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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband has been having an affair.

39 replies

HmmmmmSosad · 02/08/2018 17:06

We have been married 14 years with 4 DC and found out he's been having an affair with the same woman for the past 5 years. I was suspicious back then when I saw a few messages that suggested an emotional affair which it's bad in itself. I confronted him then but he told me they were just friends and I pleaded with him to end the friendship as although he had female friends that I was aware of, I felt uneasy about this one. I believed him but fastforward to 3 weeks ago when I found out that he never went NC with her but has been cheating all this while. She lives in another country and he's travelled a few times for a week each time. I have seen lots of emails and professing of love. When I confronted him, all I got was lies and I told him I had evidence and also that I was going to divorce him. The whole week, he pleaded twice but with no sign of remorse and I believe he thought it was just the anger. I have since been online reading about how to go about a divorce and made an appointment with a lawyer to go for some advice. It wasn't until I asked him for our marriage certificate after searching last week that I believe he realises I was been serious. Cue the telephone calls from friends and family pleading on his behalf and had to tell a few of them to back off as I'm the one whom her world has come stumbling down and it's just not that easy to forgive a 7 year affair.

OP posts:
avocadoincident · 02/08/2018 17:11

I'm so sorry this has happened. Lots of good advice will come along on here but for now, I'm sending lots of love. 💐

Original poster
HmmmmmSosad · 02/08/2018 18:23

Thanks

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 02/08/2018 18:29

It sounds like you're getting everything in the right direction. Have you engaged a solicitor?

MiddleAgeDaze · 02/08/2018 18:59

How are you holding up Sosad? You'll be in shock - do you have someone to help you for a few days? Just remember that you don't have to make any decisions right now. Perhaps ask him to move out just for a little while so that you can think about what you want to do.

When you feel up to it, start getting your ducks in a row in case you decide you want him to leave.

Alfiemoon1 · 02/08/2018 20:34

So sorry you are going through this do you have some real life support

Original poster
HmmmmmSosad · 02/08/2018 20:38

Thanks for your responses. I did ask him to move out but he was back on day three. My appointment is on Monday. Everyone keep saying to think about the kids but surely they deserve a happy mother. If I stay which is a big if, I could never trust him again or have him touch me. I have asked him questions about the affair but he refuses to answer saying he doesn't want us to break up, well he should have thought about that before cheating.

OP posts:
Ryder63 · 02/08/2018 20:44

Blimey having cake and eating it writ large! no you shouldn't stay married 'for the kids'. what he means is blind eye his other attachment. Ridiculous.

Original poster
HmmmmmSosad · 02/08/2018 20:45

Alfiemoon1, I have only told an old friend of mine and they've been supportive and been checking up on me ever since but I feel like I'm burdening them with my troubles to which I've been told I'm not.

OP posts:
troodiedoo · 02/08/2018 20:50

He didn't think about the kids when he was gallavanting about Hmm

People don't like others splitting, it upsets the status quo.

You're doing the right thing. Stay strong Flowers

blearyeyedbear · 02/08/2018 21:14

Do you have your own income or are you a SAHP? Do you have money in joint accounts? He may start to move assets or empty accounts so be aware of what assets you both have and keep copies of all documentation.

Yankeescot · 02/08/2018 21:15

Stay strong Sosad! Keep your anger and move forward with whatever is right for you. My marriage broke up due to affair also. You're right about the trust issue I knew I'd never trust him ever again, so only one choice really.

As time went on, I found out just really how deeply the betrayals had gone and so happy to be away from him forever! I'm 10 years on now so life certainly carries on(and gets better!)

You need to decide what's right for you and act accordingly. Don't listen to the family trying to persuade you to stay, it's not their life. And frankly I'm shocked at how unsupportive they're being to you now they know what's going on. Horrible!

We're all happy to support you here with whatever advice or support you need. x

winterisstillcoming · 02/08/2018 21:22

Don't listen to the guilt trip. They should be calling your DH and making him feel guilty.

Be kind to yourself and only listen to those who only have your best interests at heart.

Original poster
HmmmmmSosad · 02/08/2018 21:28

Thanks Yankeescot. I'm glad life is better for you after your divorce. The fact that it went on for so long is what I can't get over, that he had lied every day of those years. Our eldest knows something is not right but I keep telling her I'm okay.

OP posts:
Original poster
HmmmmmSosad · 02/08/2018 21:30

I do work and we have separate accounts. The house is also mortgaged but in his name only although I contributed to the deposit. That's one thing I'm worried about.

OP posts:
anotherfail · 02/08/2018 21:32

Really sorry to hear this. It's a horrible betrayal. We're not talking a one off drunken mistake, but a long term thing which is much more hurtful.

It's all very well others badgering you on his behalf, but what remorse is he showing? Very little by the sounds of it!

Find out your options, let it sink in, take your time. You can decide what you want to happen, when YOU are ready to make that decision.

Take care.

Original poster
HmmmmmSosad · 02/08/2018 21:35

You're absolutely right Afterfail, its the fact it was long term that hurts the most and he is showing no remorse whatsoever. He doesn't want to talk about it, just that he's broken it off and I should forgive him and move on.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 02/08/2018 21:35

I found a way to shut people up who try to talk me out of my boundaries.

I ask them:

‘Why do you think I deserve a lifetime of being treated like...? Why don’t I deserve better?’

Shuts them up Wink

Original poster
HmmmmmSosad · 02/08/2018 21:37

Sorry, Anotherfail.

OP posts:
ElfrideSwancourt · 02/08/2018 21:40

If you're married @HmmmmmSosad it doesn't matter if the house is in his name- you're still entitled to half of it.

Alfiemoon1 · 02/08/2018 21:45

Are u married op as I think u would be entitled to half the house even though it’s in his name

RamblinRosie · 02/08/2018 21:47

Don’t worry, the house is a marital asset, so you will be entitled to a minimum of 50%, assuming that the children stay with you. Division of the marital assets is based on need. You may get considerably more than 50%.

Your solicitor should advise you on how to register your interest in the house with the Land Registry, this should be done as a matter of urgency, to stop your STBX playing silly buggers.

Make sure that you get everything you’re entitled to, which includes a chunk of his pension, don’t be guilted into backing off, you need to fight for both you and your kids.

Original poster
HmmmmmSosad · 02/08/2018 21:50

Yes we are married.

OP posts:
anotherfail · 02/08/2018 21:53

Good advise from others. You have 4 DCs. He doesn't get to absolve himself of his responsibilities. Roughly, what are their ages? Do you know if he has s decent pension? It can be worth as much as the house and must be taken into account. With a long marriage, I think you may find you are in a better financial position than you may think.

This may all sound harsh right now, but from experience, and that of others, it matters a lot in the long term.

Original poster
HmmmmmSosad · 02/08/2018 21:56

Thanks Rosie, I have got an appointment with the solicitors on Monday and hope to discuss where I stand. Thank you all for the advice, I'm now armed with questions to ask.

OP posts:
Bumshkawahwah · 02/08/2018 21:58

If you do want to give him a chance, i’d only even consider it if all my questions were answered and he agreed to marriage counseling. Otherwise, forget it. He’s not seemingly sorry, he just wants you to shut up and forgive. Why on earth would you - or could you - when he’s making no effort at all? He should be begging and pleading and promising the earth. Even then, no one would blame you if you decided to kick him out anyway.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like an unrecoverable situation - what a complete bastard :(