Ex causing huge strain on my relationship

[dreamerkat]

Hi Ladies, I need relationship advice. I try to make the long story short-ish. I divorced my ex husband 3 years ago as he started to be abusive towards me when I was pregnant with our children and after. It was mostly verbal and emotional abuse, not helping with childcare, calling me all sorts of nasty names, but there were physical elements too like throwing things at me, pushing me against the door etc. I got a non molestation order and got him kicked out of our jointly owned house and reported him for breaking the non mol. He is serving community order and was fined. I have a new partner and my ex is very nasty towards him too. Even tho he was a total ass towards me, in the last year I did small favours for him like letting him come into the house to collect his belongings instead of just throwing things on the street and when he was completely broke (he lost his job because of an injury and because of the court cases) I lent him money so he can take the kids somewhere and buy them food. I'm also trying to remortgage the house so he can get the money from it. My partner thinks I'm doing these things because I still have feelings for him or I feel sorry for him or guilty but I just feel that even though he is the devil himself unfortunately he is still the father of my children and I'm just trying to do decent things. It puts a huge strain on my relationship with my partner (whose child I'm expecting very soon) as he is unable to see things from my point of view, mostly I think because simply he just can't imagine being in my situation. He thinks that by doing things like this I'm insulting him and being inconsiderate and also that my ex is taking advantage of my goodwill. I sort of understand where he is coming from but I just can't be the hateful, revengeful person he wants me to be. I also feel that it is my house and it is my money so it's a bit unfair to tell me what to do with it. Is he being unreasonable or am I really a big fool and I should just block my ex and not give him anything at all?

It also depends if your exh agrees. Mine would not contemplate it.

which we haven't than I'm more than likely to get 70% if we sell but if i don't want to, he will just get the money when the kids are 18.

It's not just about what you want. Court will do what is fair for both of you and your DC, which may be selling the house now.

Your prioritising your ex and not your current partner. I am not sure why you are bending over for an abusive ex. As for my comment about support . You being pregnant and finding your Dc difficult isn’t for your ex to support you with.

Hairy, I'm not asking him for extra time just the bi weekly weekend away. My partner does help a lot and tries his best to exhaust and entertain them but he works long hours and not around that much and sometimes I just need them away. Also they are not his children so every time he is with them I feel it's not his responsibility and feel guilty for being unable to run around with them..

If you live with your new partner it is actually very likely that a court will rule for you to sell.

Cohabitation is a trigger usually in selling after divorce.

I don't think OP is listening to the posters who are pointing out the risks of making financial arrangements when there is no order in place.

It is not unusual for the FMH to need to be sold, even when DC are still minors. It all depends on the individual circumstances, and whether the former spouses can both afford to house themselves, with space for DC to reside there for whatever proportion of the time each parent has residency. If this is not all agreed properly, it can get very messy. That is a situation best avoided. Which is why you really need to get on with the settlement.

Fairly early on in my relationship with DP, he was still giving EXW money that she wasn't entitled to (long story that I won't bore everyone with). I found out that the real reason he was caving in was she was threatening to kill herself and youngest DD.

I've stood in your DP's shoes. It's not about being hateful and revengeful, it's about being pragmatic and not threatening the good relationship you have now.

Does he pay child support?

I can see it from your current partner's POV... but also realise you need a break from your DC.

It's hard because your ex is a pretty useless dad who can't feed his own kids.

Do they enjoy spending time with him?

OP, does your current partner want you to cut your ex out of your and your DCs lives, or just want you to take a step back? If it’s the latter, I think he’s right.

A lot of women who end up in abusive relationships are people pleasers, and I wonder if this is you. You seem to believe that taking a step back from your ex, and not helping him, would be hateful and revengeful but that’s not the case. There’s a middle ground which is to detach from the past and move forward, realise that you don’t owe your ex anything, he’s using you and taking advantage of your kind nature. It’s not healthy for you.

I understand that you need a break from the kids and so want him to take the kids on his days, even if it means you have to pay, but is there someone else who could help you out a little? Of course he still gets to see his kids, but you don’t pay for it! He’s an adult, it’s his job to pay for his own children, and if he cares for the,, he will.

If your partner is a good man and makes you happy, please don’t risk losing him over a ten a penny, abusive, fuckwit of an ex!

I have also been in your DP’s shoes as a partner to a man who was constantly making these allowances. He also constantly said it was ‘for the kids’ and because he wanted to be a bigger person but IMO the more he gave the more she expected... in certain he paid for her holiday, he paid all the Xmas presents every year, gave her money she never paid back, didn’t follow through on the divorce order regarding the house (and taking his share from the house as she agreed to buy him out but then never did), lent her his car, dropped all his plans (me) to help her out

I was so low down the list they may as well have stayed married! That’s how it felt to me. I felt like I had no place in his life and no future

I can imagine your partner might feel the same. I walked away

Farahilda, I'm listening to everybody, that's why I posted the thread. If I remortgage an pay him out it will be only on a clean break basis. And after that I won't give him a penny. I do not live with my NP and with my ex's abusive past I do not think any court would order me to sell with two young kids, a newborn and cats and dogs. I simply wouldn't be able to find or afford a rented place. Hopefully I find out the final answer about the mortgage this week, I will be able to pay him out and put an end to his harassment over money. Thank you for those advices who said they were in my DP's shoes. I do understand his point of view and I know he just tries to protect me from my ex's further abuse but I also feel I'm able to draw the line and only give in to my ex's harassment if there is something in it for me too. I certainly wouldn't lend him my car or pay for their holiday etc. Even though the court hasn't ordered anything I do feel I owe him because of the house.

Don’t remortgage and give him money till you have a court order rubber stamped by a judge agreeing your proposal.

What if you remortgage, give him the money and in court he fights for more equity?

You don’t have anything legal saying that you’re remortgaging and handing over cash now will be the end of your financial involvement with each other.

You need to ensure before you do anything you have your court orders in place.

And as for judges never make children homeless, you’re in a relationship with and expecting another mans child, your new partners financial status may be taken into account and your ex may be able to get more money by wanting the house sold when it gets to court.

Don’t make any big moves without a court order.

You’re not being cruel and full of hate if you don’t help your abusive ex out financially. You really need to stop helping him, not to be heartless but to set boundaries for your own sake otherwise he is still having a hold over you.

I don’t do my abusive ex any favours at all simply because in my experience I give an inch he will take a mile and keep on pushing for more. He does it because he’s abusive and for years was used to getting his own way through cocersive control. Your ex no doubt thinks and behaves very similarly.

Years gone by I was like you and did ex favours but had to learn the hard way to not that any longer. He was still controlling me while that was going on.

I’m with Farahilda, you cannot simply assume that the court will allow you to stay because you have young dependents. If he is financially screwed up the court will force a sale so you are in equal footing as he also has to provide accommodation for his children to have contact.

I fought to be allowed to stay at the FMH in court for several years, he was earning far more than me and not having any contact with his young child anymore.

3 years in court and it was ruled the house should be sold to give him a small amount (20% of the equity) as it was only fair that he got some of the assets to provide a deposit for a small place so contact could be resumed.

He moved 2 weeks later into a house worth 5 times the value of the FMH and has not shown any signs that he wants to re establish contact in all these years afterwards. So don’t assume anything until you have a court order/ consent in front if you.

Considering you are now in a different relationship with a strong link like a baby being expected. The court may also consider your needs under the light of the support you may be getting from your NP.

When it comes to courts, don’t asume anything, it is all open to interpretation.

I do not live with my NP and with my ex's abusive past I do not think any court would order me to sell with two young kids, a newborn and cats and dogs

Do not assume anything. They may delay it for 6months/a year max but I very very much doubt until the youngest is 18.

As has been said, you are co habiting which in courts eyes is more often than not a trigger for selling.

It wouldn't just be you looking for somewhere to rent. You are living with someone and pregnant by them. They have responsibility too.

*not cohabiting but in a relationship and pregnant by them so it wlill be takem into consideration.

Giving him "his money" out of the house on remortgage will only be "on a clean break basis" if it is documented as such in a properly-drafted legally binding document, which may need to be sealed by the Court. Do NOT give your ex any money on remortgage if you don't have a lawyer dealing with the documentation for you, or you may find that your ex comes back later claiming that he is entitled to more of the equity in your house,