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Original poster

Please get my name right. Help needed for tactful way to write to aunt.

38 replies

tallulah · 01/06/2007 11:39

Brief history: DH was going to take my surname when we married. ILs objected so we both had sep names until DD born in 1986 when DH changed his name by deed poll to Myname-Hisname.

All our legal stuff is under Myname-Hisname for all 6 of us, but for day to day life we all tend to use Myname. I was quite shocked the first time I overheard DH on the phone saying "this is Mr Myname" but for the past 17 years at work DH is known as John Myname, just as I am Anne Myname. DD hates her father's surname with a passion and when she registered for 6th form did so as Sally Myname.

(Sorry, not so brief- are you still with me?)

Most of the family on both sides have managed to cope with this and send things to us as Mr & Mrs Myname-Hisname, even the ILs. MILs sister, however, has continued to use just Hisname. TBH I'm not bothered when she sends stuff to DH under just Hisname. It's when I get things from her addressed to "Mrs Hisname" that I get wound up, and just lately there has been a lot of it. She also addresses DD as "Miss Hisname" and she is getting really annoyed about it too- as DD says, this person doesn't exist!!

I would also mention that it has taken her until this year to spell my first name right. She usually writes Ann.

Leaving aside the ins and outs of why it shouldn't annoy me, I've got to write to her for something else and I want to take the opportunity to mention the fact that I would prefer her to use our proper names. But I don't want to upset her, and the last person I wrote to took offence . Can anyone suggest some tactful wording that I could use that she can't possibly misinterpret, that says clearly that I want her to use the right names but without being rude?

OP posts:
Desiderata · 01/06/2007 11:45

There is no tactful way, tallulah.

Whilst you've every right in the world to make the decisions you made regarding surnames, there is always going to be familial fall-out. Your aunt, on this issue, is the fall-out!

I think she will take offense however you word it. It depends how tactful you want or need to be with this family member.

If it really gets your goat, you're just going to have to remind her what the family (deed-poll) name is, and that the kids get confused by any distortion of it.

PinkMartini · 01/06/2007 11:46

Wow. Sounds v complicated.
If you genuinely don't want to upset then don't write the letter and let the fact that she gets your name wrong wash over you. Does she write that often?!
People really don't like to be corrected (and in this instance she already thinks she's right anyway, due to her defiance)
A couple I know with hard to spell christian names had their personalised christmas cards with a note underneath:"please note the CORRECT spelling of our names"
They only got half as many the next year.

Stigaloid · 01/06/2007 11:48

Next time she posts something to you as Mrs Hisname have it returned to sender as 'person unknown'! She should soon get the message.....

Ladymuck · 01/06/2007 11:50

Tbh I'd leave it.If she has been spelling your name incorrectly for decades, then she is unlikely to remember what arrangements you have re surnames, especially as they have changed over the years. I would clearly sign your name in what form you want her to use. If you see her soon then I might mention that dd was a bit upset, but life is too short to get uptight aboutsomething like this. It is different if it is at work of school where you would be addressed this way daily imo.

Ladymuck · 01/06/2007 11:51

Desiderata, I was about to suggest the same re dd, until I realised that she would be 20 or 21 by now!

Desiderata · 01/06/2007 11:52

Oh, yes! Sorry tallulah - I didn't read the first paragraph too well.

Well spotted, Ladymuck

DrNortherner · 01/06/2007 11:55

What's in a name anyway? At least she is writing to you and your kids and sending you things and maintaining contact. I'd leave it tbh. It does sound like a complicated set up.

I am intrigued as to what your dh's name is for you all to hate it so much, do tell

rowan1971 · 01/06/2007 11:58

What a pain this woman is. Agree that there probably isn't a way to tell her that wouldn't offend her in some way - she obviously dislikes the choices you've made! She sounds extremely rude to me.

millie865 · 01/06/2007 12:03

Hi Tallulah- I have a similar situation, although with my aunt. DH and I kept our surnames. DD has my surname. I got a surprising amount of stick for this (including from my mother) but nothing from DH's family. His side is a blended family with lots of different surnames so probably didn't seem that big a deal to them. But my aunt still writes to me as Mrs Hisname. (not Ms myname) Even when we sent out the card to anounce DD was born which had all our names in full on it she still sent a congratulations card to me and a welcome card to DD under DH's name.

I know she knows this isn't what we are called and am assuming she is doing it for reasons of her own. I've decided to follow the 'ignore the stuff you don't like and praise the stuff you do' approach - if it works for toddlers then why not for difficult aunts?! Am now off to try it on a difficult client!

It's frustrating, but not worth using energy over

millie865 · 01/06/2007 12:04

Also just thought - a friend of mine used to get cards from her grandmother to Mr and Mrs Hisname because 'you wouldn't want the post man to think you weren't married'!! (they weren't BTW)

People do things for the oddest reasons, not always what we think

walbert · 01/06/2007 12:05

Get your daughter to write a thankyou nore for a card ort present and let her write her full name, you sensd a seperate thankyou note or whatever the bnext occasion is to write and you put your full name. If the silly old boot doesn't get the hint then, if she's married, find out what her maiden name was and start using that. If she says 'that's not my surname - i'm married now - you know it's .... whatever' you can say 'yes - irritating isn't it?!'

NKF · 01/06/2007 12:08

Does it really matter? I can see that it irritates you but it does strike me as the sort of thing it's pointless to expend energy on.

Original poster
tallulah · 01/06/2007 12:12

Thanks for the replies. I'm sure you are all right when you say it won't change her and I should just put up with it. It's just infuriating after all this time to still get this Mrs Hisname. What makes it worse is that most of the letters etc we get from her are hand-delivered via MIL so don't even need a surname on! Why can't she just write "John and Anne" on the envelope?!

(Yes DD is 21 so a bit old for some of the suggestions! )

OP posts:
Idreamofdaleks · 01/06/2007 12:20

I have similar problems as my dd has my name and not her dad's -we're not married. His family always give her their surname or double barrel it.

Don't let it phase you, what does it really matter in the scale of things?

lazyemma · 01/06/2007 12:25

Does it really matter that much? I have an aunt who persists in putting my daughter's name - Bethan - in quotation marks as if it's some kind of weirdy made-up nickname. It's slightly irritating but I can live with it. Similarly, I've only recently started taking my husband's name - for the last 3 years until B was born, I've kept my own name - and loads of people assumed I was Mrs Hisname. Didn't bother me in the slightest.

ELF1981 · 01/06/2007 12:31

My Aunt keeps pronouncing my daughters name wrong, as does my step-MIL, it is so frustrating. My DD's name is Evelyn, but they pronounce it Everlynne. I stated every time they pronounced it wrong, I'd call DD by her proper name.
Kind of worked - they now just call her Evie. Which nobody else does. Sigh!

FCH · 01/06/2007 12:32

Well, I am looking forward to all this. I have been married for a couple of years and retained my own lastname both as I was professionally established and as my initials combined with husband's name make an expletive! Despite this everything we get from his family has Mr & Mrs Hisname on it and I am not too fussed but we are now expecting our first and you would not believe the number of people (his family) whose first question concerned the potential last name of the baby, even before asking due dates etc! I am already double-barrelled so I think we will be sticking to one or the other for the babies but I am standing by for years of irritation and confusion on all sides. This surely can't be such a struggle for people these days?

TippiHedren · 01/06/2007 12:37

What about putting a return name and address on the back of the letter (like some people do as standard) Then she would see that and realise hopefully what your name is?!

Original poster
tallulah · 01/06/2007 13:17

No, don't think it would. DD was in the paper as a small baby, with full name, and they commented on it. That's why I feel it's deliberate.

Yes it does matter. To look at it from a different perspective, if you met someone and said you were called Anne and they said "I don't like that name so I think I will call you Bob instead" and continued to do so forever more, apart from feeling they were clearly doolally it would be annoying. This is the same. My name is not Mrs Hisname and never has been. End of story.

OP posts:
Original poster
tallulah · 01/06/2007 13:22

DrNortherner it's not that the name itself is particularly horrible, just quite common (not Williams but that sort of popularity), whereas my surname is quite unique and most people with the name are related to me. Hence why I wanted to keep it for me and my kids.

OP posts:
PregnantGrrrl · 01/06/2007 13:24

my dad's family all address post to me with my old name- i changed my surname to DP's more than 3 years ago in my big guesture of romance and commitment etc. It doesn't really bother me too much- i'm not even sure that all of them know my name's different now.

from your post, is this relative DP's? It's more upto him to correct her i think, if it annoys you that much.

Idreamofdaleks · 01/06/2007 13:25

If it is so important, why not call the in laws the wrong name too? Then they might get it?

I still think this is out of perspective as a problem tbh. It happens to me and dd too but there are real things that need worrying about and it might be a bit crass and irritating - but that is all as far as I am concerned! Better to relax in the sun for a bit than dwell on this kind of stuff, surely?

Lio · 01/06/2007 13:26

I'm another 'not bothered' BUT that wasn't your question, so what I would suggest is that you write whatever it is you need to write, then after you've put 'Love from Anne' at the end, also write 'by the way, we use the surname blah-blah' then a little smiley face if you think she's the sort that wouldn't object to one.

Idreamofdaleks · 01/06/2007 13:28

tallulah I posted without previewing, hope that didn't sound too harsh, I'm not meaning to add to the aggravation but I think I probably did! Sorry

BreeVanDerCamp · 01/06/2007 13:33

I could think of worse things to have to worry about TBH.

I have three aunts all with the same name, spelt differently. The only one I remember with having to think about it, is my Godmother because I receive Christmas and birthday cards from her. I can visualise her signature.

There was one classic Christmas where I could not remember whether my GodFathers wife was the same spelling as my GM's or different. I left it blank, meaning to check with my Mum. My DH thought he was helping and posted all the cards one Saturday morning.

So that year they received a card addressed.....

Dear John and ............. blank

Wishing you and Happy and Holy Christmas

with all our love

The LGJ's