Pregnant with 3rd child and he left and now seeing someone 18 years younger

[Azadewow]

First time poster, but really struggling to cope, so this might be a long one...

We have a 3 year old DD and a 1.5 DS, and I am now pregnant with 3rd EDD new years eve. I am 29 and he is 35.

We have had a very strained relationship for 4 out of 5 years, some of it due to losing a baby during our first year together, and some of it due to both having temperaments. We have broken up and hot back together within a day or week countless times. When I was pregnant with DS, we broke up more seriously and he sent me to go visit my mum in Greece for a month, to take some time to cool off. We were supposed to work on us, but one night he missed our Skype date night and disappeared, and 2ith some digging I discovered he had signed up to dating site within a day of me leaving and he had been chatting to someone whom that night had come to our house... Long story short, he started a relationship with this woman with 3 kids, had met her kids and parents within the next month and didn't see our daughter as he was spending all his time with her in a different town. I did all the stupid desperate things to get him back, eventually started moving on and then he came back, and like a mug I took him back.... We still continued our breaking up during arguments until I gave birth where we had a good few months.

Despite taking him back, I have him a hard time about his whereabouts and contact with females as I was paranoid he would cheat on me. I would stalk his location via find my phone, go through his social media and WhatsApp. He would be resentful but I didn't trust him. Eventually I relaxed a bit but would still check his WhatsApp msgs, mostly cause he had a group chat for work, and there was gossip and I was bored at home with 2 kids. Anyway this is how one morning when he was sleeping I saw a msg that arrived after he fell asleep from a female coworker. Seemed very random, without much previous conversation, so I was suspicious. I deleted and reinstall WhatsApp and there it was, a bunch of texts between them telling her how beautiful she was and that he thought he had feelings for her! She was married with 2 kids. I confronted him and her, who of course claimed she didn't know we were still together, and she was just playing along to him to get extra hrs at work (he was the store manager)

Seriously WTAF! I’m going to be blunt not to be unkind but you seem totally unaware how toxic your relationship was. Please take the time now to focus on what’s best for your children because your car crash of a marriage, wasn’t.

Posted too soon! Broke up again, eventually forgave him and we got back together. In the meantime all these years he has been abusive to me verbally, physically, emotionally... I threw plates at him a few times... One time he punched and kicked me on the kitchen floor with my daughter present, to the point my head bled... He put me to lie down cleaned my head and went out for a coffee... I am an eu citizen and everytime I tried leaving him, I was denied benefits. So kept getting back to him, as couldn't support me and the kids, and he said if I tried taking kids to Greece to my mum he would take me to court and take custody of the kids, as during these years I have been put on antidepressants and went to hospital due to having suicidal thoughts... So he would prove I was too unstable to be a mum... So I kept going back. Now, we got into debt got evicted from the house. We were waiting for eviction without any house lined up so I went to see my mum with the kids for 6 weeks in may/June, while he looked for a house. While away I found out I was 2.5 months pregnant. We decided to get married. Came back, arguments started. He wanted to become a streamer on twitch a s a job? And was playing PC games all day while I was struggling with the kids. Things came to a head, and I smashed his PC..
He moved out and into his sisters. We found a house, I paid for everything to be moved. Me and the kids moved, he continued living at his sisters, with barely seeing kids for 2-3hrs a week. He maintained he didn't know if we were over over, as he felt resentful about the PC. I continued stalking his media and location cause was convinced there was someone else.

I am now 19 weeks pregnant. We have gone a week at a time with no contact and him not seeing kids. When I ve tried contacting him, he would often just ignore me. On Monday last week I tried talking to him and he told me to go jump off a bridge and go die in a ditch. On Friday, I went to a friend's birthday party, and had no money for a taxi so I had to walk home at 1 am, but he refused to walk me home and didn't even check I got home OK. Yesterday I saw pics of him and a girl on social media and confronted him. He admitted that they have kissed a few times and are spending time together. She is 17 and he is 35! She is a coworker of his, and I had asked him since I came back from holidays if there was going something on with her, which he kept denying

I thought I had started healing and was better off without him, but now I feel so extremely hurt. Now I keep seeing pics of them going out for meals and having fun at his sisters house(who also works with them, and doesn't like me)

I am so incredibly hurt that I am thinking of terminating my pregnancy. I am struggling financially, using maintenance to pay 2 weeks rent, child benefit to pay 1 weeks rents, and I get some help from my grandma from Greece. I am doing everything alone, while he is out having fun, without a worry in the world, and occasionally remembering about kids... I ve had to stop him visiting the kids, since he would come for an hour, and then leave and the kids would be in a worse state, DD crying where is my daddy gone, inconsolable.

I have been off my antidepressants and having suicidal thoughts again. Feeling completely unworthy and unloved.

All my friends hate him, cause he treats me like shit, and all his friends hate me, cause he makes me look like the bad guy always.

He is a lying, narcissistic dick, yet I keep wishing I could change things, and we could get a happy family. The irony:I am a psychologist and I know how unhealthy all this is, and I am better off without him...yet I can't feel miserable and resentful and hurt..and keep messaging him and calling him for attention...

The title says shes 18 years younger. Is the 17 year old married with two kids?

Either way as above. This relationship is and was finished, you can do better. Look after your children and focus on yourself.

Oh sorry cross posted!!

AgentJohnson oh no I am completely aware how toxic it's been

The logical art of me knows, I am better off without him, but at the same time, I feel so low. Like why did he treat me like this, and now he gets to be happy seeing someone else, living a carefree life and I am pregnant with 2 toddlers and get no help. I am no angel, but I don't deserve the way he treats me. Yet I can't help myself to still look at his social media and call and msg him and try for him to be nicer to me... I suppose I got addicted to all his drama, and love bombing and gaslighting...

Anyone? Feeling so low this morning

Your relationship from the start has been completely toxic. Why oh why did you have THREE children with this man? especially considering you say you are not entitled to benefits in this country to help support your children?

He is doing the right thing by moving on from your relationship, you need to do the same. Focus on your children and bring them up in safe, stable environment. You need to think about what is best for your three children.

I'm sorry you are going through such a bad time, and the horrible violence you have experienced, but I really think this new girlfriend regardless of her age is the least of your worries.

You seem to be in a very unstable situation regarding your finances and mental health, which isn't helped by obsessing over his new relationship.

I would suggest calling Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247 for advice and making an urgent appointment with your GP to discuss your mental health and your feelings about your pregnancy.

Your first priority needs to be yourself and your children, not him and what he's doing.

I also think you have had many children very quicky. Your whole relationship has been babies or baby making, or, im sorry, losing babies. You havent had a relationship where you got to know him.
I know you shouldnt tell people what to do in this situation but: go to the gp get some antidepressants safe in pregnancy. Dont terminate, at this stage it's highly traumatic. Talk to your midwife and get some support in place eg homestart etc so you have help. Give up on this relationship, create boundaries, if he wants contact with kids do so at a contact centre. You need to get away from this man x

Right, this whole relationship has been a mistake but you have 3 beautiful children now who need you to start making good choices. The simple answer is that everything will be ok if you properly extract yourself from this relationship and hopefully he’ll be useless enough to not bother with contact with the kids. I don’t say this lightly because ideally children have a relationship with their father regardless of estrangement with their mother but he is simply a bad bad man and they’d be better off without him.

What are you thinking for your next move OP? I think it would be good to get his abuse logged somewhere in case of custody disputes. Greece is not an option right now but if you play it quietly for the next few years and he disappears off the scene you might be able to go in the end. Do you have somewhere to live properly that he has no access to?

Please reach out to the professionals you need. Definitely GP to review mental health and get support and medication where needed. Possibly the police to log historic abuse. Maybe SS to get some support, advice and to get in writing your concerns about your DD witnessing domestic abuse. Women’s aid for advice.

You need somewhere safe and affordable to live for the next while so you can come to terms with the break up and make plans and sort out your mental health.

Yeah you need to properly end the relationship in your own mind and don't think of going back to him

He is NEVER going to change, Leave him if not for yourself for your kids sake.
Your relationship is horrific you will never fix it.
You are teaching your children that this is how a relationship is, their lives must be hell having to watch this level of abuse.
Do it for your kids.

Thank you all for the replies. I know the relationship has been awful, and I should have long left it. My single mum raised me, and while I admire it for it, I ve always wanted to have a "proper" family, the stereotypical mum dad and kids

Yes I know we rushed through things, and through MN I realised that he lovebombed me and gaslighted me from the beginning. He proposed to me within 6 months of meeting me, and I didn't even know until much later he was actually engaged to someone else when we first met. He has been the typical narcissistic abuser. Being amazingly loving and sweet to suck me in, then gradually starting and upping his abuse, blaming me and my behavior for his temper and actions. I know I wasn't an angel, I occasionally threw dishes at him during arguments... Worst thing he has done? Punching me. And kicking me on the kitchen floor till my head bled, then he cleaned me up put me in bed and went for a Costa... At the end of the incident I was the one actually cheering him up telling him he is not a terrible person. How fucked is that?

I do recognise I ha e issues and I shouldn't have put up with any of these, but this wasn't the first relationship with abuse I have been in and I guess I kept minimising things and behaviour, and I still feel like a lot of it has been my fault? If I wasn't so stubborn, or defiant, or dunno, digging for the truth always?

Reagrding kids: yes I shouldn't have gotten pregnant with him, sex was the only good thing we had going, and he couldn't perform with a condom, so I stupidly would make barely any protest when he would take it off, and he didn't want me on any other birth control. He always wanted where I go, why didn't I answer me phone, why was I late. But if I asked about his whereabouts, all hell would break lose, and he would say I was controlling him etc.

I know his new gf is the least of my worries, but finding that out yesterday on top of everything else that has happened... Dunno just seemed to be the last drop to tip me over.

I have no doubt that he found her as his next target, young, vulnerable easy to control and manipulate. I feel sorry for her a bit cause I know it will just end with heartbreak for her. But I can't help look at their pics on social media, and be resentful about how happy they are and carefree, while I am all alone in a different country, trying to cope with 2 kids while pregnant and barely making ends meet.

I have thought about reporting to police and SS but he always said if I did he would report me and take the kids away due to my mental health issues, which I only have cause of him? I mean I did have a bit od depression before I met him, but nowhere near to the point I do now...

Friends keep saying I should stop contact between him and kids, but I feel selfish if I do it. Some days I feel like he is an addiction and I need to go cold turkey no contact to get "sober", but I can't even avoid seeing him in town, as it's a really small place.

Sorry once again I got carried away with a wall of text. I just so need to vent today

I changed plans for him to be able to see our DD on her birthday today. He said no he can't cause he has to go clean the Store he works at. He doesn't have to, he is just a workaholic... And I am sure it was a lie. Anyway I tied calling him and talk to him about him and he would just say fuck off and hang up on me. So I stood up for myself and the kids, I cannot force him to spend tune with her on her birthday or in general, and I am not going to waste any more time trying. And due to his behaviour I will no longer have direct contact with him and if he wants to have contact with the kids he better arrange some in a contact center through mediation. And then blocked him from WhatsApp and social media. I did leave him the option of contacting me via email, though I didn't tell him. I feel though that may be best as I can respond whenever I feel less stressed about it. Today is DD birthday so not going to get much done. But tomorrow I will definitely call child maintenance and get them to put an earnings attachment as don't see him paying any other way.

Hi OP , I am sorry to hear about all that you are going through. I have been there . Take it one day at a time starting from today and give the birthday princess a good birthday to the best of your abilities.

Set yourself a new target each day and it will get better with time .

Keep posting on here if you need to vent .

Happy birthday to your DD 🎂

Maybe the best immediate way forward is to focus on practical issues. Can you work as a psychologist here? Do you need to see the GP about going back on medication? Do you need to be referred for an assessment for your mental health? Do you want this pregnancy to continue? Would life be easier for you and the two children you have if you had two rather than three children to support?

If you can't claim benefits you'll need to work. If you think supporting, feeding, housing and childcare costs for two children is hard, it's harder still with three.

Regards him, put every communication in writing. Email is best. Ask him to agree set times to see children. Ask for a set amount of maintenance. Ask him his earnings. Keep a record of everything. Do not communicate with him about anything else.

You have to get your shit together. You. Not him. You can't do anything to fix him. He's no longer your problem.

Unfortunately you don't have the privilege of heeling yourself, paying for therapy, relaxing, taking time out, .. . . .all you can do is push yourself forward to put your lives (for the sake of your children) back together. Later on you'll find time or money and maybe properly address your issues. You don't have time to sit around wallowing now. You don't have the luxury of falling apart or dithering about asking "what ifs"

I have made an application for universal credit, thought doubt I will get anything. I am still undecided on whether to go through with pregnancy. I know logically by terminating I have a better chance of being able to provide for my 2.but on the other hand at this stage I know how the baby will look, an dit will be too real. Plus a friend of mine is pregnant one week behind me so what will I do everytime I see her and her child if go through with it. I will look at them and think that could be me and my baby...

Doubt anyone is reading but...
Haven't spoken to my ex since Sunday where he called me all sort of names. He has texted but I haven't responded to him.

I decided to continue with the pregnancy and I feel much calmer now and at peace that I ve made up my mind.

My mum who has been visiting from abroad has really helped me out with sorting the house, some money and giving me breaks from the breaks.

My universal credit claim is being processed and I have an appointment for the habitual residence test. Fingers crossed I pass and will get eligible for everything. However it means they might stop my child tax credits in meantime so might end up with nothing for the next month.

But even with this I don't despair, I am being hopeful

I rang csa and got them to make an attachment of earnings so I get automatically child maintenance. Will take a few months though to be done.

He has left his stuff for months here, so I started selling on eBay, taking to charity or dumping at his job. He did tel me to sell ages ago but I felt bad doing it. Considering I might be left with nothing for the next month I no longer care about his possessions lol

Have an ultrasound next week so excited to find the gender!

An excellent update, be proud of yourself 💐

So sorry you've gone through all this.

Have you considered doing the Freedom Programme? It could really help you break this pattern and protect yourself and your children in the future. Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Yes I really should get the freedom program done, I have been in too many abusive relationships. I am really struggling today. Day 4 of no contact, well no contact on my side, he has been msging me everyday, but as it wasn't questions directly about the kids, I haven't answered. I am really struggling not to msg him to talk or see him, I ve missed him, well not him, the old him, the one I fell in love with who was great to me... I feel so sad... My mum is going back to Greece tomorrow and I think I am really going to struggle with no Contact on my own. It's been nice having some adult company after kids have gone to sleep. I know it's what's best for me and the kids though, so trying to be strong

OP. You are a psychologist. Do you have any colleagues who can help you work through these issues? Also, have you thought about going to where your Mum lives? Is that worth a thought? That way you would get help with looking after the kids.

OP - if I were you - and if your mom is able to help - i’d go to Greece and stay as long as you can. Just to get some peace of mind and rest.
I am not sure if you are working here, or what is holding you in the UK.
His threats of fighting you for custody are totally empty. He isn’t an involved father by any definition.
He has no time or desire to take care of small children full time - his dating life would suffer.

You can’t be a single mom to 3 kids without support network. And if that exists in Greece - than that’s what you need to do for your kids.