Unhappy husband needing advice

[FedUpFellaUK]

I’ve been unhappy with a few things in my marriage for many years. I briwng it up and we discuss but nothing ever changes. She doesn’t seem to think there are issues and is happy to carry on as we are which frustrates me.

In the last 12-24 months I’ve been under a huge amount of stress at work (I work for myself). She has been supportive, which is great but I can’t help but think it’s only because she sees me as a cash cow. I earn good money and she quit her career a couple of years ago and works part time in a job that’s a doddle for her and she finds it enjoyable.
We don’t have sex because she never initiates it and I’m fed up of getting rejected so I don’t bother. When we do have sex she’s just going through the motions and doesn’t enjoy it. I’ve gone through an emotional rollercoaster of thinking she’s having an affair but then I found out that she’s using sex toys on her own when I go out. She doesn’t know that I know.
So, in a nutshell, I earn money for our family and that’s all she needs me for.
I decided to have one more conversation with her, telling myself beforehand that if that didn’t work then I’d give up. It didn’t work. So maybe 6 months after that I decided to give her an ultimatum. I told her I’m still not happy and, if nothing changes, I need to end our relationship as we both deserve to be happy. She seemed upset and said things that made me think I’d finally got through to her. That was nearly 2 months ago and guess what? That’s right, nothing has changed and she’s never mentioned it since and I know she won’t bring this up ever.

There’s about 9 months left until my deadline is up. In that time we have 2 holidays booked. Summer holiday with her mother and winter holiday with another family with kids the same age as our kids. During the last conversation whene I gave the deadline to our marriage I told my wife that I would make the most of these two holidays before leaving. However, at night we get in bed, she falls asleep and I lie awake seething that she can just fall asleep without a care in the world whilst I lie there stressing over what this is going to do to our kids, our finances, etc. I don’t know if I can make it through the next 9 months.

I’ve had nights when I just wanted to get in my car with a bag of cash, drive into Europe and disappear. I’m only staying for my kids but we all know how that ends when couples get divorced. When she gets together with another man I won’t be able to stand the thought of seeing my kids every other weekend whilst some stranger gets to spend 13 out of 14 day’s with them. I can’t stand the thought of her being happy with another man when she doesn’t care enough to discuss our marriage and make it work. I can’t stand the thought of working in a stressful job and living in squaller whilst she remains in our family home. The entire thing just seems unfair so it’d be easier to just leave it all behind and start again.

Would love a women’s perspective and advice on this please.

I'd agree with previous poster who said masturbation is not sex and sex is not intimacy. Do you cuddle on the settee before going to bed? If not, what would happen if you did/why don't you? Do you run her a bath or bring her a cup of tea in bed just-because? It's these little things that create intimate harmony and if they are missing people can truly go off sex-with-partner and maybe masturbate; it is allowed, you are allowed private acts regularly even whilst married. Does she just seem practical all the time? What changes would you accept as enough, I'm intrigued. Maybe she's started the peri-menopause and doesn't want to be touched - I love my husband but sometimes sex does nothing for me at all and now I'm old and haha a little wiser I won't just have it to please him..but we cuddle and love it when I do want it at same time as him. That being said I would hate you to dismiss your wife as hormonal! I'm just saying we go through huge body changes that do have an effect. My best friends husband thought she had gone off him because she now needs lube for sex when she didn't for years ever - he felt she wasn't turned on and she felt embarrassed. You have said your wife doesn't talk easily about sexual side of things it could be something like this that is snowballed with your work stresses etc. Your wife does ask you if you've slept well for example, that doesn't sound like somebody completely disinterested in you.

I'm very rushed right now so apologies if I'm not being clear - just chain-of-thought musings that may help.

Just wanted to say that for me - in a similar sounding situation - it was just impossible to want intimacy with my dh when he was stressed, angry and resentful towards me.

I can see that for you, more intimacy would improve the emotional situation but for many women it works the other way round. Emotional closeness has to come first, and then physical intimacy can follow.

I think your best way forward - as pp's have said - is to put your negative feelings towards counselling to one side and try Relate or similar. Just the chance to talk in neutral surroundings should help.

One more thing; your anger and stress and resentment just jump off the page. I feel for you, but I wouldn't want to live with that! Maybe your wife's way of dealing with it is to bury her head in the sand and pretend it isn't happening.

Just a thought.

What comes across really is that there is no emotional intimacy between you. Good sex comes about because of emotional connection, and that seems to be missing. When was the last time you really felt connected to her? When did you last sit outside under the stars and bare your souls (metaphorically if not literally?). Your wife can't talk to you about how she really feels, what she wants and what is going for her. It may be that she doesn't know herself. i would bet that she's trying to keep the status quo going for the sake of the children the best way she can, but her needs aren't being met, sexually or emotionally. She probably wants things to be different but has absolutely no idea what to do. She may find your dissatisfaction and threats unsettling but she doesn't know how to confront them or what to do about it all.

Why I wonder do neither of you feel able to talk to a counsellor? Somehow, you need to break through this resistance towards talking properly , to each other, to someone else. If you don't things will not improve, or more to the point you won't sort out what you want to do, either of you.

If I were you, I would take her out for dinner, away from the kids. Tell her that you really want to find some therapy for the two of you, to help you to communicate with each other. Explain that you feel at the end of the road, again. Without being angry or confrontational. Maybe do some research to find a counsellor and get their card first. If she won't agree to this and you refuse to countenance it, you really have no option but to leave.

Put aside all your jealousy and feelings of agrievement , that will not help either of you. She deserves to be happy, and so do you. If she finds someone who makes her happy, that gives you the chance to build another life with someone else too. You will always be your kid's Dad.

This marriage sounds on its last legs. Go for the counselling, with her, or alone. You need to try to move forward from this merry go round and understand yourself better, look at your options, and sort out your head. Then make a plan for the future.

Another thing that strikes me... do you go out alone, go on holiday as a family without others there? You say you go out with friends or on holiday with other people, but don't mention anything you do together as a couple .

I earn good money and she quit her career a couple of years ago and works part time in a job that’s a doddle for her and she finds it enjoyable.

I'm wondering if she's struggling under an invisible workload that you don't realise is there.

Your youngest is 7 years old, which means that your wife was looking after pre-schoolers until 2 years ago. That's a full time job - was she still working FT for part of it? So you both agreed that she would go PT to get a better family balance and maybe keep youngest out of nursery? (I'm guessing here of course)

Now both kids are in school, it will be somewhat easier for her to go back FT. Except that once you go PT it can be very difficult to get back to FT, especially if you're looking for a job that allows you to stop work at 3pm to pick up the kids. If you work for yourself, maybe she'll find it easier if she drops off and you pick up? (Which of course means all the after school childcare as well)

I acknowledge that you've been involved in childcare, however who carries the mental load? By which I mean arranging kids' activities, sorting out birthday presents for kid's parties, filling out school paperwork, paying any afterschool clubs, sorting out fancy dress days, buying school uniform, taking them shoe shopping when they outgrow shoes (mine are doing that all the time at the moment sigh), arranging/supervising playdates, taking them to dentist checkups, supervising homework etc etc The list could go on and on. Maybe you do some of it, but maybe a lot of it is invisible?

You say she does the cooking and shopping. Who does general housework? Hoovering? Laundry? Paperwork, e.g. insurance? Again, maybe you do part of this, but maybe she does?

I can hear that you're fed up, but I wonder if this is the opposite side to so many posts on here where the woman complains about being left to do all (/nearly all) the housework and childcare and the husband resents having to earn all the money while his wife 'does nothing all day'.

Have you offered to swap roles with her? You go part time (and take over any chores she's doing) and she goes full time?

Of course, it's also possible that she does none of this extra work I've been talking about, and she is indeed enjoying having a relaxing time at your expense. It's hard to tell without a fuller picture :)

What acs07 said. You need to find a way to reconnect. You aren't spending enough quality time together as a couple.

You say you don't resent her job situation but you so clearly do, you mention her having a cushy life in your opening post, which seems unfair as it was a jointly agreed decision.

Couples counselling seems like only way forward.

Another thought - would you be willing to walk in her shoes for a week?

So she goes away for a week, and you reduce your workload to the same PT hours that she has for a week. Then you juggle work, and the house and the kids in the same way that she normally has to?

(It wouldn't be a perfect swap because you'd have to do slightly more than she does (because she wouldn't be around to take on your usual roles), but you've said yourself that bedtime isn't that much work anymore.)

Maybe it would be easy, maybe not. But at least you'd know, and it would show her that you were serious about considering her POV in all this as well as your own.

Being kind of in your position OP, in terms of the not feeling listened to, I'd recommend couple's counselling. You - and your wife - will be heard and the conversation won't go in its usual circles. You could be truly being treated badly, not really understanding or listening to your wife - or somewhere in between.

But having someone else in the room is useful I would say, it does allow you to find out where your partner is coming from.

For me, I know more about my DH. And it's confirmed my feeling that he doesn't get my feelings - but I've learnt it's because he just doesn't get it. It's how he's programmed. Now I have to decide if I'm going to be the one to detonate the family.

Your post oozes self righteousness and clearly brings over that in your mind you do the hard work and she has it easy. That's bollocks. The fact you bring up shampooing your daughter's hair as if that's a big deal is ridiculous.

So, if you feel she has it easy when she's looking after the kids and home and work pt even though you manage to work full time and do loads of sports, hobbies, look after your face and hair so you're clearly not that ocerworked. Also, giving up your ft career for the good of the family and then going pt in an 'easy' role is a bloody sacrifice for most women. Show some bloody appreciation. Many pt roles are boring as shit with limited career progression and you're still left with the majority of childcare, housework and mental load. So a lot of boring and mundane stuff that is necessary. Then to have a man who just cherry picks some little aspect of parenting that he enjoys, hasn't had to change his career, has the freedom to go to meetings etc seem like he's some kind of amazing God is completely unattractive. And if she'd rather masturbate with a sex you it's probably because you don't know how to please her, so read up on that, appreciate her, her role and sacrifice in the family, be fun to be around, be interesting, do stuff together as a couple and things might get back on track.

Giving up what I do is not an option as I’d/we’d be giving up a lot of money for retirement and helping the kids when they need cars, houses, etc. I couldn’t get a job that would bring in anywhere near what I get. It would just be giving up too much.

Whatever you think is non-negotiable: that's usually where you need to start negotiating if you genuinely want things to change.

Hi,

If you are having trouble communicating, have you suggested couples counselling? Or even working with a sex therapist? Would be a shame to give up without giving it a try.

Firstly, why would you only get every other weekend? That’s not the norm these days in the uk at all. I know lots of people who have separated. Kids move between two houses and the care is pretty much 50/50. You can do a 5 day on, 5 day off type of arrangement or 2,3,2...google it. You have to go to mediation before court anyway and the courts would always prefer to see this type of amicable arrangement. Your thinking is stuck in the 90’s. Go see a solicitor and get yourself informed before you make assumptions.
Secondly, why are you holidaying with family? Or another family? There won’t be any romantic nookie going on at either of those!! I think you need to wise up a bit to be honest. Stop issuing ultimatums and actually be proactive. You sound lazy to be honest. It’s probavly why she’s gone off you. You’re stropping around demanding this, that and the other and issuing demands and ultimatums and being resentful but what are YOU actually doing? What efforts have you made to save your marriage. So let me educate you as to the basics of what you should be doing before you engage in this ridiculous pantomime of 9 months deadline etc...

1. go see a relationship counsellor on your own. Google them in your area and book it now. Today.
2. book a different one that you and your wife go to together. Book it now. Today.
3. get that mother you are holidaying with to come for the weekend and book you both a nice weekend at a local vineyard or something. Do not expect sex. Just communicate and hold hands and be nice to her
4. find a local babysitter and book them up for every Saturday eve 7pm-11pm. Every week. Do it now. Today. Then you use those Saturdays to go do the things you used to do before kids. See a movie, go bowling, go for a walk on the beach.

Have you done any of those 4 things yet over the last year in your marriage? If not then you need to pull up your big boy pants, stop moaning and start doing. Either that or get divorced which is expensive and distressing. Your choice dude but I’d recommend doing those 4 things first before putting yourself and your kids through the ringer

Good luck

Sorry for your situation OP. Your wife isn't trying much it seems, make she doesn't care, Sorry! You sound like a decent guy and husband and if you're unhappy and it's not improving with effort then divorce may be a happier option. Fwiw many divorced couples share custody or have good arrangements, for example my ex has out children one night during the week and one day and night every weekend.

I would strongly suggest couples counselling too. I swear, it might just be enough to open up

Mid life crisis?

Sounds like you are scared to find out the truth.
You both need to go to couples coucelling or you need to end the marriage.

Pussyfooting round things rarely solves a problem

Sounds just like my marriage was. Got to the point where we barely spoke and just did our own thing. Went through so much in my head wondering what the right thing to do was - leaving felt selfish when kids are involved. But I was desperately unhappy...and life is too short. Kids adjust and tbh they become more independent and need you less as they get older. Also it's not healthy for them to see a relationship that's so broken. I didn't want mine thinking this is how women treated/respected. It's so hard..but sometimes you need to go through worse times to reach the better ones.

I dont fully understand here at the start you said work was really stressful she has an easy PT job that she loves and sees you as a cash cow and she wont have sex but pleasures herself.
As the post developed youve described what sounds like a really healthy relationship where you both have time for pursuits outside the house. You share cooking and childcare and get along there are no arguments or animosity its simply that she doesnt want sex and that you cant live with.
I am not saying you should or that it isnt affecting your self esteem but you do come across as very focused on intimacy and sex disregarding all of the other stuff that is working.
Rather than sitting there counting down the months be proactive.
Fight for your marriage and kids. Step 1 tell her your going to counselling about the lack of sex in your marriage to help you address how its making you feel and do it. Step 2 work with the counsellor to see how you can address the issue with her without it being confrontational. Step 3 move forward with whatever decision you make in a considered kind and decent way putting your kids happiness before yours and your desires. You both sound like good people that have lost their way dont become a statistic.

Sounds similar to my relationship...............I can fully understand your frustration. But as previous posters have said focus on the kids. Just a thought but is she on the pill? If so I believe that can cause a loss of libido. Could she try something else? Could you have a vasectomy (that's the option I'm looking at in my relationship).

Op?

Do you like her? Love her? Because all I hear is resentment. What changes so you want her to make, just more sex? Because it may be that you need to look at counselling first, and work on reconnecting before calling it a day.

You are in a sad situation. You say you are self-employed, is there any way your wife could help with the business and maybe take the pressure off so that you are not so stressed. You don’t seem to talk with one another. Is your wife depressed, are you depressed. You talk of running off to Europe with a bag of money. Do you have family you can confide in, or a good friend.

Things could be different in a couple of years when your children are older. Or you really may not have anything in common anymore. Trying to provide for you family is incredibly stressful but would be more so if you had to have your own accommodation as well. I hope you can get some peace

Place marking for later op as I'm in a very similar situation unfortunately and your posts have given me a lot to think about

It sounds like all your unhappiness boils down to the lack of sex. Would that be fair to say?

I have been your wife in a similar situation, from the sounds of it. I never particularly enjoyed sex with my ex because, to be blunt, he wasn’t very good at it. He could make me orgasm (because that’s always been pretty easy for me) but he seemed to view that as meaning that he was great in bed and that he didn’t need to make any further effort. He was addicted to porn and every time we had sex he was basically just acting out things he’d watched. There was no real passion or connection between us.

After a while I lost interest in pretending to enjoy it and would ‘go through the motions’ like you say your wife is. My ex gave me a lot of the same threats and ultimatums that you’re apparently giving your wife, but if I tried to talk about what he could do differently he would just become angry and insist that it was nothing to do with him and that it was my problem to fix.

I think our sex life was also a reflection of wider problems in our relationship. It jumped out at me that you mentioned work stress, because my ex was very very unhappy at work for a lot of our relationship and he would come home ranting and raving every night. He was in a foul mood 95% of the time. It was exhausting and draining to live with.

What my ex couldn’t get his head around was that even though I didn’t like sex with him, I was still incredibly horny. I was actually horribly sexually frustrated! It was really confusing for me trying to understand why I felt like that and yet couldn’t bring myself to just pounce on him. The idea just repulsed me by the end.

You shouldn’t be angry with your wife for using sex toys, but the fact that she is suggests that she does have a sex drive. For whatever reason, though, she doesn’t enjoy sex with you. You need to try to find out why, without accusations or aggression towards her. And stop giving her ultimatums about having more sex with you, that really isn’t fair and it’s the last thing that will make her want to be intimate with you!