Still friends with abuser...

[yiskasha]

Is it possible to remain friends with someone who sexually abused you?

Feeling very confused and hurt at the moment, and finding it hard to let go.

I think I need someone to just put things straight for me.

I'm really struggling.

I dont think so! Is this an ex?

And sorry that this happened to you.

Someone who can abuse you is not a person you can be friends with. I am so sorry this happened to you. Someone who can harm you in this way, is not a person you should keep in your life.

@Butterflykissess We never dated, but we were friends. He, I think, coerced me into having a sexual relationship with him. He has admitted he did things to me without my consent but he still wants to be friends. Part of me wants to continue my friendship with him too, but the other part of me feels this will never be possible. He was such an important part of my life. I feel if I lost him, I'd be losing part of me as ridiculous as it sounds. Thanks for your response.

@twicethrice you're right. I know you're right, part of me feels the exact same way. I always thought I'd know how to react if something like this happened to me. Weird how everything isn't so black and white. Thank you for your response.

No, and it is worrisome you feel this way. :(

@kalinkafoxtrot45 I agree, it really is. Wish I didn't feel this way. Thanks for your perspective.

There is no way I could be friends with someone who had abused me, sexually or otherwise. They have no respect. I really would step away if I were you.

@blueangel1 Thanks for your response. I felt like that before this happened. I can't believe how difficult it is for me. I thought I was stronger than this.

It can be weird to get your head around, I completely understand. It is confusing when it is someone you care for, who can make you laugh or actually be thoughtful and caring at times. It is at odds with what we think an abuser can be and make you second guess yourself. But I know I could never do those things to someone, so as much as he has been an important part of your life, keep remembering this, because he doesn't deserve your time or friendship.

@twicethrice thank you. I needed to hear this.

I think you can rightfully grieve the loss of what this person has meant to you, while making a firm decision in the interests of self preservation to have nothing more to do with him. Perhaps counselling would help, just to have a sounding board for your conflicted thoughts?

@kalinkafoxtrot45 thank you, this is a good suggestion. I'll look into this.

You will never be able to trust him again (and definitely shouldnt!) I would think about reporting him rather than staying friends.

@Butterflykissess this is true. I'd be too scared to report him, unfortunately. But I do need to make some moves towards cutting him out of my life completely. This is so upsetting. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Thanks for your response.

Could part of the issue be that it is easier to minimise what happened when you are still friends with him whereas if you cut him out of your life it could feel like you will need to face up to the terrible things he has done?

Dont worry about reporting it, thats understandable but please do stay away from him, horrible man.

I can understand how you feel, it’s the same as women staying with their abusive husbands or partners. So many conflicting emotions.

However, as the advice would be to someone in any abusive relationship, you need to find the strength to LTB.

@thethoughtfox this makes a lot of sense! Thanks for your insight, it gives me a lot to think about.

@Butterflykissess thank you, I will.

@Eminybob thanks for your input. I'll try my best. Looks like I have a long road ahead of me. Wish me luck!

No. I was Facebook friends with an ex from
many many years ago (when I was 16). He raped me whilst on holiday. Well, I've been told it was rape, he said at the time that's what it felt like. I was certainly coerced. AIt's caused issues in every relationship since. In the end I called him out on it asking if he remembered the event. He denied all knowledge. At that point I deleted him and haven't been in touch since. He's not someone I want any connection with. This will only damage you

@PerverseConverse I'm so sorry this happened to you, and I'm glad you've been able to move on from him. I hope I can do the same. Thank you for your response.

No. Because him coercing you into remaining "friends" is just a continuation of the abuse.

It allows him to rationalise what he did to others if they ever found out. "It can't have happened if she stayed friends with me". It would also feed into his narrative that he is a "good guy really". Except he isn't.

@AnyFucker wow... you're right. I never looked at it this way before. Thank you. I've blocked him on social media, the only place I still need to block him is on WhatsApp. He knows where I live though, so I'm worried he will come to my flat once he realises I've cut contact with him.