Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Unfaithful before marriage

32 replies

Ava1984 · 02/08/2018 14:39

Hi all 😊 im new to all this. Im basically going to keep it short. Im married 5 years and have a beautiful baby girl. With my husband 16 years. We got together when i was 17. We hadd some really hard times over the years but when i was about 22 i was unfaitful(10 years ago) . I could never bring myself to tell him. 2 years later we bought our forst house together and fast forward we are now married. I adore him and would be lost without him. We are at a stage in our lives that we are so so happy and content but i cant help feeling guilty over my past actions and feel i dont deserve to be happy. I don't know how to overcome this.

OP posts:
Babdoc · 02/08/2018 14:45

What has made you dredge this all up now, ten years later, OP? Are you feeling a bit emotional after the birth? Depression and guilt are common after childbirth.
I don’t see anything to be gained by telling your DH now about some ancient history - you would just be sabotaging your own (and DH’s happiness) for nothing. Leave it all in the past where it belongs, and enjoy your new baby and happy life.

rollingonariver · 02/08/2018 14:46

Don't tell him, don't ruin his happiness too.
Forget about it, it's not affecting his life at the moment.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/08/2018 14:46

If you are tempted to 'come clean' and tell him, my advice would be DON'T. You stand to lose everything and it sounds as it is not likely to happen again.

Would it help to explain what the circumstances were when you cheated? Was in a one night stand or an affair? What was happening in your relationship at the time? Punishing yourself is no good for either of you.

Original poster
Ava1984 · 02/08/2018 14:55

I often feel guilty over it not just now. I just wish that part of my life never happened. It was a stage in my life where all we did was go out every weekend and drink till we couldn't remember a thing which was awful. Back then i didnt think of what the future held. I decided to join here because i felt i needed someone to talk to. X

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/08/2018 14:56

It's fine, talk to us about it. Everyone so far has basically said 'Stop being so hard on yourself'.

Refilona · 02/08/2018 14:59

That is extremely common, and I wouldn’t give it a second thought. You weren’t married then. Forget about it and enjoy your baby, husband and happiness now.

greendale17 · 02/08/2018 15:06

MN double standards classic here.

That is extremely common, and I wouldn’t give it a second thought. You weren’t married then.

No it is not common to cheat on your partner, marry them and then continue to lie for 10 years.

Trust me, this will come out one day and catch up with you.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/08/2018 15:09

@greendale I would say exactly the same thing if it was a man posting this.

It was a long, long time ago. She hasn't cheated since. Has no intention of cheating again.

There is no reason for it to 'come out'.

Original poster
Ava1984 · 02/08/2018 15:14

Thanks for your comments i was young foolish and i can't change the past only make sure my child and husband have the best future i can give for them. I feel this guilt quite often but its something im going to have to live with as i feel the guilt is my punishment for my actions.

OP posts:
Refilona · 02/08/2018 15:43

Definitely not double standards. It’s about being young and foolish which I believe everyone is at some point. One of my best friends did this and he has now been in a committed long distance relationship for at least 5 years, planning to move overseas to be with his girlfriend now he has finished his PhD. He just wasn’t as sure in the beginning and had a typical student lifestyle.

It won’t come out after 10 years because it’s pre-historic and irrelevant. Forget about it op.

Rebecca36 · 02/08/2018 15:49

Things we've done do have a habit of popping into our minds every now and then and making us brood, it's quite natural. Thankfully it doesn't last. It sounds as though you are basically very happy so for goodness sake don't tell him, there's no point in spoiling a good thing for one mistake.

fantasmasgoria1 · 02/08/2018 16:19

There would be nothing to gain by telling him. You said you had hard times around that time and you have not done it since. You need to find a way to deal with your guilt. Every person makes mistakes in one way or another! I have never cheated but if I had in your circumstances I don’t think I would tell!

Thegianttap · 02/08/2018 20:49

You need to be kind to yourself, forgive yourself, you are only human. People make mistakes all the time. I think that it is bothering you now speaks volumes. If you had cheated and didn't care, didn't worry about it, then that would be different.

Original poster
Ava1984 · 02/08/2018 21:23

Thanks to you all for your comments im just having one of those weeks i just need to learn how to cope with the guilt i find after speaking to you it makes my head feel less heavy xx

OP posts:
Barbaro · 02/08/2018 21:35

How would you feel finding out your husband cheated on you years ago and didn't tell you until later on?

Original poster
Ava1984 · 02/08/2018 21:43

Obviously i would be hurt but i would have to look at the bigger picture and everything that we have gained since back then

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 02/08/2018 21:49

I wouldn't say it's extremely common, but I really don't see the point in bringing it up so long after the fact.

Grumpyoldblonde · 02/08/2018 22:05

You cheated on him when you were young, it happened and you're settled now. Don't tell him - it would wreck his trust and possibly the marriage.

There's no point, just put it behind you and go forward.

Barbaro · 02/08/2018 22:34

Would you want to know if he cheated on you? Even though you'd stay with him most likely. Some relationships after all can survive cheating and build trust again over time.

Original poster
Ava1984 · 03/08/2018 13:42

Thanks again for your replies. Im a good person and can only try and do my best i felt like i was slipping into a veey dark place the last week and needed to talk. X

OP posts:
Dowser · 03/08/2018 15:49

I’m very much an honesty is the best best policy sort of person but I can not see any good come of this.
It’s going to be heartbreaking for your husband . He’s not going to smile and say never mind
He’s going to have sleep less nights, it will affect his work and every fibre of his being.
It could end your marriage and the stability of life for your child
He could end up hating you
The time to fess up was then not now

Talk to someone at Relate who will keep your confidentiality

Original poster
Ava1984 · 03/08/2018 16:13

Thank you for that advice i will get in contact with them. Ill try anything

OP posts:
Safeandwarm · 03/08/2018 16:16

I think you’re right you having to live with this guilt is your punishment.

Telling him now would make you feel slightly better and make him feel awful. It could take years for things to get back to normal, if they ever do. You have a family now, not telling your partner is putting your family first.

Be kind to yourself.

Safeandwarm · 03/08/2018 16:18

I’m sorry but did you say you were so drunk you couldn’t remember what happened that night? Or that you just went out a lot in general?

Original poster
Ava1984 · 04/08/2018 11:19

No we used to drink alot back then but when i was unfaitful it was under the influence of alot of alcohol but thats no excuse.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread