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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex causing huge strain on my relationship

42 replies

dreamerkat · 31/07/2018 06:56

Hi Ladies, I need relationship advice. I try to make the long story short-ish. I divorced my ex husband 3 years ago as he started to be abusive towards me when I was pregnant with our children and after. It was mostly verbal and emotional abuse, not helping with childcare, calling me all sorts of nasty names, but there were physical elements too like throwing things at me, pushing me against the door etc. I got a non molestation order and got him kicked out of our jointly owned house and reported him for breaking the non mol. He is serving community order and was fined. I have a new partner and my ex is very nasty towards him too. Even tho he was a total ass towards me, in the last year I did small favours for him like letting him come into the house to collect his belongings instead of just throwing things on the street and when he was completely broke (he lost his job because of an injury and because of the court cases) I lent him money so he can take the kids somewhere and buy them food. I'm also trying to remortgage the house so he can get the money from it. My partner thinks I'm doing these things because I still have feelings for him or I feel sorry for him or guilty but I just feel that even though he is the devil himself unfortunately he is still the father of my children and I'm just trying to do decent things. It puts a huge strain on my relationship with my partner (whose child I'm expecting very soon) as he is unable to see things from my point of view, mostly I think because simply he just can't imagine being in my situation. He thinks that by doing things like this I'm insulting him and being inconsiderate and also that my ex is taking advantage of my goodwill. I sort of understand where he is coming from but I just can't be the hateful, revengeful person he wants me to be. I also feel that it is my house and it is my money so it's a bit unfair to tell me what to do with it. Is he being unreasonable or am I really a big fool and I should just block my ex and not give him anything at all?

OP posts:
Geordiegirl1988 · 31/07/2018 06:59

I certainly wouldn't be remortgaging my house to give an ex money ! That's crazy

ConfusedWife1234 · 31/07/2018 07:01

How much money was it you lend him, OP?

Coolhotsummer · 31/07/2018 07:02

Why are you helping him financially three years after the divorce? Does the financial settlement require you to remortgage your home?

Shortstuff08 · 31/07/2018 07:03

If you are divorced, why are you remortgaging?

Surely any financials were sorted during the divorce

Quartz2208 · 31/07/2018 07:07

You should block him it’s nit been hateful it’s not been suvkered in again

AuntieStella · 31/07/2018 07:11

You do not need to give him any financial assistance other than that specified in the financial settlement made at the time of the divorce.

If for some reason there wasn't one, get one now, otherwise this could rumble on for ages.

The decent thing now is to have good boundaries, and to pay what you owe. And if that means going back to get a binding agreement about what is owed, then get in and do that.

Having him retrieve his stuff in a normal fashion is also a decent thing to do (not a concession).

You cannot just block your XP, as you have DC together. However, working out a way to minimise contact and to keep it solely about the DC/admin is a good idea.

UnmentionedElephantDildo · 31/07/2018 07:14

Did he also ask to borrow your car?

You need to stop giving him money to take the DC out. He needs to pay for those visits, and if necessary find free/cheap things to do. He is an adult and needs to run his own budget.

Gottokondo · 31/07/2018 07:15

Your children need a stable home, why are you making your situation more unstable by remortgaging the house? You are really not helping the children with this decision. I think you should put your energy in your own family, including new DP. EX is a grown man and will have to sort out himself. I also wonder if you have feelings for ex since you are so involved with his life and finances.

RabbitsAreTasty · 31/07/2018 07:16

Even by your own telling of the story you seem a bit of a mug.

Has ex repaid you anything you lent him when he was out of work?

Has he got a new job yet?

Why couldn't he afford food when out of work?

Are you seriously remortgaging to give him more handouts? Did you tell your lender the real purpose of the money?

mummmy2017 · 31/07/2018 07:18

Now I understand her giving the money so the children get food, maybe you could do packed lunches instead.

As to your partner remind him your care and worries are part of who you are and why he is with you. He is the man you love, and can he not see it means you are not a nasty person.

Shortstuff08 · 31/07/2018 08:13

He is the man you love, and can he not see it means you are not a nasty person.

It means she is a mug. Would you want your partner to be financing their ex forever?

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 31/07/2018 08:29

You are in an abuse cycle. You are still taking care of your exH in the way married people do because you have been conditioned by years of abuse. This is normal in these cases and you need counseling to get out of this situation... but also to avoid future abusers.

I would say that I would feel it is a bit idiotic providing for an abusive exhusband (sorry) but the fact that your new partner feels insulted and wonders if you still love the exH is a massive red flag too.

I understand however, that you want to ensure your children are ok when they are out with him but don’t give him money to buy them things, just send them with a packed lunch when they are out for the day.

Now, if he has been arrested for breaching a non molestation order and you have allowed him to get back into the house as if nothing had happened.... it is totally inconceivable but part of the mechanics of domestic abuse, so I insist, please get yourself some counseling, find a way to do the freedom programme so you can step out of this cycle. It is not your new man or the ex that need to change, it is you who are perpetuating this situation. Seek help, you need it. Flowers

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 31/07/2018 08:34

She is not a mug, she is a victim of domestic abuse who is still showing the trauma of it, so don’t go on abusing her further, she needs support not unnecessarily nasty comments.

Original poster
dreamerkat · 31/07/2018 10:28

Thank you for all the replies. The house and finances are not settled due to various factors and he still owns half of the house on paper. I'm pretty sure when we get to the point the court can rule that I keep the house and he sees his money when the kids grow up. I'm remortgaging because I want his name off the deed and him completely out of my life save for childrens visitations. I don't feel sorry for his financial difficulties as he brought it on himself but I do understand him wanting his money from the house and if I'm in the position to do that I rather be the decent one and do that. Whatever I've lent him he paid back next week.

OP posts:
Original poster
dreamerkat · 31/07/2018 10:44

@notsure Thank you, I tried to get counselling and they signed me up to the freedom programme, I have called them every single week and always got the answer that they are pretty full and I got to the point when I just gave up as it would have been quite difficult between my job and two kids and now also heavily pregnant anyway.
I have let him in the house to retrieve his stuff before he broke the non mol, not after.
Also can you explain your red flag comment pls.

OP posts:
rainingcatsanddog · 31/07/2018 10:51

Are you open with your partner about these loans? Sometimes people keep loans secret to avoid their partner being pissed off. It is their money but dishonesty is not going to help build a strong relationship. If you are having a baby with your partner, aren't you in a shared finances situation? I can see why he would rather not have your ex involved.

I see why you would lend money to feed the kids though.

Original poster
dreamerkat · 31/07/2018 11:03

Rainingcatsanddog, no we are not in shared finances yet and probably never will be, I learned from my previous mistake and money is a matter we have completely different views on so I don't think it would be a good idea. I have to add that I have been struggling with my children lately, I feel they are just fighting all day long and I'm at my wits end especially being pregnant and not having the energy to deal with it so I NEED my ex to take them just to keep my sanity really. And when he tells me he doesn't even have money for petrol and food I cave in.. I know he is using my situation against me but honestly, what can I do?

OP posts:
Farahilda · 31/07/2018 12:08

"I'm pretty sure when we get to the point the court can rule that I keep the house and he sees his money when the kids grow up. I'm remortgaging because I want his name off the deed"

Guessing what a court order might be in future is immensely unwise. Please don't even think about remortgaging etc other than as part of the undertakings of an agreed financial settlement, endorsed by the courts.

Coolhotsummer · 31/07/2018 12:28

Have you had legal advice re your post-divorce finances? The court ordered the sale of my home and I had small children so don’t bank on anything but obviously everyone’s circumstances are different.

hairymoragthebampot · 31/07/2018 12:52

Your current relationship will fail as you haven’t disentangled yourself from your last one. My OH was tough when my ex played games and was clear we were over unless I changed my behaviour as he could see what I was doing and wasn’t going to play second fiddle to an abusive man. When you make statements like ‘what can I do’? Eh -stop asking your ex to save you from managing your DC because there a little challenging and giving him money to do so because you feel sorry for him. He is no longer your husband and it’s your current partner who should be supporting you when your struggling, why are you reaching out to your ex?

SillySallySingsSongs · 31/07/2018 12:54

I'm pretty sure when we get to the point the court can rule that I keep the house and he sees his money when the kids grow up.

They may do, but it certainly isn't the only option by any means.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 31/07/2018 13:00

So you know if you stop his money he will not take the kids?

It is going to hurt his ego if you stop giving him cash and I’d bet my life he refuses to see them

As long as he has agreed to be removed from the mortgage AND deeds then I think you are wise to get rid of him

At least then he will have money to look after his kids

RabbitsAreTasty · 31/07/2018 13:12

Surely this is the perfect moment to get the financial settlement sorted?

He wants the money, you are in a position to buy him out, surely you could both go to mediation and get it all agreed pretty quickly?

Why delay?

Original poster
dreamerkat · 31/07/2018 13:30

Coolhotsummer, your situation must have been very unique as the court should always protect the children. Yes I did take legal advice from my own solicitor and an independent one and they both said that if we have no other assets, which we haven't than I'm more than likely to get 70% if we sell but if i don't want to, he will just get the money when the kids are 18. We agreed on 60%-40% outside court which he will get if I get the remortgage, which I'm not delaying but it isn't easy to get a mortgage on my own with two dependants.
To the other commenters, it is not like I'm giving him money every weekend, it happened maybe twice and we are talking about small amounts.
And to the one saying I should not get support from my ex this way.. Well he is their dad and it's his responsibility and I don't think you have the right to judge me because I don't think you are in my shoes and we are not talking about misbehaving a little. There are other major issues but I'm not going to defend myself and list all of them..

OP posts:
Coolhotsummer · 31/07/2018 14:45

It used to be common that the wife stayed with the children in the family home but times have changed and it’s not a dead cert any more but like I said everyone’s circumstances are different. I did get a greater share of the equity when the house sold.