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Original poster

Dating regularly and he is still using Tinder

55 replies

Namila · 31/07/2018 08:58

Hi all, I can't decide if this is going to make me sound totally unhinged or not, but I thought the Msn wisdom could help me gain some perspective.

I have been seeing a guy I met on Tinder for 2 months. He is 32 and I am 29. We have been on roughly 9/10 dates so far. We started sleeping with each other on date 4. From date 3 I told him that I am not into casual dating and that I would prefer to see only him while I get to know him and that I would like to receive the same treatment. He said he was not seeing anyone else and that he was keen on seeing where this thing between us went (which I know is not committing to exclusivity!).

Fast forward to 2 months later, things have been proceeding well, although a little slowly as we can't see each other often due to both traveling a lot for work.

Last week though a friend of mine mentioned that you can see if someone is actively using Tinder if their location keeps updating. Apparently the app only updates someone's location when opened/ used. Since then I realized he is using Tinder - a lot. Every time he travels for work, his location immediately updates. He must be on it most days.

Before anyone jumps at my throat, I know he is not doing anything wrong. We are not together, we are not in a committed relationship, he is not cheating on me. However I think 2 months into dating, if he really liked me he wouldn't be playing the field on Tinder every day. I’d like to see someone who is genuinely very excited about me (the same way I am about him), not someone who is keeping me around as a B plan and looking for something better in the meantime. This discovery is making me feel uneasy about the whole thing, and I am considering to cool it off.

I know many people would be totally cool with dating someone for months while he is still actively using dating apps/ dating around, but I realized that I am not. I appreciate that might mean I should consider whether OLD is for me or not, as that is pretty common practice.

OP posts:
Djnoun · 31/07/2018 09:04

Tinder updates your location automatically unless you log out of the app. You don't have to look at it for it to do this.

AnaViaSalamanca · 31/07/2018 09:13

I don't think this is normal. I would have pulled back if the didn't want to be exclusive, I would certainly not have started sleeping with him, but anyway, I think you should just have an adult discussion and tell him that you want to be in a committed relationship with him and if he doesn't want this, make a clean break of it rather than cooling off.

AnaViaSalamanca · 31/07/2018 09:15

Also, with respect, you sound very hesitant, you need to stop so much doubts and qualifying statements.

ShirleyPhallus · 31/07/2018 09:15

Why don’t you just talk to him and discuss if you’re in a relationship?

FWIW I don’t think that’s always the case with tinder - i have once deleted the app but didn’t realise I had to delete all the data off it so I was still showing as an active user

Original poster
Namila · 31/07/2018 09:25

AnaViaSalamanca I am so hesitant because this is the very first time I meet someone online and it progresses beyond the first date (mostly out of me not feeling the spark with previous men), so I am quite clueless about standards and expectations for online dating. I am open to being told my expectations are totally unreasonable, if that is the case.

OP posts:
userxx · 31/07/2018 09:41

I absolutely would not be ok with seeing someone for 2 months, sleeping with them and them still actively looking to date others. This might be the way of the modern world but its not my way. You shouldn't be feeling this uneasy and anxious, you should be giddy with excitement. I'm a big believer in gut instinct, follows yours.

Shoxfordian · 31/07/2018 09:43

If you feel he's treating you well and he's good to be around then just see how it goes. Tinder could be automatically updating locations, he's not necessarily logging in.

Beaverhausen · 31/07/2018 09:47

Firstly are you using condoms and being checked regularly? Especially as you do not know whether he is only having sex with you.

Secondly I guess the thing would be to give it another 4 weeks and then say you would prefer to be exclusive i.e no OLD and making it official i.e partners. If he is hesitant especially after 3 months you know this man is enjoying playing the field too much.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 31/07/2018 09:48

It sounds like game playing to me. If you want exclusivity and want him to be your boyfriend, then you need to ask him if that's what he also wants. If he says he wants to keep things casual, I would be pulling back a bit from him as it sounds like you're not on the same wavelength and you want different things. Personally I would want to know where I stood after 2 months of dating.
If he tells you he wants to date only you, then you can ask him to delete his account.

UkulelesAndFirepits · 31/07/2018 09:50

I'd end it.

I feel like I say this a lot on dating/new relationship threads but, honestly, life is too short.

If you want someone who is excited about you then end this and find someone who is excited about you.

Original poster
Namila · 31/07/2018 09:51

Firstly are you using condoms and being checked regularly? I am absolutely using condoms every single time and I get tested once a year.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namila · 31/07/2018 09:52

I absolutely would not be ok with seeing someone for 2 months, sleeping with them and them still actively looking to date others. This might be the way of the modern world but its not my way.

user this is exactly what I think, it might be standard these days, but it is not for me I am afraid.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namila · 31/07/2018 09:55

If you want someone who is excited about you then end this and find someone who is excited about you.

I think you summed this up well Ukulele. I don't like how insecure and stressed this situation is making me feel, my guts must be picking up clues that my brain can't see. I am usually not an insecure, clingy person and the fact that I am reacting this way to this guy is a pretty strong indication something is not right.

OP posts:
crimsonlake · 31/07/2018 10:09

Difficult one. I have had 2 similar experiences...
First one, we had not progressed to sleeping together, but spent a pleasant evening at his. I drove home went online to check his activity on OLD and as I was being inquisitive and there he was online about half an hour after I had left. He was dumped.
The second we had progressed to sleeping together, however in casual conversation he thought nothing of bringing up women he was chatting to on OLD. He seemed surprised to be dumped for some illogical reason.
It bothers you, so you really need to have the conversation with him.

Butterymuffin · 31/07/2018 10:12

Can someone else check on how the app actually works for you? If it's going OK then I would want to make sure it's not as Djnoun says. Otherwise I'd tell him that you'd prefer an exclusive relationship.

ShirleyPhallus · 31/07/2018 10:22

First one, we had not progressed to sleeping together, but spent a pleasant evening at his. I drove home went online to check his activity on OLD and as I was being inquisitive and there he was online about half an hour after I had left. He was dumped.

How do you know he wasn’t online to check if you were checking the dating app? If he looked you up he’d see you were actively using it too!

Original poster
Namila · 31/07/2018 10:58

Can someone else check on how the app actually works for you?

Buttery I suppose I can, but isn't it telling that I feel like I need to resort to such crazy measures to check on this guy? Surely I should not be feeling like this 2 months into dating!

OP posts:
Djnoun · 31/07/2018 11:26

I use Tinder quite a bit. I'm positive it refreshes your location automatically unless you specifically log out of the application on your phone. This is a red herring.

Butterymuffin · 31/07/2018 11:37

I don't see checking that this isn't down to technology as a 'crazy measure' tbh. It's a sensible check that what you're seeing is deliberate not accidental. Plus you haven't said that otherwise he is not behaving well. If there are other things he's said or done that you don't like, sure, but atm you seem to be basing the decision purely on what the app 'tells' you and if everything else is OK I would check on that. Up to you of course.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 31/07/2018 12:41

I would check if it's just the location thing. However if his profile is showing up repeatedly on there, that isn't a good sign. I've used similar dating sites and the profiles only show up in the feed if they are active or recently active. If not going on there at all, his profile shouldn't be popping up.

AngieNeri · 31/07/2018 12:43

Chocolate his profile can't show up in my cards as we are already matched. What I can see is his his updated location every time he leaves the city and travels for work.

Katgurl · 31/07/2018 12:45

This exact scenario happened with my DP and I when we were two months in except he just made a comment in passing which led me to say "are you still on tinder" and he confirmed he was but also said we hadn't decided we were in a relationship or not.

I stewed for a day and nearly finished with him in knee jerk fashion but then decided that was not the mature thing to do.

I phoned him and said the following -
I guess I was surprised but i shouldn't have assumed we were both on the same page.
You are right we are not exclusive.
However, just to be clear now this sort of arrangement just does not suit me. It might be ok for other women but I expect you to commit to me and only me if we are to continue on.
If you don't want to, that is absolutely fair enough and I really liked spending time with you.

His response was an overwhelming that he was mad about me and had found me difficult to read and hoped that we had a future together.

Even if his response had been the opposite I still would have been happy with my approach.

It's really important with dating imo to set your own standards and look for something that meets them. Never lower them for someone else. It's fine if they have different standards, that just means you're not compatible. But if you meet them on their terms all the time then they won't respect you and you won't respect yourself.

So please stop second guessing yourself.

You could ask him straight out if he still uses tinder and open a conversation about where he would like things to go with you.

If youre still worried do a bit of investigation like getting someone to match with him or whatever. If he has lied then dump him straight off.

Kaykay06 · 31/07/2018 12:50

So you’ve hidden your profile etc?
This is rather childish, have the grown up conversation about your relationship and then either continue dating exclusively as you seem to want or carry on trying to meet others.

If I’d met someone I liked enough to sleep with & date exclusively I’d have deleted Tinder, not sure why you’re still on there. You don’t sound sure about this guy, I wouldn’t like someone chatting and possibly dating others at the same time as me. I hope you manage to sort things out and he wants just you.

ScottishHeather44 · 31/07/2018 12:59

It's nothing to do with common practice. People are the same whether their meeting through online dating or any other way. Bottom line is that rather quickly people tend to make up their mind whether they want u fully & exclusively at least the Ines do who are right for u. If there is messing about or grey areas going on as is here then it's quite clear that u are plan B. It's only a matter of time b4 he finds someone else. It needs to be black & white right from the start as far as how these men treat u. Quite quickly they'll treat u with importance & not want to to have doubt. More to the point if u do have doubt then there's usually a good reason why your feeling this way. Us woman are rarely wrong when it comes to how we're feeling. So just cut him loose & don't settle for less. Scary I know to cut people off quite soon if it's not to your liking but it has to be done. None of us want to date lots of people & we want to settle. I get that's what u want but it's no reason to hang on. Get that instant good secure feeling instead. Search for that. He's just settling. Your good enough for now to him but your not mrs right.

ScottishHeather44 · 31/07/2018 13:05

Besides. If he was just checking online to see if u were online then it shows he's keen which means u can challenge him to delete the app as it's making u insecure & then you'll get your answer as to whether he's checking up on just u or really is checking other girls out.