abortion after miscarriage and DP's feelings

[DontCallMeDaisy]

I'm really sorry if this offends anybody. I know a few people in real life who would be furious and very upset at this.

I came off the coil a in June 2017 as we wanted to TTC. I fell pregnant April this year but miscarried at 7 weeks. It was a shitty time tbh, we were thrilled when I tested positive and I'm sure many people know it's not a pleasant experience.

DP seemed to take it harder. I have a DD (6) and he really wants a child, as do I obviously but maybe because I have her, it was somehow less traumatic for me.

I was upset, but my best friend and a cousin have both had horrendous fertility and IVF problems. So I sort of knew miscarriage is more common than you think when you're younger and I actually think it was lucky it happened earlier on. I wouldn't want to go through any of what they have been through.

I was a bit surprised by the extent of DP's reaction. I saw a couple of messages that he sent people. They didn't sit right with me as they were very 'we've lost a baby'. I don't want to minimise how some people feel about early miscarriage, but to me, that was dramatising what had happened. I would have preferred it to be more private. And yes, it sucked, but we are very lucky.

Anyway, the plan was to keep TTC, but less than a month after the miscarriage, we had a couple of things happen that really changed our financial stability for the next couple of years. I can't go into detail about it as it is outing, but it will mean a stressful time ahead and DP won't be here very much. It's suddenly really not the right time to extend the family.

We decided to stop TTC, I was waiting for my next period to start the pill. But it never came. I am pregnant again.

At first we were shocked but thought we would make it work.

I allowed myself to get excited but he said 'I don't want to be hurt like last time, so I will get excited after 12 weeks.' But then things got a bit more complicated with our situation next year and after a lot of discussion, we decided, we actually shouldn't go ahead. I should get a termination.

It seems nuts to be doing so after trying to TTC and being upset about a miscarriage only a couple of months ago, but it is for the best.

My problem is with his reaction again - I might sound really unreasonable but I feel like he is being so self-indulgent and it's driving me nuts!

We've made a decision, it sucks, but to me, I need to get on with it. I've made an appointment with a clinic. I am only 6 weeks gone but I have a lot of symptoms. If we are going to do this, I need to do it sooner rather than later.

This morning he said he was surprised at how quickly I was acting. He would like to give it time and not rush into anything. He said he feels bad for 'us' and pointed out he is suffering too. Yes, he knows I am suffering physically, but mentally the strain is just the same.

This has infuriated me and I can't stop seething. Am I wrong in feeling that what he is going through is actually not much? Yes, this isn't what he wants, but none of it is happening to him. How can it be the same for him? Nothing is happening in his body, If I cry, he cries. I am crying because I feel like shit. Because I am tired and feel sick, my boobs are killing and it's all for nothing. And because I am remembering what is going to happen again pretty soon. Why is he crying??

I don't want to be in it together now the decision has been made. I want support, without having to support him equally.
Am I being completely unreasonable?

I think youve had some harsh responses on here. I really feel for you because I would react the same... especially with you deciding together about having an abortion but now he seems to be stalling for time or implying that you are somehow wrong to get things done quickly.
I would personally feel like he was drowning out my own emotions. I would personally feel resentful... just because you want it done as quickly as possible does not mean you are not upset or feel things less. Just because you look at the practicalities does not mean you feel things less.... you have to look at it like that as its actually happening in your body so you need to make firm decisions and follow through with choices..... id feel extremely resentful that he gets the liberty of acting all cut up about things when perhaps you might want to but you dont have that freedom because you would pay the price for stalling as it would be much harder to have the abortion the longer it goes on.

No free, we are lucky becuase a) we at least knew we could get pregnant and b) it didn't happen much later

But just because things could be worse doesn't mean he has to share your view on being lucky. I wouldn't be feeling very lucky in your position.

I wouldn't like him telling people who are not close to you both though.

I hope you find a way to get through it together.

Sounds like you're being quite selfish tbh. You're entitled to be as matter of fact as you like about having a miscarriage, ttc and then deciding to terminate the pregnancy.

Sounds like you just want him to not have any feelings or emotions yet still provide support to you.

Seriously bit harsh there. She’s going through a horrible time. She’s acknowledging that she might be being too harsh and did you not see the last comment that she’s not strong enough right now. She needs a hug and support not mumsnet bluntness right now.

If that was directed at me @karigan then no I hadn't read her last post. If I had then I probably wouldn't have posted tbh.

I do think it's selfish to minimise her dh's feelings though and to say well actually he isn't going through anything as he's not the one pregnant. The op seems to realise that now.

I think your idea to step away from the thread is a good one op, can you have a bit of breathing space from your partner to give you both time to deal with things individually without worrying about upsetting each other?

I hope it all works out for you both.

I think you’ve had some harsh responses OP. I get it. You both made a choice, and now YOU have to go through with it, but you can’t discuss your pain because there’s no room left for it. You need support and a shoulder to lean on to get through this, that’s not unreasonable. I also noticed how he said saying now that it’s your choice, which makes you “to blame”.

Of course hes upset and hurting, and of course you should support him, but he needs to support you too.

Have you told him how you feel?

I don't think you're wrong, he should be taking more of a supportive role, because it is you it's happening to and ultimately your decision. So he would do well to put aside some of his feels, and back you wholeheartedly. It's a sad thing, but if it's not the right time, then it's just not.

I think its entirely normal you are feeling the way you are about your partner following a miscarraige and now having to terminate - you need him to be strong for you as it is your body that is going through this, your hormones, you left with more of the guilt. As men dont experience childbirth in the same way, neither do they experience a loss of a foetus/baby. It doesnt mean they arent allowed to be upset or grieve but it really is a different experience for them

I think it is as simple as this.
You have a child. He has seen the bond between you. He may be close to your child but it isn't the same.
He wants what you have.
He wants a child. He knows he has no right to MAKE you have one now when you have lots of practical reasons not to.

It might be easier to ask you how you felt with your first child. In the same circumstances as now would you have aborted ? Or would you have gone ahead whatever the circumstances and made it work ?

It's not a right or wrong answer.

Yanbu. It sounds like he has changed his mind though, so he wont be wanting this decision. He cant help feeling that way but he should 100% be supporting you.

Talk to your dp, hopefully he will be more supporting. Good luck.