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Original poster

An old friend, now engaged, declared he still has feelings...what would you do?

49 replies

lizzedays · 01/08/2018 09:37

I'll call him Alex.

Known Alex for most of my life. We had an on and off relationship, which was on and off due to geography. We were very young when we started seeing each other. I then moved away and met someone, he did too.

He's been engaged for 6 months and due to be married next year. He said he wants to see me, that he loves his fiance but the unfinished part between us is still there for him and he doesn't want to get married without first meeting to see how strong these feelings really are.

I have feelings for him too and weeks before he got engaged I nearly contacted him. When he messaged I was surprised but felt the same way.

Would you meet him? I've only told one friend and all she said was it was better we did that now than when he's married and we should address it asap. I'm not sure.

OP posts:
whingeyarse · 01/08/2018 09:39

he's a duplicitous shit. I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/08/2018 09:43

He is an ex for good reason; it did not work out. What feelings do you have for him; were these at all apparent before he made contact with you?.

No I would not meet him; he is as the previous poster wrote duplicitous in the extreme. He has no respect for either you or his unfortunate fiancé whatsoever.

RatRolyPoly · 01/08/2018 09:46

The only person I'd consider telling about this right now is his fiancee.

LikeIDo1 · 01/08/2018 09:48

I think either way it's a shitty thing to do to his fiancée tbh. I get that he feels there is unfinished business and it is better that he is addressing this before marrying someone, however, which ever way it pans out there is a fiancée out there who's partner is going to hurt her.

If you meet and find your love is rekindled then he then has to break it off with his partner and hurt her.

If you meet and find it isn't going to work out then he then has to either go back to his fiancée and say nothing (which is shitty because she should know that's she's about to marry someone who just went off to meet a past love to see if there's a spark) or he tells her and she will probably break it off anyway.

If you two think he could just meet you to see "if there is anything to rekindle " then go off and say nothing to his fiancée and marry her then I think perhaps you deserve each other because it's a really crappy thing to do.

I wouldn't meet him because he's engaged to someone else. If he thinks he may have feelings for you then he should break it off with his current partner and then see if there is anything between you. He can't just keep her in reserve until he establishes whether you two have a thing between you. That's him just having his cake and eating it!

Echobelly · 01/08/2018 09:57

I agree with poster above, he's trying to have a 'Plan B', which is not fair on anyone. He doesn't care about you so much that he couldn't go off an get engaged to someone else.

SunflowerJo08 · 01/08/2018 10:08

This is going to sound so brutal but he is using you, he has absolutely no morals and you need to believe that you are worth way, way more than that. Your friend should be telling you to tell him where to stick it. What a horrendous way to treat his fiancé. Imagine how gutted you would feel if you were engaged and your fiancé contacted his ex for what is basically just one last fling. You're going to come out of this really, really hurt unless you tell him to get lost.

PamsterWheel · 01/08/2018 10:15

Either he's got pre wedding jitters or his finance has and he senses it.

He's testing the waters. If he's the nervous one he wants to know if he's still got it. If she's jittery and he tjinks she might back.out you're plan B.

Or maybe you are really meant to be together and it's now or never

StormTreader · 01/08/2018 10:20

He wants a final shag before he gets married.

SuperSuperSuper · 01/08/2018 10:22

I understand the "unfinished business" thing. I understand wanting to clear it up before the marriage begins. I understand why he's torn.

I'm just worried that meeting up won't necessarily clarify things for him - it could make him more confused - and he'll end up stringing you both along and then marrying her anyway.

Protect yourself. Tell him you don't go out with men who are engaged (this is true, after all). Wish him and his wife-to-be well for the future, and steer clear.

Verbena87 · 01/08/2018 10:31

I had a slightly similar situation - got together with current partner then a previous bit of ‘unfinished business’ confessed to having feelings for me. Had fancied him for ages and we met for coffee once - all innocent except it unsettled me.

When we planned to meet again my housemates at the time locked the door and said “er, what the fuck are you doing? Think!” - am so grateful. There’s a reason relationships end, even if some feelings are left over. I was meeting up to boost my ego, and enjoying the drama of the situation and that’s never a good place to start.

Am now happily married to my partner and last time I saw old flame he’d grown up into a slimy arrogant person I didn’t even want to be near. Boys who announce they still have feelings at inconvenient moments do it because they like drama, and are best ignored.

If he does really not love his fiancée enough he needs to deal with that first - you are not litmus paper, you’re a human being! And how about if he sees you and thinks ‘Naah, actually will stick with what I have” - you’ll feel rejected, you’ll know he’s in two minds about fiancée which is awkward, you’ll no longer be able to respect him (and you’ll be right)

SunflowerJo08 · 01/08/2018 10:34

Why did the relationship end in the first place?

MagicFajita · 01/08/2018 10:36

I'd stay away. It's a mess and you don't want to be a part of it.

Original poster
lizzedays · 01/08/2018 10:38

it ended because i moved away. we were very young. we kept in touch ever since and there was the odd 'moment' between us!!! so nothing dramatic, no big reason for ending, just being young and free and living in different places.

i do agree with what people are saying though. it is messy. i just wish we had done this sooner and now it's too complicated.

OP posts:
Clairetree1 · 01/08/2018 10:38

no, don't see him.

he doesn't get to compare the two of you, how demeaning.

What he does is he thinks carefully about his current relationship, and decide if he is committed to it or not, regardless of you, irrespective of seeing you.

If not, he breaks it off.

THEN you could meet up, if you wanted to.

if he decides he is committed to his fiance, then you steer clear for the next 10 years....

MeanTangerine · 01/08/2018 10:38

Run to the hills. He wants one last shag before settling down, is all.

Verbena87 · 01/08/2018 10:44

“ it is messy. i just wish we had done this sooner and now it's too complicated.”

Exactly this. Bit of a shame, but the moment’s long gone.

Every man I’ve felt wistful about has eventually turned into a “thank goodness I didn’t saddle myself with that!” Over the years. Wait til you find a relationship that just feels obviously, comfortably, unambiguously right and then give it all you’ve got. Life’s too short and you’re too valuable to settle for less.

LikeIDo1 · 01/08/2018 10:46

You've got to think what if you two did meet and hit it off again? Would he then go back and break it off with his girlfriend? Then what if, after the initial nostalgia and excitement wore off, he realised that actually it should have been left in the past because you're both not young and free anymore? Would he then hold regrets for not marrying that other lady?

He's shown you who he is; someone who is willing to go behind his fiancées back to see if an old flame still has some fire! Run girl...

Some people should be left in the time period we left them in. That way we can look back with fondness. What was right then whilst you were both very young is probably very different now you're adults.

Guest2025 · 01/08/2018 10:47

He's a dick. He's asked a woman to marry him. And now he's doing this/ You can't say he's a man with morals eh?

DN4GeekinDerby · 01/08/2018 10:59

I'd ask what his fiancee has to think about it before considering anything else. If he's planning to do all this feeling investigation behind her back, is he really the kind of guy you want a relationship with?

If you really want, go out for a meal or an event all together, including the fiancee as well as a few others if possible. Let him figure it out in full view of everyone.

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 01/08/2018 11:04

If he's not 100% sure he wants to marry the person he's engaged to, he needs to finish it.

Then if he still wants to get in touch with you, (presuming you're available and interested) you could meet up.

He's just hedging his bets. Put yourself in her shoes - how would you want a fiance to behave?

FuckPants · 01/08/2018 11:13

Tell him to get lost.

SandyY2K · 01/08/2018 11:27

Actually...I'd meet up with him in your position if I had feelings.

It's best now before he's married.

MyOtherProfile · 01/08/2018 11:31

Do you want to give him a chance to see if he likes you more than his fiancée? What if he weighs it all up when he sees you again and decides you're 2nd best, which is basically what he is trying to decide.
Or what if he decides you're #1 but then meets someone else who he thinks may rate higher than you? If he isn't sure then he should call off his wedding first and be fair to his fiancée then he can be free to think about someone else.

waterandlemonjuice · 01/08/2018 11:34

Everyone is right! Don't see him.

LellyM · 01/08/2018 11:37

I had an ex suddenly get in touch (thanks social media!) and start saying how he missed the old days and would like to meet up again. As he is married with a couple of kids I did point out that I thought his messages were inappropriate and what would his wife say if she knew.

Never heard another word..... So I'd agree with everyone - don't do it!

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