Married to someone with Asperger's? Support group here!

[picklemepopcorn]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
(ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong.)

More food aversions, really. And an inability to chew with his mouth closed. And mouths his food. It's hard to describe, but it's a coordination problem with his tongue. Like a baby being fed solids, his tongue tends to push forward. He can't swallow tablets easily, either.

Absolutely everything I cook gets covered in chilli by dh before he’s tried it - he distinctly prefers to cook what he eats himself, he never eats fruit and very carb heavy meals.

Lots of aversions for my ASD DH too. And he feels the need to stodge himself up with bread during every. Single. Meal. Now my DC can't understand why she can't eat bread with every meal too. But DH wont stop.
(Selfish bastard)

DH starts to pine if he hasn't had a cheese sandwich for a day. He was so happy when he found a cheese sandwich source, on our recent AI holiday.

wish the repairs / house renovation thing sounds exactly like us. At the end of a 3 month renovation DH and I had multiple screaming rows about what the builders were meant to be doing when and how. For some reason for the previous 7 weeks he'd basically taken the path of least resistance and then in the last 2 weeks started nit picking on some really minor shit, threatening to withhold the final payment on stuff. Bloody exhausting and it continues to be a theme.

We're 3/4 the way through a Grand Designs type self build (except normal size house and self doing much of the building) I don't even know where to start with the last 12m of insanity!

You both have my sympathies - you might think if you’re exacting you’d have consistent preferences and make a point to be involved at the relevant, expectations settings points and not only when it gets to the finger pointing stage!

I suppose all the stress makes the obsessing worse, which leads to more stress. I've told DH in the past that he isn't helping, he's just making it harder, and could he please stay out of it.

Little that's exactly why I'd not be able to do a massive project with my DH. Even the littlest things are like that. It's all left to me then it comes to the end of the process, around the time where money has to change hands, and he will not pick to the nth degree and refuse to pay. It's mortifying.

We were going to buy a buy-to-let flat in my hometown in case he lost his job and we needed to move back. We were abroad and I found an agent who was a friend of a friend. He helped me find places and visited. We found a brilliant one. I contacted the bank for the mortgage. Suddenly DH says no. Absolutely no way are we buying somewhere. This is despite many many MANY conversations about the process and not starting before he'd agreed, because, you know, I thought we were a team.

I admire you for getting through building somewhere!!

I've started to wonder about my choices of partner, and my parents. My mother is a narc, and I wonder if that fitted me to cope with the challenges of my relationship with DH. He is not a narc, nothing like, but some coping techniques work for both.

My mother is a narc too. I'm NC now. My childhood with her (lone parent) definitely set me up for not realising certain behaviours were not going to meet my needs, because my needs didn't count unless they were the same as hers..same as with DHs.

She was physically abusive too though, which DH isn't.

My mother has many narc traits...

Is there a pattern here???

My Sister was linked to the original of this thread. Within 3 days she had left her husband. That was about 3 weeks ago and she is slowly emerging from the numb state that she has been in for years. Not only did it confirm to her that she was not going mad or a was a bad / mad /needy / unloveable person but the overwhelming thing she was able to gleam from all of the responses was that he will never change because he literally can’t change. That was the catalyst for her.

He is undiagnosed but reading the thread it was crystal clear he has it.

It’s been hell for her. I life far from ordinary with every inch of fun drained from life.

I’m sorry to the mums of here reading this and if this hurts you in ref to your children’s future I truly am. It must be heartbreaking but I have no doubt that she has done the right thing. Nobody, not even the most judgemental person in the world could possibly believe that it is fair that she should have to stay in that situation.

I thank God for this thread and I hope she came thaw back out to who she used to be one day.

Also have a narc mother. Also NC. Also used to putting others needs before mine.

My husband is genuinely kind and helped me escape my narcissistic mother. It's a case of weighing up the difficulties and the rewards.

Vinyl, that is powerful stuff, I wish your sister well. She must be a very strong person to make it happen and make it happen so quickly.

I started the first thread (not sure how long ago without looking) and am still negotiating an exit date. I am not the person leaving.

Vinyl that's incredible. Do they have kids (I'm wondering because if the speed she got out at)?

Daft in the Eva B Mendes book she mentions that a lot of non-Aspergers partners have a difficult history, particularly childhood. I said trauma/abuse in the previous thread and I should have stated that I meant that in a wider sense, because most people relate it to childhood sexual abuse. A narc parent = emotional abuse at some level.

But there's logic too. If someone's overriding experience of love involves having their needs met by a person who listens to them, adapts to them, is physically affectionate, apologises if they hurt them and then automatically tries not to do that hurtful action again and actively meets their emotional needs, then they would be unlikely to be attracted to someone who can't do those things, no matter how loyal or sweet or unthreatening or stable or clever they were.

They do have kids. They are still in same house although she is leaning heavily on the family (we offered the support and are happy to provide it)

The divorce paperwork has been started.

As you all know- very very difficult to communicate with him so still unsure whether he will do a u turn and refuse to co opererase as at the moment he is saying he will (but with some very weird and silly terms)

She is adamant she does not want to talk or resolve anything now (marriage wise)

I believe she will go into rented within the next 3/4 months if he won’t budge. That’s not her plan atm and I hope it gets sorted quicker but I know him. He has a complete inability to negotiate or communicate effectively unless it suits him so I can’t see it being as straightforward as she hopes.

I have flickers of feeling sorry for him. I guess it’s not his fault but fuck me that was no marriage.

She was becoming so much like him. So serious and business like in all communication. No spontaneity, no laughs. Just completely going through the motions of life so solomly.

They’ve been together about 15 yrs.

To say she’s had an epiphany would not be an understatement. Her conversations are littered with the word “free” and she is resolute that there will be no going back.

I wish her so much luck. I will help her how I can and I’m looking forward to the day I see her too her head back and laugh again. Really laugh.

She is a good earner so has offered fantastic terms in the divorce that most men would snap her hand off for but it’s not as simple as that with someone with aspergers is it ☹️

Yes to her changing Vinyl, my parents (mum in particular) could see the massive change in me. I always provided the entertainment at family events just by being me but after fifteen years of marriage I was just like your sister, until I freed myself in my head and no longer care/have an emotional connection.

It's sad, isn't it. DH courted a lively, extroverted woman and then wanted me to tone down.

So much truth has come from her in the last few weeks that has left us gobsmacked. Her whole life was bent around his rules and principles of how life “should be”.

This became her normal. Nothing ever changed. It sounds as though she was living in someone else’s home. Couldn’t do this because it would piss him off, couldn’t do so and so at this time. Couldn’t disturb him if he was busy (doing nothing) couldn’t not follow the same routines every week. Just couldn’t EVERYTHING basically. He didn’t shout or act aggressively but would sulk for days on end or disengage even further. His mode of arguing was to send huge ranty emails or texts even when they were sitting in same house. Written like they were from a teacher to a pupil. They only ever spoke about things that had to be discussed. Absolutely impossible to have randomly said “what do you think about so and so in the news” or “guess what happened to me at work today” etc.

Would completely disengage from everyone. Would have been happy to stay upstairs and never emerge. Could not see the problem with never talking, playing or just wanting to be in the company of his family.

If questioned on anything he would lecture and lecture about how he was being disrespected, never dealing with the point in hand.

She said she new it wasn’t “normal” and it living hell most of the time but it became the life she new.

I mean I know loads of people are controlling to an extent but usually even a really mean person has a good side that makes you stay. Horrible 75% of the time but really funny and sweet and kind 25%. That’s how most controlling people get away with what they do.

But to me this seems like the worst deal of all. Not particularly mean or aggressive or angry but 0% of the good stuff. That would slowly kill you I’m sure.

I don't think anyone should be suggesting that Aspergers and narcissism are linked. It's untrue and it perpetuates more misinformation about autism.