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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Desperate - please help

39 replies

GJA2018 · 01/08/2018 13:41

I work full time and my husband works shifts, we juggle childcare between us. The issue is he has a drink problem and he keeps drinking and falling asleep during the day when he's looking after the kids. My DS is 14 and my DD is 10, when I complain about his lack of parenting he brushes me off and says they're fine. Just now I had my 10 year old crying down the phone saying she feels sick and dad has passed out on the sofa. He was meant to go shopping but there's no food in the house for lunch. I ended up calling my MIL and asking her to pick up my daughter (which he will go mad about!!). My 14 year old was upset because he didn't want to go to my MIL's house but there's nothing to eat in the house. I just feel so frustrated, I've already been spoken to at work because I'm distracted and my daughter calls me at work all the time. I need to work but I'm so torn, if I suggest asking someone to help out with the kids hubby blows up and gets angry and says I'm being a drama queen and making a fuss and says the kids are fine. The 14 year old might be quite happy to stare at his tablet all day but my DD needs an adult to look after her and just do stuff with her. I am considering leaving by the way because I know this is a huge problem but it's not something you can do over night. For now, I need to work out how I'm going to get through the summer holidays when he is meant to be doing most of the childcare. I've considered asking the doctor to sign me off with stress (which I am definitely suffering from and currently on meds) but then it puts pressure on my work colleagues. I just feel so trapped and desperate, I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

HollyGibney · 01/08/2018 20:38

What is your housing situation? Renting? Mortgage?

PookieDo · 01/08/2018 20:49

PLease call Al Anon, for advice and support. You need it too

This is something that is a bit daunting but have you considered pulling out the big guns of contacting social services or GP and telling them all of this? That you don’t know how to get him out, are concerned for yourself and children and actually ask them for help and support? I am wondering if there are any resources there who can help you - rather than waiting for an almighty explosion where the police have to become involved. It’s almost like you need to release this secret into the public - once it’s out, it’s out and people will help you. All he is doing is getting you to collude with his addiction by also hiding it.

PookieDo · 01/08/2018 20:50

PS am child of an alcoholic myself
If he wasn’t sleeping he just left us in pub gardens for hours. It was shit. Don’t recall getting much food either. Was a secret that helped no one

HollyGibney · 01/08/2018 20:51

I agree with Pookie and wish I had done this. I tried to keep everything under control for so long and it wasn't something that could be controlled. In the end it exploded and everyone became involved anyway and it was just a horrendous situation all round.

HelenUrth · 01/08/2018 21:19

OP, it's difficult, but you're basically the only adult here. Your husband is not behaving like a responsible parent. Your son, I'm afraid, doesn't get to keep you all in the house - if you need to go with the children for your sanity, then that's what you have to do. The poor lad has already been badly affected by his home situation, it has to change now - and you're the only one who can do it.

Tell people what's going on. The trouble with alcoholism is it's this big secret, people are embarrassed to talk about what's going on in their home. Please take this step, you'll be amazed at how helpful people can be.

Nothing will change until you change something.

persephone2013 · 01/08/2018 21:20

OP, Have you tried Al-Anon, which is an association for the family and friends of Alcoholics. There are regular meetings. (It is, of course anonymous, and what is said in their meetings, stays there). Those attending will have experiences such as yours, and some will have solved similar problems. They can share experiences and solutions with you, without offering advice. You appear to urgently need the support of those who understand your problems. Your children might benefit hugely from attending Al-Ateen.

You might do well to consult a solicitor specialising in Family Law about getting your husband to leave the family home.

Sometimes, when the alcoholic realises you are serious and that you have taken these steps, he or she will be shocked into addressing their addiction, some times not.

Wishing you well OP.

Original poster

GJA2018 · 01/08/2018 21:39

Thank you everyone, I've spoken to HR at work and I'm taking the rest of this week off. Thankfully they're pretty understanding. I'll explore all the options suggested over the next couple of days including Al-Anon and possibly citizens advice. I can't afford a solicitor although I've had a quick look and some offer a free initial meeting. As you say persephone, maybe if he realises I'm serious about leaving he will get some help? I know that might not happen though. I totally understand what everyone has said about getting my DC out of the situation. It would break my heart if they resented me for not leaving so I guess I might have to live with some short term resentment if we have to move out. It's a no win situation and I desperately want to do the right thing.

OP posts:

Hidingtonothing · 01/08/2018 23:42

What DC need is to be taken out of this situation and protected from their DF's addiction, obviously you can't click your fingers and make that happen instantly but that's what I would be working towards. Kids aren't always equipped to know what's best for them, that's your job and if leaving is the best way to get them away from your H then whether DS is initially happy about that is neither here nor there tbh.

Have you told work and/or your GP exactly what's going on? I'm just thinking it would be good to have it documented somewhere just in case. I very much doubt your H has the wherewithal to fight you over residency for DC but from what you've said it might appear he is main caregiver on the face of it so having his issues on record might be useful later on.

There will be a wealth of info from posters here about practical stuff, housing, finances, benefits etc if you need it so make sure you ask if you get stuck. You have a hard road ahead but it will at least have an end point whereas staying as you are could drag on for decades. You and DC deserve a better life than that

Changedname220 · 01/08/2018 23:54

Been where you are and it’s really really hard.
What do your in laws say about all this just out of interest ? Could they speak to him? Could he go and live there with them for a while?

If not and I know this sounds really bloody underhand but when he’s drunk and all this is going on is there the chance he will kick off and become aggressive etc? In which case call the police when he does and get him arrested. Then apply for the appropriate court orders to keep him out. Women’s aid can advise. It sounds horrible but it might be the only window of opportunity to get this man out . X

HelenaHB · 02/08/2018 01:32

Kids aren't always equipped to know what's best for them, that's your job and if leaving is the best way to get them away from your H then whether DS is initially happy about that is neither here nor there tbh.

Exactly. A 10 and 14 year old don't know what's best for them. You're going to have to be the short term bad guy in order to save your family. I hope you're able to get some answers and solid advice while you're off this week. x

JustlikeDevon · 02/08/2018 01:40

Op, as a school safeguarding officer, if your children's schools found out what was happening they would have a duty of care to report this. I'm surprised the caretaker did not- he should have. Don't let someone else take the decision out of your hands, do something and quickly.

Original poster

GJA2018 · 03/08/2018 16:47

Quick update, H has agreed to do residential rehab. Will cost about £5k but worth it to fix our family. Your advice was the push I needed to tell him how serious things were and that I wouldn't be putting up with it anymore so thank you.

OP posts:

Horsesforcourses23 · 03/08/2018 18:07

Good it's a step in the right direction! I'll keep everything crossed for you, but remember you can always post back if you need support or just to rant x

pudding21 · 07/08/2018 15:17

GJA2018: please to hear your update. For what its worth, my sister had a battle with alcohol for years and years, slowly escalating and in the end got so bad social services stepped in. She has been to rehab once in the past, but this time I think she knew it was now or never. She has only been sober a few months, but is doing really well and convinced she does not want to drink again. it is the most positive I have seen her.

Fingers corssed he gets the coping mechanisms he needs, and your kids see him trying to get help. He needs to know you will support him, but you won;t tolerate the drinking again. Good luck to all of you.

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