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Relationships

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Original poster

An old friend, now engaged, declared he still has feelings...what would you do?

49 replies

lizzedays · 01/08/2018 09:37

I'll call him Alex.

Known Alex for most of my life. We had an on and off relationship, which was on and off due to geography. We were very young when we started seeing each other. I then moved away and met someone, he did too.

He's been engaged for 6 months and due to be married next year. He said he wants to see me, that he loves his fiance but the unfinished part between us is still there for him and he doesn't want to get married without first meeting to see how strong these feelings really are.

I have feelings for him too and weeks before he got engaged I nearly contacted him. When he messaged I was surprised but felt the same way.

Would you meet him? I've only told one friend and all she said was it was better we did that now than when he's married and we should address it asap. I'm not sure.

OP posts:

colditz · 01/08/2018 11:39

God no. YOu don't need to 'address' it. He's having a commitmentphobic moment and tbh it needs ignoring.

AveABanana · 01/08/2018 11:46

Chances are he's just asked his fiancee to marry him. So he's already decided he wants to spend the rest of his life with her, chosen a ring, planned his proposal, asked her in what he considered the most romantic way possible whether she would be his life - no one made him to that: he wanted to. And now he wants to meet up for a shag with you. This is not going to end well for anyone.

ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 01/08/2018 11:56

Fucking run. This guy is- at best- a weak minded individual or- at worst- looking for an affair. Fuck that.

letsdolunch321 · 01/08/2018 12:00

Stop stroking his ego and block the CF.

DontDrinkDontSmoke · 01/08/2018 12:03

Yuck what a scummy piece of crap he is.

Block and ignore. Or if you want to do his wife to be a favour, copy all his messages and send them to her.

HeddaGarbled · 01/08/2018 12:05

What would you wear to your interview? Will you get travel expenses if you are rejected for the role? Is it definitely a permanent post or just a short-term contract?

OVienna · 01/08/2018 12:08

He might be a dick, looking for a final shag, grass is greener, user, etc, everything terrible noted almost universally by PP on here.

But - he's not contacting you 6 months AFTER getting married.

People do call off engagements.

Of course it's not ideal.

This is really one of those situations where only you can say - you know the guy and know how YOU feel. Everyone is focusing on him and what he might want out of it/do next. What do YOU want?

I can understanding wanting closure and meeting up with him. If you can deal with the risk you might not get closure - that's the thing. It is all definitely very messy now but less so than a divorce later...

sagasleathertrousers · 01/08/2018 12:43

Why on earth did he propose then? I would be dubious...

TammySwansonTwo · 01/08/2018 12:43

If he decides to stay with her, he shouldn’t contact you again.

If he decides to end it and then take some time to sort his shit out, then maybe I’d meet up with him once he’s ready to move on. But if he acts like an arsehole then I’d steer well clear.

merville · 01/08/2018 13:10

And of course he's going to be upfront and honest with the woman he had proposed to and is engaged to about this?

And give her the opportunity to explore any 'might have beens', unresolved feelings she had for anyone else?

Somehow I don't think so.

If he had doubts of that level, he should not have proposed of he should now end the engagement. Not soyly, behind her back, contact other women and broach exploring unresolved feelings.

What would be think of a woman doing this to him?

merville · 01/08/2018 13:11

Slyly not soyly (wtf is soyly and why is it in my autocorrect)

merville · 01/08/2018 13:14

Whatever happens, he's not demonstrating much integrity or maturity - easy for some people to overlook in the 'romantic', drama of "someone isn't over me, I might be their one, he's engaged but he's still thinking of me.

MistressDeeCee · 01/08/2018 13:16

Oh do tell him to fuck off. There's nothing endearing about a man who wants to mess with your mind and get his leg over with you, before going on to marry someone else. Some 'friend' he is. Tell him to tell his fiancée how he feels and based on what she says, you'll take it from there🙄

LlamaPyjamas · 01/08/2018 13:28

Are you in a relationship? If so then you definitely can’t meet up with Alex. If you’re single then do what you like, but if he was that into you he wouldn’t have got engaged to someone else and would have moved heaven and earth to be with you. Not been on/off for years with no real interest in a proper relationship.

IMO he’s panicking about getting engaged and wants to play around a bit with someone who’s a safe option that he’s used before.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 01/08/2018 13:30

Will you get travel expenses if you are rejected for the role? Is it definitely a permanent post or just a short-term contract?

This comment above is very apt

I think the chance of meeting up ending up in a long-term relationship for you is almost zero.

We all have relationships that end for circumstantial reasons such as distance, and it's normal to wonder "what if" from time to time. This situation is not unusual.

Meeting up for coffee once is not going to "resolve" or "close" things, more likely it will make you both feel unsettled and uncertain and unsure if the feelings you do have are strong enough to make a decision.

I worry that meeting up will end up with you being hurt and messed around for a while you meet up/ talk to try and "reach a decision" (and not getting your travel expenses refunded as above!!).

If however you did decide to meet him I'd put a strict limit on meeting once and then telling him to end his relationship before you would engage further. You don't want to end up in a short term intense romance that ends in his marriage to his fiance.

CrispsAndDip · 01/08/2018 13:39

Why didn't he contact you before he got engaged?

Why did he ask someone to marry him if he still harboured feelings for you.

Isn't geography still a problem?

What about the person you are with now?

IrianOfW · 01/08/2018 13:44

"Hi Alex, that would be great! And it will be so nice to meet your fiancee'

mindutopia · 01/08/2018 13:47

If it was meant to be, it would have been. My dh and I met when we were young (early/mid 20s). We lived an 11 hour flight from each other on opposite sides of the world. Neither age nor geography kept us from being together because it worked and was right for us. If it had truly been right, you two would have found a way to make it right.

Frankly, you should be grateful you didn't, or you would have wound up with a guy who was out looking for one last fling with someone else 6 months before he was meant to marry you. Dodged a bullet with this one.

Vitalogy · 01/08/2018 14:14

I would but then I'm a romantic fool.

SpandexTutu · 01/08/2018 14:42

I’d be telling him that he needs to decide if he wants to marry his fiancé regardless of whether he’s with you. It cannot be your responsibility. Either he loves her or he doesn’t. That’s the decision he needs to make.
If he decides to stay with her, he shouldn’t contact you again.
If he decides to end it and then take some time to sort his shit out, then maybe I’d meet up with him once he’s ready to move on. But if he acts like an arsehole then I’d steer well clear.

This is the best advice here.

Sounds like a drama llama looking for a cowardly way to end the engagement...

Tiredspice2 · 01/08/2018 14:47

You are being naive and romanticising this by saying you have “unfinished business”. He probably wants one last fling before he gets married, so he would just be using you. His poor wife to be is marrying an utter selfish idiot.

merville · 01/08/2018 16:17

The more I think about it, it's an insult masquerading as a compliment - I'm not over you, I still have feelings for you, you might be the one, I can't commit without seeing if there's something with you .... I think your self esteem andd morals are low enough to accept my 'addresses' while I'm committed to another woman.

If your fiance was behaving like this what would you think of him?

Dandylie · 01/08/2018 16:39

I’d meet up with him if you really like him and think you might want to be with him long term. Just to talk. He’s not married yet and maybe you two were meant to be. It’s not ideal but better than if he were actually married.

Just don’t do anything more than talk.

Quangot · 01/08/2018 16:46

Tell him you are not interested while he is with someone else.

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