Dating regularly and he is still using Tinder

[Namila]

Hi all, I can't decide if this is going to make me sound totally unhinged or not, but I thought the Msn wisdom could help me gain some perspective.

I have been seeing a guy I met on Tinder for 2 months. He is 32 and I am 29. We have been on roughly 9/10 dates so far. We started sleeping with each other on date 4. From date 3 I told him that I am not into casual dating and that I would prefer to see only him while I get to know him and that I would like to receive the same treatment. He said he was not seeing anyone else and that he was keen on seeing where this thing between us went (which I know is not committing to exclusivity!).

Fast forward to 2 months later, things have been proceeding well, although a little slowly as we can't see each other often due to both traveling a lot for work.

Last week though a friend of mine mentioned that you can see if someone is actively using Tinder if their location keeps updating. Apparently the app only updates someone's location when opened/ used. Since then I realized he is using Tinder - a lot. Every time he travels for work, his location immediately updates. He must be on it most days.

Before anyone jumps at my throat, I know he is not doing anything wrong. We are not together, we are not in a committed relationship, he is not cheating on me. However I think 2 months into dating, if he really liked me he wouldn't be playing the field on Tinder every day. I’d like to see someone who is genuinely very excited about me (the same way I am about him), not someone who is keeping me around as a B plan and looking for something better in the meantime. This discovery is making me feel uneasy about the whole thing, and I am considering to cool it off.

I know many people would be totally cool with dating someone for months while he is still actively using dating apps/ dating around, but I realized that I am not. I appreciate that might mean I should consider whether OLD is for me or not, as that is pretty common practice.

f he was just checking online to see if u were online then it shows he's keen which means u can challenge him to delete the app

Scottish I'd like to think that, but seriously, what are the chances he is using the app to check on me vs the chances of his using the app to meet more women? I don't want to be cynical, but realistically I think the latter option is way more likely..

Why don’t you just talk to him though?!

Really don’t understand the point of trying to second guess his actions - if you don’t understand them then a load of strangers who don’t know the guy won’t either!

Katgurl you sound very mature and sensible. I think your approach was the correct one, although I'll admit that right now I am still in the knee jerk phase of the reaction.

I just keep thinking that things should be easier at this stage..

Talk to him. I can only talk for myself but from my own experience, things definitely should be easier OP, you're right. When someone likes you and is serious about you, you just know.

I think you're jumping the gun here. One person told you that tinder updates only when opened and suddenly you're doubting everything. Several other people have now told you that's not true, it updates automatically, but you dont seem to be taking that on board. If the app has location permissions, it can update without needing interaction from him provided he hasn't fully logged out. Therefore every time he travels, it's going to update his location regardless of if he opens the app or not. You clearly still have the app installed and active, so yours will be doing the same thing. He could be looking at your profile thinking that you've been active, so why shouldn't he?

You need to decide how much you like him, and then talk to him. Draw a line under the doubts about him being on Tinder, tell him that from now on you would like to be exclusive, so you would like it if you could both deactivate your accounts. Do it together maybe, that way you'll both have peace of mind.

Alternatively, move on. But be aware that unless you deal with your own doubts, the same thing is likely to happen, because you're expecting him to know what you want without communicating that to him. He doesn't know how you feel unless you explain, so you can't be angry at him for not understanding that you feel you are now at the stage where you don't need Tinder.

My wife and I met OLD. After a few days of talking, we both agreed that we wanted to focus on getting to know each other, so deleted the app. I wouldn't have expected her to do that until we had had that conversation though.

I don't believe it updates automatically. The app has to be running for it to be updating surely.

I have been on a few dates recently and all the guys locations changed post dates. It's really off putting. I would not believe it's innocent and changing itself, I just think for guys when they have girls messaging them why are they going to stop responding? Just because he's dating and sleeping with you, if he's not exclusive, in his eyes he can do the same with other women.
One guy told me OLD is like a shop of women for them and they can just choose any one they want...sort of addictive. Gross.
Whereas we put all our eggs in one basket and sadly now you are on your end at least acting like you're in a committed relationship, not dating anyone else or chatting with anyone else while he is.

I have made this mistake too, I have waited 4 months before asking the guy I thought wanted what I wanted and in the end he turned around and told me he didn't want to be in a relationship. Have a chat now, it's not too early to ask what he's looking for; ask him if he's still dating, also if you are having sex make sure you have the exclusivity chat about him only sleeping with you - although again hard to actually believe they would honour this.

OLD is very hard but don't wait things out and ignore things. If he's really into you he will be happy to be exclusive now. Be careful of giving girlfriend benefits to someone who doesn't want a girlfriend.

^I don't believe it updates automatically. The app has to be running for it to be updating surely.

I have been on a few dates recently and all the guys locations changed post dates. It's really off putting. I would not believe it's innocent and changing itself, I just think for guys when they have girls messaging them why are they going to stop responding?^

meow I read up online about this and the general consensus is that you need to actively use the app for the location to update. Literally every website I checked confirmed that.

Everything else you wrote also resonated with me. I think I make the mistake of trying to embrace these "modern dating style", but it clearly does not suit me and it ends up making me feel miserable. I should just embrace the fact that I am rather old-school when it comes about dating, and I need someone with a similar mindset for things to work out.

OP as someone else on dating/OLD I'd agree that if he's serious about you then you'll know it. I think there are lots of people about who happily date even when they know the person isn't a long term plan for them.

Definitely chat to him, but go with your gut too.

ShirleyP , he would have assumed I was still driving home.

I certainly wouldn't jump down your throat!

You're entitled to know if he's being exclusive or not.

He may lie to you- my previous one did
Honestly go with your guy

With your gut!

You have to ask him

I was in the exact same situation I deleted tinder after we slept together thought he was on the same page as he had told me how much he liked me etc about two months in I don’t know why but I made a fake profile and what do u know we matched. I confronted him he apologised said he did it out of boredom etc I believed him this went on for another three months and we still weren’t official but apparently exclusive (his words as he was scared of commitment) I knew he was still on tinder becauze on his Instagram following random girls near enough every day. Finally I found my self respect and it’s dont now for good no going back. The start of something should be exciting between the two of you if he thinks he can get better then he isn’t on the same page as you and it’ll only get worse x

Thank you all for your kind and helpful comments.

We are supposed to go out this weekend after 2 weeks of not seeing each other (both traveling for work). I think I'll go and assess how I feel after not having seen him for a while, and potentially bring up the conversation.

It is so hard to judge a dating situation when work schedules are crazy and you can't see each other as often as you would normally do!

I did a quick google and apparently tinder does only update a persons location when they open the app otherwise it will just use their last known location.

You haven’t cleared the boundaries with him so you know he isn’t actually doing anything wrong using tinder or even sleeping with others. You need to have a word with him about where you see it going and take it from there.

The app runs in the background though, which means its permissions allow for continuous updating of your location.

Personally if you dont see eachother for 2 weeks at a time I would think that he probably still is using tinder.

Butterfly that is my doubt as well. As much as we see each other as often as we possibly can, these last few weeks have been crazy busy for both of us and we have literally never been in town at the same time. It won't always be like that, it is just an especially busy month.

Given that we haven't seen each other in 2 weeks (nearly 3 actually!!), is it realistic to expect him not to use Tinder..? Should I just wait until September when we will travel less and see if things develop naturally once we see each other more regularly?

@Namila, this thread is from last year but I just happened to pass by.

I read all the comments and I'm curious to know how things proceeded??

There is nothing wrong with having your standards and letting a guy know about them. We don't need to be so insecure about what to say and what not to say. After all, who's he to judge you?? No one would be okay with being plan B.

During the time you didn't see each other - did you keep in touch with other means like WhatsApp/phone conversations??

I wouldn't be okay with seeing someone (I'm dating) once a week or 2 weeks (unless it's just a temporary thing), .... add here if we wouldn't write or talk on regular daily basis.

There were many factors in your disadvantage: distance, him using Tinder still, him making you wonder about his intentions with you ...etc.

I'm a strong believer that when you start questioning yourself where things are headed, it means the other party hasn't been straight forward with you.

Hey! What happened?? I'm dealing with the exact same situation right now.

What's with the zombie thread?

9/10 dates is more than enough time to know if you want to come off dating apps, sleep with them before this and they don't respect you.
I would put yourself back on back on tinder and look for another man.

you need to actively use the app for the location to update. Literally every website I checked confirmed that

I thought the above was true also but to be honest after 2 months I would of expected his profile to be hidden by now and deleted when official.

ZOMBIE