Just thrown husband out

[Ceebeegee]

Got no one to talk to in real life so posting here to try to get some clarity .
Just discovered load of messages on husbands phone , he's been meeting up for sex and sexting. He had her on kik messenger which was hidden on his apps. He said "Ok, I have no defence "
And let me throw him out.

He didn't even say sorry or try to fight for our marriage.

I totally did not see this coming..

We have a 5 year old who will know something is wrong when daddy is not here in the morning.

Cant believe hes thrown our marriage away and our family life.

I don't know what to do.

A big G&T, a good solicitor and your big girl pants.
Freeeze your accounts and make sure you have plenty of money for bills.
Change the locks
Mean business and secure your fortress. Passwords changed, bank acc passwords changed - like a tooth comb,
This is utter shit, but you have to look at what you still have, your child is in good health and will live quite happily with you. You haven’t a life ending illness so anything else you can find the strength to do this.
He is an absolute shit.
YOU are still the decent person that you were yesterday.
YOU are still a wonderful mother and beautiful woman you were yesterday
YOU will not let this beat you
Lock down your life, take care of you. There will be happier times ahead. Be strong you have all of us

@Allgoodnamesaregone omg that is terrifying

So sorry to hear you are going through this. Take your time to make any decisions and expect your thoughts to be completely inconsistent from one day to the next. I applied for divorce within the week of finding out about my h's affair but then sat on it after decree nisi for seven months before taking the next step. You will need to manage your energy.

One thing to do asap though, is to get together as much as you can find about his finances, and copies of important docs like passport, bank statements, savings, NI number. Sadly, if he is planning to move on, he may be primed to block your access to this information about him but you will need it if you can to inform yourself about what might be a fair settlement. Make sure he can't access your accounts.

If you can stand it, it's definitely worth reading up about the divorce process online before seeing a solicitor. That way you pay for their time to discuss your case, not to brief you on process info that you could find elsewhere.

One of the worst things about this situation is having to find strength and energy to pursue the practical stuff while your world is falling apart.
The support you can get here when you can't /don't want to discuss it IRL can be amazing.

There will be light at the end of the tunnel. one year on for me and though I'm still mid divorce I feel optimistic about the future again.

I hope you get some rest tonight.

So sorry op.

Keep reading mineisarossini's post.
Very wise words indeed.

You deserve so much better.

How are you doing, @Ceebeegee?

Have you changed the locks?

Yes all changed @GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

I'm okay. He's been in touch by messenger today asking to talk .
I'm not sure what he's expecting. It's going to be hard but I'm going to stick to my decision that I won't take him back.

I've got a solicitor appointment on Tuesday.

1. A good solicitor

1. Legal action very quickly. He will be feeling guilty and is more likely to agree - for example to make no claim on the house for your child's sake - if you get in fast. The longer it goes on the more he will justify it in his own head.

I'm so sorry, this is awful. But you can do this

Definitely stick to your guns. You don't even have to meet him to talk if you don't want to. Maybe wait until after you've seen the solicitor (if you meet him at all).

She's probably dumped him already.

Good luck on Tuesday!

What a horrible situation. How did you find out about his afternoons?

Your MIL can't be trusted - her loyalties will always be to her son. Try to minimise contact with her so that you can stay on good terms.

Is the OW anyone you know?

@HollowTalk when I was throwing him out, I asked when/how. He said after work and on his days off. The after work thing struck me , because he was always home at 630pm. I re-read some messages between them and he's been leaving work at 2pm regularly and then coming home to me at "normal time ".
An example was a message at 2.05 saying I'm just leaving work, be there in 30 mins. Followed by a load of explicit language leaving no doubt what they were up to .

No , I don't know the OW. I've figured out they met through a mutual hobby .
I remember months ago (probably February), she commented on one of his Facebook posts with a bit of a questionable/flirty comment and I remember saying "who is she ", he said she was a mate from the hobby and it's just banter . I've been so niaive . The signs were there and I just didn't see them.

Oh don't go blaming yourself - men like that will find a way. In a way it's easier as he has somewhere to go to while it lasts whereas if he was just having one night stands you'd end up with a problem over where he'd live. I'd need a court order before I'd give him any equity from the house, though.

HI

Sorry I missed your message yesterday.

We permanently split in the end, but it was a couple of years of hell.

It’s does sound like he was planning on leaving and trying to force the issue for you to tell him to leave, rather than having the balls to tell you.

They’ve been together quite a while by the sounds of it. I really think you need to stay strong and don’t have him back - I’d put put money on him asking at some stage. It’s all going to be very different when it’s not longer a time limited, clandestine affair and he’s there all the time with his dirty laundry and annoying habits.

It hurts like hell, the feelings of ‘not being good enough’ and wondering what you did wrong are dreadful. Despite intellectually knowing it’s not about you, it’s about his ‘lack’ it still makes you feel utterly shit.

I wish I knew then, what I know now. He was classic ‘script’ and I was classic ‘pick me dancing’.

I don’t know what advice I would have actually listened to, but I hope you can take some of the advice here and make the process a little less horrible by avoiding some of our mistakes and by getting a good solicitor, not taking him back and not spending too much of your life regretting, self blaming, wallowing etc. That’s my biggest regret, that I didn’t move forward sooner.

Thanks for replying @AnnieAnoniMoose

I really want to stick to my guns and not take him back. I just hope I don't crumble when I see him . I really need to get myself a backbone and have faith in myself that I'll be strong enough to stick to it.

I really didn't deserve this , so big girl pants on from now

There’s the odd poster on here who says they have ‘got over an affair’ and are ‘happier than ever’, but no one I know IRL who has stayed together is happy, let alone ‘happier’ and none of them, if they had their time over, would do it again.

You will most likely wobble when you see him, just because he has done an incredibly shitty thing, you wont stop loving him overnight, if only it was that easy. It’s a complete mind fuck of loving them, but hating what they have done.

I KNOW if it’s was to happen to me now I would WANT to ‘fix it’ but I also KNOW that I will be strong enough to end it. No matter what. Because I am NEVER putting myself through that again. Ever. Not for anyone.

...and I wish I could stop others putting the themselves through that soul destroying process too.

Also, it’s rare they don’t do the same thing again, because they essentially ‘got away’ with it and take you for a bit of a mug. Don’t waste years of your life waiting for the other shoe to drop.

You absolutely ARE strong enough. I was a mess when I got divorced and tried to make things work before I found out about the cheating. I felt so weak and like I couldn’t manage without him.

Once I found out, I moved out, filed for divorce, and never looked back. Didn’t even tell him I had found out. What still amazes me though is that he begged me to take him back after and I didn’t even bother replying. I still loved him at the time, because my heart hadn’t caught up with my head.

I’m still surprised that I had that strength and I’m so grateful that I did. I know that you are strong too. And if you ever feel like you’re not, borrow a little from one of us. We are all here, backing you up.