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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Trying to make marriage work after husbands infidelity

39 replies

PenAndPad · 02/08/2018 01:56

So it’s been about 2 months since my husband’s infidelity. He has changed his number and is abstaining from any form of social media. He’s home all the time and has me involved with every move he makes. Like I would be at work and ask him what he’s doing and he would go as far as to send me a pic. With all of this I still don’t trust him. I had originally found out about his infidelity from a hunch that I was feeling and went through his phone. All the text messages were there and even some disgusting photos. It’s all I see in my head and him being with another woman. He’s apologized numerous times but I feel like things will never be the same again. We have 2 beautiful children together. I don’t know if I stayed because of them or because I feel that we could save our marriage. These thoughts are driving me crazy and I feel paranoid. I feel like when I’m at work and the kids are in school, that he’s out fucking her, as he works nights and I work during the day. They said marriage wouldn’t be easy but damn!

OP posts:
Horsesforcourses23 · 02/08/2018 07:06

It must be so hard for you. There are lots of boards on here offering support with many people having gone through the same situation as you.

2 month doesn't sound very long and it's probably all still very raw for you. Have you thought about talking to anyone like a counsellor about it?

Truckingonandon · 02/08/2018 07:13

It can only ever be a personal choice whether to stay or not but there is no easy road ahead. If you stay however, you can expect the rest of your marriage to be filled with doubt, no trust, anger and living with anxiety. Whatever you do, don't do the 'pick me' dance. Did you have any time apart when you first found out?

user1483387154 · 02/08/2018 07:22

No it won't ever be the same again because he is not the man you thought he was.

Personally I could never trust him again and the fact he betrayed me would be the end of the relationship

helloworld88 · 02/08/2018 07:24

I disagree with @Truckingonandon depends on how both of you handle it then there is a chance feelings like that will go away and you can get passed it. It will take some time though. Counselling is a very good idea for both of you too. Don't just not talk about it, even if you dont go down the counselling route.

Hope you're ok cos it is a really rubbish thing to go through 💐

saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 02/08/2018 07:32

Sorry you are in this position OP. I don't think I could ever get past this - I could maybe "forgive" depending on the circumstances - e.g., you were going through a difficult patch, it was a drunken one night stand, partner had had a trauma etc (not saying this makes it ok but for some people, they could forgive/understand on these grounds). If the relationship had been okay and it happened - then no way, no "excuse".

Overall, I would say bin it now - chances of fully recovering from this are very slim and if you don't split, it will likely just be a very painful stay of execution - being on death row as opposed to just getting it over with. 100% he will "get over it" before you and you will be on here in 6, 10 months time saying you are still bringing it up and he is saying "why do you keep bringing it up, let it go" etc. You will end up being blamed for keeping on referring to it and then you will feel even worse.

Hope you find the strength to cope in these difficult times.

blearyeyedbear · 02/08/2018 07:47

Firstly ignore every post that starts with 'I would/could..... etc' because no one knows what that would or could do in these circumstances unless they have been there. The reality is very different to the theory.

Personally I never lost the negative feelings you are experiencing, and time did not heal the wounds. It wasn't the infidelity as such that killed things, it was the knowledge that he could lie so effectively, about so many things, and also that when things got tough in a marriage his default position was to blame his spouse rather than himself and use this as justification to look elsewhere for a more appreciative partner Hmm

No one can give you the right answer as every situation is different, but good luck Flowers

cakecakecheese · 02/08/2018 08:11

It's still very early days so it's natural to be struggling. I agree with councelling, couples or on your own, or maybe both.

ivykaty44 · 02/08/2018 08:14

Have a watch

Chippyway · 02/08/2018 09:14

You’ll never trust him by going about things this way

What happens the moment he doesn’t send you a picture?
Letting you go through his phone means nothing.
Being with you in all your free time is not healthy either

Two months is still very early days so I’m not surprised you still can’t trust him BUT the trust won’t come back by the way you’re doing things

Councelling will help. Talking openly and honestly and taking one day at a time will work better than living in each other’s pockets.

hellsbellsmelons · 02/08/2018 09:20

Have you had any counselling? Alone and together?
Have you done some reading together?
THIS BOOK is often recommended on here.

Please remember this is very very early days.
It takes years to build that trust back up.
Be kind to yourself. Do what you need to do to feel more secure.
But please give yourself TIME!
You will not be over this in 2 months.
You may not be over it all in 2 years.

Is being honest with all your questions?

Original poster
PenAndPad · 02/08/2018 16:30

Thanks for all your responses!
I do think it’s a great idea to seek counseling and I am going to set an appointment.

OP posts:
yetmorecrap · 02/08/2018 17:09

you know what they say OP, you can glue the vase together but the cracks are still there, believe me I know exactly how you feel , what it does is change how you 'perceive them' some people get past this, some do not and some like me feel somewhat in limbo, especially with a partner who is extremely sorry, in my case it was a long time ago but found out 12 years after the event. The problem is no matter how sorry they are and how much you may care/like them, in some of us 'the attraction and trust switch kind of goes off in your head' and I cannot deny its hard to feel the same. As everyone says you have to kind of start again , the problem is most of the guilty partners in this case just want it back to normal and forgive and forget.

Original poster
PenAndPad · 02/08/2018 18:15

@yetmorecrap That’s exactly how I feel. He doesn’t have an attitude of just get over it but it’s like he doesn’t like talking about it. He knows he fucked up! I just can’t get over the fact that this even took place. The act of the infidelity took place last November and I found out two months ago along with him verbally entertaining two other females. Where do I pick up the pieces of my life. I still love him but I definitely don’t look at this man in the same light as I did before

OP posts:
Guest6565 · 02/08/2018 18:21

You can't expect the marriage to work without intervention now - he's refusing/doesnt like to talk and thats bad news already.

I've been in your shoes, 2 months out is raw.

Tinkeringbythesea · 02/08/2018 19:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tryingagain1 · 02/08/2018 22:36

No it won't ever be the same again. He's destroyed the trust in your marriage whicg is hard if not impossible to restore. You've done nothing wrong so why should you suffer the consequences and try to solve his problems?

Also sorry to say but get tested for STI. A friend of mine was duped by a married man into a relationship with unprotected sex as he was allegedly single, been to the clinic etc. Needless to say she dumped him when she found out he was married Confused

happypoobum · 02/08/2018 22:44

I am not surprised you feel the way you do.

I couldn't get over this. I hope the counselling helps Flowers

Creamontop · 02/08/2018 23:00

Only you can make the decision as whether to stay or go. Infidelity does not automatically mean that the relationship has to end. 2 months post finding out is not long at all. I think you both need to go to counselling in order to process everything that's happened. As to whether to stay or go it really depends on the nature of the infidelity and why he chose to cheat on you - it would seem that he was unhappy about something within ur relationship? Has he been absolutely honest with you? I'm not suggesting that you are responsible for his cheating, but what is it that prevented him from talking to you in the first place about his perceived problems within the partnership? Counselling should help you get to the root of the problem. I have been through the same kind of thing and I saw a therapist because I was so traumatised by what had happened. Ultimately I have decided to divorce my husband, but it doesn't necessarily mean that I believe all marriages should always end because of infidelity. I have been reading Shirley Glass and Andrew G Marshall books and I have found them to be very helpful. I think you will continue to struggle if you do not get some external help/read books etc. May be seeing a therapist on your own would be beneficial like it was for me?

Tinkeringbythesea · 03/08/2018 04:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QueenCelestial · 03/08/2018 05:25

You will get great support from these boards but you do need to ignore the unhelpful posts. Nobody knows what they’d do in this situation. I thought I’d leave. 10 months on I’m still here.

What’s important this early on is that you don’t have to make a decision. Not making a decision about the future is a valid decision. Whether you stay or go you have to recover from it and in the early days it’s about healing not necessarily working on the marriage. The wounds are deep and it takes time. Be kind to yourself. The days in between crying will lengthen, the anger you feel will lessen. Do what you have to do to survive right now and don’t focus too much on the future.
It’s shit, it really is but honestly time does help whichever route you go down.

Creamontop · 03/08/2018 11:37

Hi Tinkeringbythesea, if you PM me then I would be happy to share some of my experiences.

PositiveProton · 03/08/2018 12:19

In my teens, I had a friend whose dad had had an affair. Her mum stayed with him. I stayed over their house for a week once. Even though the divorce happened years and years previously, the bitterness and resentment had turned the Mum into a mess. Even I could see that, though she tried to hide it. The kids (now grown up) all knew. I think about that now and it makes me think that she wasted half her life on holding onto this hot coal of anger. What a waste. Her husband just reminded her of her agony every single day.

Original poster
PenAndPad · 03/08/2018 13:01

@QueenCelestial
Thank you for your words. They’re really helpful.

OP posts:
yetmorecrap · 03/08/2018 14:37

Queencelestial, I havent left either, although it has altered my take on things and made me aware of vulnerabilities, a Lovely lady lawyer and a lovely lady counsellor both told me, don’t leave if you don’t have to unless you are in danger from a position of vulnerability and anger or abuse, get yourself in a better mindset and see how you feel later when calmer ,

BunnyCarr · 03/08/2018 15:54

I couldn't continue a marriage after infidelity.
I couldn't live like that.

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