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Original poster

I feel like my oh is controlling me

32 replies

smokeybaconcrisps · 03/08/2018 16:48

There's lots of other things he does but this is one that's stressing me out today.

We've just moved house and we're trying to keep it nice and tidy as it's lovely and modern and we're both quite messy people.

I had no sleep last night I'm 34 weeks pregnant now and have the worst insomnia I'd been up since 4 I came downstairs this morning made my self a slice of toast and a cuppa and just went back to bed I felt awful. He starts huffing and puffing picking the crumbs of the side from the toast.

I went to the toilet and left the toilet roll cardboard on the side as the bin was full and I wasn't going back downstairs I was going to bed he followed me up again huffing "when you've used the toilet roll put in the bin"

I understand these things can be annoying for people but he's just watching me like a hawk.

He's finally gone out now so me and ds can relax for a little bit but he is making me miserable Sad

OP posts:
Shortstuff08 · 03/08/2018 16:59

Can you elaborate on the other stuff he does?

I get that you are pregnant, but I would be a bit annoyed if me and Dp had made an agreement to be tidy and he didn't clear up crumbs and left the cardboard roll out.

It doesn't sound controlling, he sounds fed up.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/08/2018 17:02

Based on what you’ve said it’s a bit of a jump to say he’s controlling you by wanting you to both stick to the agreed tidiness. He’s asking you to clean up after yourself.

NorthernSpirit · 03/08/2018 17:03

Is there anything else he controls?

This sounds like normal behaviour to me. You’ve just moved into a house and want to keep it today. But.... you make toast and leave a mess behind you (who did you think was going to clean it up)? You use a toilet roll and can’t be bothered putting the empty tube in the bin (because it’s full)! instead you leave it in the side for someone else to pick up. Why couldn’t you empty the bin?

To be honest.... i’d be a bit annoyed. Why should someone else clean up your mess?

As I say to the kids. We don’t employ a servant so clean up your own mess.

sugarbum · 03/08/2018 17:04

I kind of see it from both sides actually. You are exhausted and feeling terrible and not really with it. Flowers
But we are in a new home too and if my DH was doing that I'd also be irritated. I am spending a lot of time trying to keep it looking as pristine as it can be and people just leaving stuff lying about gives me the rage.

Original poster
smokeybaconcrisps · 03/08/2018 17:07

I don't think he does it because he's fed up though we've only slept in this new house two nights.

Other things he does watching me on my phone coming behind me to see what I'm typing.

When I ask him for some money he says clean up first and you can have it and will start laughing. All our money is going into his account until next week so he's got total control over everything at the moment.

I just feel so stressed when he's around

OP posts:
Original poster
smokeybaconcrisps · 03/08/2018 17:08

Can I just say I didn't leave the crumbs on the side he literally had to look to find some I didn't just walk of and leave them there I knew he was watching me anyway.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 03/08/2018 17:12

I wouldn't dream of mentioning an empty loo roll on the floor a 4am - who gives a stuff anyway?

Ddog likes a loo roll to chew on

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/08/2018 17:13

The money thing is wrong so change that ASAP. In comparison to that I think you’ve picked odd examples of his behaviour to be honest.

boombamboom · 03/08/2018 17:15

Unless you provide better examples I don't see what the problem is.

I moan about those things to my DP and the kids all the time because it really pisses me off.

LunaTrap · 03/08/2018 17:16

34 weeks pregnant and not sleeping, he should be bringing you tea and toast in bed, not moaning about a few crumbs! As for the loo roll, it was a struggle for me to get up the stairs at that stage, I certainly wouldn't have gone up and down more than necessary just to put a loo roll in the bin. Why couldn't he just do it?

Original poster
smokeybaconcrisps · 03/08/2018 17:16

Maybe it's just me that's the problem then I'm just having such s hard time living with him.

The moment he leaves I feel a weight lifted of my shoulders

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/08/2018 17:16

When I ask him for some money he says clean up first and you can have it and will start laughing. All our money is going into his account until next week so he's got total control over everything at the moment.

There is much potential here for him to financially abuse you.
Why has money been going into his account until now?. He does not sound like he wants to share at all with you. I would think long and hard about your future within this relationship because there really is not one.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/08/2018 17:17

And no, its not you its him. He is the one with the attitude here.

sugarbum · 03/08/2018 17:17

ok, so your more recent examples make it seem a little more unpleasant actually. Making you do a task before he 'gives' you money is very much controlling.

LunaTrap · 03/08/2018 17:17

Just seen the post about money, that sounds very concerning to me. Was it a bad joke and he has actually given you the money, or is he still withholding it?

sugarbum · 03/08/2018 17:19

and again your most recent post suggests that your instinct is screaming that this is not right. your OP is not indicative of how it really is.

Shortstuff08 · 03/08/2018 17:21

The money thing is a huge worry. That's not ok.

Original poster
smokeybaconcrisps · 03/08/2018 17:23

Thank you Luna this is what I mean I feel like no one understands I'm sure it just comes across like I'm a lazy slob in this post but it's not the case I just feel like I'm being bullied by him.

He gave me the money in the end it was only £10 deposit to get my hair done after getting me worked up and starting an argument for no reason.

He's back now Sad

OP posts:
bastardkitty · 03/08/2018 17:23

It's not 'just you'. Please ignore posters who post in this tone Unless you provide better examples I don't see what the problem is. . Tell us what he does and why you feel that way. I believe you that something's not right here.

Original poster
smokeybaconcrisps · 03/08/2018 17:39

I closed the bank my maternity allowance was being paid into so I have a new one now but I had no access to my own money so I had to keep asking.

He shouted at ds this morning "fucking stop it" I heard it from outside so ran back quickly and grabbed ds. I just feel like he treats us like shit and talks to us how he wants.

I'm not the same person I was when I first met him I was outgoing independent made a lot of effort with my appearance I was much more vocal, so I think maybe he just thinks less of me now.

OP posts:
CarefullyDrawnMap · 03/08/2018 17:43

God almighty. Yes, I would find that controlling, to be pestered about toast crumbs. It's making my blood pressure rise just thinking about it.

Change to a new bank account quickly.

MistressDeeCee · 03/08/2018 18:09

I'm sure it just comes across like I'm a lazy slob in this post but it's not the case I just feel like I'm being bullied by him

You are being bullied by him. Almost due to give birth, knackered and not sleeping - & he's going on about petty stuff in the early hours of the morning. Why didn't he offer to get you something instead of creeping around behind you?

He does know babies aren't super tidy, doesn't he...? How are you going to manage when he's watching you like a hawk in case you drop the slightest thing? OH tends to be tidy but if he leaves something around eg glass on table then I put in sink/wash it. As he'd do for me. We don't do battle of the ego. Your man sounds like a PITA.

Blathering on about toast crumbs he's has to seek out, FFS. & speaking to your DS like that...(is he your DS dad?)

I'm petty so I'd record his shouting at you DS/and all his crabby, unattractive, old Victor Meldrew sounding complaints. Then play it back to him/whoever I liked and tell him to get to fuck out of my life.

Whatever the case don't put up with this OP. You don't have to live a life with him if he can't and won't respect you. Being a single mum is hard, but life will be so much harder with someone around you who is overbearing and intent on making life miserable. Without him, you and your DS will have peace.

Original poster
smokeybaconcrisps · 03/08/2018 18:19

I just hate him so much I wish I could leave but I can't. He isn't ds Dad but he's always been so good with him it's just like he's changed.

He's started already asking who I was on the phone to when he got back following me from room to room.

I've just had to change my password on my phone I need some kind of privacy.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/08/2018 18:36

"I just hate him so much I wish I could leave but I can't. He isn't ds Dad but he's always been so good with him it's just like he's changed."

No he has not changed, this is who he really is because the mask has now slipped. What this person showed you was an act and like many abusive men its an act that cannot be maintained.

He is also a rotten example of a stepfather to your son. Do not keep on subjecting your children or you to this person. I would also seriously consider giving your as yet unborn child your surname as well rather than his.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/08/2018 18:39

This man targeted you, I have no doubt he did that.

He saw in you something of a challenge; some abusive men do like "strong and independent" women to abuse because they want to bring them down to their base level.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships, neither of them can afford to grow up learning such damaging lessons about relationships.

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