Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

14yo Girl Messaging DH

62 replies

Mansplanation · 03/08/2018 23:01

DH works in a pub and there’s a girl who collects glasses who works with him occasionally who, as of Wednesday, has sent him 250 Facebook messages. Girl is 14.

DH showed me the messages tonight (we work opposite shifts a lot so it’s the first chance we’ve had since it started to chat) and he is very concerned that this girl has become attached to him inappropriately.

Her first message says ‘hi, you came up in my people you might know but and I recognised you. Hi!’

He said ‘hi (girls name), you ok?’

Then she says she’s cleaning her room and has loads of boxes of memorabilia from a fandom DH is into (he’s a big nerd) and proceeds to send him pages and pages and pages of photos of her collection.

DH says ‘wow that’s cool’ to a couple of things, but then once she starts sending more photos of stuff and it became evident it wasn’t just chit chat, he didn’t respond again. In all, he sent 7 messages back to her, none of which could be interpreted as anything other than being polite.

At work, he says she doesn’t really speak and they’ve not really interacted. They’ve spoken about their shared fandom a couple of times with a few other people present.

DH is a lovely guy and can and will chat to anyone (useful in the pub trade!), he’s also innocent minded and it won’t have occurred to him until now that this 14 year old could become a bit infatuated.

I trust him 100% that he’s not done anything to purposefully create this situation and he’s adamant he isn’t going to message her again so as not to encourage her.

My question is: how do we handle this? We can contact her mum and also DH’s manager at work is female, so we could potentially ask her to talk to the girl on his behalf.

I don’t think DH should talk to her directly about it as i think that could be quite damaging for her, but it’s 15 years since I was a 14 year old.

She needs to be told gently that DH can’t be her friend even though they work together but who’s the best person to do that?

Sorry that was long. Help?

OP posts:
LEMtheoriginal · 03/08/2018 23:03

What is a 14yo doing working in a pub?

YodelOdel · 03/08/2018 23:06

LEM - glass collecting, my sister did it at 14/15 you just aren't allowed behind the bar so you pass the glasses through a hatch Confused

bonfireheart · 03/08/2018 23:06

Speak to his manager. Show her the messages.
Don't speak to the mum, she might get emotional or the girl might not tell her the truth.

Chocolate123 · 03/08/2018 23:07

Why did he answer her in the first place. She's a child

BishopstonFaffing · 03/08/2018 23:08

Collecting glasses, Lem.

I think he should ignore it unless she sends anything more overt. If she does he should send her a short, unambiguous message.

HollowTalk · 03/08/2018 23:08

The manager needs to know and so do her parents. It's so completely inappropriate. If I were him I'd block her.

Poppylizzyrose · 03/08/2018 23:11

Speak to the manager, but be gentle bet it’s just a crush. I was a right flirt at 14! I pulled a guy in Greece who was 29 and went home with him. Thankfully I decided it was too late and got him to walk me home. Shudder to think of my daughter behaving way I did....

Dragongirl10 · 03/08/2018 23:11

He should block her right away, and speak to her manager who can explain it is inappropriate to her.

Original poster
Mansplanation · 03/08/2018 23:22

He messaged her back because she was at work at the time and he was at home, and because he’s got the keys and some other responsibilities he thought possibly she was messaging him about that, hence the ‘you ok?’. All the other messages from him (I’ve seen the whole thing) are short, polite but not friendly or matey and as soon as he clicked that she was messaging him about stuff outside work because she wants to be his friend, he stopped messaging her completely. That was Wednesday morning. Since then she’s sent 150 messsges with no reply or response of any kind from him.

OP posts:
Crunched · 03/08/2018 23:23

Why did he answer her in the first place. She's a child
Mmmm.. they know each other? They work at the same place? They share a fandom?
Oh bless her...
Sounds like you and your DH are aware of the inappropriate-ness of her messaging him. She will be mortified if the manager explains to her that she cannot expect an adult colleague to be sociable outside of work and your DH felt uncomfortable with her messages, but it does need to be said.
Unfortunately if these crushes are not nipped in the bud, the fallout can be huge.

SlothSlothSloth · 03/08/2018 23:24

I was a right flirt at 14! I pulled a guy in Greece who was 29 and went home with him.

WTF

SlothSlothSloth · 03/08/2018 23:26

I feel so sorry for this girl. I was a shy teen who easily became obsessed with boys/men too and I would be mortified if it was ever directly addressed. I don’t know what to suggest... but logging it with the manager might make sense, as a protection against any accusations of impropriety. I wouldn’t necessarily ask the manager to taking to her about it, though.

PositivelyPERF · 03/08/2018 23:27

Shudder to think of my daughter behaving way I did

I shudder to think that the people that took you on holiday with didn’t know where you were!

Poppylizzyrose · 03/08/2018 23:29

Yep...no need to wtf though we’ve all had past, I find it’s best to be grown up about it and frank. Something does need to be said because she’s lucky he’s not taking advantage, if it was someone else she could get herself into a bad situation. I was a very promiscuous 14 year old, I hadn’t had a bad past or abuse, I just was surging with hormones and urges. I was very lucky no one took advantage of me.

Original poster
Mansplanation · 03/08/2018 23:31

Yep, DH is totally oblivious to any kind of flirting (he gets flirted with a lot behind the bar when he’s on shift), so he was a bit slow picking up on this but he’s no extremely uncomfortable as you can imagine.

I think I agree, manager is the way forward but it really needs to be gentle, she’s quite introverted (I’ve met her once) and I think anything heavy handed would really hurt her confidence. She needs to understand that by trying to establish friendships with adult men, she’s putting herself at risk. It’s almost lucky she’s chosen DH and not a random customer from the pub.

I’ve said for a while I think the glass collectors should be 16 and older and this is why, it’s not an environment for a young teenager, the bar staff can’t be expected to babysit them.

OP posts:
Bimgy85 · 03/08/2018 23:32

@Poppylizzyrose absolutely know where you're coming from, I was this girl too, and I can almost picture myself in the 14 yo shoes, she's probably thinking of him every night Grin

In all seriousness, the girl will be very embarrassed if anyone says anything I'm sure. Maybe get him to block her and say he's deleted his Facebook?

titchy · 03/08/2018 23:33

Can he not just text her saying 'Hi xx. It's really inappropriate you txting me. Please no more.'

saz24 · 03/08/2018 23:37

I would speak to the manager and let her know and then get him to block her since she's 14 you know how things get easily twisted these days

Cricrichan · 03/08/2018 23:37

I was totally in love with a 40 year old at 15 too.

I don't know what to suggest but yes, maybe speak to her mum.

Poppylizzyrose · 03/08/2018 23:38

Bimgy I was kissing a teddy bear and pretending it was a handsome married man I’d seen at the pub with my parents for a meal. He always gave me a lovely smile, I saw him tonight actually, he’s a silver fox we have a right old flirt now I’m old lol. Obviously never told him about my crush! 🙈

Original poster
Mansplanation · 03/08/2018 23:39

She’ll be mortified, but it can’t carry on. He’s muted her conversation yesterday because his phone was vibrating every minute. The messages didn’t stop until 1am either and started again at 7am.

He’s just this minute blocked her. He doesn’t have her as a friend on Facebook, she’s sent him a request but he hasn’t accepted it.

Bloody nightmare! Bless him, he’s really worried now that if he ignores her she’ll make a false accusation Sad

I’ve reassured him she wont do this, and to make sure at work he’s never alone with her and there’s always other people around just in case. He’s honestly the loveliest bloke, it’s a really shit situation Sad

OP posts:
Fabricwitch · 03/08/2018 23:41

Are you sure it's a crush? Do you know about her home life, she could be trying to fill a father figure gap? It doesn't really matter her motive, if your DH doesn't want to talk to her he doesn't have to. I'd say just ignore it and if anything else happens let the bar manager know.

Poppylizzyrose · 03/08/2018 23:41

Sounds a very stressful situation in all seriousness. Please make sure he keeps all the messages and takes screen shots, to protect himself x

saz24 · 03/08/2018 23:41

Thats why he needs to speak to his manager asap and show the messages incase she does do this (hopefully she wont) but just to back himself up

Original poster
Mansplanation · 03/08/2018 23:42

titchy I worry though that if he says that to her, she’ll ask why it’s inappropriate and if he says ‘because you’re 14 and I’m a 30 year old married man’, she might take that to mean he’s interested in her and it’s circumstances keeping them apart. That can be a powerful thing and I worry it will make things worse.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread