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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

14yo Girl Messaging DH

62 replies

Mansplanation · 03/08/2018 23:01

DH works in a pub and there’s a girl who collects glasses who works with him occasionally who, as of Wednesday, has sent him 250 Facebook messages. Girl is 14.

DH showed me the messages tonight (we work opposite shifts a lot so it’s the first chance we’ve had since it started to chat) and he is very concerned that this girl has become attached to him inappropriately.

Her first message says ‘hi, you came up in my people you might know but and I recognised you. Hi!’

He said ‘hi (girls name), you ok?’

Then she says she’s cleaning her room and has loads of boxes of memorabilia from a fandom DH is into (he’s a big nerd) and proceeds to send him pages and pages and pages of photos of her collection.

DH says ‘wow that’s cool’ to a couple of things, but then once she starts sending more photos of stuff and it became evident it wasn’t just chit chat, he didn’t respond again. In all, he sent 7 messages back to her, none of which could be interpreted as anything other than being polite.

At work, he says she doesn’t really speak and they’ve not really interacted. They’ve spoken about their shared fandom a couple of times with a few other people present.

DH is a lovely guy and can and will chat to anyone (useful in the pub trade!), he’s also innocent minded and it won’t have occurred to him until now that this 14 year old could become a bit infatuated.

I trust him 100% that he’s not done anything to purposefully create this situation and he’s adamant he isn’t going to message her again so as not to encourage her.

My question is: how do we handle this? We can contact her mum and also DH’s manager at work is female, so we could potentially ask her to talk to the girl on his behalf.

I don’t think DH should talk to her directly about it as i think that could be quite damaging for her, but it’s 15 years since I was a 14 year old.

She needs to be told gently that DH can’t be her friend even though they work together but who’s the best person to do that?

Sorry that was long. Help?

OP posts:
Poppylizzyrose · 03/08/2018 23:42

Saz24 is right, end of that day he can tell manager confidentially. He has himself to think of too

raisinsarenottheonlyfruit · 03/08/2018 23:43

He needs to send a text message asking her to stop texting him. So it's on record - in case someone else (e.g. parents) get involved and say he was encouraging it.

Something like "Thank you for all your texts. I'm not sure why you sent them, but it's time for them to stop now. Please don't send me any more texts"

Also - I think he - or the manager - needs to have a word with her mother. She really needs to know her daughter is doing this. The next man she does it to may not be as nice as your DH.

Scrolblewomp · 03/08/2018 23:44

That's a lot of messages with little reply, could she possibly be lacking the ability to read social cues?

Original poster
Mansplanation · 03/08/2018 23:45

I don’t know her home situation but I don’t think it matters. Whether she’s contacting him to strike up a friendship or a relationship, it’s still inappropriate.

I agree, DH needs to speak to his manager tomorrow and just clue her in. I think then he sees if she stops messaging and if not, manager needs to say something.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mansplanation · 03/08/2018 23:48

Scrol oh she definitely isnt picking up on social cues. She’s messaging him over and over. Picture of memorabilia, explanation of what it is, how much it cost etc then question to DH. DH doesn’t answer, 10 minutes later, she mentions something that happened at work. 5 mins later, new bit of memorabilia she ‘found’, explanation, question, no reply, 5 mins, repeat.

OP posts:
Bimgy85 · 03/08/2018 23:49

@Poppylizzyrose oh my god poppy!! Grin literally same as myself, I used to go on holidays with my parents and stare at other people's dads and fantasize about them Hmm looking back I'm like wtf!

Original poster
Mansplanation · 03/08/2018 23:51

Comforting to know this isn’t unusual, could it just blow over?

OP posts:
prettygreywalls · 03/08/2018 23:55

Can you go in when he's next on shift for a drink and be introduced as his WIFE ? Making it obvious he's not available ?

Notquitegrownup2 · 03/08/2018 23:59

"Thank you for all your texts/messages. I'm not sure why you sent them, but it's time for them to stop now. Please don't send me any more texts/messages"

This. Keep it simple. A word to the manager too to let him/her know what has happened - 250 messages is a serious amount! - but keep it light at first. She may just need putting straight. If she doesn't then stop, then time for a much bigger chat with the manager.

Fantasising is part of teenage, part of exploring who you are, who you would like to be. Social media has made it easier to be an initiator, rather than just sitting around daydreaming, but she is probably still just in a fantasy bubble, which your dh should pop now, before it gets any bigger!

SlothSlothSloth · 03/08/2018 23:59

Poppy i wasn’t making a judgement on your “past”. I was WTFing at a 29-year-old man going home with a 14-year-old and you framing it as a naughty, “flirty” thing you did. 14-year-olds are children. A 29-year-old man who would go home with one is a predator and a criminal. I’m sure you realise this, but the tone of your comment disturbed me.

SandyY2K · 04/08/2018 01:29

I agree he should tell his manager about it and him blocking her. Then leave it at that.

I presume she came up in people she might know due to mutual friends? Or they have exchanged telephone numbers or email addresses.

If its none of the above... then I think she went looking for your DH on FB.

I have a DD15 and she'd know this was inappropriate behaviour and not do it. It's worrying that this girl isn't aware.

ASimpleLampoon · 04/08/2018 02:34

This could actually be innocent on the part of the girl too.

I am autistic and at 14 I was sometimes more comfortable talking to grown ups than people my own age.

I liked nerdy adults who shared my very niche special interests.

A father of a friend of mine liked a particular genre of music I did, and had a massive collection of vinyls. If I called for my friend and she wasn't in, I would sometimes talk to her dad for a long time about music. I had no filter and no sense of how long I was talking and probably would not of noticed if he was bored! There was never anything untoward, I didn't fancy him or have a crush, her mum or her gran were always there, we were never alone. I look back and am embarrassed to think that maybe anyone thought this was a crush, but I can see now that's what they probably thought! :D

I think you and your DH are handling it very well, however, this is a work thing and I do think he should tell his manager to make sure he covers himself, though.

I'd be very careful in what is said to the girl, not to embarass her. She's not done anything wrong, since she is a minor. The responsability in this situation is entirely on the adults, which thankfully your DH and yourself are taking on.

raisinsarenottheonlyfruit · 04/08/2018 03:40

The responsability in this situation is entirely on the adults, which thankfully your DH and yourself are taking on

Yes, this.

We are looking at her actions with adults eyes. She is only 14, and some 14 year olds are still pretty immature.

I still reckon send the ""Thank you for all your texts/messages... " message and have a word with the manager - and the mum if you can.

raisinsarenottheonlyfruit · 04/08/2018 03:44

could it just blow over? yes, maybe, and maybe not.

Waiting and hoping it blows over isn't a good course of action though as you're less in control of the outcome.

The right thing to do is:

  • make it clear to the girl it needs to stop
  • make sure there is written evidence (e.g. text) that your DH told her to stop
  • talk to the manager - both to cover your DH's back but also for safeguarding reasons for the girl. Ask he manager to let her parents know, as she needs to know it is not appropriate to text older men she hardly knows like this
Scrolblewomp · 04/08/2018 07:22

Are you sure she is NT? For instance I have a lovely work colleague with autism, he would happily send you a thousand messages about his hobby if you mention in passing you once were interested in it and he would find it hard to read the cues that whilst you did like X, you do not need 15,000 messages about it. Could this be the case here? It may be wise to tread carefully.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 04/08/2018 07:38

Can you go in when he's next on shift for a drink and be introduced as his WIFE ? Making it obvious he's not available ?

I would do this, be close and loving and she might back off. Talk to the manager too. If she doesn't know or has only seen you a couple of times she might back off when she realises that he is unavailable.

ourkidmolly · 04/08/2018 07:47

14 is too young to be working in a pub. That's why you end up with this situation, children being exposed to an adult world and these are the consequences. Who would allow their child to work in a pub with loads of drink people? In this day and age? Alright in 1983. We know better now.

releasethehounds · 04/08/2018 07:59

Watching this thread with interest as I'm in a similar position. I work in FE and a student has been emailing my work account with (very detailed) declarations of love etc. Ridiculous as he is 19 and I'm MUCH older, but we had a good working relationship where I was helping him both academically and with his low confidence, which he has misinterpreted.

His email has disturbed me so I have informed my manager at work and have also been advised by the head of safeguarding to respond to his email in clear, unambiguous terms that he should not attempt to communicate with me further. I'm worried about being so harsh as I don't want to hurt this student, but I was informed that at any time in the future, he could state that our 'relationship' began 2 years ago when he was 17 which potentially makes me a "sexual predator". I know I have to send the email but it hurts me to do it, but I have to think about my professional reputation.

I can empathise with your DH; this whole situation has started to affect my life and has upset me more that I could have imagined.

Original poster
Mansplanation · 04/08/2018 08:29

I wouldn’t know if she’s NT or not, I’ve only met her once and at that point I didn’t pick up on anything, I don’t know whether I would though?

DH is going to have a quick word with his manager today.

I’m leaning more towards her wanting a friendship with DH rather than it being a crush. She’s working at the pub most evenings during the summer holidays and has asked for DH’s shift pattern a couple of times. She can choose when she wants to work so I think she’s trying to get to know DH so that she can be in work when he’s on shift and they’ll have something to talk about.

I 100% agree she’s too young to be working in the pub, especially since she’s working with a group of adults who are usually busy and don’t have time to babysit her. If she got talking to a customer who was predatory the bar staff wouldn’t always clock it before it was too late.

OP posts:
Chocolate123 · 04/08/2018 08:52

I think he's right telling management and no more responding on Facebook.
Tell him to make sure he's not left alone with her. I think it's a crush

Sharpandshineyteeth · 04/08/2018 09:02

Glad he is talking to the manager but also agree a quick text/message is in order to tell her to stop. Then it’s all on record.

28holid · 04/08/2018 09:11

I would t go to the manager. They are exploiting the child as it is.

14 year olds are not allowed to work evenings or in pubs.

I would get some proper advice as this situation has the potential to explode:

28holid · 04/08/2018 09:11
  • would not go to the manager.....
PeppermintPasty · 04/08/2018 09:16

And I wouldn't overdo it either. I wouldn't pointedly go into his work and go on about being married and be lovey dovey! If it is a crush, she'll have an opportunity to put colour on it, to look at you and fantasise that he's not really happy, that you're forcing yourself on him blah blah, 14 yo girls have a limitless imagination.
Just chill and let his manager deal with it.

something2say · 04/08/2018 09:21

I think it's a sad state of affairs isn't it. We were all that kid once and sadly there are a lot of predatory people out there. Poor little lass needs a safe person to practice conversation and social skills on. BUT I do get how difficult this is.

I was working in the welfare tent at a festival not so long ago and another worker had her 12 year old son there who appeared to take a shine to me, asking a lot of questions and showing a lot of interest in what I was doing, who I was etc. At one point, he decided to put his sleeping bag down next to me and go to sleep and he put his feet on my chair legs while he slept. When he woke up I moved to a cooler spot and he followed, by which point I'm thinking why is a 12 year old lad wanting to sit next to a 43 year old woman like this??!! So I taught him cards. I figured he was old enough to want to branch out in his social interactions so ok, let's interact and I'll teach you some stuff and answer your questions. It was ok and his mum could see us and we made noise laughing playing together. But I felt a bit funny about it as it's a responsibility isn't it.

It's a shame people can't be trusted because teenagers can get a lot from safe interaction with adults other than family members. It can be so helpful for them. I wish Id had safe adults when I was young. But at the same time there have been gross wrongs that have gone on and we are in the middle of working through that I suppose.

Good luck op x