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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

abortion after miscarriage and DP's feelings

35 replies

DontCallMeDaisy · 31/07/2018 15:07

I'm really sorry if this offends anybody. I know a few people in real life who would be furious and very upset at this.

I came off the coil a in June 2017 as we wanted to TTC. I fell pregnant April this year but miscarried at 7 weeks. It was a shitty time tbh, we were thrilled when I tested positive and I'm sure many people know it's not a pleasant experience.

DP seemed to take it harder. I have a DD (6) and he really wants a child, as do I obviously but maybe because I have her, it was somehow less traumatic for me.

I was upset, but my best friend and a cousin have both had horrendous fertility and IVF problems. So I sort of knew miscarriage is more common than you think when you're younger and I actually think it was lucky it happened earlier on. I wouldn't want to go through any of what they have been through.

I was a bit surprised by the extent of DP's reaction. I saw a couple of messages that he sent people. They didn't sit right with me as they were very 'we've lost a baby'. I don't want to minimise how some people feel about early miscarriage, but to me, that was dramatising what had happened. I would have preferred it to be more private. And yes, it sucked, but we are very lucky.

Anyway, the plan was to keep TTC, but less than a month after the miscarriage, we had a couple of things happen that really changed our financial stability for the next couple of years. I can't go into detail about it as it is outing, but it will mean a stressful time ahead and DP won't be here very much. It's suddenly really not the right time to extend the family.

We decided to stop TTC, I was waiting for my next period to start the pill. But it never came. I am pregnant again.

At first we were shocked but thought we would make it work.

I allowed myself to get excited but he said 'I don't want to be hurt like last time, so I will get excited after 12 weeks.' But then things got a bit more complicated with our situation next year and after a lot of discussion, we decided, we actually shouldn't go ahead. I should get a termination.

It seems nuts to be doing so after trying to TTC and being upset about a miscarriage only a couple of months ago, but it is for the best.

My problem is with his reaction again - I might sound really unreasonable but I feel like he is being so self-indulgent and it's driving me nuts!

We've made a decision, it sucks, but to me, I need to get on with it. I've made an appointment with a clinic. I am only 6 weeks gone but I have a lot of symptoms. If we are going to do this, I need to do it sooner rather than later.

This morning he said he was surprised at how quickly I was acting. He would like to give it time and not rush into anything. He said he feels bad for 'us' and pointed out he is suffering too. Yes, he knows I am suffering physically, but mentally the strain is just the same.

This has infuriated me and I can't stop seething. Am I wrong in feeling that what he is going through is actually not much? Yes, this isn't what he wants, but none of it is happening to him. How can it be the same for him? Nothing is happening in his body, If I cry, he cries. I am crying because I feel like shit. Because I am tired and feel sick, my boobs are killing and it's all for nothing. And because I am remembering what is going to happen again pretty soon. Why is he crying??

I don't want to be in it together now the decision has been made. I want support, without having to support him equally.
Am I being completely unreasonable?

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 31/07/2018 15:11

I think you sound really unsympathetic towards his feelings about both the miscarriage and abortion. I do agree with you though that if you are having an abortion and you've made up your mind the early you do it the better

MoseShrute · 31/07/2018 15:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

iamawoman · 31/07/2018 15:21

Gosh thats toughFlowers. I think it sounds like he is struggling with the decision and i think you need to check out he is still on board with it as delaying tactics sounds like he wants more time to change his mind. As the pregnant person delaying the termination longer than necessary is tougher on you. So what you dont need is your partner making you feel like you care less , or that you are driving the decision if it was a joint one so he can future blame you to reduce his guilt. Sounds like you are making a brave choice in tough times x

Original poster
DontCallMeDaisy · 31/07/2018 15:24

Iamawoman

This is exactly how I feel but couldn'tr articulate. He now keeps saying it's my body so I get the final say. So I feel like now the decision was jointly made (remember I was the one who was getting excited about it), it's now on my head because it's my body but he gets to act as equally devastated about it.

I sound like a really bitter woman. I'm not usually. the last 24 hours have infuriated me and confused me. Yesterday I was looking at prams!

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 31/07/2018 15:24

I can see exactly where you are coming from OP.
But.... none of us has any idea what is going on in his head with all this either.
You just need to do what needs to be done as soon as possible.
And work together to come to terms with it all.

Vampyress · 31/07/2018 15:27

I think you are being unreasonable, you both regard the miscarriage and abortion very differently, you sound a bit more practical and scientific about the whole thing where he sounds very driven by its a baby from conception. Neither perspective is wrong and honestly you should be able to lean on one another through this. It seems in both cases you are resenting him for having an emotional response, is it possibly because you feel like his pain detracts from the focus on you? It seems extremely hypocritical to expect support from someone without providing any yourself and pretty narcastic to boot.

Karigan198 · 31/07/2018 15:31

Either you two have different coping methods or maybe he is not sure and hasn’t actually finalised his decision himself yet. You want to get it done and move on. He wants to consider and dwell.

Sit down and have a long chat to check he’s sure. If he wants it and you could make it work would you prefer to keep the baby? There are ways and means to make things work if you do.

Talk to each other. Open up and let each other know where you are coming from

Frogscotch7 · 31/07/2018 15:31

He gets to act however he feels. Give him a break. You sound really strong and practical which is great. His feelings are still valid though.

Cricrichan · 31/07/2018 15:34

I'm sorry to hear that you're suffering but he's got every right to be upset too.

Original poster
DontCallMeDaisy · 31/07/2018 15:37

I accept I might be being unreasonable. I've got a lot of things going on in my head. I needed to vent rather than having an emotional outburst at him at a time like this.

I appreciate the support and the comments
I'm not a narcissistic though, bit harsh

OP posts:
loveka · 31/07/2018 15:39

These wildly differing responses you are having are why people often don't stay together after traumatic events. If neither understands the others' response then it pushes you apart.

I had a miscarriage at 13 weeks, and like you I was very scientific about it. But I can still understand others who get upset on the anniversary etc even years later.

You need to find, as a couple, some connection of your feelings, even if it is only empathy for each other. You have to find a feeling, a belief, anything really, that you share.

greendale17 · 31/07/2018 15:40

**
I was a bit surprised by the extent of DP's reaction. I saw a couple of messages that he sent people. They didn't sit right with me as they were very 'we've lost a baby'. I don't want to minimise how some people feel about early miscarriage, but to me, that was dramatising what had happened.**

^I really doubt you would be saying that if you didn’t already have a child.

You sound cold.

Original poster
DontCallMeDaisy · 31/07/2018 15:43

Karigan definitely, if he wanted to keep it and we could think of a way to work it out, I would in a heartbeat.

I know he's got a right to be upset, I really do. That's why I let him get on with sending those messages to people after the miscarriage.

But now, I don't know. Maybe it is hormones. I feel crap. I'm trying to get on with but everytime I look at him, he's got this hang dog expression and I want to scream 'why are you looking like that?'. You've done your bit!

OP posts:
dirtybadger · 31/07/2018 15:45

Do you think it would be beneficial for him to seek some external support (like counselling through a family planning type charity or something)? I can see how you maybe aren't feeling like you can give him the support he needs (because you're going through your own stuff obviously). This might take the burden off you? Its unreasonable for him to expect you to wait longer for the termination if thats your joint decision, psychologically and physically it is not something you want to unecessarily prolong. It does sound like he isnt sure, but then it also sounds like he literally only made the decision yesterday so thats a bit confusing.

Orangecake123 · 31/07/2018 15:46

His feelings are valid as are yours, but this has the potential to either make you stronger as a couple or split you completely . Could you see a couples therapist?

dirtybadger · 31/07/2018 15:47

FWIW I think its unreasonable to expect him not to share with anyone re miscarriage. Because he needs support too. But how many people was he messaging? It is deeply personal/private nd I wouldnt want loads of people knowing that, personally, assuming they never knew you were pregnant.

Original poster
DontCallMeDaisy · 31/07/2018 15:47

Greendale

I pointed out I thought my reaction was because I already had a child.

I also pointed out my best friend has had very traumatic fertility issues. Many early miscarriages and a stillbirth. I have a cousin who lost her baby at 16 weeks.

I appreciate everybody experiences things differently. To my friend, an early miscarriage is now as devastating as a later one.

I am not cold. But to me, my experience was not like theirs.

OP posts:
WakeUpFromYourDreamAndScream · 31/07/2018 15:48

I hope you are going to go back on contraception asap OP.

Perfectly1mperfect · 31/07/2018 15:49

Am I wrong in feeling that what he is going through is actually not much? Yes, this isn't what he wants, but none of it is happening to him.

Yes, I think you are wrong about this. He is having to deal with the emotional side of it which he is obviously struggling with. From what you have written, you seem to be more practical about it but everyone is different. I think it would be concerning if he wasn't devastated about it.

Adviceplease360 · 31/07/2018 15:51

Sounds as though he feels like a hypocrite.
Miscarried at seven weeks and it was a baby you were mourning but now to to abort a baby around the same week doesn't sit right.

freetoagoodhome · 31/07/2018 15:52

And yes, it sucked, but we are very lucky.

Do you mean because you have DD? Because he doesn’t. No matter how close they are, it’s not the same. So maybe he is feeling extremely unlucky.

Original poster
DontCallMeDaisy · 31/07/2018 15:53

Yes, thank you WakeUp

DirtyBadger - we had our support network. A few family members and friends knew.

The messages I saw were to work related people. Customers. Explaining why he hadn't been around. People I didn't know. I felt this was too much. He got some very heartfelt condolences back for our loss. I felt the way he had worded it made it sound much worse. They replied with the same sorts of things you would say to my friends who went through much worse

OP posts:
Original poster
DontCallMeDaisy · 31/07/2018 15:55

No free, we are lucky becuase a) we at least knew we could get pregnant and b) it didn't happen much later

OP posts:
Original poster
DontCallMeDaisy · 31/07/2018 15:57

I explained in my OP, I am very close to people who have had horrific experiences.

I am going to step back from this thread. I really appreciate everyone taking the time to write but I feel like I am getting on the defensive.

I probably am being too harsh on my DP and actually I just want to go and give him a hug. It is really really the shittest day. I don't feel strong enough for mumsnet and I shouldn't have posted. I don't know whty I did.

Thanks you though x

OP posts:
freetoagoodhome · 31/07/2018 15:59

Sorry @DontCallMeDaisy it was a genuine question. I hope it didn’t come across as anything else.

Take care (of you both) x

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