To Hellsbellsmellons/Eve34 and to you other guys who have msg'd me & have given their advise & support.. I thank you, truly.
Ok a little update....so the ex came on Sunday & helped with the jobs I needed doing all was friendly & going well till we sat down & he asked how I was.. I walked away knowing that's all it took for me to crumble. I look & a kind word from him.
I walked away into the garden to hide my upset, but he followed me & said please talk to me.. I love you & will always be here for you no matter what. I want to help & support you both & nothing & no one will stop me doing that unless you yourself ask me not to.
I stupidly sobbed my eyes out & said it was too hard for him to be around me at the moment & as much as I need him to help me with some repairs to the house it was too painful to see him. He himself openly sobbed. I think we both sobbed for an hour but he said " I really do need you in my life, I know its wrong to say, but I do miss you and I am not sure even if I have made a mistake, but I need to work this out for myself. I know I will probably lose you in the meantime & I would have to live with that, but it would be wrong to come back if I still have feelings for someone else."
I know what many of you will say & will think... he is keeping his options open, but I could see the genuine torment & I don't think there was an agenda behind it. I did say I have to start a new chapter in my life & move on without you to which he said "I understand & I want the best for you & our Son & if I could undo all of this or take your pain away I would, but coming back right now isn't the answer.
I explained even though admittedly the pain is unbearable & at times yes I do think sometimes god I just want my "family" back I am not sure I would want him back after everything.
He hugged me and kissed me on the forehead & said I promise you I will always be here. I then said I just cant be your friend like you want to & I am not sure you realise but maybe you need my friendship more than need it. It maybe its a quilt thing for you and maybe it gives you comfort knowing your not really the bad guy. He said there is an element of that I suppose, but believe me its harder to see you than not but I wouldn't not want to see you ever. God no.
I do feel better for being honest about my feelings & not making out I had a wonderful other life without him. I think I had to be honest about how I felt without game playing or acting like I had moved on & I was truly "done". I wanted him to know I was in pain, but that I will brave this & I will continue to move forward, but for now us being "friends" is too painful and that wasn't said to make him feel guilty or for him to think I wld wait around for him... I am not & I wont but I did feel it was right to be honest.
We agreed it would be stupid to pay out for someone to come & do these repairs and decoration when he himself is in the trade and works for himself so he will continue to come and do what needs doing when he is free at the weekends and I can choose if I wish to be there or not.
My son did acknowledge him but apart from an "hello" he didn't speak to him. My ex said I will never give him up on him & will keep trying to build bridges no matter what our future holds.
We left it at there for now.... I feel better knowing that I should continue to work on myself & to enjoy today for today & not try & fix things, analyse, read between lines or over think things OR even lay down plans. Stop trying to control things but instead be more relaxed and let things just happen. I will continue to work on myself & be a stronger person believing may just maybe this was all meant to happen.