Time to go no contact??

[Lolly667]

I hope this makes sense, I’m so upset. Can’t stop crying and feel like I can’t catch my breath properly.

I’ve posted before about my mum, but things are getting worse and worse. She’s turned out to be such a nasty person towards someone I care about (SIL). She’s trying to make me take sides where no sides needed to be taken, but now she’s not talking to my SIL and deliberately putting me in awkward situations by telling me something then telling me not to tell SIL. Stupid pointless things that make no sense just to put a wedge between us.

Now she’s pushing and pushing me for an argument and I’m just not replying to her messages so she is getting meaner. She said the other day she realises I want to stay out of the situation with my SIL and her so she won’t message me about it again. We then had a normal conversation about my pregnancy etc. Then the next day the messages continue about how disappointed she is with me, and tonight even worse.

I’m so upset. I’m pregnant. I’m in pain. I’m fed up. And I’m being pushed for a fight. I just wanted to keep out of it. Why is she doing this? It’s like she actually wants to fall out with me.

Is it time to go no contact? How do you even go no contact? I don’t really want her involved in my baby’s life, I feel she’s finally shown her true colours. But at the same time I’m hurting so much. Surely she’s supposed to care, she’s my mum.

What do I do now. I just keep crying. I havent replied to her.

avocado what kind of therapist did you go for? Is it cbt? I have no idea where to start..

I am sorry to be honest OP but parents like this do not have a better nature. They have attack, manipulate and punish modes. No better ones.

They do not understand or learn because they do not think they have done wrong.

You need peace in your pregnancy, it sounds though shd brings only turmoil and pain. Is their any positives she has?

weeping I appreciate your honesty and I know that its true. There’s no better nature for me to appeal to.

It hasn’t always been like this. She’s always had a background level of this craziness, but day to day I could ring her if I needed a chat and we would send funny messages to each other. She asked how my day was and seemed to care about the answer. I haven’t seen any of that for many months now. Definitely not this year, and I’m struggling to recall examples in the last 12 months. I don’t know what’s changed. It’s like I don’t know her anymore.

I am sorry. It is such a hard thing to step away. Do you think it could be your family? Having a partner and baby...maybe she is jealous? Punishing you for having a good life?

I don’t know weeping she hasn’t been the same since I got pregnant. Or since I bought my new house with DP really. I thought she was acting strange about the house and that was a year ago.

I think all the years of looking for stress and drama have finally caught up with her and now she can’t escape it. She can’t function without it.

I’ve had a few days peace with no messages, but I know it won’t last.

I feel quite unsettled and maybe a bit anxious. I lie awake at night thinking how my brother was the last person I would have expected to abandon his family or have an affair. He was such a family man. But I got it wrong. Like I got my mum wrong. It’s like I can’t read people or trust my judgements. What if I get my DP wrong and he has an affair and leave me with the baby. Or even if just the stress of a new baby etc causes us to break up. I have no support system anymore then. I rely on him and his family for my support, and what if they treated me like my family are treating my SIL. I feel very vulnerable.

Lolly

I do not think that either CBT or family therapy (particularly that and your mother would never sit in a room with a therapist, its really a bad idea) will be helpful here; you need more specialised help that those. I would actually consider posting on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages and asking about this there.

Its not your fault your mother is the ways she is.
My guess as well is that your mother has always been this disordered of thinking but now you are going to become a mother yourself and further carve out a life for you, she does not like this because she is losing control of and over you. Toxic parents generally behave even worse when their own offspring become parents themselves. Your mother if she has a narcissistic personality thrives on drama; its what she lives for as well as narcissistic supply.

Setting boundaries with your mother could be problematic mainly because she will not respect those. Also you've been trained by her not to have boundaries re her.

I would keep your as yet unborn child well away from your mother when he/she is born. Your mother is not an emotionally safe or healthy person to be at all around.

The anxiety is normal when considering no contact - and second nature in relationships with "difficult" parents! It's also normal to be anxious when pregnant. Combine these anxieties and the sleepless nights roll in.

You can only take one step at a time. Anxious people like to look ahead, even if ahead doesn't look good, because it makes you feel prepared. Anxious people also look back a lot, to examine what went wrong and how they can learn better for next time.

People with disordered parents are trained to be at fault, to be the reason things go wrong. Combine this with anxiety and you have a recipe for not only over thinking your life but also trying to blame yourself for it.

I still do a lot of the above but...give it time and see how your life improves with our negative, spiteful drama being an expected part of it. The drama will not stop altogether, it will keep rolling round from your mother. By going no contact you severely restrict how often it rolls round.

Imagine the change from dreading every phone call, being ready for trouble, trying to work out from her time of voice if you've done something wrong. Imagine your life with our these things, and it's like imagining peaceful, sun-filled meadows.

Obviously nothing is cut and dried, and I do admire people who can go no contact and never look back. I have a feeling you're not one of those. But it is still better to live life without the constant need for fear and adrenaline.

attila thank you I will have a look into that and maybe post on the other board too. And I know you are right about my mother not being emotionally safe to be around my baby. I don’t want my baby growing up with this.

This thread has been so helpful to me and made a safe place for me to sound off about everything. I’m so grateful to each and every one of you who has taken the time to post and give me advice. for all of you.

peekyboo that’s just made me cry a bit. It’s like you know me. You couldn’t have described me better.

I need to pull myself together a bit now. I won’t let this anxiety take over. I need to focus on my relationship with DP right now. It’s been tough for us lately with all this stress and I’ve had some pregnancy issues that have limited where I can go and what I can do.

I plan to just keep ignoring any messages etc from mum for the time being (though it will be a few more days I reckon before she tries contacting again) I’m not going to send the letter I wrote, it will feed the drama.

I once wrote out a set of long and detailed texts, as that was how we were communicating at the time. I told her everything she'd said she wanted to know - why I'd stopped contact, what I was thinking, feeling, what had happened between us. I told her things I'd held back for years. It took a lot for me to say all that and I felt like it was a truly positive thing, to let her see how everything had changed because of x,y,z.

I got hellfire and damnation back. Condemnation, vitriol, pure anger and vengeance. And blame for having skewed the whole of our relationship just to give me an excuse to ditch her.

peekyboo that’s a horrible way to be treated after opening your heart like that. I can imagine the outcome would probably be similar for me, though I’d like to believe there’s still some decency left in there.

It’s such a sad situation, and never how I wanted it to be. But I guess I just have to find a new normal now. Time will help, and I know she will always be there in the background trying to control things. I just have to be strong now.

I’ve got good friends and an extended family I can hopefully rely on. And I am a strong person, I just forget sometimes.

Reading through this an idea popped into my head. Answer every message with "mum, I love you." Nothing more, nothing less. She can hardly badmouth you then, can she???

sarahlou I don’t think we have said I love you to each other since I was 6 years old. It would certainly confuse her! She’d think I’d been hacked

Glad I made you smile! But seriously, read up on the broken record technique and find a group of pleasant, innocuous phrases you can use again and again - "sunny again today" "dying for a cuppa" etc, etc. Don't try to fight fire with fire, think laterally.

thanks sarahlou that sounds really interesting, I’ll have a look into that. It sounds similar to grey rock, which I have used many times with her in the past (before I even knew what it was really). Thank you

I’ve had a week of calm and no contact. It’s been nice to not be blamed and have to choose sides. She’s not messaged or contacted me at all, and I’ve kept my distance too.

I know it won’t last, and she will eventually contact me but right now I feel calm.

Things won’t ever be the same between us again, she’s taken it too far this time. It makes me sad to think how different things could have been, and it’s a shame, but my mum won’t change and I don’t want my baby growing up with all the drama and guilt trips and the weight of the world on her shoulders like I did.

It’s made me very bitter, and I hate that. I get really annoyed when I even watch tv and see someone crying with no tears to try and manipulate sympathy like my mum does. Or people behaving in a controlling way in work. I need to deal with these feelings really

I’ve had a few good chats with my MIL and SIL and they have both been lovely. It’s so nice to have people to talk to who genuinely care, and who ring up to see how appointments or meetings went.

I’m back again.
I’m having a tough day and just wanted to get it out really, I don’t expect replies, I know this thread is a few weeks old now

I’ve still not heard from parents, it’s almost two weeks now. It’s nice to not have to get involved in mums games or listen to her criticism. But it hurts. It hurts that they don’t care how I’m doing. It hurts that they know I can’t get out at the moment due to spd and they haven’t been to visit at all in the last three months I’ve been off work, apart from one time when they came to cause trouble because they were supposed to waiting home for my brother. It hurts that all the emotional and practical support I’ve given them over the years is all forgotten now that I could do with some myself.

I’m so fed up and lonely and bored. When my DP works, I am literally housebound at the moment. The pain is so bad I can’t get out alone even with crutches, and I can’t drive at the moment. I can’t afford taxis all the time because I’m trying to save for my maternity leave. I only go out with my DP on his days off. I’m so isolated and none of my own flesh and blood care. The only people who visit or contact me are my DP’s family.

I’m just feeling sorry for myself today. DP is off tomorrow so at least I’ll have company and might be able to get out somewhere.

Sorry for moaning I just needed to get that out.

Moaning is good. It helps to do so. Im so sorry you are in so much pain and they haven't bothered to contact but glad you have had peace from them.

How have your dp and his family been? Supportive?

Yes DP and his family are amazing. They are amazing. They genuinely care about me and it’s a strange concept to me!

I just worry that if anything happened between me and DP and we broke up I would lose my whole support system. It makes me feel quite vulnerable, and I hate feeling like that. I hope that’s just the pregnancy hormones making me feel like that though, I try not to really think about it.

Try not to dwell right now OP. Just enjoy the support. Look at building a circle of people through NCT, baby groups and the like. Maybe reconnect with good friends?

Sadly since your family are toxic i suspect they wouldnt be support then anyway, they would just drag you down. Better no support then their behaviour.

Do you have many rl friends? My friend's are so important to me. Once you're able to get out maybe you could meet up with people. Or why not invite friends over for a cuppa and bring cake?

Weeping just seen you've said similar

Good minds CuriousMama

When I was on bed rest and bored out of my mind I found it helpful to have small baby related projects to work on. I had no attention span because of the boredom and the worrying, but having things I could flip between was helpful.

Have you started making lists of names yet? That's good for hours of internet surfing! If you make photo books online, great time to catch up before baby comes. Do people here send out birth announcements? Either design some online, or if you're crafty make them yourself.

I also had a difficult mother and found the grey rock technique most helpful, and contact only once a week.

Good luck

Thanks guys
weeping angels and. curiousmama thanks, I do have two very close friends, but it’s usually me who travels to them because they don’t drive, and they live close together in my home city and I live half an hour drive away or two trains. But they have major stuff going on in their own lives right now, and aren’t free as much right now. We chat and text, but it’s not the same as seeing them. I seen them both a couple of weeks ago though and it was lovely and once I can get there it will be easier again. I have a few other friends too who I’m not as close to but usually meet for lunch or coffee or something. But once I can get out again DP or MIL can have baby and I’ll be there!

craftyyankee thank you for the practical ideas I have printed loads of photos because I love doing photo albums and got those back up to date. I like doing crafty things too and I’ve made some Christmas cards (yes in August lol) But I find my attention span isn’t great at the moment so I’m just sitting staring at blank card lol. But once i get “in the zone” I can make loads.

Thanks everyone I was just having a bit of a pity party yesterday. I’m an over thinker, and I hate to have no idea what the future looks like. What will happen at Christmas now, what will my baby miss out on, will I see much of extended family who I only usually only seen at my mums. Etc etc. I just couldn’t turn my brain off, and needed a bit of love and support really. My DP has been amazing. He’s not a romantic person at all really but he was so sweet last night and made me feel good about myself again.

Thanks everyone