Is my DH depressed? I feel very alone and would love some advice.

[HeadleyLamarr]

I am married to a lovely man and we would like to have a baby. Unfortunately, he is experiencing erectile dysfunction so a baby isn't going to happen any time soon without divine intervention. He says he gets worried because he doesn't want to disappoint me and then psyches himself out. I am wondering whether this might be linked to depression , however.

He was made redundant early this year and really hasn't done much to find another job. I have brought it up gently with him and he broke down. He is great at putting on a brave face unless I discuss looking for jobs or sex directly. Then he will start to cry and panic. It's horrible to see him like this.

What makes it worse, I think, is the fact that he tends to drink a lot and has certainly been drinking more in the past few weeks. I have cut down so I notice it more. I feel like I have been enabling this bit I also wonder if it's a way for him to deal with a long term problem. His dad drinks a lot, too, and neither of his parents are much for talking about their feelings. I feel like he's getting more and more stuck. His job wasn't great but it was stable, and now it's gone.

He said recently he thought I deserved better. I tell him how much I love, value and fancy him all the time but he doesn't seem to believe it. I feel very alone. People think we have a perfect relationship but I am really worried about him. At the same time I want our lives to keep going. I am doing a PhD so I am both stressed and working from home and having him in the house at all times can be stifling.

I also wonder whether we'll ever have a baby, despite all the chat about it and the fact that he clearly adores children. It makes me so sad. I am on the older side -35- and I am not getting any younger. I break down - privately - when I think about it. I am worried about making it all worse

We are in the US so mental healthcare is not great but he is moving over to my health insurance which is better. He has expressed an interest in getting help, thankfully, but I know that doesn't fix things. I would love some advice from wise people who have experience with this.

Yikes! Did people challenge her? That sounds bonkers.

No, Headley. No one did. It was my first and only time at that meeting, so I wasn't sure if I could say anything. If someone said anything as bonkers in AA I'd expect them to be challenged. But you do get weird AA meetings occasionally.

Many years ago I knew of one Evangelical Christian secretary whose sidekicks enabled him to create a religious AA meeting. It was dreadful and completely against the ethos. Who knows how many alcoholics were put off if that was their first meeting?

Poor kid. And yes, a good reminder to stay critical. I always try to teach my students to be assertive about what they want and to think critically - the really hard thing is to do it myself.

Many years ago I knew of one Evangelical Christian secretary whose sidekicks enabled him to create a religious AA meeting.

This is specifically prohibited in the Big Book, at length and quite clearly. I'm a bit shocked tbh that no one pointed that out.

I have been to a few weird AA meetings myself, but if a group is badly run in my experience people just leave and to to other meetings. I'm lucky enough to be in an area that offers quite a few groups.

Headley I hope you're doing alright today.

I too have a wide choice of excellent meetings. The crap one I described eventually dwindled to just the secretary and two others. One of them was his wife Another worked for him. Everyone else left.

But nearly all the AA meetings I've been to have been good and quite a few have been brilliant.

That's been my experience too. AA is one of America's finest cultural exports. It's a bit miraculous what they accomplish.

He's really quiet and sad today and says he feels ashamed. I feel so bad for him.

I'd say quiet and sad is good. You want him to be taking it in, mulling it over.

It's alright. In fact it's probably a good sign in that he's facing up to the fact that his relationship to alcohol has to change. For an abusive drinker alcohol is a refuge from life's troubles. No matter how bad things get you can always retreat from life into the warm, hazy oblivion of drink. The idea of living without it is almost unimaginable and terrifying.

Shame is normal too, as long as he doesn't wallow in it and allow it to immobilize him. This is a all a big adjustment for him. And he's still also dealing with the shame of his ED and job loss.

When he's ready to talk about it all, it's important to reassure him that you still love him and that what's done is done. The important thing is to start putting things right and moving forward together.

If he's ready to try stopping drinking encourage him to find a support group to go to like AA. Also be watchful for withdrawal symptoms as the Mayo Clinical article describes. They can be dangerous in some cases. If you have any doubts take him to an urgent care center even if you have to pay out of pocket. It will be much less expensive than a hospital A&E department.

...If you have any doubts take him to an urgent care center even if you have to pay out of pocket. It will be much less expensive than a hospital A&E department.

Brings it home to me for the umpteenth time how lucky we are to have the NHS.

Wanted to join to say hi, and how are you doing op?

I don't want to say much, but I'm in a similar situation only a bit further down the line, and with a child. It's very very difficult.

I've been to two Al-Anon meetings so far and was surprised by how much it helped to vent to strangers. Have you started going?