live your good life.

You’re all saying/confirming what has been rolling around in my head this evening. Thank you.

My mum is a funny one. She doesn’t really do visiting for the sake of visiting, so she wouldn’t come to mine just to see us, it would only be if she had to drop something off for example and even then she never sits down, she’ll nip in and lean against the kitchen counter for a few minutes but she always “can’t stay, have to run”. Anyway, that’s just how it will have to be. I’m not hanging around out at theirs anymore to be treated like that.

Could you meet your mum for coffee somewhere or at a park or shopping centre - away from your sister. Alternatively when she says something horrible can you laugh in her face, literally howl and tell her she has no idea while smiling.

Somehow in your mind you believe you are inferior to your sister. You feel there is something lesser about being a single mom and working part time. She has found your weak spot. But in actual fact you are streets ahead of her. You are independent and have found a way of working to enable you to support your family and be an independent woman.
She is pathetic ; firing off mean shots like that shows what an unhappy person she is . Living at your dps and sponging off them by not paying rent shows she has a very small life. Stop thinking you are the lesser one here. When she says things can you look at her in pity and think : what a horrible spiteful woman you are and be proud of the fact that you have your own life, your beautiful children and your kind heart.
She is making you feel small but in reality she is small. Hopefully her new friend found her bitterness very distasteful.