Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Man crying after sex?

55 replies

Whatthewhatthe · 03/08/2018 21:22

I recently reconnected with an long term ex partner after11 years. We are both going through tough divorces.

We went for dinner and drinks. We got on really well after having no contact at all for such a longtime. He ended up at my house. We had sex.
Immediately after we finished having sex, he started crying saying he has no feelings for me,

Is this a normal thing? His actions and words just don’t match. Should I try and see him again?

OP posts:

spudlike1 · 04/08/2018 11:22

He s made his feelings clear ...move on .
Be relieved that you don't have to carry / deal with his issues (shit)

velourvoyageur · 04/08/2018 11:32

If it was a woman crying after sex would you be calling her creepy?
Men are allowed to have feelings and cry. He's naked in front of her, he's vulnerable, he can ask for a little bit of understanding while he has an emotional reaction to something. Ok, he could've had the presence of mind still to keep the reason to himself, but if you're feeling close to someone then the rules don't always seem relevant. He clearly misjudged and thought you could carry him emotionally here while he acknowledged his disappointment and that was a mistake but not one to be mercilessly vilifying him for.
Little wonder we have such a problem with male depression if this is the typical reaction men get after spontaneously expressing their feelings (not a criticism of the OP btw). We avoid teaching boys how to recognise and talk about their feelings and when they try as adults, they're criticised for doing it clumsily.

I have sex with a close friend every so often and she will sometimes cry afterwards because clearly something is moving her. I hold her, I don't call her creepy and messed up.

Original poster

Whatthewhatthe · 04/08/2018 11:34

Oh no. I think I am trying to save him!
I always thought he was the ‘one that got away’ so was excited when he got back in touch and we were both single- albeit going through divorces at the same time.

I guess I really wanted things to work between us but he is clearly too messed up at this time.

OP posts:

birdsdestiny · 04/08/2018 11:37

We are not calling him creepy for crying, we are calling him out for being emotionally manipulative, what he said was horrible and the behaviour of an arse. Op, you need to run very fast.

RatRolyPoly · 04/08/2018 11:40

I'll tell you what, if you walk away and let him save himself he may yet come back around for you. But if you try and sew a silk purse out of this sow's ear with him in this messy place, it will be forever a massive painful shitshow. Let him go to sort himself out. He may WANT saving, but ultimately it's not something he'd respect you for. Give him a chance and let him go.

spudlike1 · 04/08/2018 11:40

the crying isn't the issue , it's the admitting to not ' feeling ' it . He s as disappointed as you are . but at least he 's being honest .
You are both going through tough times .
give each other a break

RatRolyPoly · 04/08/2018 11:41

No healthy relationship is based on one person save the other. Not one single one.

Tempjob · 04/08/2018 11:42

I sometimes cry after sex with my DH. I cant help it. My sadness is because our sex life is almost none existent, and i want it more. we only have sex 3-4 times a year and not intercourse.

velourvoyageur · 04/08/2018 11:49

Well, yes, you have to judge if this is too much for you or not. In this context, where one person is hoping for a relationship, I think anyone would find it too much and it would be healthiest to walk away (just no need for people to call him names that’s all!). In my case I don’t take it personally and it doesn’t take an emotional toll on me, other than the usual concern that I would feel in any friendship where someone was experiencing some extreme of emotion, but there’s no saving involved.
No one is saying you have to do this again. If you don’t want to see him cry then don’t have sex with him, you don't owe him any emotional support (and yes, he did sort of demand it simply by putting you in that situation - the proximity demands that you react to it and it's then not nice for you to refuse to give a reaction, which he should take into account, so I do sympathise). He doesn’t owe you any sex-without-crying either though.

I did find the reaction on this thread vv gendered, more overtly so than usual (fwiw I never usually complain about double standards on the Rel board).

Ariclock · 04/08/2018 11:51

I would imagine that he cried because he felt guilty after you had sex . He may still have feeling for his ex, who instigated his divorce? I definitely wouldn't sleep with him again, you deserve better op

velourvoyageur · 04/08/2018 11:52

Telling someone you don't have feelings for them in itself is not arsehole behaviour.
The timing was inconsiderate and he was thoughtless but hardly manipulative. What goal do you think he had in mind other than 'I am feeling something and I want it externally validated by having someone listen to me'?

Original poster

Whatthewhatthe · 04/08/2018 12:15

Thank you velour voyager for your perspective. You make some interesting points.
I guess we both put too much pressure on our meeting up. On the night though we got on so well, lots of chemistry and he had said he had very much missed me so his reaction after we had sex was a surprise.
He’s an emotional kind of guy and not a player in anyway - eg he’s never had a one night stand and he’s nearly fifty.
His wife instigated the divorce.He has however, been drinking a lot to the point where is family is concerned and his wife is restricting access to his children. His family do not like his ex wife at all and are fond of me so they were excited we were back I touch too.
It does seems it might just have been too overwhelming for him at this point in time.

I want to give him some space to sort himself as (perhaps stupidly) I feel there is still something there between us, but am not sure I can get over the ‘no feelings incident’

OP posts:

Slartybartfast · 04/08/2018 12:20

could you put it down to the drink talking op?

Slartybartfast · 04/08/2018 12:21

sounds like he is not in a good place op.

Scabetty · 04/08/2018 12:42

Sex too soon for him possibly.

birdsdestiny · 04/08/2018 12:50

So - he tells you he has always loved you, has sex with you then says he has no feelings for you.
He is drinking so much his wife has had had to restrict access to his children.
He is drinking so much his family is concerned.
His family tell you that they hate his ex wife and like you.
Why on earth would you bother with all that.

category12 · 04/08/2018 13:01

Telling someone you don't have feelings for them in itself is not arsehole behaviour. The timing was inconsiderate and he was thoughtless but hardly manipulative. What goal do you think he had in mind other than 'I am feeling something and I want it externally validated by having someone listen to me'?

Saying something like that to someone you've just had sex with is mean. It shows lack of empathy. Also just because a person has a feeling doesn't mean they should express it, especially to someone it's likely to hurt. OP is not there to validate or be responsible for his feelings. This is such sexist thing of making women do the emotional labour and expect us to deal with it and help him with his feelings. Man has an alcohol problem and lots of baggage, it's for him to work through, not expect OP to smile through and keep seeing after he says he feels nothing for her.

velourvoyageur · 04/08/2018 13:03

Is that the only line you read of my posts category?

category12 · 04/08/2018 13:05

Probably

sonjadog · 04/08/2018 13:08

So not only did he cry right after sex and tell you he doesn't love you after all, he also drinks so much that his family are worried and his ex is restricting access... Why exactly are you wondering about seeing this man again? Do you like a project? He might be a great guy underneath it all, but he needs to get his shit together before he is good relationship material. As it is, walk away.

another20 · 04/08/2018 13:10

He is an alcoholic.

His wife has kicked him out.

Parents probably in denial and looking to you to save him.

RUN

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 04/08/2018 13:13

Doesn’t sound like he is at all ready for a relationship. Time to knock this on the head.

Coolcool · 04/08/2018 13:17

I can’t believe posters and you op are excusing him. Telling someone you don’t have feelings for them after you have had sex is quite cruel and something people don’t do even after a regrettable drunken one night stand.

TheVanguardSix · 04/08/2018 13:18

Don’t pursue a mess.
And it’s really arrogant when we assume we can save people- as if we’re extraordinary and have that thing, that way of making troubled souls shine.

Well, you can’t polish a turd, OP. Walk away from this. He’ll tarnish you with his damage and suck you into his quagmire.

PerverseConverse · 04/08/2018 16:12

Oooh an alcoholic man-child who has restricted access to his kids and intimacy issues. What a catch.

Flip

1 2 3