Trying to make marriage work after husbands infidelity

[PenAndPad]

So it’s been about 2 months since my husband’s infidelity. He has changed his number and is abstaining from any form of social media. He’s home all the time and has me involved with every move he makes. Like I would be at work and ask him what he’s doing and he would go as far as to send me a pic. With all of this I still don’t trust him. I had originally found out about his infidelity from a hunch that I was feeling and went through his phone. All the text messages were there and even some disgusting photos. It’s all I see in my head and him being with another woman. He’s apologized numerous times but I feel like things will never be the same again. We have 2 beautiful children together. I don’t know if I stayed because of them or because I feel that we could save our marriage. These thoughts are driving me crazy and I feel paranoid. I feel like when I’m at work and the kids are in school, that he’s out fucking her, as he works nights and I work during the day. They said marriage wouldn’t be easy but damn!

BunnyCarr I said the same thing but you honestly don’t know what you’d do until you're in the situation.

What shit advice from a 'lovely lady lawyer'. How about, grab hold of your pride, self-esteem and sense of value and shed off someone who has betrayed you and lied to you.

@Truckingonandon
I’m not trying to be an asshole, but have you ever delt with your husband stepping out of your marriage?

Absolutely. I found out 7 months ago that he was having an affair with a 20 something. It's shit and it hurts like hell but he was done for me in that moment I found out. The man I thought I knew evaporated into thin air. That lovely ease and trust and belief disappeared. You cannot get it back.

She wasn’t saying ‘dont’ leave Truckin, she was saying if you decide to do so do from a position of strength and feeling a bit less frantic and many ladies on here are not in a great position just to ‘clear off’ or ‘boot someone out’ all kinds of reasons, jointly owned/rented homes, living month to month, no family/friends help etc , you really cant judge unless you have been there in that position and leaving whilst at a very raw stage is great for the LTB brigade, but doesn’t work for some , her advice was protect yourself, build up friendships, and concentrate on ‘you’ for a bit.

Yet - I get all that. Your original comment didn't quite get across that sentiment though.

PenAndPad I personally think that if his infidelity/inappropriate behaviour was with three different women then that would indicate he is a serial cheat, and you will be on edge forevermore watching and waiting for the next betrayal. Either that or you'll subconsciously do the pick me dance to "make sure" he doesn't feel tempted elsewhere.

Counselling sounds like a good idea, as does taking as much time as you need to decide whether you want to share your new future with him.

Hi OP
I have been in your shoes- I found out about my partner's infidelity a year ago this week. We are still together.

What you are going through was normal for me at this stage, you are not alone in the images and thoughts you are experiencing. You are processing an emotionally traumatic event and this is your brain making sense of things.

What I would say is don't feel that you have made a decision just yet. It is very hard to know whether you want to stay with him based on so little time after finding out. For some people the circumstances make a big difference, for other people it is a gut feeling, some a pragmatic decision based on lifestyle. Only you know what's right for you- so as a pp said, ignore the "I would/could" statements. Nobody knows how they will respond to this kind of betrayal and none of us would respond the exact same way.

I would urge you to watch YouTube videos from Esther Perel and Affair Recovery to get more information and show these to your partner as he will really need to understand what he has done and what you're going through.

Staying is by no means the easy option and you can't hurry the process of overcoming it, much as you may want to. I know I did. One year on, things are not perfect but they are better than they were and I do feel more hopeful for the future now. Give yourself time and some slack, feel free to pm me if you ever want to.

ACatsNoHelpWithThat
He has sex with one of the three. The other two, he was only engages in conversation and inappropriate photos. But I completely get what you’re saying.....infidelity is infidelity. I love this man whole hearty. We have two children, a home and great jobs that together we provide a decent lifestyle for our family. The love I have for him hasn’t gone anywhere... but Now I don’t trust him at all and don’t look at him in the same light as I used to.

I second watching Esther. I was in the midst of months of panic attacks and depression and I swear her videos helped me find some calm.

My friends are 8 years on after her affair they seem to of got through it.Very open about it in the first few months like your dh she didn't go anywhere but then the pressure was building and they gave it a year .She told me it was too intense they both relaxed and went back to normal as in not keep tabs on each other .She said it was hard and a few bumps in the road .There kids have both left home now so it's just them 2 but they do loads together and seem happy.People do get through this but you are only a fews months in sorry but it take years to move forward.

Hi penance - I’m sorry your going through this - but what stands out is it wasn’t just one woman he was interested in - he had two others lined up.
If your marriage stands a chance HE has to do some talking.
Is it the first time or the first time you found out.
It must be very very painful - can you ask him to move out and give you space.
He’s broken your trust and it’s hard to get back.

It is very early days for you and it also depends on how open your H is being about all of this . I let mine stay and then it all went tits up 4 years later ( 4 years of MY wasted time and yes maybe because I couldn't get over it as quickly as he thought I should !) . THREE of them though ? Wow ! Even if he is just had sex with one of them ? Messaging 2 others ? It's not about the sex - it is about the lack of respect for you and the feelings that HE has inside . He's looking for something - a feeling of being wanted, desired etc , a kick, a rush . People get fixated on the sex - it's not that that is so demeaning ( although the sex is a huge betrayal) - it is the spending time , the laughing, the effort to keep in touch , the little non sexual intimacies , the time he spends with her - it all takes from your marriage . Until he talks properly about it all then it will happen again - he feels he deserves it ? She makes him feel wanted ? Lots of talking for you to do before you decide .

I would agree about the little stuff being sometimes harder to get past than the big stuff, I think one thing that got me was the 5 or6 times a day texting, I am not a big texter to be honest and I am lucky if I got 3 a month , he also took photos of her alone on a beach walking around when they were on tour. That upset me a lot, it doesn’t have to be wall to wall shagging for you to feel betrayed .