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Original poster

Husband is confusing me

30 replies

Roozi · 31/07/2018 07:10

My husband and I have been married for 3 years and I've been thinking about having a baby for over a year now. My husband on the other hand is very scared and negative. Everytime I bring up the idea of having a baby or try to share my feelings with him about starting a family all he comments on is the negative. For example, after countless years of experience with my nephews and nieces, I often share with him how exciting and amazing it will be to have our own, share a bond with our own child, and go through a new journey together. Admittedly so, I see the bright side because I feel confident and excited about being a mother. However... everytime I make a comment or get excited his response is "there's nothing exciting about sleepless nights or a baby taking over life..." Or something else negative. He often says it's not the right time. When I ask him when the right time is, he doesn't have a solid answer. We are financially secure which I know is a concern for him. I'm starting to feel really down. I'm pushing down my feelings and desires to be a mother. Which I feel is making me resent my husband. I love him and I wish he was on the same page as me. I understand his rational approach but I wish he would throw me a bone sometimes and feel optimistic about it. We've talked a lot about this but nothing really comes of it. He remains stubborn and I am just waiting around for him to say yes. I don't wana rush him, and I understand his side...but I feel like time is passing us by and my resentment is growing. Sometimes I feel like I just want to have a baby without him. But then what's the point of our marriage? Sometimes he makes comments about not Even wanting kids anymore. Something he never said before we got married...he says because all the family and friends who have babies are always tired and Stressed and he only sees the Downside. He thinks pregnancy will destory me physically and mentally and why would I want to put myself through that.
How can I make him be a bit more optimistic about having a baby?
Is this a normal fear men have? We haven't even started to try...and I'm not sure how much more time I can wait before I'm turned off the idea of having a child specifically with someone who doesn't even want it.

OP posts:

CountessCon · 31/07/2018 07:22

You can’t make someone want a child, OP. I was like your husband. I had lots of experience with children, and was entirely clear-eyed about the downsides, which are indubitable, not ‘a fear men have’. Fortunately, I was considering having a child with someone equally ambivalent, and we worked it through together, and eventually did have a baby. Who is wonderful, but who has also made our lives harder in many ways. But if I’d been considering TTC with someone who was pressuring me and refusing to hear reasons not to, I would have probably dug my heels in.

Gottokondo · 31/07/2018 07:26

He doesn't want a baby. He even told you so. What are you waiting for? Either accept his decision or divorce and find someone who does want a baby. You cannot compromise on having children if one wants them and the other doesn't.

ThinkOfAWittyNameLater · 31/07/2018 07:36

Having a baby puts a huge amount of stress in on a relationship. You both need to be on the same page before, during & after pregnancy. There are thousands of choices to make, with the whole world and his wife judging you.

Don't do that with someone who would say (or think so loudly you can hear it) "I didn't even want this baby".

Love can turn to hate and nothing does that faster than a parent perceiving a threat to their child.

DontSmackThePony · 31/07/2018 08:18

I think you need to tell him it's time for a make or break conversation.

You went into this marriage believing you would have a family. He is now saying otherwise. While you respect he doesn't want children right now, if he feels he NEVER awants children you need to decide if that's enough for you or if you have to move on.

PP are right OP, you cant make somebody want children. At the same time, he has moved the goal posts after you married and you deserve to know the truth so you can make a decision.

Raindancer411 · 31/07/2018 08:19

I was with someone for 9 years and he was the same and was more about how it would affect his hobby. I hung on and on and nothing changed. He is in his 40s, still no kids but I moved on and had a child with someone else that I met and fell for. I look back and although don't regret the time with him, do wish I hadn't waited so long before I decided to give up.

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 31/07/2018 08:20

How old are you both?

Seniorschoolmum · 31/07/2018 08:34

In this situation, my best mate explained to her dh that telling a woman she can’t have a baby is like telling a man he can’t have sex. Ever.

That got the general scale of the problem across.

And yes, before anyone lays into me, I know there are exceptions & caveats

PolytheneSam · 31/07/2018 09:35

You're both right but you are each focusing on one consequence of having a baby:

Yes it develops bonds and a sense of facing life together as a team.

Yes it's very very hard work and you simply cannot take time off.

If you want a baby you focus on the first part if not on the second. To caricature if you are a woman the emotional and bonding side takes over if a man the practicalities do.

It is possible, even likely, that a man changes his mind and is besotted the moment the child is born, but it's a risk. Imagine all the complaining leading up to that moment while you are pregnant.

Shoxfordian · 31/07/2018 09:46

It doesn't seem like he wants a baby and he's right about how much work would be involved

datingdisaster41 · 31/07/2018 09:49

Well it sounds like he definitely doesn't want children, at least at this stage. You shouldn't try to persuade him - that won't end well. Did he say he wanted children with you before you married? Some people have no desire to have children ever - men and women - that's fine and they are entitled to that...you shouldn't see it as him being wrong. I would try to have an honest conversation about how your future looks together. You might have different visions. On the other hand, he might want children, just not yet. Your ages are obviously significant in this life plan. Good luck x

Bluntness100 · 31/07/2018 09:56

This is a conversation that should have been had and a path forward clear before marriage, but you are where you are.

Bottom line is the person who doesn't want a child trumps the person who does. You cannot force someone to be a parent against their will.

As such, the decision is now on you to decide to continue in the marriage and possibly forego parenthood or leave and look for another partner.

Do not throw ultimatiums at him hoping for the best, that once a baby is here he will change, you will simply end up a single parent, and deeply resenting each other.

Seaweed42 · 31/07/2018 10:29

It's really all about him, isn't it? If you look closely at him, you will probably see he is like this about other things too - scared and negative. Holidays, making changes to the house, etc. Is everything you suggest met with 'why would you want to do that' or 'well, that'll only make x happen so we better not'. I bet it is most of the time, unless it's something he has suggested.
You say "he thinks pregnancy will destory me physically and mentally and why would I want to put myself through that". That's blamey bullshit trying to make out he is concerned about you when it's really all about him and how HIS cosy life will be impacted.
In reality he is saying to himself ' my wife will change, I won't have her the way I want her anymore, her body will change and I'll have to share her with a baby. And my life will be impacted by a screaming brat'. Me, me, me, how will this affect me is his first thought.

Bluntness100 · 31/07/2018 10:31

Seaweed, that's very unfair, and to then project it onto the rest of his behaviour is appalling,

If the op didn't want a baby but her husband did would you post this same thing? This is not about gender. Not wanting a child does not make someone a bad person.

Joysmum · 31/07/2018 10:36

I was ready to try for kids 4 years before my DH.

Difference is, I could rely on the fact that he did want children one day.

OliviaBenson · 31/07/2018 11:59

He's not confusing you, I think he's telling you what you don't want to hear.

Bananamanfan · 31/07/2018 12:31

Not admitting that you don't want a baby until after you are married is extremely selfish and I do agree with Seaweed that it sounds like fake concern to jutify his poor behaviour.

Notmany · 31/07/2018 12:41

He's not ready to have a child at the moment, perhaps never will be. If you didn't discuss this before getting married then you need to accept your part in this situation however things change so you need to think about whether this is a deal breaker or just a timing issue.

As for PPs accusing the DH of being selfish, wtf?! Surely you should give very serious thought to how having a child might impact you and your relationship, that is responsible behaviour. I can't imagine that even being suggest if genders were reversed.

Bluntness100 · 31/07/2018 14:42

Not admitting that you don't want a baby until after you are married is extremely selfish

As is not expressing you wish one and taking rhe conversation if you want to go there.

Neither are right in this scenario. Neither are bad people in reality. They simply didn't address it enough and were probably vague with one another, didn't think it through,

Not wanting a child doesn't make someone a selfish person or a bad one. Plenty of folks don't want kids.

Bluntness100 · 31/07/2018 14:45

I can't imagine that even being suggest if genders were reversed

Agree, it's like some folks think if a woman wants a child that should be the trump card, and if she doesn't want a child that's also the trump card, the man needs to go along with it either way.

Gender is irrelevant, it doesn't matter if it's a man or a woman who doesn't wish a child, that is always the trump card and the person who doesn't want the child has to have their decision respected. The other persons decision is either to accept it or move on to someone who does.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 31/07/2018 16:34

I think you need to both sit down and have a very honest and open discussion.

Unfortunately, this is a non-negotiable situation, you can't have half a baby or a part-time baby. If you commit to it, yes it's hard work and there is no 'off' time. But if he's not committed to it, he will be resentful and you'll probably find yourself doing most of the childcare, which you'll then resent.

You haven't said how old you are, but if this is a deal-breaker for you, you need to be honest about it. Did he know when you got married how important this was for you? And if he knew that he didn't want kids, he should have been honest about it upfront.

Either way, some difficult conversations to be had. Good luck.

dirtybadger · 31/07/2018 16:43

It sounds like he doesnt want kids. Hes not being "negative" (IMO). The negative things are realistic and not exaggerated (sleepless nights, etc).

Difference is that he may not see the benefits you do. If he doesnt want kids, then there are no benefits.

If someone asked me what the benefits of having children are, my honest answer as someone who doesnt want them (but actually loves kids generally)...is that they make some people happy. Which is true. But they wouldnt make me happy. There would be no benefit for me. If your DH doesnt want DC then this may be how he is seeing it. Hopefully Im projecting, but you need to establish if he wants DC. And if so, why not now? If he can give you something objective and sensible then fine, overcome that hurdle and reevaluate. If hes still saying no....hes having you on!

AngelsSins · 31/07/2018 18:55

If he led you along before marriage, by saying he wanted kids, and since, has changed his tune, he could very well have manipulated you - he wouldn’t be the first. Or he could have just changed his mind, im not sure you’ll ever know.

If you’re young, then it wouldn’t hurt to wait a few years and then reassess, assuming you’d be happy to. But you’d also be perfectly entitled to walk away now as you’ve found that you have fundamental differences.

Failingat40 · 31/07/2018 19:06

A male relative of mine felt like this after coming to the realisation that the woman he married turned into a lazy, nagging nit picker who had medical issues and had him working two jobs and doing all the dog walking, cooking and his own washing and ironing while she did very little.

He said the thought of bringing a child into that was enough to make him run for the hills...and he did.

I think your husband sounds as if he's got the situation fairly well sussed and won't be likely to change his mind. The danger is if you were to trap him he'd make a poor father anyway. Accept what he says or move on.

There's no guarantee with having kids what you'll get and it's certainly not always rewarding. (I speak from bitter experience)

HollowTalk · 31/07/2018 19:10

Is he normally a negative man? I would be really depressed living with someone like that.

category12 · 31/07/2018 19:32

You need to sit down with him and really talk about whether he wants to have dc at all. It sounds like he doesn't, like if he once did he's changed his mind. So establish if that's the case.

If it is, then you need to decide if that's a dealbreaker for you.

Don't hang about not taking him seriously about this or assuming he'll change his mind given enough time. Take him seriously. You don't say how old you are, but be aware that your fertility has a finite window, and his doesn't.

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