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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner left me for someone else.

35 replies

reedwilson01 · 31/07/2018 12:58

Looking for advise on how to win my partner back. Me and my partner have been together for 17yrs and have a 14year old son together. 2 years ago my partner had an 4 month affair which of course divested me and my son. Anyway he promised to end it and we tried to make things work, but I asked for a break in Sept last year in order we could get back on track properly. He went living with his mum who incidentally I haven't spoken to in years...I thought we were started to work on things, but I recently found out he had been living with this same women together at his mums house. Once I had discovered this she moved out and they have agreed to see each other just once a week. He tells me, I don't know what the future holds, but I do know I still love you and miss you and is divested my son wont speak to him. How do I win him back and get him to forget about this other women.

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 31/07/2018 13:02

Why would you want him Confused?

userxx · 31/07/2018 13:03

Why do you want to win this piece of shit back?? He is no prize.

Littlechocola · 31/07/2018 13:04

Run far away.
Your son has the right idea.

hellsbellsmelons · 31/07/2018 13:25

How do I win him back and get him to forget about this other women
Jeezzzz!
WTAF???
You want this low life, cheating, lying, scumbag back?
Why?
Where is your pride? Where is your self-esteem?
Your son has it right.
Ignore the disgusting, disrespectful fucker and move on with your life.
He is NO PRIZE to be won.
Let her have him.

Google 'pick me dance'
DO NOT DO IT!!!

For the love of all that is holy.

Get a grip. Realise this man is not worthy of you and kick him to the far side of fuck!

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 31/07/2018 13:29

Sorry but I have no advice on this one as I'm wondering why the fuck you'd want to 'win' this twat back-trust me, he's no prize Hmm

anniefin · 31/07/2018 14:03

Why is he still seeing the OW once a week if he still loves you?

He's having his cake and eating it! He knows you want him back so he is using you and this other woman for his own gratification.

Shame on his mum for allowing her sons infidelity to go on under her roof.

Is he actually surprised your son doesn't want to talk to him?

I can't understand why you would want him back after this.
For your own self respect and your sons respect, please do not try to get your husband back, it will lead to further heartache for you down the line because he will use all this as acceptance for him to do it again, and again xxx

yetmorecrap · 31/07/2018 14:16

Crikey OP, get a grip, why are your standards so low!!

Original poster
reedwilson01 · 31/07/2018 14:34

Do you know what although friends have said the exact same as the replies I have had its only now I am questioning why I would want him back. I don't want to sound like something from Jeremy Kyle, but I am still in love with him. How do I get over him? He called this morning asking do I still need him to come over at the weekend & do the repairs at the house that desperately need doing and I have said yes, but I am not sure how to act in front of him. I have told him our son wont be around as he is away with a friend but he said ok I still come regardless. In addition to this I have been chatting to a really lovely guy recently and told my partner about him in temper some weeks ago. I made out I was going on a date with this guy, but my partner said I just want you to be happy, I cry constantly over what I have put you through and I am so sorry, maybe go out with the guy. I want you to, but then says sorry no I don't want you to, but then apologies for saying it... that's when he went onto say I do love you, you know and I do miss you and there is so much I want to say but I don't think its fair to say them. What ever that means. How should I behave in front of him this coming weekend?

OP posts:
BrevilleTron · 31/07/2018 14:37

Be ice cold and hold your dignity. Be a grey rock. You deserve better.

Bluntness100 · 31/07/2018 14:37

Eh, give him the keys and go out and leave him to it.

I also don't know why you'd wish to get back with a man who cheated on you, lied to you, and is clearly in a relationship with someone else.

Trinity66 · 31/07/2018 14:40

Stop getting him to call round to do jobs for a start, do it yourself or get someone else to do it. He's not even told you he's going to stop seeing the OW

blueangel1 · 31/07/2018 14:43

This is the sort of trick EXH pulled on me. He even had the brass neck to offer me the new position of "alternative OW" when he moved out to live with OW a couple of years ago. Needless to say, I told him to fuck right off.

OP, it sounds as though your "D"H's mother has treated him as a Golden Child and he can do no wrong. I would start viewed him as soiled goods, if I'm being honest. No decent man should treat a wife or a partner like that.

He is coming out with exactly the same shit EXH did to me. I would not be there when he comes to do repairs at the weekend. Go on a date with someone instead!

userxx · 31/07/2018 14:47

Google pick-me-dance. Have a read and a long hard think about where you want to be in a years time.

hellsbellsmelons · 31/07/2018 14:48

You act very business like.
That's how to behave.
If he's offering to do jobs around the house then get them done!
His guilt won't last forever so make the most of it.

He's saying all of this stuff to keep his options open.
Don't be anybody's option!!!!
Let him go. Let him understand the loss of you.
I never say never with infidelity (unless it's prostitutes - or me putting up with it) and see what happens after that.
But he will not want you if you are teary, needy mess.
He may realise what he's lost and what a strong woman you are if you keep that front up in front of him.
Give it a try. You'll be amazed!
But honestly - you are worth a lot more than this and you know it!

Original poster
reedwilson01 · 31/07/2018 15:03

Aww thank you for the comments guys, it really is helping. He did take away my confidence and self worth I wont deny that. His mum has put the olive branch out and put her side of the story and she quite agrees and fully admits herself she has buried her head with it all and is too soft with him. The reason she felt she couldn't tell me is because we hadn't spoken in years. A friend said I don't want you to go back to him, but if you want to make him jealous.. get yourself dolled up and make out you have just rocked up from a night out with a fella, plant an overnight bag and items looking like you stayed out. Keep him guessing. Like you guys have said look like you have moved on or at least you are a strong women who doesn't need him. I so do appreciate your advise and least I know I am not along in all this. Its so easy for friends who are in a loving relationship to give advise, but to get advise from people who have experience similar situations is really helping . Thank you guys.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 31/07/2018 15:32

He did take away my confidence and self worth I wont deny that
Absolutely. It totally knocks you for six.
The real physical pain is just awful.
But you sound so much stronger already.
The general consensus on here is to 'Fake it. til you make it'
Look after yourself.
It's horrendous but try to keep hydrated and your sugar levels up!
Get as much real life support as you can and you'll get through this.
It might not feel like it now or in a month or 6 months, but we can promise you, it really will get better.

Original poster
reedwilson01 · 31/07/2018 15:52

Hellsbellsmelons - Again thank you. Maybe I just needed to hear some advise from people who are not heavily involved or who are very close to me, but have indeed had the same experience. The hardest thing is knowing I will always have my ex in my life to some degree because of my son. I know he isn't talking to is Dad right now, but the bond they once had i will find it hard to imagine my son not wanting to see his dad again, although he is currently adamant he will never want to see or speak to him if my ex continues to have a relationship with this women (if that is what you we can call her) This is the women who I agreed to meet, but in fact manipulated me. She apparently wanted to meet me to to tell me everything in order as she put it "walk away without a heavy heart" and to know she eventually did the right thing in the end. But was soon to message me to say " sorry i still love him and I am going to fight for him". She got everything she needed she got to know my life.

OP posts:
EllenRipley · 31/07/2018 15:56

He's playing you and manipulating you. Don't play any of your own games to lure him back or get him to 'see the light' - it will backfire, unfortunately. It's going to be very hard and you'll have to grieve the end of your relationship but you'll come out the other side stronger, happier and relieved. Whoever he was when you met and fell in love with him, he's now a cruel fuckwit who opted out of your relationship a long time ago. And he's only interested in himself. Let him know who you really are, take him to the cleaners, and get on with your life xx

Bluntness100 · 31/07/2018 16:00

Op, it's not about the other woman, it's about him and his relationship with you.

Trying to make him jealous is ridiculous, you're not teenagers, all that will happen is it will assuage his guilt. He will be able to say "see, it's not just me, she's also moved on, shows it was over for both of us".

Original poster
reedwilson01 · 31/07/2018 19:52

I am going to take on board your advise guys & again i thank you for the support it certainly is empowering & making me feel stronger already. I know it will get easier & i also know its only been 3mths since finding out about his double life. I just wish i cld stop reminiscing and havin the flash backs about the good times.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 01/08/2018 08:48

That will happen for many years.
But the anger will set in soon enough.
I split from my ExH 9 years ago and I still think of the goods times very occasionally.
He is part of your life, your history, he will always hold a place there.
But now it's time for you.

Original poster
reedwilson01 · 02/08/2018 11:28

Hellsbellsmelons... again thank you...your words & kindness are keeping me going.. i thk the key is taking back control & havin the acceptance he belongs in my past... i have a holiday booked with a friend for a week at the end of Aug & i know this will be the best thg for me. If it wasn't for my son i wld do a Shirley Valentine i think. Lol i am usually such a strong independent women but this has stripped me of that for now & suppose its working on that X

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 02/08/2018 12:56

A holiday will do you the world of good.
Of course it's totally knocked your confidence.
Your self-esteem.
Your sense of self-worth.
You truly feel like your heart has been ripped out of your chest, thrown on the floor, broken into a million pieces and then someone has come along and stamped all over it just for good measure.
Honestly, we've all been there.
It's truly horrendous.
These vile creatures have no idea of the pain they inflict, internally and externally, as you try to eat to keep something down, and cry yourself to sleep night after night.
But, we do get over it. It takes time. But we do get there.
And usually we are a lot stronger for it.
It's still 'bloody' recent so don't go expecting miracles.
Keep taking it one day at time.

eve34 · 03/08/2018 16:13

How are you doing? You deserve better than this stay strong and keep as nc as you can.

The I love you and my head is a mess is bullshit. They just want to keep you hanging in. They don't want to be the bad guy or feel guilt. So will play the helpful friend card.

Don't let him.

My ex was the same. I love you but it's. Not the same. Of course it wasn't. He was shagging a 23 year old. How was I ever going to compete with that.

He wanted to look like the good guy helping out. Telling me he would baby sit so I could go out and be happy. He just wanted his guilt eased. Don't let on you are going out or meeting people. Just be grey rock- be polite answer questions about the kids. Anything else is no longer his concern. He made his position in your life very clear

Hope you have good people around you. It hurts. But in time it eases. Be kind to yourself.

RivanQueen · 03/08/2018 16:42

OP please don't do the 'pick me dance' you are worth so much more than that. This scum bag ex of yours does not deserve the time and effort you are putting into winning him back and honestly why on earth would you want him back? I know this is going to sound harsh but I'll say this as it is what I would say to a friend who needed to hear it. He doesn't love you. This kind of asshole doesn't know how to love anyone but themselves. From how he's treating you he doesn't even like you. The woman he is with now, who he is living with, that's his partner. He's told you he is not going to end it with her. He's keeping you as the alternative OW and fall back position in case he needs a soft place to land if/when it all goes tits up with her. I think you need to get yourself into counselling to help you move on from the horrible things he has done to you and to build up your self-worth and self-esteem to get back to being the strong independent woman you were and can be again.
Know this - you are worthy of love, you are worthy of respect, you are worthy of happiness, you are worthy. You might not realise this now but it's 100% true.