Unhappy husband needing advice

[FedUpFellaUK]

I’ve been unhappy with a few things in my marriage for many years. I briwng it up and we discuss but nothing ever changes. She doesn’t seem to think there are issues and is happy to carry on as we are which frustrates me.

In the last 12-24 months I’ve been under a huge amount of stress at work (I work for myself). She has been supportive, which is great but I can’t help but think it’s only because she sees me as a cash cow. I earn good money and she quit her career a couple of years ago and works part time in a job that’s a doddle for her and she finds it enjoyable.
We don’t have sex because she never initiates it and I’m fed up of getting rejected so I don’t bother. When we do have sex she’s just going through the motions and doesn’t enjoy it. I’ve gone through an emotional rollercoaster of thinking she’s having an affair but then I found out that she’s using sex toys on her own when I go out. She doesn’t know that I know.
So, in a nutshell, I earn money for our family and that’s all she needs me for.
I decided to have one more conversation with her, telling myself beforehand that if that didn’t work then I’d give up. It didn’t work. So maybe 6 months after that I decided to give her an ultimatum. I told her I’m still not happy and, if nothing changes, I need to end our relationship as we both deserve to be happy. She seemed upset and said things that made me think I’d finally got through to her. That was nearly 2 months ago and guess what? That’s right, nothing has changed and she’s never mentioned it since and I know she won’t bring this up ever.

There’s about 9 months left until my deadline is up. In that time we have 2 holidays booked. Summer holiday with her mother and winter holiday with another family with kids the same age as our kids. During the last conversation whene I gave the deadline to our marriage I told my wife that I would make the most of these two holidays before leaving. However, at night we get in bed, she falls asleep and I lie awake seething that she can just fall asleep without a care in the world whilst I lie there stressing over what this is going to do to our kids, our finances, etc. I don’t know if I can make it through the next 9 months.

I’ve had nights when I just wanted to get in my car with a bag of cash, drive into Europe and disappear. I’m only staying for my kids but we all know how that ends when couples get divorced. When she gets together with another man I won’t be able to stand the thought of seeing my kids every other weekend whilst some stranger gets to spend 13 out of 14 day’s with them. I can’t stand the thought of her being happy with another man when she doesn’t care enough to discuss our marriage and make it work. I can’t stand the thought of working in a stressful job and living in squaller whilst she remains in our family home. The entire thing just seems unfair so it’d be easier to just leave it all behind and start again.

Would love a women’s perspective and advice on this please.

If your marriage isn’t working, it’s the right thing to end it. The mindset you have isn’t quite right though, you end it with the kids in mind, not yourself or your wife. No-one wins here, least of all the kids, so it’s all about putting everything in place for them to lessen the long term damage this will do to them.
They need to be in their home, they need financial support, they need your wife, they need you, so whatever it takes, make it right for them.
New bloke or not, new lady for you or not, those kids come first. You could just as likely get a new lady and fuck off, most men I’ve known do exactly that. You’re even talking about just running away already. That’s not what your kids need, that’s the kind of thing that fucks them over for life.

It seems as though you would like to make your marriage work but its all one sided. Have you suggested going to Relate? Have you asked your wife how she feels about yr marriage? It may be that she checked out ages ago. Whatever you do please stay in contact with yr dcs. It's not their fault and they will suffer otherwise. Doesn't matter if yr dw meets someone else. You are still their dad and years with can't be undone.

Believe me, I’m thinking of doing the best for my kids. It’s hard to get everything across here but this has been going on a long time. The kids would stay in this house, that would be my decision, but I’m guessing the courts would decide my wife would get the house hence my comments. That’s if I could even bring myself to go to court and, as it stands, I couldn’t. I just don’t have it in me. I’d sooner walk away.

My mind has been everywhere with this trying to think of the best thing to do here. I’d even got to the point of thinking the best financial solution would be to kill myself so my kids will be set for life. I couldn’t ever do that to myself though, thank god, so then I thought about faking my death for the same outcome. It’s insane thoughts, I know, but you have to explore every option.

The easiest one for me and the kids is to just dissappear. Maybe I’m not like most but I know I couldn’t cope with hearing about them having a great day out with “new dad” or how great “new dad” is. If I’m not around it won’t be great for them but it’ll be a lot better than them seeing me fall apart emotionally and financially.

Sounds daft with me posting on here but there’s no way I could open up to a stranger. Maybe it’s because Relate would be F2F or I assume it would and I couldn’t do that. I know my wife couldn’t either. We’re both very similar in that respect. I’m on here discussing this because it’s easier than it would be do discuss with friends, relatives or guidance councillors. I know my friends will think I’m insane if they knew I was thinking of walking away from my wife let alone the kids so I can’t mention to them.

The entire thing just seems unfair so it’d be easier to just leave it all behind and start again.
Yes it would be easier. For you. Not for the kids. Who should be your priority since you brought them into the world.

Maybe your wife also feels like this but is staying and getting on with it in order to provide stability for the kids. Ask her.

What changes have you been asking her to make? Are they substantially different to how she has always behaved? Or something which used to happen but gradually changed due to kids/career etc.

You resent her having an easy part time job while yours is stressful, but I bet she quit her career because of the children and their/family needs. So it's unfair of you to hold resentment over this now, just because you think she's got an easier time of it.

I don't initiate sex now because when dh is tired he can't perform, which turns into a vicious cycle of him getting stressed and less able, me thinking it's because he doesn't want it enough, both being disappointed... He just sees it as me not taking the initiative because I'm not interested or can't be bothered. Whereas I don't want to feel vulnerable, disappointed and undesirable by him failing to perform, but I never know when he's feeling up for it/capable unless he makes the first move. Which he then resents. Maybe she's experienced something like this?

I'm sorry you're in this difficult situation. However whatever the outcome for your marriage, don't be the dick who puts your own feelings and jealousy over your kids. They're the only innocent ones in this. Have you thought about 50/50 shared custody. It could be 3 nights at yours, 4 nights at your wife's, or 7 nights with you, 7 nights with her. Put aside any bitterness towards your spouse and work what's best for the kids (and I would say the exact same thing to her too).

Posted just before your update. Tbh, you sound as if you would just rather walk away to avoid the responsibility and effort involved in changing things. Lots of words, but what realistic action have you taken?

I think any parent choosing to walk away not just in case parenting will be challenging but right at the time their kids will need them most could do with a dose of reality.

You and your DW have choices your DC will not, don't you see they won't care about some potential new partner of their mums if you split up?

They will most likely want and need mum & dad if possible even if you are parenting apart.

If you walk be honest that it's for your benefit (& possibly stbxw's) but absolutely not for the kids well-being, all they would glean from it is you left her and them and that's a hell of a rejection for little kids.

You are not clear about the changes you would like. My ex used to go on about wanting changes, but was never clear about what and when I really tried, that was never good enough either. As for your jealousy, frankly I think that is pathetic. You have no idea what your wife will decide or do and if you leave, you have no right to have an opinion on her decisions either. I use the phrase' you don't get to tell me what to do" with my ex a lot and I suspect your wife might do the same. Your wife is not responsible for your happiness and I suspect that she is walking on egg shells around you, trying to keep things smooth and even. Actually you sound a lot like my ex and he had an OW waiting in the wings. Do you?

How old are the kids? Why are you assuming that you'd only have them one night out of 14? Can you afford a place for yourself and to keep the family home?

You just sound like you're giving up on your kids as well as the marriage. Can you imagine/do you want a life where you have a home of your own, with your kids around a lot of the time? (How much? 50%? 40%?)

You may need to sell the current home to release equity, but if it gives your kids two happy, involved parents who care for them, then maybe it would be worth it.

Okay, thanks for comments.

No resentment with her taking the job she has. It was a mutual decision and, yes, because it was the best for our kids. BUT we both share kids duties. I drop off at school every morning and she collects. We share taking them to their various activities. That’s been for the past 9 years and because I wanted to be involved in school runs.

No matter what happens between my wife and I, I know she won’t ever say I’ve shirked my responsibilities as a parent, so anybody suggesting that from this point forward I will just ignore your entire comment. I’m a hands on parent. I was up in the night feeding them from day one, even when she was breast feeding (using her expressed milk) so that she could get a full nights sleep, I changed nappies as soon as I was in from work. Non of this was because I had to or my wife asked me to but because I wanted to and I loved every minute of it. I’m not looking for a pat on the back here but I also don’t want to be accused of being a bad parent.

Yes, I’ve talked about “just leaving” etc. but remember I’ve not actually done it and am still hoping to avoid my marriage breaking down. I’m just trying to get over to you how I’m feeling about my situation. I posted this thread to ultimately get opinions on what my wife might be doing/thinking as, having questioned her about it over many years, she says she’s happy, loves me and wants to be with m the rest of her life. However, she doesn’t act happy, loving towards me or seem to care that I’m not happy and that I’m frustrated. She doesn’t seem to care that I want to leave.

I feel like my only option is to leave. I don’t believe in staying in an unhappy marriage just for the kids. They may pick up on this and think it’s normal and possibly stay in a relationship they’re not happy with because they see that as normal.

NO! I have not and will not ever cheat on my wife. I never even cheated on a girlfriend in the past.

KickAssAngel my kids are 11 and 7. I’m assuming only 13 out of 14 as this seems to be the norm here in UK when couples divorce. Maybe it’s more like 12 out of 14 i.e. every other weekend. I believe the courts do this as well as keeping them in the family home with mum as it gives the kids stability.

I could only afford a small rental flat. Not sure how much I could borrow for buying but this is a way off down the line or hopefully never if I can figure out what’s going on with my wife.

I’m not giving up on my kids. I’m probably feeling sorry for myself and just letting loose on this forum. In reality I most likely won’t do any of this but it’s my personality to think of the worst case scenario first and find a way to deal with it. If things turn out better then they’re easier to deal with.

Yes, I can imagine having the kids around a lot of the time. My ideal scenario, if we have to break up, would be for her to leave me and the kids.

You sound so unhappy. Can you cast your mind back to a time you were happy? How were things between you and your wife then?

When we do have sex she’s just going through the motions and doesn’t enjoy it.

Have you respectfully and lovingly attempted to find out why your wife isn't enjoying sex and how you can help change that, or have you kept on initiating sex that she doesn't enjoy in the hope that she'll do it to keep you happy, and then resented her when she declines?

If you were a woman your replies would be different. You should’ve posted pretending to be the rejected wife who works all the time while her husband doesn’t make the effort anymore despite having several conversations

You’d be told to leave the bastard because you and the kids deserve better

The bottom line is, no matter what you’re willing to do or try, she isn’t. She doesn’t respect your marriage enough to put in the effort

Apilofballyhoo Yes, I’ve been happy most of the time until 2 years ago when work started to get very stressful. I guess, at this point, I started to question if it was a worth it and question my marriage. Maybe when I was happy I just over looked things. Now, looking back, there’s always been an issue with our sex life. This led me down the path of thinking she was having an affair but I never found any evidence of this. I then found out about her using a sex toy which debunked the theory that she had a low sex drive. This led me to feel lied to and, in a way, cheated on. She should be able to tell me what she likes and doesn’t like but either she can’t do that or doesn’t want to. Either way, I’m left unhappy and frustratingly she seems happy. That leads me to think she’s happy with me bringing in the money but not needing anything else from me. That’s not the kind of relationship I want to be in though and that’s what I’m telling her. We might as well be friends.

ShamelesslyPlacemarking. Yes, I’ve tried but she just can’t or won’t open up to me. She says she can’t speak about sex easily. I just find that hard to accept now we’ve been together for so long and feel that she’s fobbing me off.

I'm not really equipped to answer some of your other points but would like to reassure you regarding your children post separation/divorce. My DH's relationship with his Ex broke up, he feared his relationship with his DD would fail too.

But although his Ex brought new men into his DD's life, it was always her dad who mattered to her. No one could replace him.

Your DC will always know you are their dad. Moving out won't change anything, however much it hurts to not see them every day.

Chippyway I guess I agree with your last paragraph but I just find it hard to believe she’s not willing to try and sort things out or even admit there’s an issue. She just pays me lip service when I bring up my issues and then doesn’t mention it. I’ve had several sleepless nights in the last few weeks. She’ll ask how I slept, etc but never once has she thought to ask what the matter is and that’s because she knows damned well what it is but just doesn’t want to speak about it.

I think that my next conversation with her shouldn’t be me telling her how I’m feeling about our marriage, I’m clearly flogging a dead horse, but asking her to discuss planning to split up.

Prawnofthepatriarchy But why shouldn’t I get to live with my children?!?! She’s the one doing this, not talking, and just letting the marriage break down. Why should she then get the kids, the house and half my income? That’s rhetorical of course.

That’s why I’m so bitter and will be more bitter when somebody else moves into my house with my kids.

I really sympathize with the lack of intimacy and the rejection. I've been on both sides of this.

However, I think you have really fucked up by issuing threats. For whatever reason your wife is not attracted to you. Its not her fault and you cannot demand or talk someone into being attracted to you. It's not a choice.You have effectively told your wife that she better start fucking you or you're going to leave.

A better course of action would be to work on self improvement and to consider what changed and when. Are you attractive? Are you in good shape and clean? Are you positive and fun to be around? Do you have friends and a life outside the home?

Loss of attraction is a gradual process, it doesn't happen overnight. Its also distressing for the person who is experiencing the loss of attraction and it's not their fault.

Several things caused me to feel this way about my ex husband. One was his weight and personal hygenie. The other thing was what I call his work woe. He began to use me to vent about his job and I felt resentful at being expected to support an adult in their job. He had an overall miserable manner and was draining to be around. He could have stopped these things at any time but instead issued threats and seemed to think I owed it to him to find him attractive. It never occurred to him that he actually had to be attractive in the first place.

Apart from the issue in your marriage, are you happy? Do you enjoy your job?

You should attempt some couples therapy before leaving. It will look favourable in the courts if you have been seen to make all attempts. You should plan to leave though as openly and amicably as possible. Sounds like if she sees you as a cash cow she will use the kids to secure it. Sorry for you all.

Well she does seem to be uncaring from what you're saying. It would upset me if DH had a separate sex life from me and didn't want me involved in it. I don't mean by cheating but having one on his own but then not having one with me. That's very hurtful.

But what's worse is you don't seem to be able to communicate at all. I think it would be of great benefit to you to go for counselling on your own, just to talk to another human being, instead of all the desperate thoughts going around in your head.

She may not really be in love with you any more and just doesn't want to rock the boat either.

Is there any chance that what you're asking of her is unreasonable? Are you asking for more sex? Date nights? Time together? Intimacy? For her to listen to you off load stress when you get in from work? It's hard to figure out what you do want from your posts, except it's obvious you're hurt and lonely.

Reading your posts it seems a major problem is your work. Even if you were to separate you'd still have the stress of the work. What about looking at finding ways to reduce stress there? Become an employee again? Even if it means downsizing the house and outgoings.