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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Work colleague being too flirty....

30 replies

help8767 · 01/08/2018 13:36

I started a new job recently and as a part of my training I had a week away. This week was spent with a male colleague who works in the same area. We spent a lot of time together, at work and evening meals.
Half-way through the week he started to become very flirty, very over-friendly. At first, in all honesty, I was flattered by the attention and would laugh the comments off... but since returning from the trip, the comments have become more and more flirtatious. I am now getting messages to my phone. Often, the messages are general chit-chat about how the day is going/ work related things but every now and again they become too flirty for me to be comfortable. I have replied with emojis and changed the subject but I'm worried he thinks I am interested?!
My colleague is single, and I am happily married, as I have told him, but this has not changed anything. I am worried that I have let it get too far but I don't know how to stop it now. I love my job and don't want this to effect work/ the future of my job at all! I also don't want my husband to think I want any of this. Any advice?

OP posts:
Bombardier25966 · 01/08/2018 13:38

In what way are they too flirty?

Have you tried saying "I'm happy to hear from you but only on work matters"?

Guest2025 · 01/08/2018 13:40

Have you spoken to your husband?

Original poster
help8767 · 01/08/2018 13:40

The last message said he wanted to kiss me..... I'm cringing even writing that!!

I have explained that I am happily married and have tried ignoring the messages too :(

OP posts:
Original poster
help8767 · 01/08/2018 13:41

I've told my husband that he has been contacting me but not about the flirty messages... I know he trusts me, but I work away a lot and I would hate to put any seed of doubt in his mind

OP posts:
Guest2025 · 01/08/2018 13:41

Ah fuck he’s gone way too far then!

I think it’s time to be blunt

Original poster
help8767 · 01/08/2018 13:46

I think so..... I'm so worried about how this will effect work, we are going to have to work on big projects together in the future, and have more time away just the two of us. It's stressing me out!!

OP posts:
Guest2025 · 01/08/2018 13:47

It’s a shame this is your worry :( you haven’t done anything wrong, he’s the one trying to score a married woman

Original poster
help8767 · 01/08/2018 13:51

Thank you for your replies! :)
I keep telling myself that, but I keep going over every conversation wondering if I have done something to lead him on/ think it's ok. I am being stupid really, but because I haven't said anything to previous messages, I'm kicking myself for letting it get this far...

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 01/08/2018 13:51

I would message him saying that the messages he’s sent you are making you uncomfortable and you don’t feel the same, you’re happily married and you do not want him to text you any more. From then ignore all messages and consider blocking him.
Then in the office remain polite; if makes comments at work tell him he’s making you uncomfortable and you don’t want to report it but will if it continues. Hopefully he will back completely off and leave you to it.
I’d speak to your husband about it too; explain it fully and he should understand.

AgathaF · 01/08/2018 13:51

You need to be blunt with him and tell him to stop, and that you're not interested. You just can't risk this carrying on and your DH seeing messages and misunderstanding.
If he doesn't stop then you might need to contact either your line manager or HR about him.

Shoxfordian · 01/08/2018 13:52

Send him a clear message

"I've noticed your messages are very flirty and I do not appreciate it. I'm happily married and am not interested in you. Please refrain from texting me unless it's connected to work"

If he carries on then go to HR

Your husband could be a support for you as long as he's not going to overreact or be jealous. Consider telling him.

Original poster
help8767 · 01/08/2018 13:54

Thank you - you've all made me feel better. I think I just need to take a few deep breathes and then take control of the situation! I hate confrontation!

OP posts:
YourVagesty · 01/08/2018 14:01

If you don't feel comfortable being blunt, you could create some distance by mentioning your husband at every possible opportunity?

So if he texts in the evening asking what are you up to, tell him that you and your husband are going for a romantic meal. If he starts a conversation in work, shoe-horn your husband into the chat, etc. If he doesn't get the message from that then i'm afraid you'll have to be blunt.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 01/08/2018 14:02

You don't need to reference being flirty or say you're not interested. It's gone way past anywhere vaguely appropriate.

I'd be strong but measured and literally just say that the messages are inappropriate and are making you uncomfortable and could he cease sending them immediately.

That way it cannot be misconstrued and he cannot jump on anything he disagrees with in an attempt to divert.

CointreauVersial · 01/08/2018 14:15

Ugh....I had one of those. A nice guy, but newly single and clearly on the market. It started out as banter, but the emails became increasingly flirty and suggestive, a mention of going out for a drink.....

I dealt with it in the same way YourVagesty mentioned - I basically waffled on about my gorgeous husband at every opportunity. If I received any overly flirty messages I just completely ignored them, or responded with a work issue. Eventually, he gave up, and we do still have a good working relationship (this was important, because fundamentally he's a good guy, just got a bit carried away).

BUT he never stepped over the line and said things like wanting to kiss me - I have to say, in that instance I would have probably gone for the direct approach, but maintaining professionalism.

As others have said, you have done nothing wrong.

Vampyress · 01/08/2018 14:36

You don't have to be aggressive in your shut down with him from a fear of the confrontation, just a simple "I appreciate it if any future contact was strictly putonic or work related as I am happily married and have no interest in anything further.".

Such a shitty and unprofessional situation to put someone in. Hopefully the guy backs off and doesn't behave like a dick over the rejection and if he does then I would flag it with HR and discuss with your husband. As others have said you have done nothing wrong Flowers

HazelBite · 01/08/2018 14:54

Same as pp something similar happened to me, I ignored his overtures and at every opportunity waffled on about my terrific fiancee and how great our relationship was etc etc, he gave up in the end.

HollowTalk · 01/08/2018 14:57

I would block him when it's not working hours (assuming you need to be in contact by phone then.) I'd go to work and tell him that if your husband had seen that message he would've been furious with both of you. Tell him that you are not interested in that kind of relationship and if he says anything - ever - remotely like that again, you're going to HR.

Original poster
help8767 · 01/08/2018 15:15

Thank you Flowers

I think I was just having a bit of a panic... everything was finally going well with work and the hubby so didn't want that to change!

I am going to tell my husband tonight, I think I would want to know if he was in the same situation. Then, I'm going to ignore the messages outside of work hours and mention my other half at every opportunity Hmm.... :)

OP posts:
AgathaF · 01/08/2018 15:50

Good starting plan but be prepared to take it further and speak to your manager or HR. His behaviour is really pushing boundaries.

CointreauVersial · 01/08/2018 16:08

I only think you need to go to HR if he persists after you've made it clear his advances are unwelcome, or if it is really making you uncomfortable. Hopefully he'll get the message and back off.

TattyCat · 01/08/2018 17:42

In this situation, I'd ask myself what, if the roles were reversed and it was my DH being chased in this way, would I want him to do about it. How would you want your DH to react? That is what you need to do.

BlingLoving · 01/08/2018 17:51

I am not sure I understand why you feel that you have to be gentle about this. There's no need to be aggressive, of course, but I don't think you have to be subtle. Asking to kiss you is not exactly subtle on his part. I'm afraid I find it incredibly frustrating that you are worried about your working relationship and long term issues while he is happily confident he can say and do whatever he wants and it will have no impact.

I would send him a message telling him firmly that you are not interested and to please stop sending any messages that are flirty or sexual in nature. I would also keep all the messages, including your response, so that you are prepared to go to HR if necessary to report sexual harassment. He may not be your boss, but he is banking on the fact that you don't feel you can challenge him because you have to work together so he is behaving in a way that suits only him.

I also think you should have told your husband immediately. The longer you hide it, the more it feels like you were colluding (which you weren't). Be prepared for him to want to see the messages. Make it clear you are FURIOUS with this colleague and that you've really struggled with how to handle it without causing problems at work.

Ohyesiam · 01/08/2018 17:55

It’s not confrontation, it a boundary. It’s really ok for you to say no to something you don’t want, why wouldn’t it be?
Be clear, be polite, but say no thanks. The longer it goes on the worse it will be.
You’ve done nothing wrong, most people would be flattered, but you need to be clear now.

thedevilinablackdress · 01/08/2018 18:10

I'd reply to that last one with "Are you drunk?! FFS knock it off."