Please get my name right. Help needed for tactful way to write to aunt.

[tallulah]

Brief history: DH was going to take my surname when we married. ILs objected so we both had sep names until DD born in 1986 when DH changed his name by deed poll to Myname-Hisname.

All our legal stuff is under Myname-Hisname for all 6 of us, but for day to day life we all tend to use Myname. I was quite shocked the first time I overheard DH on the phone saying "this is Mr Myname" but for the past 17 years at work DH is known as John Myname, just as I am Anne Myname. DD hates her father's surname with a passion and when she registered for 6th form did so as Sally Myname.

(Sorry, not so brief- are you still with me?)

Most of the family on both sides have managed to cope with this and send things to us as Mr & Mrs Myname-Hisname, even the ILs. MILs sister, however, has continued to use just Hisname. TBH I'm not bothered when she sends stuff to DH under just Hisname. It's when I get things from her addressed to "Mrs Hisname" that I get wound up, and just lately there has been a lot of it. She also addresses DD as "Miss Hisname" and she is getting really annoyed about it too- as DD says, this person doesn't exist!!

I would also mention that it has taken her until this year to spell my first name right. She usually writes Ann.

Leaving aside the ins and outs of why it shouldn't annoy me, I've got to write to her for something else and I want to take the opportunity to mention the fact that I would prefer her to use our proper names. But I don't want to upset her, and the last person I wrote to took offence . Can anyone suggest some tactful wording that I could use that she can't possibly misinterpret, that says clearly that I want her to use the right names but without being rude?

I have a similar thing in that I kept my maiden name when I got married and our dds have my name too. pil had a problem with it and used to address mail to ddd1's christian name, leaving the surname off altogether. In the end we 'accidentally' left some correctly addressed mail on the sofa when they visited and they commented on it, that opened up a conversation and dh talked to them about it.

tbh I don't think I'd mention it overtly, just continue to sign your correct name. If the opportunity arises in conversation make a lighthearted comment about how difficult it can be to remember the correct name after so much chopping and changing.

I think it goes with the territory once you decide to do something unusual with your name and it's not worth getting too wound up about.

Have you tried the polite-but-direct approach? In phone or by letter? 'I've noticed that you seem to be a but unsure of what surnames we use [this isn't strictly true, but better than saying 'you're doing it deliberately']. My name is Anne Myname. DH's name is Bloke Myname. Our children are called DD1 Myname and DD2 Myname. I would really appreciate it if you could use the correct names from now on, as it is something that we all feel very strongly about.'

Then, if she continues to use the wrong names, you will know for sure that she's being a super-bitch, but at least you'll have tried.

I kept my own name. Only person who insisted on Mr and Mrs dhfirstname dhlastname was my Gran. Which was fine, if it made her happy. Only she used to send me cheques addressed to Mrs dhname dhname!

If you want to mention it, I'd just drop it into the letter somewhere 'by the way, saw you'd addressed the last letter to Mrs dh, you may have forgotten that I'm actually Mrs me and dd is Miss me. Lots of love...'

How often do you see her? I'd give her one last chance when next you meet, let your DD mention/explain it as it annoys her especially. If she still doesn't get the hint, just sign her off as a dotty old lady (far more insulting than being known as a grudging cow.)

It's a generational thing too though isn't it...to feel the 'correct' way of addressing a married women is as Mrs Firstname Hisname and that any children must be Miss/Master Firstname Hisname.
Like addressing an envelope to Mrs HisInitials Hisname (so you'd be Mrs J Hisname)

Maybe she genuinely can't get a grip on all these 'new-fangled' name options?!
Maybe she can't recall your actual surname properly so fall back on your DH's surname as a safe bet.
Maybe she is making a point that she disapproves of 'odd' surname choices.
Whatever. Rise above. Let it be, but sign off as whatever you call yourself, same goes for DD etc.

I kept my maiden name too. My Dad insists on addressing my letters as Mrs DHfirstname DHsurname, which really gets on my nerves, but I think it's just that he's old fashioned and can't get his head round these new-fangled ideas.

I can relate to this! In my view family know the correct form of address very well, but they are making a point of their own and it is usually a deliberate mistake. maybe they are challenging you - subtly - to correct them. They disapprove of your strident feminist approach by doing something as daring as retaining your own name and allowing your children the benefit of it too - shock horror ! It amazes me the number of posts on MN where people complain (with justification) that they can't just live their own life and make their own benign choices without it causing a family feud.

FIL always addresses things to Mrs Hisname Initials Hisname. FIL is a regular letter writer, so I get several a things in the post a month addressed this way, even though I retained my maiden name in every way, not just work and he knows it very well. He doesn't approve of me not taking his family name. But, he made it clear several times that I am still not one of the "blood" Hisnames . Can't have it both ways!

I can live with him calling me Mrs Hisname - it happens - but what I can't live without is him not spelling my firstname correctly!!! and it is NOT a difficult name to spell - he made up his own version!

They are going to be offended, however you phrase this, as they have clearly decided that what you have done is not to their liking.

You can't do much about how they choose to act (which is ill mannered, IMO). I have always had my first name and surname spelt incorrectly and I also have ILs who insist that I now have their name, when I don't. Ultimately, there is not a lot you can do. Let them get on with it and go for the "bovvered?" approach if you can.

I used to get v. wound up about PIL abbreviating my name in a way I really don't like - full version or the abbreviation which my parents and DH use are both fine with me but they don't "like" either of those (who gave them a vote?).

But as with so many other things (like MIL leaving messages on our answerphone addressed only to DH) I am trying to stop caring.

However - to the OP - if you and/or DD are bothered, you could print/order yourselves some headed notepaper with your proper names on (try here for cheap offers on small quantities) and use that whenever you write to her?

My in-laws have always struggled with the spelling and pronunciation of my first name and I decided that the direct approach was best. Every time they got it wrong I corrected them - either in writing or on the phone - until they got the message! I think directly telling her is the only way - getting someone's name wrong is insulting (as my ILs discovered ).