Time to go no contact??

[Lolly667]

I hope this makes sense, I’m so upset. Can’t stop crying and feel like I can’t catch my breath properly.

I’ve posted before about my mum, but things are getting worse and worse. She’s turned out to be such a nasty person towards someone I care about (SIL). She’s trying to make me take sides where no sides needed to be taken, but now she’s not talking to my SIL and deliberately putting me in awkward situations by telling me something then telling me not to tell SIL. Stupid pointless things that make no sense just to put a wedge between us.

Now she’s pushing and pushing me for an argument and I’m just not replying to her messages so she is getting meaner. She said the other day she realises I want to stay out of the situation with my SIL and her so she won’t message me about it again. We then had a normal conversation about my pregnancy etc. Then the next day the messages continue about how disappointed she is with me, and tonight even worse.

I’m so upset. I’m pregnant. I’m in pain. I’m fed up. And I’m being pushed for a fight. I just wanted to keep out of it. Why is she doing this? It’s like she actually wants to fall out with me.

Is it time to go no contact? How do you even go no contact? I don’t really want her involved in my baby’s life, I feel she’s finally shown her true colours. But at the same time I’m hurting so much. Surely she’s supposed to care, she’s my mum.

What do I do now. I just keep crying. I havent replied to her.

Ignore her. At the very least tell her you want a break for a while, that gives you some breathing space.

She's on the attack, that's why she's being mean. She wants a fight and because you won't give her one she's being nastier to goad you into fighting. She doesn't care about how you feel, physically or emotionally, she just wants her fight.

And she might have been like this regardless of the situation with your SIL because she might be angry with you for being pregnant and so getting more attention than her.

Be under no illusions: this will carry on, with periods of calm in between. It won't matter once the baby comes, she'll be mean to be the centre of attention. It'll be your fault for not taking notice of her etc.

There's always something when they want to fight, be the victim, whatever.

Take a break, see how you feel - and how she behaves while you're having the break - and make decisions then.

peekyboo thank you for your reply.

I know she is toxic and I know I need to distance myself from her. She’s been truly awful lately. But I can’t imagine going no contact. I just can’t. But I know it’s for the best. I can’t even think straight about it all. I know I don’t need to make any decisions yet though.

If I send any sort of message saying I want her to give me some space she will make it all about her somehow. But at the same time I feel I am ghosting her or something by just stopping replying. But any reply will feed the fire. I can’t win this at all. I feel like telling her exactly what I think of her and her narcissistic behaviour, but that will be our relationship over then and the extended family will be told all about how it’s my fault and what I say.

Do I owe her an explanation of why I want some peace? I feel she just wants any sort of attention from me, positive or negative, it doesn’t matter to her. I don’t want to give her what she wants.

I tell you what will happen if you try to explain why you need space - she'll go ballistic and take it as an opportunity to wage war with you. She won't listen, there'll be no discussion, no good will come of trying to include rational, valid reasons why her behaviour is hurting you.

She doesn't care, she just needs the drama like the rest of us need peace. This is such a hard concept to accept.

Tell her you need a break and will be back in touch when you are ready. If you want to include any explanation simply say you can't deal with all the stress between you right now.

And also, if you did explain everything and she did explode etc, your relationship wouldn't be over because she'll come back and want to ignore it all and start again at some point. They need to do this, to ensure you are in their lives and in the loop, so that at some stage it can all begin again.

The only thing is I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready to get back in touch

This has been building up for a long time, and I knew when I eventually started to have children that I would have to put some barriers in place because I don’t want her having that influence in my baby’s life like she had in mine. But she’s taken that out of my hands now. There was no need for it to come to this, but I can’t see anyway back now.

Can you just not be drawn into her fights and just keep it neutral: 'oh hi mum, feeling tired today, the baby is kicking and I've been so hot...Can't wait to give birth now..' just ignore the digs and jibes, change the subject and if she keeps on, say you've got to go as there's someone at the door.

It isn't as simple as ignoring it though. There's no escape from a narcissist wanting a fight.

And no, you probably won't want to restart contact but by making it temporary to start with you give yourself time to think without feeling you have to make life-changing decisions all at once.

caselgarcia that’s exactly what I’ve been doing for weeks now, but the situation has just deteriorated. She wants me to engage in the drama she is causing and when I’ve not she’s got angrier and angrier and resorted to pulling me down and guilt tripping me. It’s just so sad, I didn’t want this

peekyboo thank you, I’m just so upset tonight and I appreciate you taking the time to help me.

The ball of anxiety in my chest has gone now and the baby is kicking like crazy. I don’t need this stress at the moment, and you’re right there’s no escape from her wanting a fight. She will keep pushing and pushing unless I say something to stop it. She will tell people her own version of events whatever I do so I’ll always be the bad guy in her version whatever I say or do.

People with any sense won't believe her.

So sorry this is happening to you. Keep in contact with those who support you.

She just happened to give birth to you. I know it's hard as she'll have manipulated you from a young age. But you're doing the right thing going NC.

I know a lot of people go no contact and the relief is so huge, they never feel anything but relief.

For me, I've found the guilt difficult to cope with but my life and emotional health has flourished since going no contact. The guilt and anxiety is still there, but my life has changed completely and I know it was for the best.

So I'm not promising a magic fix but the peace of mine and not having to deal with constant drama is liberating.

Do expect more drama before it gets better though. She'll be the victim and attacker rolled into one.

I had an argument with my toxic mother and wound up ghosting her for 2 weeks to catch my breath and because she refused to address any issues. She escalated it and escalated it until she crossed a boundary I warned her not to cross and I finally snapped enough to tell her to leave me alone two weeks before giving birth to my second ds. She went to my grandad and called me a c* and his wife told her never to speak about me like that again in her presence. My granny (they are divorced) has pretty much cut all contact with me. It hurt at the time but a year on I have never been better psychologically and I don't regret it for a second. She still shit talks me but she has shown her true colours and is about to miss out on her third grandchild as a result.

Whatever you decide honey, you and your family come first and if you need space then take it. I am so sorry you are going through this and just know it's not your fault and you are not in the wrong x

My mother used to rage at me when I'd had my first baby because I was shutting her out and didn't care about her anymore. My baby was only a couple of weeks old when this started...

At the time, I thought I needed to do more but had no idea how to fix it. Looking back I wonder how she could do that to a young mum with a tiny baby.

Thank you everyone. I’m just quite teary tonight, but the pregnancy hormones won’t be helping either.

I have a tough road ahead I think. But one day at a time..
Hopefully she won’t send a message tomorrow so I’ll get a bit of breathing space.

I was preparing to go low contact, but no contact isn’t something I’d seriously thought would be possible. I’ll just take it one day at a time. I can’t imagine them not being involved in my baby’s life. It makes me cry to even think about. But I have to do what’s right for my baby too and I don’t want this life for her. And I don’t want her used as a weapon or something to guilt me over

still feeling really teary and can’t sleep at all despite being shattered. My DP is working the next two days so not even got the distraction of him being here. He’s been wonderful today and really looked after me.

But it’s late and he’s sleeping and I don’t really have anyone to contact this late on a week night so feeling a bit sad and down. Just having a pity party really. Just can’t believe it’s come to this.

Temporarily block her - just for a day or two to give yourself some space. Then unblock her, answer a text or email that you want to answer, and then block her again. At least tbis way you get to deal with the situation when it suits you, not her. I agree with the previous poster though - a narc spoiling for a fight is not going to stop until they get a fight, and then the silent treatment after.

I really do feel for you OP, such an awful situation. Don't make any final decisions right now, maybe just choose to ignore her for a while.

One of the problems with going no contact with someone like your DM is that they refuse to accept that as an option. She will likely meltdown and the fall out from that is not easy to deal with, especially with you being pregnant and already feeling the way you do.

Get yourself into a strong frame of mind first, then slip away quietly and wait for the rage/abuse/lies/flying monkeys etc to come. It's not easy but if you are ready for it you will ride the storm with grace and dignity.

Don't worry about what other people are being told, given enough time, DM will reveal her true self to them.

I wish you every happiness OP

If she texts you about your SIL, tell her you won’t be responding to any messages about this. Anything about you or the baby - fine, reply as usual. Anything about your SIL, ignore and delete.

Then you’re l not ghosting her, you’re being selective about what you reply to. Which you have every right to do.

Send her a message that your phone is playing up. Anything urgent she can call the landline...hopefully you have called ID and can ignore if she calls.

I take it SIL is your brother's wife?

Sounds like she's a horrendous MIL too.

I think that's a good option @DaphneduWarrior if OP isn't ready for full NC.

I have had no contact with my mum for nearly 6 years now. She doesn't know I'm married or have had a baby. It's heart breaking but for the best with a narcissistic parent.

Lots of love and look after yourself and your precious bump. 💐

Thank you everyone. I’ve had a much better day today. No messages from her and I feel more relaxed.

I’ve actually decided to write her a letter, and I have a first draft here. It basically says that I don’t want to get involved in issues with brother and SIL (yes sandyy2k she’s my brothers wife). I’ve called her out on a few things she has done to me lately and said I don’t appreciate her trying to make me feel guilty. I don’t know if I’ll send it yet, but I feel better for writing it.

She had already said she wasn’t going to message me about them and I was ignoring those messages and only replying to the ones with normal conversation in. But she can’t help herself and has to push and push. It’s a control thing. She only asks about the baby or me to draw me into a conversation then throws things in then. Or tells me things which seem innocent and then says don’t tell sil that. Just to put me in an awkward position.

I’m ashamed of the way she is behaving and it’s so much more extreme than I’ve ever seen from her before.

Do not send this letter to your mother; it will simply be used by her further against you no matter how carefully or nicely worded it is. This is ready made ammo to someone as disordered of thinking as your mother is. She will doubtless counter with a whole laundry list of your own supposed shortcomings and lead you into experiencing more pain. It could be argued as well that she has not changed a jot since your own childhood; this is who she really is.

It is not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way. She was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and you will need to keep her well away from your child because she will do him/her emotional harm too. Toxic parents like your mother more often than not too make out for being toxic as grandparents. Protect your child from such malign influences; you will thank yourself for having the foresight to do that.

Deal with your own fear, obligation and guilt through therapy; find a therapist who you can properly work with and who will respect your approach. Such people are like shoes, you need to find someone who fits.

Do read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward and have a look too at the "OUT OF THE FOG" website

attila thank you. I have no idea what kind of therapist would deal with this. I tried looking online earlier today but it’s so complex. Is it cbt or family therapy or something else entirely? I am trying to save money so much at the moment with going on mat leave soon, but I think I need to prioritise this really. I want to be a good parent and hopefully I’ve left having children long enough to be able to break the cycle now (I’m in my 30s)

I was thinking sending the letter would appeal to her better nature, and make her see how I feel. Or at least get some things off my chest and I’d feel like I tried to help. I’m fully prepared for a nasty letter back. In some ways that’s would make it easier because I wouldn’t have to feel like it was my fault.

I’ve been too passive up to now and not set any boundaries. It’s gotten to the point I need to say something.

I know she will twist what I say, but she twists what I don’t say too. I will never come out of this looking like I did the right thing to her so I’d rather do it on my terms and at least know I said what I wanted to.

Don't let her draw you into a conversation, whenever she mentions anything you don't want to talk about just reply 'not now' or 'not getting involved sorry' and just leave it at that since you've already told her you don't want to talk about it

Therapy is a great idea and worked well for me to recover from my mums parenting. Expect to pay £50 an hour (that's in Wales anyway) and I did about 10 hours in total over about a year. I really could do with going once a month but I can't afford it so I try and draw on the tools the therapist gave me for my circumstances.