Desperate - please help

[GJA2018]

I work full time and my husband works shifts, we juggle childcare between us. The issue is he has a drink problem and he keeps drinking and falling asleep during the day when he's looking after the kids. My DS is 14 and my DD is 10, when I complain about his lack of parenting he brushes me off and says they're fine. Just now I had my 10 year old crying down the phone saying she feels sick and dad has passed out on the sofa. He was meant to go shopping but there's no food in the house for lunch. I ended up calling my MIL and asking her to pick up my daughter (which he will go mad about!!). My 14 year old was upset because he didn't want to go to my MIL's house but there's nothing to eat in the house. I just feel so frustrated, I've already been spoken to at work because I'm distracted and my daughter calls me at work all the time. I need to work but I'm so torn, if I suggest asking someone to help out with the kids hubby blows up and gets angry and says I'm being a drama queen and making a fuss and says the kids are fine. The 14 year old might be quite happy to stare at his tablet all day but my DD needs an adult to look after her and just do stuff with her. I am considering leaving by the way because I know this is a huge problem but it's not something you can do over night. For now, I need to work out how I'm going to get through the summer holidays when he is meant to be doing most of the childcare. I've considered asking the doctor to sign me off with stress (which I am definitely suffering from and currently on meds) but then it puts pressure on my work colleagues. I just feel so trapped and desperate, I don't know what to do.

Hi GJA2018 your post could have been written about my father when I was growing up. He was a functioning alcoholic and, like all addicts, would drastically minimise his behaviour and say that my DSis and I were perfectly fine when in fact we weren't as he was either passed out drunk or conscious and drunk and couldn't care for us either way. This situation must be so stressful for you knowing he's at home and isn't taking care of your DC's as a decent father would and should. I expect it is also very stressful for your DC's, they are to young to be having to effectively look after themselves and their DF (so many things could happen with him being so drunk he's passing out in the middle of the day). My DF tripped over a chair and broke his ribs, how are your DC's meant to cope if something like that (or worse) happens while you're at work?
If you've spoken to him about this and he is brushing off your concerns and getting defensive maybe you need to speak to him a bit more forcefully about it? (I'm not saying get shouty or anything just lay down some serious home truths). Really explain the impact his alcoholism (which is what it is) is having on you all and that this isn't something that can just be swept under the carpet? Potentially tell him that he will need to leave (trial separation?) if he can't get his head in the parenting game and get some help for his drinking, which he absolutely needs to do. I think speaking to your Dr and getting some stress leave sounds like a good idea that way you could be at home with the kids for a while, try to work through some of your stress and see if you can convince your DH to get some help. You've got a long road ahead of you OP, like you said it's not something you can do overnight. I hope it works out for you.
Sending you

I feel for you, he is not safe to be looking after the kids when he is like that. It is a safe guarding issue. Find someone else to look after the kids until he will stop drinking aorund them. Not only is he showing them alcohol is more important than them, he is showing them you deal with your issues by drinking.

You tell him tonight you have reached your rope, the kids should not see him in such a state and he needs to sort himself out or you divorce. You should not have to live like that and your kids should have a functioning reliable adult to care for them when you are not around. He is passed out on the sofa at lunchtime when he has kids in his care. Is this a common occurance because it isn't normal?

I have a lot of experience with alcohol problems within my family and with my ex. It will only get worse unless he deals with it, and he will only do that when he decides he wants to. In the meantime you have to make the kids your priority. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but its the brutal truth.

Ulitmatum time, and make sure he knows it. You would be better off apart until he ceases to drink at all.

So sorry to read what you and your children are going through.

You can't change him and if he won't admit there's a problem, he won't change.

So you could try giving him an ultimatum that if he doesn't stop drinking now, you will leave the relationship. I think you need to have a plan in place though, as sadly it's unlikely he will stop.

But if you do give an ultimatum, you MUST follow through or he will think he has carte blanche to do what he wants for ever more because he will assume any threat you make is an empty one.

It's a rotten environment for children to grow up in, leaving lifelong issues. Been there. Please rescue your children from this. Lots of people here will support you.

OP I really feel your pain, my sister is / was an alcoholic and my nephew is only 8 (6 when things were at thier very worst) and she would pass out for whole afternoons and he couldn't wake her.

If you can financially cope then see if the doctor will sign you off for stress so you can get organised and make a plan. You need to make sure you and your children are priority, if he is an alcoholic he won't change until he wants to regardless of what you say to him.

Have you spoke to anyone at work? Are they supportive? I was very lucky in that respect that my boss helped me alot with my situation.

There are support groups you can contact for advise aswell such as Al-Anon they are really good with families of addicts and the like.

If I can help or give you any more advise please just shout back - I truly understand how hard this is for you.

Thank you pudding21 and RivanQueen, what you say makes a lot of sense and I'm glad it's not just me that thinks his behaviour is not acceptable. He is in denial about his drinking and I know that nothing is going to improve until he gets some help. I'll talk to him tonight if he's in a fit enough state and go from there. Will talk to the doctor too because I'm actually feeling physically sick and dizzy just thinking about my situation. I appreciate your replies so much, thank you.

Thank you HelenUrth and Horsesforcourses23, I know what you're saying is right. I have threatened to leave before but he tells me that the children would be devastated and somehow talks me round. I know that I'm being manipulated but the thought of actually leaving fills me with dread and seems like such a mountain to climb. I think ultimately it's the right thing to do though.

My sister had her child removed by social services because she wasn't fit to care for him (she is a bingey alcoholic and they were escalating). She is now sober for a while and having to fight for unsupervised access again. The damage on my nephew is obvious. If the social workers became involved and know you are complicit in leaving the kids when he is like that, they might not be so favourable on you either. I am not trying to scare you but it is reality.

Has it got worse recently?

As a PP has said - please do contact Al-Anon.
They can help support you and your DC.
Living with an alcoholic must be awful.
But he is not fit to look after his kids.
Well done on calling MIL.
He needs a big wake up call.
And only HE can do this.

In reality your 14 year old is looking after your 10 year old everytime he’s passed out drunk. It’s really not ok or normal for him to be drinking the amount he does. The only way he might get help is when he hits rock bottom. Right now, he has no incentive to change.

Can you not talk to your ILs, explain the situation and ask them for help with the DC? DH won't be pleased at them being drawn into it but tough. Tell them it's so bad you're thinking of leaving.

DH finally woke up and called me in a rage, demanded that I call MIL and take DS back home. Obviously I refused. As I knew he would, he says he was only asleep and I'm making a big fuss about nothing and the kids are fine. Kept telling me I'm being ridiculous.

The drinking has been going on for quite a few years now, I moved out for a couple of days back in January after he was found drunk in the street by DS's school caretaker while I was at work! He promised to get help, started going to AA but he's stopped and gone back to saying it's not a problem.

Oh dear, I'm sorry. It sounds like you haven't much option then, you need to look after yourself and your kids.

Hopefully your in laws will be supportive. Maybe he could stay with them for a while or permanently?

Whatever happens, don't accept any victim blaming, this is not your fault! Your husband is responsible for his behaviour but probably won't accept it.

It's a good thing your children are 10 and fourteen and not six and four but it's awful nonetheless.

Speak to him calmly and tell him he must not drink when he is in charge of the kids. Try to get him to address his drink problem, he may well think he doesn't really have one. Don't be too hard at first, there may well be underlying depression and booze is a real anaesthetic.

However if he doesn't buck his ideas up, get rid. Easier said than done but possible.

What caring mother leaves her children in the care of a drinking (or any) alcoholic?

Someone needs to call Social Services.

@persephone2013 - That's a very horrible thing to say. The OP is clearly trying to do her best. You clearly can't have any experience of the situation, or infact any empathy what so ever. If you did you would understand how awful that situation truly is. The OP called her MIL immediately to collect the children and is clearly trying to make a plan.

What do you suggest she does? Any useful suggestions apart from writing something nasty to make her feel crap?

My Mother was an alcoholic. It ruins children's lives. My father failed to protect me from her. He was sober, and therefore also to blame.

Well then you of all people should understand. It's an awful situation and she's doing her best!

Horses, The Mother knows the Father is an alcoholic and drinks excessively whilst in charge of the children. She knows he is not a suitable person to be in charge of children, and yet she lets this happen. This is not the first time he has been drunk in charge of the children. This is no surprise event. The Mother expects he will do this. Note too that the daughter is frequently ringing the Mother at work. She is not happy. Who chooses a childminder knowing they have a drink problem. See it from the child's point of view. Not that of the parents. The sober parent needs to step up and protect the children. The sober parent is the only parent these children can rely on. The non alcoholic parent needs to safeguard the children. If not who will....?

The Mother has to WORK and has to weigh up a whole sack of shit decisions. Unless you've lived with an alcoholic you cannot possibly understand how they bully you into accepting the unacceptable. The cognitive dissonance is crippling, especially when it's going on for years. Piss off if you can't stop attacking the OP. She knows what's going on, it's gone far enough that she's posting here for help.

I'd now get signed off sick OP and you MUST get him out. Get an alcoholic ex out was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. They know that this is rock bottom and for them it feels like a fight for their actually physical rock bottom. He won't go easily from any environment that allows him to drink in comfort. When you make him leave the home he knows that he will now have to turn his mind from drinking and he will do anything to avoid that. What does MIL say about all this? Mine just left us to it and moved away out of the country as fast as their little legs could carry them. Finally when enough was enough they just happened to be back in the country and had to pitch in to sort him out. We are divorced now thankfully and he's not my problem anymore but it cost me my mental health to get him out, I have never been the same since. Time to be ruthless OP. He will destroy you all otherwise.

That should be "fight fir their physical survival"

Thank you @Horsesforcourses23 for your kind words and support. Believe me @persephone2013, if I could just up and leave I would. Our financial situation is not great, he was out if work for 18 months until recently so I need to work. My MIL lives close by and can be called on if necessary (like today) but shes getting old and she is my FIL's carer, my family live far away and most of my friends work. My son is adamant that he doesn't want to leave our home that he grew up in but DH refuses point blank to leave. Do you think I should leave my home with 2 children that don't want to go? Any practical advice would be gratefully received.

As someone who grew up with alcoholics , I have utter blame on my mum for not calling time on the marriage. I could have had a better childhood. She was the only one who could have changed it

Please sort it for your kids.

By the way, my dad died in the end. Alcohol related.

@HollyGibney, thank you for your message, I doubt myself, get manipulated, wonder if I'm going mad and despair of my situation every day. Can I ask how you got yours to leave? My in laws and friends have tried to persuade him that he should leave to sort himself out but he is so stubborn and will not go.

It's a horrific situation, and I feel for all of you. @Persephone and @flamingo, I do understand what you're both saying. I spent night after night thinking about my nephew and what to do and how to do it, but I did everything in my physical power to make sure my nephew was safe and I'm sure the OP is trying to do that, but she needs a plan first.

Op try and speak to some support groups etc and get as much support as you possibly can. They have normally access to legal people where they can give you advice on what to do. I would seriously consider doing what a PP said and getting signed off.

Also just as an after thought and maybe a but excessive but if you have any form of life or health insurance possibly contact them as occasionally rehab facilities are covered in those? But again that would only be an option if he wants to get help.

He stayed out for a few days drinking and when he came back had spent all the money for the month, he asked me for more and I register so he attacked me. I managed to call the police and they removed him. That was it. I never let him back again but I couldn't have done it without the police who served him a fortnights exclusion order so he couldn't return to the family home. It was very hard and things carried on being hard for a good few years. I felt obligated and guilty and I now know I should have been harder and ruthless as the only people I was obligated too were my children. Living with an alcoholic turns you inside out though. You can't think straight. I think I would be applying for a divorce in your shoes at that point he is going to have to address leaving the family home, either now or in the future.