Husband has been having an affair.

[HmmmmmSosad]

We have been married 14 years with 4 DC and found out he's been having an affair with the same woman for the past 5 years. I was suspicious back then when I saw a few messages that suggested an emotional affair which it's bad in itself. I confronted him then but he told me they were just friends and I pleaded with him to end the friendship as although he had female friends that I was aware of, I felt uneasy about this one. I believed him but fastforward to 3 weeks ago when I found out that he never went NC with her but has been cheating all this while. She lives in another country and he's travelled a few times for a week each time. I have seen lots of emails and professing of love. When I confronted him, all I got was lies and I told him I had evidence and also that I was going to divorce him. The whole week, he pleaded twice but with no sign of remorse and I believe he thought it was just the anger. I have since been online reading about how to go about a divorce and made an appointment with a lawyer to go for some advice. It wasn't until I asked him for our marriage certificate after searching last week that I believe he realises I was been serious. Cue the telephone calls from friends and family pleading on his behalf and had to tell a few of them to back off as I'm the one whom her world has come stumbling down and it's just not that easy to forgive a 7 year affair.

He's making zero effort, which means he would just carry on as before if you accepted his lack of effort, lack of disclosure, lack of remorse (about anything other than getting caught), and lack of consideration for you and your children for what his behaviour would lead to.

I hope you have a good solicitor lined up. He sounds like a selfish arse who clearly thinks you're going to roll over and take it.

Exactly Wahwah, he wants me to shut up and forgive but he's not pleading, promising heaven and earth or answering any questions. I'm not quite sure it would matter but the lack of remorse is sheer arrogance.

Take a look at Chump Lady online, some fantastic thoughts and advice on there. And anyone who wants to pressure you to stay for the sake of the children should be ashamed of themselves. You can show your children that you and they don't have to endure people treating you all as second best. You deserve so much more.

You can get a duplicate marriage certificate if necessary.

5 years of an affair is a double life. He has regret not remorse and I'd be annoyed with any family members telling me to forgive.

Stay strong.

Google the 180 in reference to infidelity.... it will help you down the line.

My thoughts exactly BewareofDragons. Then there's a very tiny part of me that thinks I want to go ahead with ending the marriage just to proof I won't accept his behaviour without thinking of any lasting damage it might have on our DC.

Thanks Upyours and Sandy. I will check out the websites.

If you've got savings accounts together get details and copies of statements, copies of H's payslips too if possible and any life insurances etc.
Sorry you're going through this OP

Hi just wanted to add how sorry I am to hear about this, to add that, no, at no point was he "thinking of the children!" and to wish you luck for your solicitors appointment; my advice for that would be to write down everything you want to say and ask, specifically the finances, and write down their answers, this will really cut down time costs for you. All assets will be split 50/50 and then his 50% is worked backwards according to his pension, and costs for accommodating the children. Unfortunately his adultery has nothing to do with the division of assets. Your solicitor may try to take you down the road of an adultery petition but he has the right not to admit to this, so I would go down unreasonable behaviour where they can add the line "and the respondent is now involved in an extra marital relationship which has been continuing for a long period of time and is intolerable to the petitioner (you)" - this will save a lot of money and wrangling as in my experience (previous legal secretary) a lot of people hit with an adultery petition think that their admitting this will be thrown against them with the children, and used to get more money out of him; it won't, it's just a legal reason for divorce. Wikivorce is a really good forum for advice on cutting costs right down.

Thanks Sunflower. I will write down everything and check out the website. I will very much like to keep costs to a minimum as I haven't got much disposable income at the moment due to some commitments.

If he won't talk about it then theres no hope. He will probably carry on after the dust has settled. He will find it very difficult to stop seeing her as this has been going on so long.
Hes not thinking about you and the kids. Hes just going to try and abuse his way back. He thinks hes entitled to stay. What a shit. He should leave.
You don't know what hes doing behind your back re the OW for all you know he could be keeping his options open.
Also why are you telling him things? Just order replacments of what you need. Get your ducks in a row without him knowing otherwise you are doing the pick me dance.
Take control. It does sound like you are going to forgive him and be taken for a mug. I do know its a shock but take care of you.

Exactly what Joysmum said!!! Why do they feel it's perfectly acceptable to talk you around attempting to bust your boundaries while he gets a free hall pass?? Surely he's just a poor wee lamb who's dick fell into someone else that's not his wife for not just one night but years! Boak.

First responsibility is the kiddlywinks and a safe home for them and you. Fight for what you and the kids are entitled to and simply walk away from the rest. That's really the only thing worth fighting for is the kids and a safe home. Big hugs hon x

I wanted a divorce when my exh insisted on buying a new house. I didn't like the house at all so refused to add my name to it.
A few months after moving into the new house he eventually left and I started divorce proceedings. I was still awarded half of the sale price despite my not signing.

We got married abroad so no way of ordering a replacement I don't think unless I travel back there. I'm not playing the pick me dance and I'm still angry enough to want to forge ahead with getting a divorce especially since he's not prepared to talk about it. And you're correct, if he doesn't talk about it, he will most likely carry on. Just tired from all the emotions these past weeks.

just that he's broken it off and I should forgive him and move on
Friggin' typical.
That's years and years of disrespect and betrayal and he wants you to just 'get over it'
Good grief. These men really are total arrogant assholes!
I didn't forgive an affair.
I knew I'd never move on and never feel the same about him again.
No trust = no relationship
Well done OP on starting the ball rolling.
Keep the anger going.
And tell everyone what he has done!
Don't keep HIS dirty secret.

Your friends will definitely want to help.
It's my friends and family that got me through this.
They want to help. Let them!