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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Older man

39 replies

lifebeginz · 02/08/2018 13:58

Don't really know what I am looking for here other than maybe some positive stories of other age difference relationships.

I have been dating a man ten years older (30 and 40) for the last few weeks and we have decided to give it a go "officially" (though still not rush anything)

Anyway I don't even notice the age difference at all. We get on great, so much in common it is scary and generally it just seems to click so far

Until a (male - if that makes a difference) friend (who at one point was trying to get himself out of the friendzone if you know what I mean) made a comment about any guys going for someone younger are only after one thing...and apparently the bigger the age gap the more likely this is

I laughed it off and I 100% do not believe this (I am sure in some cases it is true but there were 10 years between my grandparents and they were married 60 years before my granddad passed away) but it bugged me that he would say that.

So not really asking for any advice as such just some happy stories maybe??

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 02/08/2018 14:02

I don't agree with him there, but I do think most men will go for someone younger and you have to consider why that's the case. Very few, for instance, will go on a dating site and put the upper age range as older than themselves.

Original poster
lifebeginz · 02/08/2018 14:05

HollowTalk you're probably right. but then I tend to prefer older in men.... My age ranges on OLD was 30-45 but tbh I would be more hesitant with those at the lower end of that...but I cannot offer any explanation as to why...I just do lol

OP posts:
SurlyValentine · 02/08/2018 14:06

I would say it's fairly safe to assume that your male friend is jealous and was trying to sow seeds of doubt in your mind, the sad wanker Hmm

Ten years is really not a huge age gap by the time you get to 30. It would be more pronounced at 20 and 30, but not so much by 30 and 40.

I have thought of four couples that I know in the time it's taken me to type this post with bigger age gaps than yours and your DP's, and all of them have been in happy relationships for at least ten years.

Original poster
lifebeginz · 02/08/2018 14:09

Thanks Surlyvalentine. I did think that would possibly be the case though he swears blind it isn't of course!

I agree. I think an age gap would be more noticeable at a younger age but 30 and 40 really isn't a big deal I'd say!

OP posts:
KimWexler · 02/08/2018 14:10

Anyway I don't even notice the age difference at all

I dated a guy who was 16 years older than I was, when I was early twenties. I didn't think age differences mattered, it was individuals who mattered, yada yada. However, it mattered hugely to him, in that he was massively getting off on the fact I was so much younger. Once I realised that, I found it massively off-putting.

For some men it really matters, for others it doesn't. My husband now is a couple of years younger than I am, he doesn't care, we never think about it.

Think about what matters to you. Some women like being so much younger and don't care that the bloke likes that as a thing. I hated it. Decide how you feel about things and act on that basis. There's no way of anyone saying yeah, these age gaps are great or no they're impossible.

KimWexler · 02/08/2018 14:21

Oh, just seen you wanted happy stories, sorry Grin and mine wasn't happy for the older bloke.

But I still think it's up to you - if it isn't a big thing for either of you, fine and dandy. If it is a big thing for him and you know that and don't mind that, fine and dandy too.

Original poster
lifebeginz · 02/08/2018 14:24

haha KimWexler...that's ok....just stories in general are fine...though I prefer the happy ones. I don't get any impression of him at all that it matters to him..... time will tell I suppose but I get a good feeling so far

OP posts:
Hallouminati · 02/08/2018 14:59

DH is 9 years older than me. When we first got together I think it was a bit of an ego boost for him but, twelve years on, I don't think anyone could say he's only after one thing! Your friend sounds jealous, ignore him!

Original poster
lifebeginz · 02/08/2018 15:02

Thanks Hallouminati! I LOVE your username BTW!!

OP posts:
SoapOnARoap · 02/08/2018 15:03

I think a 10 years age gap+ is good especially, after 35. It will help that your sex drives should even out in your 50’s, as you read on here, of so many relationship breakdowns with similar aged couples when the libido’s seem to drift.
Very best of luck OP & ignore the other bloke, he has his own agenda Flowers

Aprilshowersinjuly · 02/08/2018 15:05

I am nearly ten years older than dh! I am 47!

Sidneythecam · 02/08/2018 15:06

I'm 28..16 years between me and DP

Very happy

I get sad sometimes that he'll (probably) die before me and I'll be alone 😂 that's about the height of it

Love him to bits

HollowTalk · 02/08/2018 15:07

Ten years is really not a huge age gap by the time you get to 30. It would be more pronounced at 20 and 30, but not so much by 30 and 40.

30 and 40 are not too bad, but once it's 50-60 and 60-70 it becomes a massive difference.

kenandbarbie · 02/08/2018 15:18

Sidney, I wouldn't think he'd necessarily die before you at all. People die at all different ages once they're over 50 and some get diseases and some don't. Don't be sad!

kenandbarbie · 02/08/2018 15:19

I don't think 50-60 or 60-70 are big differences really.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 02/08/2018 15:19

If it helps, my husband is 22 years older than me. He didn't need to stick around to have his wicked way with me, because I shagged him on our first date. We've been together ever since- 25 years!

Original poster
lifebeginz · 02/08/2018 15:19

I didn't think of that SoaponaRoap.....hmmmmmm :) :) :)

AprilshowersinJuly shows it can work then :-)

Sidneythecam never thought of that but I suppose anything can happen...Just got to make the most of it!

OP posts:
SurlyValentine · 02/08/2018 15:20

HollowTalk

I think it depends on the person. I know 70 year olds who are at the gym three times a week, look after their health, keep their minds active, enjoy socialising, etc. etc., and could pass for being 55 year olds. I also know 60 year olds who could pass for being 20 years older, and have all but given up on life, and have no interest in anything.

It's very difficult to generalise, but if I were you OP, I'd make him start taking care of himself now, if he doesn't already! Wink

AnnieAnoniMoose · 02/08/2018 15:23

I think he’s right for many men, it’s an ego boost, but certainly not for all. My friend is 14 years younger than her DH, they’re fabulously well matched and have just had a baby. She’s been a brilliant step mum to his 2 older girls and they adore her. (No, she wasn’t the OW). They are now 52 & 38, but got together 10 years ago (she had problems with infertility or they’d have had kids ago ago). They are one of the loveliest, happiest couples I know.

However, my parents friends, who have age gaps in their marriages, are really noticing the gap now they’re all in their 70’s plus. The ‘younger’ ones feel quite restricted by their older partners and feel their retirement years aren’t what they could have been if they were closer in age. They love them, but somewhat resent the situation.

Go into it with your eyes wide open and accept that in later years you might feel the same as they do, but do what you want. Don’t listen to a bloke whose incentive is to get into your knickers.

Pasithea · 02/08/2018 15:25

Twenty years between me and DH. Married for 23 years this year. Must say I’m only really noticing a difference now he’s that bit older. He’s 70. But we are still here still married still happy.

PrimalLady · 02/08/2018 15:26

Ive had a couple of male friends like this. Nip it in the bud and dont let it effect you.

I ended up cutting one out completely and am severely distancing myself from the other who is horribly petty and deliberately not understanding as and when he decides.

Original poster
lifebeginz · 02/08/2018 15:29

Thanks everyone. I was trying to reply to everyone individually but lost track!

I appreciate all your replies! Dontdribbleonthecarpet that made me laugh!

OP posts:
Snowdonia · 02/08/2018 15:32

I'm 25 and my DH is 13 years older than me. We got married last year and couldn't be happier. Initally I was surprised when I found out his age as he looks a lot younger, but now it doesn't even cross my mind. We met in work and got on so well, I couldn't turn him down just because of an age difference that was unnoticeable.

My mother is 8 years older than my father and they've been married 30 years.

My best friends parents have 13 years difference. They've also been married 30 years.

Don't worry about it if you're both happy! Smile

PrimalLady · 02/08/2018 15:33

Mines not an age gap thing though btw.

How long have you known this friend for? Has he always been like this?

One of mine has made several attempts but always left me alone until i started seeing someone he knew. He got really petty and bitchy and started bitching and slagging me off for things id done when i was 15 with my first boyfriend. He even got that ex to try to add the guy on fb. Bare in mind im 28 now..

The other one looking back was like this with my daughters . Seems to be intimidated by certain types of men. Physically they are most similar. The two he wasnt like this over are similar to eeach other.

Sidneythecam · 02/08/2018 15:33

@kenandbarbie I was being lighthearted.. I hope he bloody well dies before me Grin but hopefully we are 90 and 106 when that happens

Always remember my dad tagging along to a random baby scan I had with DS

My dad was 52 at the time, I was 24

The midwife asked if "daddy" wanted to ask anything, I laughed and said "oh, he's granda" and mw laughed back - "we see all sorts in here my dear, better to be safe"

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