Is my DH depressed? I feel very alone and would love some advice.

[HeadleyLamarr]

I am married to a lovely man and we would like to have a baby. Unfortunately, he is experiencing erectile dysfunction so a baby isn't going to happen any time soon without divine intervention. He says he gets worried because he doesn't want to disappoint me and then psyches himself out. I am wondering whether this might be linked to depression , however.

He was made redundant early this year and really hasn't done much to find another job. I have brought it up gently with him and he broke down. He is great at putting on a brave face unless I discuss looking for jobs or sex directly. Then he will start to cry and panic. It's horrible to see him like this.

What makes it worse, I think, is the fact that he tends to drink a lot and has certainly been drinking more in the past few weeks. I have cut down so I notice it more. I feel like I have been enabling this bit I also wonder if it's a way for him to deal with a long term problem. His dad drinks a lot, too, and neither of his parents are much for talking about their feelings. I feel like he's getting more and more stuck. His job wasn't great but it was stable, and now it's gone.

He said recently he thought I deserved better. I tell him how much I love, value and fancy him all the time but he doesn't seem to believe it. I feel very alone. People think we have a perfect relationship but I am really worried about him. At the same time I want our lives to keep going. I am doing a PhD so I am both stressed and working from home and having him in the house at all times can be stifling.

I also wonder whether we'll ever have a baby, despite all the chat about it and the fact that he clearly adores children. It makes me so sad. I am on the older side -35- and I am not getting any younger. I break down - privately - when I think about it. I am worried about making it all worse

We are in the US so mental healthcare is not great but he is moving over to my health insurance which is better. He has expressed an interest in getting help, thankfully, but I know that doesn't fix things. I would love some advice from wise people who have experience with this.

I'm in the US too. I haven't had this specific situation with my husband but I'm an RN. His regular doctor can screen him for depression and treat him if necessary. He should also have a full exam and blood work to check his testosterone levels and see if his liver is okay. Does he have any coverage under COBRA from his old job? His job loss is a qualifying event to add him to your coverage immediately. He really needs some medical care.

The drinking has to stop. It's a depressant and it'll make his ED worse.

For men, their identity and self worth is usually more tied to their job than for women. The times he was between jobs were really hard on my husband too, but he just focused on finding a new one.

I know at your age you feel like the clock is ticking to have a baby, but this doesn't sound like a great time to me.

I'm sorry all of this is coming at you at once.

Thank you, that is very wise advice! If I'm honest with myself I'm hoping a baby would help fix things when that's clearly deranged.

I have brought up the drinking several times before and he agrees to cut down but then doesn't. I am hoping some medical advice might help him realise what's at stake.

I am so worried I am enabling this but I am scared I will bring the whole house of cards down if I push too much, too.

I'd have a talk with him and tell him that you as a couple have to agree on a plan on how to move forward to a better place. If you're willing to, tell him that you want to put getting pregnant on hold until things improve for him and he get back on his feet. That will take some of the pressure off of him.

I think that the idea of having a baby to support but no job is probably really scary for him. You're down to one income now, and what if something happens to your job too? Having both parents working is sort of like insurance. What are his job prospects like? Unemployment is really low right now.

The next steps are about him. I'd tell him that until he finds a new job you really need his to stop drinking. It's a waste of money and it makes him more depressed and less focused on finding work.

What's his history with drinking? Does he smoke? That can cause ED too. ED can just be stress related but a lot of the times it's medical too. Are you and he about the same age?

In the interest of full disclosure, I'm a recovering alcoholic (24 years sober) and his drinking now scares me a little.

Congratulations, @MissConductUS - you are amazing. Thank you for talking about this with me.

He's 41. He has some signs (clubbed fingers) that he had a heart problem when he was little and I do wonder about physical causes for the ED.

He used to smoke but gave up because I didn't. He has always drunk quite a lot but I think it is worse since he lost his job and I noticed he seems to want someone to drink with him.

He used to occasionally shout at me if he got very drunk, but has stopped after I said it was over if he ever did it again. So I know he can do something about it if he puts his mind to it but it'll be harder as so much of social life is built around drinking.

He doesn't drink in the day - it's more that now he'll have a beer in the evening, and then a glass of wine, and then another most nights. Or if he's been out he'll drink more when he gets home. He drinks two or three drinks in the time I have one. He buys 12 bottles of wine and they disappear without me having had much. I get worried I am overreacting because it can be worse but it feels concerning. He has put on weight, which doesn't bother me but seems to make him feel more down.

Sorry, such long posts! I really needed to say it to someone and feel like I am not making too much of it. I am preparing for a talk with him today. Luckily his health coverage will start soon so there is hopefully some concrete help available. As I write this I realise a baby is something for another time. I have PCOS so I was worrying about time running out for me but I know I need to have perspective.

Sorry, I didn't mean to sound trite saying congratulations. I didn't sleep last night my brain is custard.

You're welcome, and I am only maybe a little tiny bit amazing.

He's in the alcohol abuse stage of alcoholism. Alcoholics like me, and him too from what you say, lack an "off switch" that tells us when we've had enough and to stop. Regularly exposing your nervous system to alcohol forced chemical changes in the brain that express as addiction:

Molecular basis of alcoholism

He is probably drinking more than you know. That's why 12 bottles of wine can disappear like that and why he keeps drinking at home after drinking out, and why he can't pace his drinking. It's a progressive disease - it gets worse, not better over time.

Talk to him about it. Get him a doctors appointment. To be honest, he's not going in a good direction and you shouldn't have kids with him until this is dealt with. The only thing worse than having an alcoholic in the house is having a baby to care for at the same time.

There are lots of self assessments you or he can do on line, like this one

www.ncadd.org/get-help/take-the-test/am-i-alcoholic-self-test

but when the doctor does standard blood work his liver enzymes will show if there's a problem. Based on what you've said I'd be amazed if they're normal at this point. His doctor can give him medications that will make it easier to stop drinking if he's willing to take them.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Find an al-anon group in your area, go to a meeting and talk to the people there about what's happening and what you can do. They can give you some really good advice.

And mentally prepare yourself for the possibility that he won't stop drinking and that it's going to get worse, and have a plan for that too.

"congratulations" wasn't trite, it was very nice. . I have to run out and do some shopping but will check back in a bit.

One last thought before I head out. You have to approach this with him compassionately. Addiction is not a moral failing or character flaw, it's a medical condition that requires treatment to get better. You love him and support him, but the issue affects you both and you need to work on it together.

Honestly? To summarise -
He is an alcoholic (like pps, I know drinkers and guarantee he's drinking more than you know - and noone suddenly builds up to these amounts)
He is depressed
He is unemployed
He is not taking steps to become employed or to address his alcohol or mental health issues
You do not appear to have a working physical relationship
You do not have money for good health care

Would you recommend that your sister, or your friend, have a baby with a man in these circumstances? I cannot see how it would be fair to the baby, to him or to you, or how it could end well. If he is even ready to address his issues (and it doesn't really sound like he is, perhaps because he is relying on you as a crutch), that will take him a good few years. You didn't cause it, and can't cure it, but even standing by him while he does the work will be blimming hard. If you are in love with him and want stay and help then it's important you make that choice, and accept that this might have an impact on your ability to have children, and will definitely have an impact on any you have.
Based on my experience of unemployed alcoholics, it's a chronic condition, you've dodged a bullet and run a mile (to the sperm donation clinic if you are desperate, in the long run solo parenthood would be easier). But only you know you, know him and can decide your path now.

So he continues to do nothing whilst you still carry him and otherwise enable him. Enabling him will not help you or he and only gives you a false sense of control. Bear in mind too that alcoholism and codependency can go hand in hand; are you his codependent
partner here?.

You're also playing out the usual roles associated with such spouses as well (those of enabler, provoker and adjuster; adjuster because you continuously adjust to these crises in this marriage). Hard as it is to read I would urge you to read this as well:-

www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/68440-alcoholism-tragic-three-act-play-there-least-4-characters-1-a.html

Expressing an interest in getting help and actually going along with the program and sticking to it are two very different things. Look at actions OP, not mere words. Tears as well can be manipulative and he is wanting to avoid difficult issues like he getting a job and addressing his ED (that may be related to excessive alcohol consumption as well).

There are no guarantees here. Talking to him about his drinking is about as effective as peeing in the ocean. Unless he himself wants to properly address the root causes of his alcoholism there is nothing you can do to help him. Coercion of any sort or from you will not work. You can only help your own self; do not find programs for him. Let him do that. Alcohol programs and the like will not help him unless he chooses to fully engage and remain committed to such services.

The fact that he does not drink during the day is not necessarily a good thing either. His thoughts center around where the next drink is going to come from.

Alcoholism can also be learnt and I note his father drinks heavily too. Your H is an alcoholic and his primary relationship is with drink, not you and alcoholism is a cruel mistress. Do not bring a baby at all into this under any circumstances. I would be actually looking now to exit this marriage because his primary relationship is with alcohol and not you.

At the very least seek support for your own self and attend Al-anon meetings in your area.

It's a lot to take in. I just thought he was drinking too much - maybe it's easy to persuade yourself things aren't that bad. I don't like to think of myself as an enabler, I guess.

I had an emotionally abusive partner before him and my DH helped me regain my confidence. Has been incredibly supportive of me going back to school. I guess I am hoping we can make it work but I wonder just how realistic I am being.

Thank you both for being so honest. I feel a bit sick!

Headley, it's not a death sentence. Lots of people get treatment and support and stop drinking. But he has to recognize that it's a problem and be willing to accept help dealing with it.

Can you suggest to him that for now he volunteers for something -whether that's working in a charity shop, or driving meels on wheels, this would a) get him out of the house b) get him talking to others and c) give him something to do that might ultimately help on the getting a job front.

Ariela, it's a great idea and I have suggested it - I will continue to do so. It's certainly what I would be doing!

Please don't blame yourself as an 'enabler' - this is his choice, and chances are high he would have done the same without you. When they talk about this, it's not to shift (even more) blame to you, but on the basis that you cannot change or control his behaviour - even though we've all tried - only your own actions and responses, and that's where you can check on enabling.
Also, him being an alcoholic (which he certainly is, even if its 'only' the 12 bottlea a week that you know about), or being depressed, doesn't make him unsupportive or a bad person deep down, or different to the supportive man who helped you to further your education.
Unfortunately however addiction does lead to lies and deception and generally quite a lot of relapsing, and that's why it's not ideal for someone who is desperate for children. You aren't a bad person or an 'enabler' if you stay and you also aren't being selfish if you leave. I certainly wish that some of my close family members had left in a similar situation, its very hard to change things and very very very unfair for any children born to a non-sober addict
How much does he want to change? How much do you really want children? Assume that even if he turns things around, it would be a year or two before you could really start trying to conceive without risking bringing children into a disaster. You say money is tight, but counselling can really help provide a 'safe space' to talk through some of these things, if possible. Or in any case, Al Anon will have a lot of people who have been in your situation and can share their experiences and listen to yours. Good luck

OP, I wanted to find a good, medically sound discussion of alcohol abuse and this one from the Mayo Clinic is the best I was able to locate:

Alcohol Use Disorder Symptoms and Causes

Note the tabs at the top or the big blue button at the bottom of the page to take you to the Diagnosis and Treatment section of the article. ED is listed as a common health impact of alcohol abuse.

@MissConductUS That was a hard read, but good.

@Namechange128 You're right, thank you. It's hard to think about my part in it still.

I'm another long term recovering alcoholic, and I think it may be worth having a serious conversation with your DH when you're sure he's sober to set out your expectations and your understanding of the situation. Talking once the drinker has drunk any alcohol at all is pointless.

I'd tell him that self medicating with alcohol for depression is not only totally ineffective but it will make matters worse. And tell him I expect him to take specific steps to reduce his drinking. Make it clear that if he can't reduce his drinking that's confirmation that he's an alcoholic (which you already suspect).

I was desperate to stop drinking but hated the idea of AA. But in the end it was AA saved my life. And I stopped drinking because I loved my DH so much and I knew our marriage wouldn't survive if I kept drinking.

Being depressed post redundancy is very common and the ED often goes with it too. Your DH is at a low ebb, no doubt. You can offer loving support for all of this, but the drinking needs to stop.

AttilaTheMeerkat, you have an overly bleak view of alcoholism. Saying Talking to him about his drinking is about as effective as peeing in the ocean is only true if the alcoholic doesn't care about the person who is speaking. I tried all sorts of things to reduce or control my drinking. I didn't want to hurt those I loved and eventually I got sober because I valued my marriage more than alcohol.

Headley, it might cheer you up to hear that I stopped drinking before I had my DC. Maybe the same will be true for your DH. My DC are now young adults and have never known me drink.

Prawn that's a lovely story, thank you for sharing it. Alcoholics can and will listen if it comes from someone they love and trust and is spoken from a place of compassion. It may take quite a while to come to resolution and get help, but it's a necessary step on the journey. I second your message that alcoholics are not irredeemable.

I quit two years before meeting DH, so neither he or the kids has ever seen me drink either.

I ended up bringing up his drinking without planning to last night. We were out at a museum and talking about what we would do later and I asked if we could do something that didn't involve alcohol. I couldn't face it.

He got upset saying that I had ruined his Saturday night and that we might as well go home. So ridiculous. So I told him I was worried that his drinking was making him even more down and that there was never a good time to bring these things up.

He went very quiet and we had a lovely silent walk for a couple of hours. Later he said he is stuck in the house all week and he would go nuts if all he was allowed to do was go to the cinema on Saturday night.

So I said he doesn't have to be in the house all day and that is why people volunteer and join clubs. I pointed out it's not love if I let him go on like this. He apologised later.

His health insurance kicks in in two weeks, so he can go to the doctor and I will ask him to talk about his depression and the drinking. I am going to start going to al anon meetings for some support. Talking here has made me realise how valuable it is to talk to people with experience of this.

I am keeping in mind that apologies don't fix anything. I normally run a mile from any kind of confrontation but talking here makes me feel much stronger.

@Prawnofthepatriarchy That gives me hope, thank you for telling me that. It means a lot. Those also sound like excellent steps. I will ask him to tell me how he will control his drinking and do it with him.

When I say lovely silent walk I mean it was terrible!

Talking about concrete steps he might take to control his drinking stops him from the typical alcoholic defensiveness of accusing you of "nagging". Because you're not nagging, you're discussing his problems in an adult way. Constructively, and together. By putting it all together: his understandable depression over the redundancy (which was pretty recent), plus the ED and the drinking, it will perhaps be clearer to him that there's a pattern - and that you've observed the pattern.

If you're both lucky, this may lead to a breakthrough.

Going to Al Anon is usually good, but think critically. I once heard a woman at Al Anon trying to convince her DD to be sympathetic to the mother's new alcoholic DP, when the daft bat should have been chucking the bastard out rather than pressuring her child to put up with him.

Going to Al Anon is usually good, but think critically.

Hear hear. AA and al-anon are both peer support groups and are not professionally moderated. If what you hear there makes sense listen, if not ignore it. Take what you want and leave the rest, as they say in AA.